"So are we playing for keeps These days begin and they don't end for weeks Leave me left out of anything to do with you Excuse me while I fall apart don't flatter yourself sweetheart Let me take the wheel and I'll crash this car Do you have to make this So hard Your so good"
Waiting for your life to start, then you die? Was your heart beating in the first place?
Two years ago today I made a pretty big career change. Not that my old job was much of a career. It was a summer job I took just for the health insurance benefits so I could fix my back, but I ended up staying 12 years. I really enjoy what I'm doing now, despite still feeling a lot of shame for never finishing college. Years ago I was told that I'd never make anything of myself. Now after spending what has literally been half my life trying to prove otherwise, I'm just really aware of my failures. I don't even know what I was hoping to do specifically. I just wanted some sort of achievement upon which I could hang my hat that would make people go, "That Charlie is alright." I went about it all wrong too. I looked over my old posts on here and it was like I was just trying to amplify whatever parts of my personality I thought made me look cool, or witty, or sexy, or intriguing, or smart. I ended up making caricatures of myself. The struggling musician, the passionate lover, the lovable alcoholic, the political radical, the wounded artist. None of it was really me, just the narcissistic ideas of what I thought I should be. At the same time I'd constantly air my dirty laundry and bad mouth nearly every person in my life at one time or another. It was as if destroying them would lift me up and put me closer to being something special. I still don't know if I've amounted to anything, I probably never will, it's not my place to say. But if I truly had to define myself now at 35, I'd be forced to say, "college dropout, twice failed husband, decent electrician, and father." I like the last one. He's just as weird as I was when I was his age, I just hope he doesn't make as big of a mess of things as I have.
And in my free time I sing hardcore songs as heartfelt acoustic ballads
And what the fuck do I know?
But broken hearts, some unsung songs
I never had it hard it enough
So I drag my feet as much as I can
The product of excuses
Brave only compared to some
I consider myself a lucky kid
But I'm pretty good at fucking up
Young, Angry and White
A victim of the middle class
So much to prove
So much to say
When will I be done screaming?
Never take me seriously
Cause who the fuck am I
Just some awkward kid
From a shitty town
No different than any of you
Quick with exaggeration
Philosopher to some
But a story teller to anyone
Who, is truly listening
I'm inspired by
The fact that I
Still get out of bed
I'm over dramatic
Most of the time
Attention whore,
Known to be ill tempered
I got a way with fucking words
It took some digging through sensationalist headlines to get straight to the source, but I'm glad I did. This is a very well-written account, explicit in its intent, which is not malicious. Some parts of this hit closer to home for me than others, but all of it is far too common a story. We could all stand to be better to each other, and to ourselves. How often we are held captive by our fears.
::
2016 5 November :: 12.49am
:: Mood: whoa, dude...
:: Music: the wallflowers
since last we met
yo. i'm still here.
I suppose a lot has happened in 2016 up to this point, and I should probably catch you up.
I didn't wind up getting that house. I did wind up getting out of my parents' basement. I was very fortunate to find an awesome roommate on craigslist. She owns her own home, and I rent the back bedroom. The price is right. We have fun. We eat food and watch tv and shit. I got super lucky to find this place, and appreciate that I get to live here. I didn't realize how much it bothered me living at dad's until I got out and felt this immense weight lifted off of my chest. That's not to say it's always sunshine and rainbows and shit here... but it's a lot better. I'm much more relaxed. More comfortable being myself. It took a few months being here to allow myself to ease into it. It's a good fit, for right now. It won't be forever, but it's nice to not be in a hurry to go anywhere. And she's not in a hurry to get me out of here, which is also nice.
I'm still single. Cold and alone, forever probably maybe. I still vascillate rapidly between deeply longing to be in a relationship and realizing that bachelorhood and freedom is actually pretty fucking rad. I mostly just want something warm to cuddle with. Maybe I should get a dog. I did do the 20-10-5 thing.
*spends half an hour looking for it*
... and now I can't remember what I did with it. I may have thrown it out. the big takeaway I can recall from it is that I'm shallower than I'd like to believe. I wanted to think that a sense of humor or intellectual stimulation would be the most important - and they were important, they definitely made the list of 20 (it was actually really hard to think of 20 things without being redundant) - but if you boil it down ... i have to be attracted to the person physically. have to. don't much care if anyone else thinks they're hot, but I damn well better think so. Otherwise there's no point to the rest of it. I wanted to think that I'm above all that physical superficiality, but apparently i'm not.
i have a "new" (year-old) lunchbag. it is gigantic and awesome. kathy got it for me. after all that bitching i did about her, she buys the best gifts. and i am an asshole. but the zipper works great
I still don't eat very healthy or exercise much. however i recently quit smoking tobacco. it's only been 11 days, so it's still a little premature to call it quits for good, officially, but this is the longest stretch of time i've gone without nicotine in my bloodstream in 10 years. it's kind of a big deal.
also, i bought myself a drum set:
I've been banging on that thing quite a bit lately.
like - all the freaking time. which is awesome.
i also built a drum. it's purdy:
It's at dad's house. I gave it to him because i wasn't crazy about how it sounded, and he didn't have a wood snare. he likes it, so i'm glad it worked out and found a good home. i probably would've warmed up to it over time. it didn't sound bad ... just not how i expected/hoped.
prior to that, i built a bookshelf and a nightstand for my bedroom. they turned out well. oak plywood is fucking expensive as balls. but it looks nice, and is rock solid. glued and screwed together. sanded and polyurethaned. should last a good long while. not perfect, but suitable for my needs.
I did wind up getting that 'promotion' at work. so now i have my own office, a company phone, and a slight (very slight) pay increase. it's a lot more responsibility - i'm running quality control for our entire plant - but it's not terrible all the time. i show up, do stuff, go home, and at the end of the week they deposit money in my bank account. it's a thing.
the basement audio lab has been put on hiatus for the time being. the other guys got busy with life and work and stuff and were unable to commit the time and energy they felt was necessary to continue the project. i can respect that they didn't want to half-ass it. and if things slow down, we'll pick it back up again.
in the meantime, i'm starting on a new project with different people. we will see what happens, but at least i'm still playing. there wasn't even that much down time, and i didn't have to go out looking for something, it came to me. so hopefully that's an indication that i'm supposed to be doing it. we don't have anything online yet.
Here's where the basement audio lab left off, if you'd like to hear what things sounded like right before we hit pause:
they want to do all original stuff, so gigging is a possibility in the as yet very distant future. it takes a long time to produce enough original material to fill 4 sets. but the upshot is, i get to make up all my parts from scratch. which is awesome.
honestly it just feels good to play again. especially with solid musicians who have been doing it for awhile.
so it's a total bummer that i can't play right now because of my knee. the recovery is going to be long. but hopefully the payoff is worth it. 30 years ago they would have handed me a cane and said, "enjoy this for the rest of your life," so i guess i shouldn't complain.
in other news, it was exactly one year ago from this very moment that i took my last drink of alcohol. i'm celebrating tomorrow, from the couch. i'll be going to the speaker at calvary tomorrow night, but i think i might wait until home group on tuesday to get my chip. i don't know, we'll see.
on the one hand, it's hard to believe it's been a year already. on the other, it feels like a year is a long fucking time, and a lot has certainly changed - mostly for the better. i guess the pit i was in wasn't exactly difficult to improve upon. geographically, however, tahoe is far superior to grand rapids. the city is convenient. i still really miss the mountains, though. they spoke to my soul in a way that i never would have imagined, and now that they're gone, i can sense that something is missing.
oh well. god has a plan, and it's probably smart of him to not let me in on all the details, lest i get ahead of myself and spoil it for everyone. i'm good at that. so, i just ask him to keep feeding it to me in chunks small enough that i'm not as likely to choke on them.
going in for knee surgery on wednesday. i'm intermittently anxious about it. i know that a lot of it is out of my hands. i just need to make sure that i'm doing what needs to be done on my end of the bargain, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. because it doesn't do anybody any good to freak out about things that i have no control over anyway. just do the best i can with the things that are in my control, which are relatively few.
also, i've started getting into fancy sodas now. i realize it's kind of bullshit for me to pick up a new enthusiasm every time i turn around, but it's something i enjoy doing. i like finding things to be enthusiastic about. it's a lot healthier than moping. and sure, i can see how in a way it seems dangerously close to being a craft beer enthusiast. but that was something i always liked doing. it was the least 'alcoholic' drinking i ever did. drinking just to get drunk, you look for anything that gets the job done. sampling things to find flavors you like is a very different undertaking. it was fun looking for different beers and wines to try. why not sodas? i used to look at the labels to find the highest alcohol content. now i look at them to make sure there isn't any. it doesn't seem to me to be any sort of 'trigger' (i despise that term, but it has its uses). but this disease is subtle and cunning, so i guess i'll just be watchful. as long as i'm honest about it, and there doesn't seem to be a problem, then there probably isn't one.
so i got one of these at the orlando airport:
i'm really trying to find something like it that i can get around here, because i thought it was super tasty. the molasses comes on strong, so i wasn't a fan at first, but the malt aftertaste was awesome.
also, there's this high-schooly thing going around the internets where you spell your name with band names. i'm putting it here, because i don't like putting stupid crap on my facebook. so, thank you woohu, for being my perennial repository for stupid crap.
Cake
Head East
Radiohead
Incubus
Spoon
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Old Crow Medicine Show
Pink Floyd
Heart
Elbow
Rush
I'm Gonna Talk About Feminism, So Please Ignore Everything I Say
i have a penis, which automatically disqualifies me from having any authority on this topic. i'm okay with that. but it has been coming up a lot in my wanderings around the internet, which is a good thing. it needs to be talked about. the first step in addressing the problem of the patriarchal system is acknowledging the fact that we're in it. i'm on board up to this point.
but what are the subsequent steps? as much as it's good to talk about this problem that needs to be changed, is there any plan of attack on how we're supposed to implement any changes? and what changes? surely it's not a wholesale thing, there's bound to be some useful stuff in the existing framework. what stays? what goes? and what takes its place? and how? i do wonder how long it will be before simply bitching about it isn't enough any more. could be quite some time. god knows we all love bitching. it will be interesting to see how society answers those questions.
i think the thing that really bugs me about what i read is the assumption that, because i'm a dude and i obviously benefit from the way things are right now, that i don't want it to change. i am in every way a majority demographic in this country, so everything is designed to be working for me, right? and in some ways, it is, i suppose. i have certainly benefited in ways that i don't even realize. it is admittedly difficult to take particular note of when something DOESN'T happen. countless instances where i haven't been raped. or objectified. or marginalized. i don't notice, because there's nothing there for me to take umbrage with, and the moment passes without a thought.
please do not expect me to suddenly start noticing all the things that could have possibly happened and didn't. there is debate on whether or not a physical difference exists between how lady brains and dude brains operate, but believe me, i have severe dude brain. i just also happen to be smart enough to have a little bit of capacity for lady thought tacked on there. but proportionally, it is minute, underdeveloped, and it operates sporadically. so, i have moments where i might be able to think like a young girl. but most of the time them shits ain't happening. and the dizzying web of fully developed adult woman thought is well beyond my capacity to comprehend. my brain just won't do it. it can't. maybe some guys can, i don't know. i can take one thought and go extremely deep with it, but i cannot see how that one thought interconnects with every single other thought simultaneously. i would have to examine each connection one by one, which would take a very, very long time. which is why i am never, ever, going to notice all of the things that don't happen. it is not because i'm too lazy to actually try. it's because my single-core brain, while wicked fast, was not optimized for multi-threaded applications. i have accepted that. i recommend everyone else does too.
this video says i'm full of shit:
in the headphone test, i managed to discern neither side, because i was so overwhelmed with thinking about trying to draw with both hands at the same time, and how hard that would be. the audio was just noise. just to let you know what you're dealing with here.
but if you're willing to venture down the google rabbit hole, there's a lot of conflicting science stuff that basically boils down to: we don't know, maybe brains are like snowflakes, we guess. so the fact that my brain can only focus on one thing at a time may not be caused by amniotic testosterone levels when i was a fetus. or it might.
either way, the important part is that we are all people. we all have brains. our brains enable us to think of ourselves as people. every last one of us has a sense of self. i think my biggest problem with the way many feminists are approaching this issue is that they are not acknowledging the heart of what's causing the problem. it's not because it's a man's world, run for men, by men - although that may be true. it's because our sense of self, our whole identity, is so intertwined with our gender. if you are a shining example of womanhood; a beacon of strength, beauty, power and compassion, then you will never be able to be equal. nor if you are all that is man, can you ever hope to bridge that gap. duality is not equality. having cake is not eating it.
this problem is not going to go away until society as a whole starts thinking of itself as people. that can't happen until we stop thinking of ourselves as men and women. that's a scary thought. since day one, i've been told i'm a guy. i've thought of myself as a guy. i grew up learning how to be one of the guys. if i give up on that lifetime of developing into a guy, then where does that put me? my perceived worth, my body image, my value to society, my existence as a human being, my relationships with other humans, are all viewed through that qualifying lens of guydom.
this is why it is such a volatile issue. as soon as the topic is broached, our ego senses a threat to its existence and immediately fires up defense mode. the ego exists for the sole purpose of perpetuating itself. it has wreaked no end of havoc on my life, and continues to be a real prick. it tells me all kinds of lies about who i am, and most importantly, what's gonna make me happy. it always says that just one more thing, that next whatever it is, then i'll be satisfied. but it isn't. ever. and for the longest time i thought that WAS me. it blew my mind the first time i was introduced to the idea that my ego was not me. that self and me could be two separate entities. that completely blasted the doors off my reality.
it's still very new to me, and i'm not entirely cozy with it, but i do like the idea. it makes good sense based on what i've experienced. it is certainly reassuring to know that my core person doesn't have to be the same as some of those insane thoughts i have floating around. that i can take a step back and watch my ego think. watch it burn its wheels up in futility. that used to be me. still is, far more often than i'd care to admit. i'm reticent to fully let go of my ego. i have a lot of time and resources invested in that facade that i spent a lifetime unconsciously erecting. and even if they're lies, at least it's familiar territory. they're lies that i believed for a long time. the great white unknown is far more daunting. it's weird to be a grown ass man, and then suddenly realize you don't know who you are, and maybe you're not even a grown ass man in the first place. but it's also kind of exciting, you know? i'm curious to meet me. there's got to be somebody in there, right? i just hope it's someone nice. and i have to believe it's someone whose opinions and emotions are no more or less legitimate and valuable than anybody else's. regardless of what they look like, or how smart they are, or how they identify themselves.
so, 'i am woman, hear me roar' is all well and good, (and right now, we need that roar to generate awareness, so don't stop) but just know that in doing that, you're still in some ways a part of the problem. and i don't blame you in the slightest. literally everything in our social world depends on that gender-based, dichotomous foundation. so, until we're ready to base it on something else - like, mustard packets or something - this is going to continue to be a problem.
this article is what got me started, if you want to know. i had snarky answers for all the questions too:
1. I am angry. And no one will fuck me. There is not necessarily causality between the two.
2. No
3. They already run the show there. Trust me.
4. It's 'mascunazi', jeez.
5. No
6. I'm not married.
7. I have had trouble, but that's not why.
8. I am not a father, nor am I established in my career.
9. Never, which is probably why my ego has attached itself to so many things other than my physical appearance. Regardless, all ego must die. It's a constant struggle.
10. Yes
11. No. People seriously do that? Why? Man, people are stupid.
12. Nope. The more someone else carries the conversation, the less I have to think about how to phrase my contribution. I do waste entirely too much energy on phrasing things that I never even wind up saying.
13. No. I'm sensing a trend here. People place a lot more value on their body image than I do.
14. Wait, I'm not a hyper-sexualized object of fantasy?
15. Yes, although I am very dismissive of many men's shows
16. Not always, but sometimes. Seriously, I have.
17. I am not an independent young man, and I resent that it is what is expected of me. It should NOT be a given, but it is.
18. Only when I worked with someone else who had the same initials.
19. I don't game, but again we're dealing with the ego thing. You're attempting to identify as something. To attach your sense of self worth to that moniker. And you resent that the name is stereotypically masculine. But I'm telling you, I don't care how gender neutral that thing is, as long as your sense of self is being derived from an external title, then it is going to be subject to the whimsy of the public sphere, and you will never be fulfilled. It doesn't matter what kind of parts you have, or what you want to have sex with, you are doomed to unhappiness as long as you are entwining your 'self' with 'else'. As long as you are discontent with being you, what the outside world perceives you as being is largely irrelevant.
