and this is what I call life...

and this is what I call life...

:: 2004 3 February :: 12.55 am

Well, I didn't die at play practice. I had the majority of my lines memorized up until scene 5...I think then I started using my script. Yeah, a few of us needed that, so we got a little lecture when we got done. Everything's slowly starting to come together though. I need to work on my accent a little more as well as my body language/movements.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 1 February :: 9.45 pm

Right now I'm half-watching the patriots kick ass in the super bowl whilst my dad flips to Independence Day during commericials. Speaking of commericials, shardsoglass.com is really a website. Completely unrelated, I started using my chrest white strips today, so hopefully I'll have bright white teeth for opening night. Ugh...I have to memorize over 120 lines by tomorrow. Last year I only had 93 lines in both acts combined! Well, I better get memorizing.

4 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 31 January :: 3.57 am

I have too many thoughts racing through my head right now to get to sleep. I was just layng their making realization after realization. I watched Down With Love tonight - a completely pointless movie, but one that made me remember what I had lost sight of. This summer I was set on going to college in New York. I wanted to go there because of the possibilities and the "greatness" of the city. (Exactly what effect it could have had on my own possibe "greatness", I'm unsure about.) I still can't help but thinking of Chicago as a second class city, yet I remember one reason I became less persistent about going to NY was because it seemed as if it might be cold (as in unwelcoming) and overwhelming. I think what I've been searching for all this time was something false, a reality that doesn't exist. Perhaps I was trying to go to an impressive school in an impressive city to make up for my lack of character. In fact, I think that's what I've been searching for all this time: character. I don't feel as if I have any, and maybe I thought that going to a big school would make up for that or mask it. When it comes down to it, all I am is a self-centered kid who cares (but doesn't like to admit that he cares) what people think of him rather than being himself. I'm so bad off that I don't think anyone, including myself, really knows who I am. I've been too woried about fitting in (not so much fitting in as not sticking out of the crowd) or offending people that I've become lost. I've created this elaborate facade, and the person who's being fooled most is myself. I have nothing, therefore I am nothing. There's a song that goes "we are the best at what we do." Well, I don't have anything that I "do" let alone that I'm the best at. I used to fool myself that college was going to be my "fresh start," but if I don't start changing things now, it's never going to be that. I don't feel like I'm a good person, and one reason for this is that I don't really give back to the community. I mean really giving back and not just to the little community of our impoverished school, but to people who actually need help. If you take away religion, life is about being a good person (or so I believe). Well, I haven't been a good person. I've passed up many opportunities to make even the smallest difference in someone's life, and now I feel guility for it. Hopefully I can start anew today and no longer pass up those opportunities. Hopefully I can start anew today and now longer worry about not knowing the answers. Hopefully I can start anew today and not be afraid to build some character.

4 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 31 January :: 12.21 am

I'm so messed up right now. I went to bed tonight at 8:30 and woke up at midnight...somehow I have to get back to sleep. Ontop of that, I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. Fun. Well today wasn't so bad. I went to bed last night at 4:00 am. I just got motivated all of a suddent to fill out a bunch of scholarships and write thank you notes I've been putting off. At noon I had my first senior seminar meeting with my team leader, Cicel Maclaren...who I originally thought was a woman, but isn't, lol. He's a cool guy, and my group isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. We were all chosen because we listed business as our first interest. Considering that all of them might be my future competition, it was weird. After play practice tonight, I've become MORE uncertain about what I should do after high school. To make a short story short, I was at school early because I got my car stuck in my driveway AGAIN and decided to walk to school after that. When Mrs. McConnel came, no one else was there yet, so we had a chat about my future and her past. She asked me why I don't just take a year off and get a job, maybe abroad, and come back when I know what I want to do. Well, we both concluded that that isn't possible because I'm a "head person" and not so much a "heart person." Until today I just kept telling myself that I wanted to go into marketing, but I haven't really checked it out. Appearently, it's a hard field to get a job in. great. I'd like to tripple major, but I don't know if I could be THAT motivted in college. At least I have an idea where I want to be next year - Chicago - and that helps a little. Mrs. McConnel said that Chicago is a busy city, but also that it is a great city. I hope so.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 30 January :: 1.13 am

Uhm, my house smells like something's burning right now. Considering that it's 1 am and I'm not absent-mindedly cooking a grilled-cheese, I don't know wheter or not I should get ready to stop, drop, and roll. Anyways, today I sold an ad for play to my dentist. The people at his office are so nice..the receptionist even filled out the ad form for me and told me that I can post a poster of the play when we get them. Speaking of which, we actually worked on some blocking tonight. Lines are supposed to be memorized by monday. Hopefully I'll work at that this weekend, but if I don't get them all memorized, I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. It was easier last year when we did more blocking. Tonight my dad mailed in my DVD player to Philips for me. I'm exchanging it because it plays CDs like crap...one of the main reasons I bought it in the first place. That reminds me, I should probably start buying stuff for college.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 28 January :: 11.51 pm

Hahaha. I just got my sister in trouble. She was upstairs talking to some guy in WASHINGTON. On my computer, when you go to sign online, you can hear the phone line...well, you could hear her conversation, which wasn't bad, but made my mom realize that she was calling LONG DISTANCE. Anyways, today was a snow day. Why are those always the laziest days? It's paradoxal that I'd have even more time to get stuff done, but would manage to do absolutely nothing. I had a dentist appointment today, though. First, I couldn't make it because I got our car stuck in our driveway. I had to wait for my dad to come home and then he took me in for a later appointment. Tonight I also watched some show on Discovery about the future of the NYC MTA. Things looks pretty cool for the future. Now I'm attempting to write my essay for loyola's honors program. Speaking of which, I sent in my tuition and housing registration today. On a side note: It's pretty cold out there right now, and I feel bad for all the hobos.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 27 January :: 10.40 pm
:: Music: anniversay "to never die young"

the faith question
Today we had a guest speaker: Fr. Richards from PA. He was definitely the most controversial speaker we've had thus far. His presentation - or whatever you call it - made me think. I'm going to hell. At least, if I died tomorrow I woud go there. He said that missing mass is a MORTAL sin...didn't know that one. I guess entertaining impure thoughts is really bad too. And he says that we need to go to confession once a month. Yeah, I haven't been to confession in at least 2-3 years. I used to think that God was easy going, and that as long as you were a good person you'd go to heaven. This guy suggested otherwise. Right now I sound a little light with the subject matter, but it actually scared me a little bit. HELL... FOREVER...ETERNITY...FOREVER AND EVER...scary. Even heaven for eternity sounds scary. I know this is probably just my mortal mind thinking in mortal ways, and that if I went to heaven, I would probably be happy forever and not know the concept of time...but when I think of eternity I think of never ending, sameness, repetition...it gives me the chills. Mortality doesn't bother me as much because I know one day it will end. Nevertheless, as it stands, I don't have a good relationship with God at all. Basically, he serves me, rather than the other way around. I want to be a better person. I don't want to go to hell. But how can someone change who they are? Sometimes I feel like I have a black heart. I don't even feel sorry for some of the sins I've committed. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all, and if I do "feel" something, sometimes I just imagine that I feel that way. See how hard it is to be a Catholic? I should just convert to Buddhism.

3 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 26 January :: 11.54 pm

It's getting harder to pretend that I'm happy, so excuse me if I'm a grouch. I just don't feel like bullshitting anyone anymore. I missed a dentist appointent today because the office changed my appointment and I didn't know it. This week I have to reschedule that, sell ads, and mail in my tuition and housing deposit to Loyola. By the way, I got my Student Aid Report from Fafsa today. They estime that our EFC is like $5000, which is less than my dad had thought it'd be. Tonight at play practice we learned that lines have to memorized in ONE WEEK. not gonna happen. I don't even think I have any real talent. I think I'm a very amateur actor at best. I guess if I work on it and I have direction, I can pull it off.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 26 January :: 11.54 pm

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 26 January :: 12.36 am
:: Music: jawbreaker "kiss the bottle"

It gets lonliest at night
Down at the liquor store
Beneath the neon sky
Our moonlight
Six a.m. the floor comes alive with lice
The pan's dried up so tight
With hardened beans
We're hungry
So I lean on you sometimes
Just to see you're still there
Your feet can't take the weight of one
Much less two
We hit concrete
How were we born into this mess?
I know I painted you a prettier picture, baby
But we were run out on a rail
Fell from the wagon to the night train
I kissed the bottle
I should've been kissing you
You wake up to an empty night
With tears for two
Cigarettes they fill the gaps
In our empty days
In our broken teeth
We're jonesing
Say mister, can you spare a dime?
Some change could make a change
Could buy some time
Some freedom
Or an ear to hear my story
It's all I've got
My fiction beats the hell out of my truth
A palm upturned burnt blue
Don't call it sunburn
You've been shaking on the job
Just one drink ahead of your past
There's a white light coming up
You draw the blinds hoping it'll pass
I kissed the bottle
I should've been kissin you
You wake up to an empty night
With tears for two

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 25 January :: 10.36 pm

Got a headache/burning up. I didn't want to do anything today but lie in bed. If I could've slept the entire day, I would have. We get insurance next month, and I think I might make an appointment for a "check-up" (aka see if I can get put on some drugs). If only that would solve my problems. I'm really hoping that next fall will be awesome.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 25 January :: 3.16 am

I am awake while the world sleeps (okay, maybe not the world, but everyone has their away messages up). Today I had play practice, went to dinner with the family, saw The Butterfly Effect, and chilled with friends. I thought the concept of the butterfly effect was pretty cool. When I find a way to travel back in time, I'll change the future. Or maybe I already have!?!? (que twilight zone music).

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 23 January :: 11.46 pm
:: Music: jawbreaker "kiss the bottle"

I've been reading this book my sister bought called "Nothing Feels Good/ punk rock, teenagers, and emo." It's kind of like a documentary on the origins of emo music. This is one of the songs they talk about in the book. The guy's hypothesis is rather intriguiging; essentially, he is saying that emo is not a specific, set-in-stone genre, but that it is something we create in our minds, something in how the individual relates to the music. On a side note...I'm still looking.

3 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 22 January :: 9.47 pm

Thank God for snow days!! Today was one of 'em. I slept in until about noon. Sadly, I spent most of the day watching tv. Now I am bored to death. I completed the FAFSA tonight, but I still have two essays to write for scholarships. Snow day tomorrow, anyone? Doubt that'll happen.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 21 January :: 11.15 pm

Today I made a presentation to my world studies class about my china trip. It took the whole hour. I guess mr. sanocki was so impressed that he wanted me to do it 4th and 5th hours as well. That was kinda cool...except for the fact that I was nipping out 5th hour, lol (damn, cold school!) Each class asked a lot of questions, so I think they were partially interested, although most people were probably just excited that they didn't have to do anything today. 6th hour was aid, so I didn't do anything there except fill out scholarship info and watch Pirates of the Carribean. 7th hour we found out that play practice was cancelled tonight. I like play, but I'm happy that I have the night off. It could only get better if tomorrow was a SNOW DAY! We also got report cards today. MP6 = 3.953 (or something like that) all because of an A minus in calc...but I suppose that's better than a B+. Overall, I got a 3.96 and rank 5th in the class. I think I'm cursed when it comes to math exams because I was comparing last year's final grades to this year's semester, and I always get a B or B+ on those exams! On three final notes, I have to rush to get my honors app in, Northwestern is a great school for business, and it's amazing how my family cannot understand how to work the VCR-cable tv hookup.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?