:: 2003 31 October :: 5.04 pm
:: Mood: hopeless

random ranting
Happy Halloween. I'm supposed to do something tonight, but don't really want to. I'd rather just, oh I don't know...run away or something. But I'll keep on this superficial persona and go anyway. Someone proposed an idea to me today, as something to do this weekend, but I don't think I should. Is it wrong for me to judge something that I haven't experienced? Let's take a vote: who wants to see Justin become a raging alcoholic? I think it's time for me to just adopt the attitude where I don't care about anything...screw the world and everyone in it. At least one person was able to give me some motivation:

Skudo85: I just want to sleep
: oh come on
: justin take some sugar pills and get ur lazy ass up and find some fun
: belive me u can make fun

Considering who that's from, it's surprising. I need to find Kymberly and talk to her. I need something new. A new hope if you will. Well, I guess I'll see how this evening goes...

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 30 October :: 11.27 pm
:: Mood: disappointed

Recent events cause me to question my morals and my beliefs. When a friend engages in illicit activities that I don't neccessarily approve of - and when that friend lies about it (if it's even true) - what am I to do? Or moreso, when the person engages in activites that they once looked down upon other people for doing...does that make them a hypocrite? If it is true, I just feel more alone in my morals. To be honest, I am disappointed in too many people right now. Perhaps I believed in a false conception that people could remain "innocent."...that people were stronger than they really were. As my sister may have acurately stated: "[that person] is acting like a prep." Conversely, I must question if how I live my life is really worth it. Why don't I just go out and get drunk, smoke weed, and have sex while I'm at it? Things are upside down and I just don't know. I really could use a [new?] friend right now.

8 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 30 October :: 11.36 am

My computer's been messed up the past few days, so I've been stranded at home with no internet, and it sucks! Nothing major has happened lately except that I canceled my senior pictures and rescheduled them for monday. I have two scars on my face and don't really know exactly how they got there. I need to do something fun.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 26 October :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: forgetful

Just finished up my college hw that I forgot about. Tomorrow's test night, and for the first time I don't know anything about what we're covering: stocks and bonds. The extent of what we learned in sanocki's last year was what a stockholder was. So I might have to do some reading.

Things are finally starting to come together for the China trip...only 5 weeks away! My aunt called today and I learned that the trip will be longer than I thought, but not more than 14 days. I'll have to miss a minimum of 10 school days, and will get back just before christmas break. I also gotta drop out of floodlight because I am almost definitely going to be gone by then. 10 days of Calc hw is going to kill me. This week I gotta start talking to my teachers about making up work. Plus, I gotta get pictures taken for my visa, find out about getting a credit card, find out about my college final. Not to mention, I have an editor letter to write, an equestrian page to do, ADs to sell!, and senior pictures this week. Right now...Perfect time to drop out of high school ; )

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 26 October :: 1.10 am

Fall Behind
Thank God for daylight savings time (or whatever it's called)! Too bad we can't set our clocks back every week! Anyways, I went to the mall today and got some new shoes for my senior pictures. Going to the mall just made me feel even more materialistic....enough to make me want to open up a charge account somewhere. Right now that'd be stupid considering that I've got no income and my parents probably couldn't bail me out of debt. My motto: I am not going to be financially ignorant.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 24 October :: 12.19 am
:: Mood: drained

ramblings
2nd hour world studies test wasn't that bad. I guess I'm just lucky that I happened to study the structural models. 5th hour I got to watch the olsen twins go to Paris...not exactly how I rememebered the Louvre! <--bad animation techniques. The highlight of my day: Mrs. A told me that the grade on my Poinsonwood report was the second highest in the class (84%) and that my essay was pretty good. If she thinks that now, just wait until I turn in the rewrite ; ) Currently: I am applying to Bellarmine University online. Where is that again?

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 21 October :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: frustrated

Life blows right now. Dad's out of work, so money's tight. It sucks that you have to have money to do stuff. Mom's not taking her meds. I hate the crazy things she does. I'm starting to slip up in school...not trying as hard. Letting my grades go down the drain. I still haven't done any of the college applications that are due in a week (starting to panic now). Yearbook responsibilities are starting to catch up to me. It doesn't help when someone mocks me and tells me that I think I'm better than everyone else! To top it off, I got 2 tests and 2 quizes tomorrow, plus a college test on monday. Floodlight fever also started tonight, but as long as I'm not sitting there for 3 hours doing nothing, it'll be okay. I kinda/sorta got asked...hooked up, rather...with someone for the christmas dance. Only problem is I won't be here. UGH...and my dad disgusts/irritates me. Anymore questions?

8 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 20 October :: 9.53 pm

sighhhhhh #&^*The past few days are a blur, so I'll try to recap to best of my abilities. Thursday just don't remember. Friday went to Hope College in Holland with Emily. Saturday went to Loyola University in Chicago. Sunday went to church and did some homework. Monday (today) went to college class.

Okay...So Hope College isn't my top choice school, but it's not a terrible choice either. Loyola, I'm mixed about. It seems to have a pretty good academic program (I could triple major and minor in something) but their facilities seem a little outdated. Dorms are kinda small too, but I'm not too concerned about that.

Call it senioritis if you want, but lately I've been slacking and that is not like me. Today I forgot my Gatsby book for english class, and I forgot my notebook for college. (Luckily I found a some sad excuse of a notebook in my car b/c I ended up taking 5 pages of notes).

Things were going good, but my mom went and messed that up tonight. I guess she said/did some crazy stuff up at my sister's choir concert tonight. Oh well. I dont' care anymore.

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 18 October :: 11.13 pm

"I lost your phone number, can I have yours?"...yes, someone asked me that tonight! lol. (too bad it was online though, but still...: ) Right now I'm sitting here with one eye half closed. I AM TIRED! But I got back from Chicago a little bit ago. Loyola University wasn't really how I imagined it. Everything was fine until the campus tours, when I realized that their facilities were outdated and their average class size too big. I'll still consider it though. After the open house, we were going to visit the Navy Pier, but my dad being the cheapskate he is (didn't want to pay $18 for parking), we didn't go. Instead, we left the city...so I still don't know what the city of Chicago is really like. damn it! At least I got a little laugh tonight when my dad got pulled over for "failing to come to a complete stop." HAHAH. Serves him right! He didn't get a ticket though b/c I was familiar with the Tjechma family at catholic central...

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 15 October :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: possible

Yes, I feel possible tonight. Despite how much I desperately needed a nice, long nap after school...a friend came by, so I had to keep awake. We went out to the mall and picked up applications. I got one from american eagle, and the guy said they actually will be hiring some seasonal employees soon. Good, I need a J.O.B! Tonight I was asked why "such a good guy like yourself doesn't have a gf." I don't want to "go out" just to go out. And I haven't found anyone that I've been crazy for yet. I see couples that seem like they're completely into each other, but I haven't found anyone like that. Even if I did, probably wouldn't have the nerve to ask them out. For right now, though, I'm content being by myself.

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 15 October :: 1.05 am

Finally finished The Great Gatsby tonight. It was definitely "profound," although it would have been better if I understood more of what was being said. "So we beat on, boats again the current, born, borne back ceaselessly into the past." What's that supposed to mean? Is the narrator saying that 'we' are like the first Dutch sailors to find the island of West Egg? I'm confused.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 13 October :: 11.59 pm

It's the "Wobig-Dickey Wedding!" HAHAH! Right now I'm watching Jay Leno's Headlines. I get a kick out of those...Anyways, college was fun tonight. I got an 86 on last week's test, but with the curve, it's an A. (Jill's mom still beat me though; ) I also made my senior picture appointment today. I gotta start applying to colleges. Saturday I go to Chicago.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 13 October :: 1.22 am

Starting to Get Stressed Out...
For the most part, this weekend seemed uneventful. Went to the game. Went to the band competition. Went to Church. Spent the evening like a hermit doing homework. I need a day to do absolutely nothing but sleep in. Too bad I got stuff to do this week...gotta call about senior pictures, sell ads, register to vote, visit college(s). alksdfjl;ajs ff

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 11 October :: 10.12 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: No Use for a Name "on the outside"

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2003 11 October :: 12.28 pm

I just had a disturbing dream. In a way, it reminds me of The Most Dangerous Game, something I haven't read since freshmen year. I don't even know who I was because everything was like a movie. At first, we were living in a different house for some reason. Our neighbor next door had just lost all her family, except she was living with her son-in-law and grandchildren. We were dropping off flowers or something when she came back from work. We saw her screaming at her grandchildren and making them terrified. To avoid confrontation, we were trying to sneak up the hill between our houses when she or someone else saw us. I think it was her, and we were telling her that she should move out because it helps to get away, plus she wouldn't be mean to the kids anymore? Next thing, the son-in-law comes out. He talks for a little while and a crowd of men and boys start to congregate. The son-in-law has his gun in hand, and he proposes a "game," where everyone in the crowd tries to hide -anywhere- and if he finds them he can shoot them. After this proposal, I'm not sure if he's serious or not, so while he's going on making some speech, I'm not paying attention because I'm thinking of where I can hide if I absolutely need to. All of a sudden, it commences, and everyone goes off running. I run up the hill to his other neighbor's house. I try to hide in the garden, but I know that the plants are too low and he'll see me. There's a kid around me too so I try to protect him by slidding him down into some covered swampish area. I was going to slide down there too, but someone or something approaches. Startled, I take off into all these unfenced backyards. Eventually I end up in someone's house. Next thing I notice, my perspective is that of his friend's. Appearently, they're hiding too? So, as his friend, I go off to hide too except he finds me in the house. He shoots "me" (his friend), but I don't see it because my perspective changes and I'm in a group of his other friends who are casually standing in the house (not hiding), talking about the friend that just got killed. (They seem to just put up with this "game" even though at anytime he can turn on them. I think they think if they tell him it's wrong, he'll kill them. ) They're not very surprised at his death either. Somehow, next thing i know, I'm at the parking lot at school. It's a football game and me and bunch of the other "survivors" are trying to escape in this car that I"m driving. I think that we have to make it onto the field in the car, or else he will still try to shoot us. There are cars and people everywhere, so I'm trying to drive as fast as I can, swerving around them. Some of the people are terrified that there is a snipper, dressed in all black, wearing a black mask, who is ready to shoot. The people actually obscure his view for a short while, making him unable to aim at us. As his view of us becomes clear, I race to the football gate. At the same time, he fires his first shot at us (the only people that he didn't find to kill in his neighborhood). I wake up. Weird.

Do you want to play with fire?