My name is....JayZulla, the micrula....

:: 2011 18 November :: 12.22am

Story time?
You want a story? How will that help you do homework? I wont.

You straight up tell me I dont know you. You straight up say you feel bitchy. At what point am I supposed to talk to you then? Because I wont.
You insult me again and again. Do you not notice this? So naive or just irresponsible?

Heres a story for you.

Once upon a time there were two people who met online in a the usual time internet way. They talked more and more as time passed. Eventually they started skyping all the time, hours of time a day. One is a boy. One is a girl. The boy helped the girl through rough patches of her life while going through hard times in his own. The boy helped the girl pick a school over a summer long project to choose one.
Eventually the girl graduated and spent the summer talking to the boy more before going off to the school.
At the school the girl grew distant. At the school the girl got way too deep into the situations around her.
Before going to the school the boy liked the girl, and told her this. The girl liked the boy. Then the girl went to school and decided to not like the boy in that way anymore without being clear and forth coming. The boy was strung along for months.
Eventually the boy grev very angry with the situation. The boy tried so hard to not just kick her to the curb in favor of releasing lots of woe, stress, and other emotional issues.
As time passed with this situation looming, the boy became more and more berated by the girl. She grew callous to no end.

The boy told the girl off in hopes that the girl gained some perspective and came back when/if she was ready.

She probably didnt/wont.

The boy was ready and needing certain things in his life the girl could not give or would not give. The girl was just looking to play games with the boy in hopes of finding herself more. The boy couldnt handle that bullshit.

The end.

:: 2011 16 November :: 12.00am
:: Mood: annoyed

Im confused.

I thought I had clicked. Finally been able to give it up and be ready to not deal with it anymore.

Yet Im still here, wavering in the wind on what to do here.
-----

Im trying so hard to find a way to just fuck it and give it up. Tell her off. She needs to understand how my end of the situation came about and how its going. How its got to go if I can ever move on to being "just friends."

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, everyone wants something from someone else. No matter what the relation. Tangible or otherwise there is something the other person gains from your relationship. Friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.

The question is, do you understand what it is the other person wants from you?

In my situation I wanted friendship. It then became wanting companionship. Then it became wanting out of this problem.

For her it was friendship, then it started to become wanting a relationship and with the snap of a finger that ended. Now its friendship but wanting companionship just not in this way.

Will she ever realize how her words are taken by other people? Will she understand face value is a stupid term. Reading into a situation is key. More than key.

I need her to understand how maddened I become every time I think I sense a change in her demeanor. "I miss you" means more than it says. If you think otherwise you are a fool and should just learn to hold your tongue. You cant tell me you miss me constantly, know you have the option to see me and then NOT make use of it only to keep saying it. That drives me up the wall.

Fucking take a leap of faith if you want me. If you want to say you want me only to just be friends. Im going to make a decision that you wont like. Because Ive talked to numerous people who agree. It needs to end. Its not healthy and it definitely not healthy to think that keeping what this is going like it is.

I need to end it soon. No talking. No texting. No messages on fb. Nothing. I need to just say "hey I cant do this, its driving me insane. Your confusion on the issue leaves me with no other option than to do what I need to do to keep me going. if you think you deserve a place in that then you need to speak up or Ill talk to you someday down the line."

Im in a place in my life where I want a companion. Not a mess. Not dating. Not being overly good friends. A companion. You clearly arent being that, so I should move on. You can come and let me know that youre ready for such a thing, if you truly are. Otherwise, Ill talk to you when I talk to you. Good luck, but for now its goodbye.

:: 2011 14 November :: 10.03pm

I forgot to write yesterday. Jared was home and we stayed up and played gears 3, and then I was exhausted and fell asleep.

We didn't do much yesterday. I went to Meijer with Autumn. First time in a while that I've been to the store (2nd time to meijer since august). I need to go to fields fabrics to get some material for a tag blanket and a matching baby blanket for a gift. I don't remember what else we did.. Oh, we had culver's for lunch and Autumn went with Jared to go and get it. That's about it. Callie's been sleeping like crap lately. waking and crying often. It's tiring. I hope she gets over it soon. I think I'm going to have to start waking up at 8 am all the time. Because callie wakes up at 8 am on the dot every morning. No matter what. Oh well. I guess I'll have to make myself be a morning person.

:: 2011 14 November :: 9.39pm

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you I'd lose my mind

Before you ever came along
I was living life all wrong
The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman, come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?
Like crazy, girl

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl

:: 2011 12 November :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: irritated

Straight up stupid.
Women are stupid. Seriously. Youre all wrapped up in yourself to the point of cutting off blood flow causing confusion. Something. Jeebus!

How can women know what they want from a career or future so easily and then on the other hand be totally confused with men?

You all want a giant list of things that a man should have. You want that list checked off on the first fucking second too. Annoying. Perfect isnt out there. Humans are imperfect beings. Stop it. Seriously.

You want to say men are stupid and assholes, why? because we know what we want from women before we go about future planning?

When did this line of thinking start? where did it become ok? Things should be this damn fucking hard.

FUCK.

Moving on

You cant turn me into your of the moment man. I dont work that way. Im not going to be there for you when you think its convientent. Thats not ok. You either want me all the time or never. Not halfway. No. Just...no.

Fuck me. I just need a healthy relationship for a change of pace. I miss those.

:: 2011 12 November :: 11.12pm

I decided yesterday that I was going to start writing in here everyday. Just to keep a journal and record of even the most boring things I do.
Today started out with callie waking up at around 730.norther jared out I was ready to get out of bed so we put her in bed with us and she confined to talk to her self quietly while I laid next her her with eyes closed for 15 more minutes. I finally got up and brought her downstairs. Gave her some milk and changed her while we waited for sister to wake up.autumn of course wanted mama cereal and the baby had an egg and some sweet potato puffs. Daddy wakes up at around 930. He goes to the store and takes callie with him. They pick up pictures at walmart and go to meijer. while they are gone autumn and I do some glitter crafts and play out side.it was so nice out today.sunny and warm...especially in the sun. We had lunch and then just putted around while jared put up the new and kitchen light. By that time it was almost dinner time. So I heated the oven and baked some chicken and potatoes and autumn and I made some chocolate chip cookies too. Speaking of...I'm hungry.... I'm going to go eat...

:: 2011 10 November :: 11.55pm

My whole life there has only been one thing Ive known I have always wanted. To feel beautiful. And still to this day I have yet to feel that way.

phil-himself

:: 2011 9 November :: 6.27pm

I think I lost my fuckin headache.

tuwang

:: 2011 9 November :: 4.09pm

Started redoing the resume I lost when my old lappy blew up. It's been a pain in the ass recalling some of the information I had but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer and I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere.

Not sure where to start but D.C. is apparently where it's at for my field so... good luck to me I guess.

1 shot | Shoot the shit

:: 2011 7 November :: 1.56am

I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.

phil-himself

:: 2011 3 November :: 8.21am

in the now

:: 2011 31 October :: 4.17am

Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.

Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs

Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)

You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.

You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.

Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.

Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.

1 shot | Shoot the shit

phil-himself

:: 2011 28 October :: 11.30am

yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough

first world problems

2 shots | Shoot the shit