Whenever we go wrong...
you know what's totally AWESOME, man? pity eating. and what's even better? pity eating when not ONLY are you PMS'ing, but you think you might have the stomach flu....yeah man...

i ate myself sick yesterday and i was sick to start...it was very sad and pathetic. whats worse is that its terrible crap like lucky charms, pizza, chocolate donuts, and doritos....today its golden grahams with diet coke.

i would go to bed because i dont feel well but i'd forget my reasons to get up in the morning.

i have trouble watching other people being happy. which i hear is pretty normal. but i'm also repulsed by oatmeal. which i hear is not.

Just another stupid thing that I done wrong...still counting the days I've been without you...still counting the days that you've been gone...
You know that you are in a bad mood when you are driving home late at night and just thinking about life...suddenly you look down and realize that you are going 60mph in a 25...
My life kindof feels like I've been going 60 in the 25 zone. It's like, the new me knows that its just time to chill, that i ought to mellow out because i'm driving myself nuts. but upon coming home for break, i've awakened the old me, the one that likes to stress mad crazy and rush through things and create problems full of stupid shit.

JediBumblebee: hi
PhoxxPhire: hey
PhoxxPhire: you gothome quick
JediBumblebee: yeah

i even wore the glasses. i dont know why. i suppose i'm easily persuaded. but for some reason he seems to be the only one who can do it.

i plan to come to grips with a few specific things.
1. he does not, will not, feel the same about me as i do him.
2. when he asks me to hang out, it is not a sudden lapse into liking me again. the answer is simple- he either feels guilty for the way he's treating me, or he wants to get some. not real hard to figure out.
3. he's going to date a LOT of other girls, and probably flaunt them all, not necessarily because we're "friends, and friends tell each other that kind of stuff". it's because he's an asshole. and assholes do that sort of thing. at least his roommate is nice to me.
4. he will inevitably have a serious relationship and tell you all the gory details, regardless of his declaration to avoid relationships... it really wasnt that he doesnt want relationships...it was just a nice bullshit excuse to get out of yours.
5. most of the promises being made now are nice and empty, meant to fill the space before i go back to school.

so this is what it feels like when someone "cares about you".

one more convincing factor for why i do not, will not believe in love.

And when she says she wants somebody else, I hope you know, she doesn't mean you....
some day i will learn to say NO when I know something is a bad idea...
it probably would have kept me out of a lot of trouble over this break.

but then as I review that decision, I realize that a lot of the fun I had would not have occurred from using a brain...

I just can't WIN!

I'm not feeling alright today, I'm not feeling that great....
TaoMan1121: it seems like you are having your cake and eating it too... but anything's possible i guess
JediBumblebee: i dont know, i dont think i will succeed in getting the cake
JediBumblebee: if i do it will be something like carrot cake
JediBumblebee: i mean, its cake
JediBumblebee: but not really
JediBumblebee: because its just not as good
TaoMan1121: lol... i think frosting needs to be included in this analogy somewhere, but i don't know where...
JediBumblebee: see, and thats the thing
JediBumblebee: the icing on the cake
JediBumblebee: there would be no icing on the cake
JediBumblebee: if i were to have it and eat it too
JediBumblebee: lol
JediBumblebee: its a big series of poor analogies
TaoMan1121: i think it's all about how you look at the cake... wait... uhh...
JediBumblebee: well you cant judge a cake by its icing
JediBumblebee: err...wait
TaoMan1121: i'm so done with the cakes... the cakes are going to give me an anerysum...
JediBumblebee: damn it
JediBumblebee: yes
TaoMan1121: cake is as cake does...
JediBumblebee: good god

I'm not the man they think I am at home...
I am maxing out at 10. Once I hit double digits, this kissing thing is finished.

You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear...You nearly had me roped and tied...
Rang in the new year with torrents of emotions. My midnight kiss was nice (yes kids that would be a fresh #9...working on those double digits...) but then took turns for the worse when we decided to be idiots and TALK about kissing and each other and what stuff meant...yeah, it was shit. but hey, i'll be over it soon enough, like...umm...NOW? yeah. moment over.

i'm sorry to those of you who invited me to various parties and social functions to which i did not attend, there were honest reasons for each but i am still sorry.

yes kids, that was a sober new year! no drinking for me. didnt stop me from stupidity however.

also, upon returning home and consulting sources i found out some very good news, something that'll make the next semester a lot more relaxing, not to mention the next three years ago. woohoo...back to school time!

"I never realized the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
It's four o'clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive"

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS :)
I attempted to recreate my entry from last night, I wrote it out in WORD because I didnt feel like losing it again.

Basically, despite all of my current failures on the dating scene, I'm come to the conclusion that I am probably ready for a boyfriend again. Although this seems rather illogical, I feel that because I have seen just about everything that COULD go wrong on a date, I have gained a good understanding of what I want and don't want in a guy. And I hate jumping around, believe it or not kissing 8 people in about a week isnt all that fun, I'd rather have the security associated with one devoted individual. but in reviewing the list, I realize that the chances of me finding one person that fits my criteria is slim...I'm sure thats not even all of it, just what I could think of off the top of my head. i just like putting it in list form so I will be able to go back to it and laugh.


„h Male (yes, preferred)
„h Between the ages of 17 and 23 (17-19 preferred)
„h Sense of humor
„h Sense of style, I don¡¦t care what kind, but some kind
„h A brain. It might appear to be a given but often its not.
„h No other girlfriends. Again, I thought it was a given but some people don¡¦t get it.
„h Taste in music. Not necessarily the same as mine, but I want him to have a passion that he can share with me.
„h A hidden talent. I don¡¦t care what it is, but he should have one.
„h Ambition in life. Again, really a variable, but I want him to have goals that he is after.
„h A hobby. Something to occupy his time, other than me. ƒº
„h GOOD SHOES
„h Spontaneity
„h Likes my punk friends
„h Has friends that I can get along with
„h Ability to be a hopeless romantic, but won¡¦t smother me with it
„h Can handle my attitude and doesn¡¦t mind me as a hippie.
„h Taller than me (petty, yes)
„h Weighs more than me (petty, self-consciousness plays into that)
„h Can dance, or is willing to pretend that he can
„h Independence
„h Decent kisser (please!)
„h Ability to use the phone to call me?
„h Honesty.
„h Ability to hold a conversation.
„h Ability to let me into the conversation.
„h Knows the rules and his boundaries
„h Breaks most if not all of said rules and boundaries
„h Makes me feel comfortable
„h Hopelessly devoted without being overbearing.

I'm sure that I should throw in some other point of randomness like he must have green eyes and be left-handed or something just to emphasize its impossibility.

I got plans to be the dropout millionare...Oh, no, don't get me wrong...me and school just don't get along...I ain't goin to classes no more, write it up for your literature...
so what's everyone doing for new years?

i dont really know for sure yet, but i hope to at least do something.

you know what's depressing? there isnt any more snow on the ground. but everything's still dead.

it is TIME for me to go back to kalamazoo. i'm not sure if i'm ready for classes, but i miss the people...i miss the floor like mad....and i hate being at home.

When all hope is gone, why don't you tune in and turn them on?
lost a huge entry on the perfect guy, go figure.

think it's a sign?

that's hypothetical greg for you.

It happened way too fast....hello, goodbye...you're in the past...
yeah. i'm just about to mellow out.

so i'm doing some stuff that i didnt plan on doing, and some other stuff that i didnt plan on doing AGAIN... but i figure why bother keeping myself from it if it is something that makes me feel content?

i told isaiah to back down, and i am proud of myself for that. i told him that i'm not gonna be his abercrombie girl.

there are still a few things that need straightening out. but i am mellow. yeah.....

i'm getting second thoughts about second chances. what did you think about that night? tell me.

And I know the situation's never gonna change....but all I want from you... just tell me, do you love me?
New theory....more hugs, less drugs...

We got into her car, away we started rollin....I asked "How much you pay for this?", She said, "Nothing, man..,.it's stolen..."
Always stay true to your roots.

I know now what I knew then, but I didn't know then what I know now...
my kitty is so perplexed...

she's perched herself ontop of my computer, and she keeps trying to chase the mouse icon as it moves across the screen.

yeah, this is my amusement for today. merry xmas everyone. happy holidays.

Emo boy met emo girl, barrettes in her hair and buddy holly glasses...and laminated passes...they axed the club and went back to his house...and fooled around to the new record from Modest Mouse..
I think i should probably tell him the next time i talk to him...i'll never be who he thinks i am, what he wants me to be. its really sad, he was asking where i got my pants, i think he was expecting me to say "oh, these? i picked them up at abercrombie or american eagle..." and really that's not me, it'll never be me...i cant ride around in his pimp-mobile and pretend that i like DMX. it'll just never be true. this is the definition of "not my type". i mean, i will say i go for a lot of types...but i just dont see this ever working out. i'm a little bohemian punk girl....but with a ghetto homie boyfriend? i dont think so. no way. that and he scared the shit out of me with the romantic bullshit. if he doesnt even know me yet, why waste his time trying to impress me? i'm not what he wants anyhow.

Broken hearts want broken necks...I've got some things that I want to forget, but I can't...
the day is GONE. already. and i have done nothing. all day. its kindof sad really. i watched two movies though...Dogma and American Pie 2. so basically i havent moved from this computer chair.

and jason, i didnt mean to "hang up" on you last night. my computer disconnected and i didnt feel like screwing with it. however it was difficult falling asleep last night, i was worried that once i did i would never get out of bed again...i didnt have any reasons left...
however, you brought me to an interesting conclusion. i think i might just be afraid of commitment. not real common in females, i know...but when have i ever been known to follow the rules?

I have decided to start it from here. Thunder and lightening can't change what I'm feeling.
damn. its almost 3am.

i am being lazy this week.

as for the date...
it went ok. he did many things in a vicious attempt to steal my heart and yet did not steal it. i may see him again. i dont know for sure. i dont really see anything developing from it though.

hey, i know you guys are reading, how come i never get comments anymore?

for anyone who hasnt clicked the text ads that have been added to the site-- the one thats up right now...ArtSwag.com...its actually pretty cool. I recommend that you all check it out. I want to get a t-shirt that says WHORE on it in block letters and wear it the first day of classes. See what kind of reaction it gets.

Cause when he's not drunk he's only stuck on himelf, and then he has the nerve to say he needs a decent girl...
i am going on a date tonite. but i dont think i really want to go. i'm afraid he might steal my heart and i'd prefer to keep it where it is.

i'm also afraid i will be there too long. i just like being by myself. yes that is how i like it.

but on another note, there is nothing more frustrating than when someone says they will call and don't. I only wish I knew why.

god, i have to leave in an hour and a half. i dont want to go. not today, why cant he come here??

people can be so inconsiderate. yeah, all of em.

i spent the morning moping about life and watching divorce court. furthering my belief that love is a farce.

maybe i secretly do want to go, i'm just nervous.



nah, i doubt it.

His dreams are like commercials but her dreams are picture perfect, and our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated...
ok, the situation is dying for an update but I'm not sure how much I want to disclose...andy was there and he knows whats going on, if any of you know why I kept cards in my car...well, they're gone now, for good. something happened that i've been waiting on (passively) for about a year and a half. lets just say it was pretty awesome, i'm not sure how it'll play out from here but i am chipper.

Running as fast as I can...
its just nuts how life can do this crazy little turnaround thing at the absolutely least expected time!

:) :) :)

I am speechless.