It was easy when I didn't know you yet...
Wish you gave me your number
Wish I could call you today, just to hear a voice.
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away
If I didn't know the difference, living alone'd probably be ok.
It wouldn't be lonely
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away.
A lot of hours to occupy, it was easy when I didnt know you yet.
Things I'd have to forget
But I'd better be quiet now.
I'm tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on and getting upset.
Maybe I got a problem, but that's not what I wanted to say.
I'd prefer to say nothing.
I got a long way to go.
I'm getting further away.
Had a dream as an army man with an order just to march in my place,
While a dead enemy screams in my face.
But I better be quiet now.
I'm tired of wasting my breath,
Carrying on, not over it yet.
Wish I knew what you're doing
And why you want to do it this way, so I can't go the distance.
I got a long way to go.
I'm getting further away.
I got a long way to go.
I'm getting further away.

Day breaks, and every morning when he wakes, he thinks of you...
It would be really cool sometimes if life was simple.

No more house. I am sick of dealing with it, so for next year at least, I will just settle for the apartment. Actually, it's not really "settling", I will have an oven and a bathtub. Those are the only things that I really feel like I am missing in the dorms.

argh, have to go eat. ramble more later.

But last night I was about to throw it all away...
yep. the top three has been shot to hell. totally.

my mom is hissing and yelling into the phone. today will not be a pleasant day. i need to get out of here...

ugh..i also have bills to pay. i dont want to grow up.

Now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me...
so i dont normally dream in my sleep, but last night i had one that was totally bizarre...this guy from my greek tragedy class was my roommate in an apartment, and one day he tells me that he thought he was gay, except he was in love with me. and i remember all i did was look at him. and wonder.

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks...
ok i think i might have done something a little ridiculous. but i did it and its too late to stress about it now.

yeah, i've decided to eliminate stress from my life. i've just decided to give it up, no more stress from now on. it takes too much time and energy to be stressed.

i have a date on friday. another guy from work. i know that he's not a cowboy...but this one's a ghetto white boy. like...he thought ben kweller and modest mouse were in the same music genre as rage against the machine and foo fighters. sigh. he's really nice at least. still not the guy from work who i WANT to ask me out. but hey, talk about a nice pick up line...

"what do you like to do for fun?" "would you like to do any of those things with me sometime?"

a couple guys from my past are looking to reconnect as well. i guess i ought to focus, focus. its really not my thing.

i think i'd like a boyfriend.

I don't need a remedy...
The imitation picks you up like a habit
Writing in the glow of the tv's static
Taking out the trash to the man
Give the people something they understand

A stick man flashing a fine line smile
Junk Bond Trader trying to sell a sucker a style
Rich man in a poor man's clothes
The permanent installment of the daily dose

And you tell off when you tell it like it is
Your world's no wider than your hatred of his
Checking into a small reality
Boring as a drug you take too regulary

The athlete's laugh, the broken crutch
The first true love that folded at the slightest touch
Brought down like an old hotel
People digging through the rubble for things they can resell

"Happy Holidays" said sick savior
The leading love I still favor
I won't take your medicine
I don't need a remedy
To be everything I'm supposed to be
I don't want nobody else
I can do it by myself
We're meant to be together

Now I'm a policeman directing traffic
Keeping everything moving, everything static
I'm the hitchhiker you'll recognize passing
On your way to some everlasting

Better sell it while you can
Better sell it while you can
Better sell it while you can
Better sell it while you can

go to the parties...listen to the dj's....dance...dance...dance...and go crazy...
ye-ah
it's all about

lumberjack-online.com


i am so bored right now... it's only 4:30...

btw, i'm home right now...if anyone wants to chill, go out and do anything...lemme know...i'm home all during the weeks i think, unless i go looking for my house...

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me...please...
i need to move on. if i dwell on this it will just hurt more. i think i get too worked up over little things. yeah, thats it. so that rock in the pit of my stomach that i was mistaking for being totally in love was actually from bad dorm food, and the fact that i can't get him off my mind just signifies that i dont have enough other things on it.
like christmas break wasnt hard enough. i feel like i've been slapped in the face, kicked in the stomach.
i plan stuff out in my head where it turns out just perfect. i ought to stop believing in myself.

this is why i dont take chances anymore.

this is why i dont make decisions.

this is why my confidence is false.

it would be so much easier if you told me who i should be, but you wont.

so its time for a new life.


i just wanted to be stable. i want something secure.
but i ought to just give up what i want. i dont want to come crawling back. i have too much spine for that.

A little bit weird...a little too bright...you just might be that little bomb at their side...they'll pull your hair...they'll leave you wide-eyed...but did anyone wonder what Annie might have in mind
a friend warned me that when you fall back into something that is comfortable, you always remember the last time that situation was in place.
or something like that.
and there was that reminder about excess baggage as well.
yeah, i love it when those things come back to kick you in the ass....slap you in the face. thats really what it felt like. being slapped with the hand of realization that i really didnt matter...not to him, not the way I thought or at least that I had hoped. I was really getting focused. I really think I could have, I was making plans. but hell, as soon as i start getting anything down, it goes to shit.

i realized today that it took until this semester for me to learn how to swear effectivly. and now I do it way too fucking much.

its so funny how people can walk around totally oblivious to the fact that they're breaking hearts. and then they dont do anything about it.

so...#3 was pitched a while ago. #1 hurt me awfully bad this morning...I wont see #2 for another few weeks. fuck.

Don't wish it away...don't look at it like it's forever...
retract the last statements. i guess nick's not really as into me as i am him and decides to tell me about the great date he went on last night...all about 15 minutes before my econ exam. thanks a lot.


went to look at apartments...not bad...i'd rather just have a house.

random, it struck me
"Its cool, we can still be friends."


yeah you still kiss me, but its just on the cheek.
yeah you still kiss me, but its just on the cheek.
yeah you still kiss me sometimes, but its just on the cheek.
you pull away, so easily.

and I still call you, but I get your machine.
and I still call you, but I get your machine.
And if i'm lucky i guess its your roomate answering.
but your at the bar, or at gene's (?)
And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand.

we sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet.
Yeah we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneek a kiss,
when the waitress turnes around.

And we still watch movies movies, but we don't share the couch.
And we still rent movies movies, but we don't share the couch.
Yeah we still watch movies movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap,
the plot is slow, take a nap.

You even stay over, but we stay in our clothes.
Yeah, you'll even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes.
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes,
I'm only there so you're not alone.

And you say that i hurt you, in a voice like a prayer.
Yeah you say that i hurt youu, and your voice is like a prayer.
Yeah well maybe I hurt you sometimes, lets contrast and compare.
Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there.

I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies.
I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies.
Your kind of truth darling, is just the ghost of your lies,
I see through them all the time.
So i'm pouring some whiskey, i'm going to get drunk.
Yeah, i'm pouring myself some whiskey, i'm going to get real fucking drunk.
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, i'm going to get so so drunk,
pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up.

She wears the leather, I wear the makeup, we'll never break up, been together for a month...
Went home early today, I'm even missing a class and I still didn't see my Nick :( I guess his class got out late. Which means I'll probably have to wait until Christmas break to see him again... arrgh.

Speaking of the break, I'm going to have the house for a good chunk of it... I'll be throwing at least a couple parties (has anyone seen the bathtub in my basement? it wants some new friends) and need to know who to invite.
The holidays are looking fine. I don't like school. Well, the school part of school at least. When I get back from break I should have my interview with WIDR and that will be awesome. I met the general manager today and she made it sound like things would be looking up for me. They would probably even have a DJ slot for me open in the morning.
But for the next two days, I'm preoccupying myself with home. I think I'll go bake a pie.

We're on our way, here we go...we're gonna take over...set it off one more time..
[Current Clothes] i'm damn sexy right now...my "i need a nap" tshirt and lounge pants (aka sweatpants).
[Current Mood] stressed and lazy
[ Current Music] Stone Temple Pilots- Art School Girlfriend
[ Current Taste] frosted waterberry chapstick
[Current Make-up] i dont really do the makeup thing much
[ Current Hair ] its pretty nuts. i slept on it this afternoon
[ Current Annoyances ] people being loud and hogging the bathroom
[ Current Smell ] its a dorm. not especially pleasant.
[ Current Thing ] playing with my cell
[Current Desktop Picture ] nate and i at "pimps and ho's"...the one where it looks like mel caught us making out...
[ Current Favorite Artists] its all about ben kweller...and ben folds...and elliot smith...and fiona apple...and ben harper...and jack johnson...
[ Current Favorite Group ] its all about and modest mouse...and grandaddy...and cranberries...and sonic youth...and pavement...and red hot chili peppers...
[ Current Book you're reading] Just finished "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath.
[ Current CD in CD Player] in my car? its a burned weird eclectic collection...similar to what i just listed as my faves.
[ Current DVD in player] maybe the truman show? not sure
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] for once in my life they are not painted.
[ Current Refreshment ] all we have left in the fridge is water and tangerine mango juice.
[ Current Worry ] the paper i have due for finals, the rest of my finals, relationships, work, getting into WIDR, going home for xmas.

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ] hmm...i tried to trip steve while he was walking down the hall
[ You Hugged ] nate
[ You Yelled At ] ...given the facts of life i'd say nate. and i "raised my voice" with melissa.
[ You Kissed ] Nick (mmaaaayyyybbeee) :)
FAVORITE...
[ Food ] pizza, dammit.
[ Drink ] Diet Coke
[ Color ] Olive Green
[ Album ] Sha Sha by Ben Kweller or Building Nothing Out of Something by Modest Mouse
[ Shoes ] probably my cowboy boots but its so damn hard to decide...
[ Candy ] reeses
[ Animal ] le tigre
[ TV Show ] i dont watch tv.
[ Movie ] Grease, or the new guy.
[ Dance ] hahah...polynesian dancing.
[ Song ] Ben Kweller- Drink Me Away
[ Vegetable ] i dont like em. but i can handle corn i guess. or green beans (not from the caf)
[ Fruit ] Pears, Kiwis, Strawberries.
[ Cartoon ] I like Spongebob Squarepants and Dexter's Laboratory.
[ Store ] I could spend all day at Valueland or Disc-Go-Round. And Target has some major perks. Along with Meijer.
[ Kiss ] favorite kiss?? maybe with nick where i'm like, "dammit, do it or dont do it, quit with the leaning in, leaning out shit"
[ Hangout ] the hallway...the tv room.."we dont go out much, kids"
[ Vacation ] i dont like vacations. but the windsor trip was fun.
ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ] occasionally
[ Open-minded ] i'd like to think so
[ Arrogant ] un muy poco.
[ Insecure ] depends on what.
[ Interesting ] i'd like to hope so. you're reading, aren't you?
[ Random ] Yes.
[ Hungry ] not really
[ Friendly ] sometimes
[ Smart ] sometimes
[ Moody ] i do believe so
[ Childish ] sometimes
[ Independent ] yeap
[ Hard working ] yes
[Organized ] depends
[ Healthy ] not really
[ Emotionally Stable ] who is these days...
[ Shy ] not really
[ Difficult ] yea[Attractive ] no way man.
[ Bored Easily ] not if there are lots of shiny things around...
[ Thirsty ] yes
[ Responsible ] sometimes
[ Obsessed ] heh
[ Angry ] yep
[ Sad ] not really. but a little distraught about the sitch i'm caught into.
[ Happy ] i'm content.
[ Hyper ] not right now
[ Trusting ] too trusting
[ Talkative ] yes
who do you want to...
[ Kill ] well you know.
[ Slap ] lots of people
[ Get Real Wasted With] well it WOULDNT be nate, he's too sleepy...haha..or Eliz, for fear of lesbian tendencies..er...
[ Get High With ] i dont do that
[ Look Like ] that jessica marsh girl, she's so sexy...lol...that still freaks me out...
[ Talk To Offline ] nick. :(
[ Talk To Online ] maybe Dave or Brent? but they are both away :(
[ Date ] i can only really think of two. and neither are options right now.

yeah, so things aren't really that bad anymore, i was having a bad day to the max. but after a weekend at work i am feeling alive again.

so stuff is still up in the air about my wedding. my mom wants a date so she can get her dress, but i want a ring before we're planning anything. got to find an apartment still...i have been slacking on calling back the realtor because there's been so much going on.

work is beautiful. i was offered a promotion (don't know yet if i am taking it, but i am the interim until they find someone who can), and i'm getting along pretty well with all the people there. there's lots of nice guys there too....a little hard to handle with the whole marriage proposal whatnot...but what can ya do.

I have so much homework that i'm slacking on right now. and i'm skipping class friday so that i can have a long weekend at home, come see the play and hopefully go to the ben kweller concert....plus laundry is highly necessary right now, i'm down to the ugly socks....and who likes wearing ugly socks?