Once I had my heroes, once I had my dreams...But all of that is changed now...
so i am sick of school and don't want to go anymore, i'm dropping my accounting class so I can work some more (still in electrical) and maybe pretend to have a summer vacation. tomorrow is my last test, and consequently my last day of statistics, and it will be nice.

you know, for years now I've been spelling the word "tomorrow" incorrectly. Did anyone notice that, and just neglect to tell me? I felt pretty stupid when I figured it out. That's the downside of autocorrect in Microsoft Word. You really don't notice the mistakes you're making. And I'm a smart kid...I think.

i might be going overboard with the apartment thing. my parents are running out of places to put my stuff that i've been "collecting" for it....i've got a microwave and microwave stand, a tv cart, a couch, a vacuum, all my bedding, computer, desk, a whole lot of clocks (i've collected them over the summer and i'm going to use them, hopefully, to make a "clock wall" in my apartment), dishes, towels, shelves, etc. it's getting kinda hectic.

I'm getting a real estate salesperson's license too. In July, I go to a week of classes and then I go down and take a test. Three hundred dollars for another career opportunity. Not bad, not bad at all. I figure I can just collect different certifications and licenses, that way I will always have a career to fall back on. Right now I'm looking at aa truck driver's license, a bartending certificate, and florists certification. But the real estate thing is good, because people always need places to live.

I'm sure there are other things I could update on, but my fingers hurt from work...and liquid bandage really isn't all that it's cracked up to be...

And I'm screaming for the breath that makes you alive...
so this is how it all goes down. just fucking great. so don't go acting like everything's still supposed to be all cool. because its not.

thanks for your time, i wish i could thank you for your effort.

they will all just go away
all of the demons
enjoy this life right now
you know what you're to do
and letters
yes they matter write her quite a few
and she might love you for it
but you can't count on it

Like she was returnable...one day would refill your hands...
I had a dream...
that i made different choices.
i went to the beach and clutched onto every wave and there was nothing there to hold me. I washed up onto the shore and got sand in my hair.

I miss the beach. I miss the waves, the sand, the sun.

It's never over...my kingdom for a kiss upon the shoulder...
my head hurts again. i'm afraid i'm dying.
update on all of that- my MRI and MRA both turned up negative. BUT... I have to go see a neurologist to keep looking for why I keep getting spontaneous dizzy spells. And I'm not supposed to drive for 6 months. Yeah...right. Like I can get rides to work, to class, or anywhere else.

I went garage sale-ing today and bought more books....like "Philosophy and Myth in Karl Marx" and "Social Cognition". I am a HUGE nerd.

A lot of my relationships have issues right now. Can't get ahold of my best friend, she's being weird, cryptic, and a pain in the butt about some things. I kindof feel like she doesnt tell me about anything anymore, mainly because she knows i'll give a negative reaction to a lot of it. But I guess its how I am, I can't really change that. When I don't like something, I won't pretend to.
As far as the romantic life is concerned, I guess I'm starting to worry that I view the whole thing from a different perspective. Or that I might be "just another girlfriend"... it sounds conceited but I like to think that I should be considered the best or one of the best....lately I feel like I don't measure up or that I'm doing a crappy job. Paranoia maybe. Stressing me out.

I really dont know what I'm talking about. My current situation in life..I'm feeling useless again.

So the other day, went and found me a lover
Had a little hustle down under the covers
It was delicious to me.

Can't you see me there, daydreaming of the future
Oh my god I painted such a pretty picture
My friends, he never got back to me.



So my series of odd dreams lately seem to follow that pattern. I must wonder what it all means.

it was good, living with you...uh-oh...
well, woohu seems to be doing crazy things with friends pages but i'm just gonna roll with it...
everyone really seems to be baring their souls in their journals lately...i think thats cool. i guess i can try to follow in the same pattern...
jason and i had some major issues now, but at least now they SEEM like they're coming to a close, I don't know...I'm sure, however, that he will correct me if I'm wrong..
class is kicking my ass, I really hate being occupied like that for the greater portion of my week (5:30-9:30 Mon-Thurs), I'm scared that I'll lose all my motivation and fail and ruin everything...I guess I'm in a negative mood lately.
so i finally went to the doctor about my headaches/blackouts/dizzy spells and its all a big mess. turns out i have orthostatic hypotension, which means my blood pressure drops A LOT when I stand up...but thats probably not all. they scheduled me for a CAT scan but then the doctor called me later today and said it was IMPERATIVE that I go to an MRA and MRI on a different day...its the same night as the foo fighters concert, but i dont go in until 11pm so i think it should all work out.. stressful stuff, just hoping i dont have a brain tumor or something strange like that...my head just hasnt been screwed on right lately.
its odd that my severely bizarre mental state might actually be tied to my medical issues...i'd love to explain my spaced-outedness by talking about a brain abnormality that i have. but we'll see....

The world I love, the tears I drop...To be part of the wave, can't stop....Choose not a life of imitation..
i'm getting the feeling that something's missing. i'm just not satisfied with anything the way it is right now..

i talked to kal and he helped me sort through a bit of it. but it doesnt mean that i know how to fix it.

i've just wandered through a week of my life feeling like I don't matter. I don't feel like I have a significant impact on anything.

I wish I knew how to change that.

If you could look with your eyes and not so much with your hands...
so...much to my discontent, my email address WILL be changing....right now i do believe it will be jedibumblebee@hotmail.com but i still have to be able to access my old email to pull all of my old addresses and emails out of it. sigh, grumble, grumble.....

kal dyed my hair again today (thank you kal!) and it actually looks darn good if i can say it myself. downside being that i nearly blacked out AGAIN while he was doing it.. its getting to be a bit alarming. but i go to the doctor on thursday to see why my head's been freaking out on me.

i hate it when plans dont work out. i've had too many plans broken lately.

need to write a seven page paper on Indira Gandhi by tuesday. wish me luck. (did you know that she's not related to Mahatma Ghandi? i didnt figure that out until a few days ago)

and a party at nick's house tonight...how do i feel about this? i dont know. i may go. i may stop in. i may freak out and stay home and sleep instead. i have really not done much of anything today, and it feels good.

So if you're mad, get mad...don't hold it all inside...
really, all I want is confirmation.

waiting for a phone call...one way or the other.

i ought to be in bed.

Every now and then, when I'm all alone, I'd be hoping you would call me on the telephone..
so when i needed to vent the most, the site was down. go figure.
anyway
i need a time machine
a can of spray paint
and some sleep.

holy moly baby, wouldn't you know it? just as I was busting loose...I've gotta go turn in my rock star card and get fat and old with you...
Ugh...man, i really dont want to go to school tomorrow. Its like I'm almost taking a whole semester this summer. 11 credits. And I'm already up to 49. So that's 60 credits by the end of the summer. I'll be done with school soon enough. I just want a real life, a real job, a real house, eventually the husband and family bit as well.

I did my first DJ shift today as well...it went off with only a few minor glitches. It seems I had a lot of people listening...lots of calls and lots of requests...that part was fun. My news guy that I work with is nice too, and thats good, because otherwise I'm alone in the studio and I get bored and sad.

Went tanning and I'm niiiiiiice and golden. Of course, that was back in Kalamazoo. I'm really not impressed with the places by my house...I think I'll try one of the places on Alpine and see if they're any better.

My parents are fighting over which of them is to blame for my brother's bad report card grades. I would blame my brother, but that idea hasn't crossed to either of them yet. I think they're afraid of having to pay for part of someone's college.

I should get to bed soon, I'm hoping Jason will get online after his class though. Summer's tough, but I think we're doing awfully good, considering, I mean, its me and Jason we're talking about here. But honest to God, I've never been so madly in love in my entire life. It's a cool feeling when the more time you spend with a person, the more you like them. I remember something like this once a long time ago...I shouldnt judge in retrospect, but wow, this is so much more powerful.

Pulled out a couple old cd's and they reminded me of assorted old times...going skating, going to the beach, pebbles on the window, and passing cigarettes on the front porch under the moon.

Other memories float up at me from nostalgia lane. Going to the park and getting mud in my sandles, my lucky quarter, pretending I could swing dance, the sleepy stratford trip with everything being "so damn metric", my first cup of chai tea and my first episode of the osbornes ("my bed is comfy! try it!"), trying so desperately hard to interpret the mix tape, sparklers in the yard, the stars that "followed me home", its all about the monet and music videos into all hours of the night, the fatal first kiss on the fourth of July, "i thought your sweatshirt looked comfy.", and my brain goes all the way back to peacocks and peckle and roses and Malibu beach barbie.

I'm sure plenty of people from high school can find their own references in there. I've just been thinking a lot about my relationships lately, which ones were fulfilling and which werent. And how glad I am that things turned out the way that they did.