so i have been replaced by my old pre-graduation self. i am depressed for no fucking reason. i want to injure myself just to feel pain somewhere other than my heart. i called and woke mike up, which made me feel even shittier, but i found out that he will be home for both christmas and thanksgiving, not that it really makes a difference.
i officially have no fucking life now because all i am allowed to do is work and sit at home, waiting for college to start. i can only go downtown to work out and then i can only stay downtown once a week to hang out with my "friends".
mike says welcome to his world, but at least he gets paid decent money for being alone, i barely make the bills, and it just makes me want to smoke even more, but today was my last pack, so there goes the comfort in that. make it all go away... i need to be in a fucking strait jacket, because all i want to do is pull out the knife in my purse and stab my leg. god dammit.
oh, but on the good side, i got my student loan and i am going to see bowling for soup- my first non-parent forced concert. so yay, i guess...
::
2005 19 July :: 6.33pm
:: Music: Rilo Kiley- Bad news
i am having a hard time coping right now. i don't want to live at home, and i miss mike, but i can't call him because i don't want to be clingy and i need to know if he is the one that i really want, but i don't know how to just go out and fool around even though i have plenty of guys around me all the time now.
i love how it always turns out the way lizzy said it would, sex was so great for me, but it complicated it all so much. i just hope she is right about him loving me... i am just scared because we never see each other and everything is so damn uncertain. And i have this damn migrane that is not helping at all. grrrr.
::
2005 19 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: somewhat perplexed
welcome to yet another complication in my life
i am rh-negative. this means that my body lacks a certain protein on the surface of my red blood cells. if my baby's father is rh-negative as well, the baby is fine. if my baby's father is rh-positive, then my baby is in danger. my immune system will recognize my baby's rh-positive red blood cells as foreign to my rh-negative blood and will begin producing antibodies intended to destroy my baby's blood cells. chances are, the first pregnancy will not be affected. by the second pregnancy, however, the antibodies will have had time to grow in strength and number. Once the antibodies begin attacking, they can lower a baby's red blood cell count, which can lead to jaundice, anemia, mental retardation, and heart failure, among other problems. it can also be fatal in utero or shortly after delivery. which is where the rhogam shot comes in. the rhogam shot helps neutralize these antibodies, and thus saves the baby.
the downfalls of the rhogam shot...
1.) the shot neutralizes the antibodies...by doing so it also seriously handicaps the immune system.
2.) the shot is made from human plasma and carries a high risk of transmitting undetectable infectious diseases.
3.) the shot also contains a high amount of mercury. the mercury from the shot, combined with the immunizations that a child is required to receive, yields a gut-wrenchingly high risk of autism.
so...its either i have only one child, stand risk for my kids to have severe problems, or simply screen potential fathers. so to avoid all this crap...im jus gunna haveta screen everyone before i sleep with them. another annoying aspect of my life.
i'm back in the game, sorry to mike but i can't wait for you to call and i won't see you until december. i have to see if i really want you anyways. that's my instruction from kerry, experiment, and if you still think of mikey, well then, that's what you want. but at least i know what else is out there...
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2005 18 July :: 10.28pm
:: Music: the good that won't come out of me
lyrics
sometimes i'd like to embarass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street.... you said i chose sadness, that it never once has chosen me( maybe you're right)
i am having second thoughts. i feel as though i led him to believe something and now i am backing out. I do still like him, but jess was right, alot of it was just sex. i need someone new. just for a chance to see what else there is, and if i really do want to be with him.
after the whole moving in idea, i kinda flipped out... now we are not on such good terms. i think it will all cool down, but i wish i could see him. aww, he might really want to be with me... it is a scary thought that anyone really would. hmmm... that is something to ponder.
then again if we stay together, what is to stop him from getting trashed again and then asking me to marry him or something else crazy. i'm not sure this is a good situation, but i am sure it will all pan out. i just hope i don't get anymore phone calls that he "can't remember"
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
so this is the cunundrum(sp?) anyways. Mike will be home (in Omaha) the week after next. we both want to be together, but i have no way to get to omaha. if he would pay for my ticket.... should i go?? i mean naturally he would get his, but i feel like a leech if i do it.
