I'm just sitting down, thinking about nothing, looking at the thin air and breathing in the oxygen...
yeah...uhh...I am in the dorms right now. I have WOOHU.COM written on my bboard outside my door. I dont know yet if its working...

my roommate isnt here...i have no idea if she's even coming back. she dropped off a small pile of stuff and took off. and i havent seen her since lunchtime on friday. so thats that.

somebody call me! 269-276-1424

i am getting BORED...theres not a lot to do around here yet.

I fell in love and
I needed a roadmap
To find out where you lived
So excited now
Sleepwalking, cause I'm sleepwalking

Polar opposites don't push away...I know I should go but I'll probably stay..
today nick comes up to me and giggles like a girl and says, "so....are you over me yet?" i say "aww thats so cute" and smack him.


and when i hit him and he smiled it hit me.

i thought i was so into him because he is just like me. a male carbon. which was great for about a week.

i dont like myself enough to date myself. i have traits in myself that i dont prefer in others. i like to give things i dont like to receive, i like to receive some i dont like to give. i dont always want to talk but need to be talked to. sometimes i need someone who's cheerful when i'm sad, and vice versa. i dont want to date me. sometimes it was cool because we were after the same thing and were headed in the same direction. but obviously it lost its appeal.


its so funny how life works. for those few minutes when i could still feel stinging in my hand, everything made sense.

Blanketing opinions I'll probably regret soon...I change my mind so much I can't even trust it...My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself...
i DONT have a reason to be up anymore.

my attention has been held for three days gone. a week full. maybe i'm not crazy.

its like honey dripping from my brain. i really did feel safe for those precious hours. but all these memories are slipping because my brain can't fathom them being real anymore, not without something concrete or something to hold onto. its a fantasy versus reality fight. I dont know which side will win.

god. my head is spinning with questions. just totally reeling. what a trip these days have been.

"good feelings are positive-negative, positive-negative"

And I claim I'm not excited about my life anymore...so I blame this town, this job, theses friends, but the truth is it's myself...
I dont start school until the third. i dont move until Friday. My mom even starts work again tommorrow.

So I will be sitting home. Alone.

No one even to talk to.

At least I'll get my packing done.

Short love with a long divorce...
he makes my stomach turn.

i'm so glad that i didnt go in the way my life was headed.

i just get sick thinking about it all.

i want to melt a small silver ring into a pill small enough to swallow. a brilliant piece of medicine that i could use against the lies.

my feelings: half bitter anger that it wont go away and half sweet relief for coming to my senses.

i hope i never see him again. he makes me sick to my stomach.

Hey, haven't seen you around in a while
Hey, haven't seen you around in a while
Hey, haven't seen you around in a while
Hey, haven't seen you around in a while
I didn't go to work for a month
I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight
I haven't hung out with anyone
'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say
I didn't feel angry or depressed
I didn't feel anything at all
I didn't want to go to bed
And I didn't want to stay up late
When youre living your life, well, that's the price you pay
Whenever I breath out, you're breathing it in
Whenever I speak out, you're speaking out
I didn't go to work for a month
I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight
I haven't hung out with anyone
'Cause if I did, I'd have nothing to say

All the spilt milk, sex and weight, everything will fall into place...
all i want is to talk to him to kill my paranoia and confirm that all is not lost. is that too much to ask.

a sign.

life can be so cruel.


a yellow, spiral-bound, college ruled, single subject MEAD notebook.

Seems to me thats how things are...giving and taking little pink stars....I want the world to know that you're mine...I want to touch you...
i sit here and to myself i say, "don't even get started." and then it just makes me think even more. the whole situation is disaster in a basket. and of course, i can't keep myself out of this trouble.

It's hard to remember to live before you die...
Ok. Update? Sure.

I went to a party on my birthday. It was interesting. Talk to me if you want details, I don't feel like typing out the pieces.

One thing I will mention is kissing boys. I kissed more than one, but there is one that I have since kissed again. Good stuff. Don't know what's going down with that, he lives FAR away, so....

I leave for school in 8 days. I am not packed but I am more than ready.

My daddy got me a present for my birthday...I have my own digital cam. SO expect some fun business from that front.

I got in a minor car accident today. Actually it's really dumb because I hit a truck while pulling into a space at the mall, I wasn't paying attention, but I called my daddy at work and when he came we realized that all it was was a lot of paint. He had some cleaner in the back of his car, so basically we cleaned it up and left. ZERO damage to this guys truck, but I need a whole new turn signal assembley and my beautifully freshly painted bumper cover is back to shit. Yay.

I was in Disc-GO-Round on Alpine today and I found the Radish (Ben Kweller's band when he was 15) CD. It's out of print and copies are nearly impossible to find, I was so thrilled. Six bucks.

Got a message in my head
That papers all had come
Richard Manuel is dead
And the daylight's coming on
I've been wandering through the dark
Now I'm standing on the lawn

If I could give all my love to you
I could justify myself
But I'm just not coming though
You're a pill to ease the pain
Of all the stupid things I do
I'm an anchor on the line
Of a clock that tells the time
That is running out on you

It was cold when I awoke
And the day was halfway done
Nearly spring in San Francisco
And I cannot feel the sun
You were sleeping next to me
But I knew you'd be gone

If I could give all my love to you
I could justify myself
But I'm just not coming through
You're a pill to ease the pain
Of all the stupid things I do
I'm an anchor on the line
Of a clock that tells the time
That is running out on you

Take some time before you go
To think of Mondays coming down
And the people that you knew
And the ones that aren't around
You've been fading day to day
I've been moving town to town

If I oould give all my love to you
I could justify myself
But I'm just not coming though
You're a pill to ease the pain
Of all the stupid things I do
I'm an anchor on the line
Of a clock that tells the time
That is running out on you

I'll be the one to listen to your radio...

For those of you who dont know, that's me and Ben Kweller. You know, "sex reminds her of eating spaghetti"... He's my fave. Thats what this weekend was all about.

Cause I'm young...and I'm hip...and so beautiful...I'm gonna be a supermodel....and I'd write my school report on how I love my jeans....
*What you'd like to change your name to: i like my name the way it is.
*Do you eat to live or live to eat? that all depends on if i'm hungry or not.
*Rate your feet out of 5 stars on the way they look: ***and 1/2. my feet arent that bad as far as feet go. except when stupid people step on me and break my toenails, i hate that...
*Worst book you ever read (even if forced): i hated "my antonia" and that dumb sailor/jungle book we read last year, what the hell was that??
*Would you eat SPAM for $5? yes. there are a lot of things i would do for five bucks.
*Movie that has the most sequels (that you can think of): the land before time...you know, the cartoon dinosaurs? last time i was babysitting there were like 8 or 9 sequels.
*Title of the theme song of your life: Bne Kweller, Sha Sha.
*How many people do you know that share your birthday? umm...i dont know ANYONE with my birthday. I have a cousin who's is the day after, nick's is the day before...but thats it.
What does your name mean? it means "crown".
What are your worst qualities: i worry a lot about dumb stuff, and i panick a lot. i take other peoples situations onto myself. short attention span.
What are your best qualities: darn it, i'm FUN. and spontaneous.
How long does it take you get ready in the morning: today i did it in six minutes. traditionally, i prefer about 45.
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? guys.
Have you ever lied to a friend? probably.
Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? nope. never really had the desire to either.
Do you like your parents? occasionally.
Ever run away from home? one time i tried but my mom hit me with the van. long story.
Do you have any siblings? yep.
If so, do you like or get annoyed with them? ........
How old are they? 11, 12, 14.
Do you feel your parents spoil you? nope.
Do you not get along with any of your family? sometimes.
Do you have big family get togethers ever? occasionally.... i dont go to many of them though.
Ever done something stupid to impress someone you were attracted to? frequently!
Have you ever experienced unrequited love? hmm.
Do you have a religion? a nonspecific one.
Do you practice it, i.e go to church? not usually
If you died tomorrow what do you believe will happen to you? umm...they'd put me in the ground i suppose.
Does death scare you? not really
Have you ever been drunk? yes
taken drugs? no
shoplifted? no
Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? sure
gotten into a fight? i love the catfights eliz and i used to have in the hallways. where we'd slap each other and call each other bitches and whores and everyone would look at us like we were insane.
Would you date a drug addict? i doubt it
have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict? no
Are you racist? no
Have you been a hypocrite in the past? i probably have
Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? i think i'm pretty open
Do you watch tons of tv? i watch no tv.
How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? around 20?
Do you listen to the radio often? depends on the mood i'm in.
Whats your fave sport? soccer
Whats your fave sport to watch? hockey.
Do you have a fave team of any sort? nope.
Do you play a lot of sports? i cant play sports.
ever won anything for sport? i have a varsity letter?
Are you funny or serious? more funny than serious.
Creative or not? i dont really know.
Logical thinker or lateral thinker? lateral? how about longitudical?
Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on the situation...usually more on the outgoing side.
Are you lazy or active? actively lazy.
Are you happy with the way you look? suitable.
What would you change? right now my frikken skin is breaking out like mad. so i'd change that.
Do you wear makeup regularly? i've only worn it twice since school got out.
Do you have a large wardrobe? yah. i like clothes.
Do you have a job? several.
Do you like it? usually.
Are you a saver or a spender? a spender...but in a good way. i get a lot for my money. i like to call myself an "investor".
Have you ever been fired? nope.
In trouble at work? not very much.
Made a major mistake? i've made a few.
Your all time most embarassing moment? too many. the tigger suit was pretty bad.
Ever giggled like an idiot? all the time
Whats the coolest holiday you remember having? new years with gramma and grampa bubbles.
Ever had funny thoughts and laughed and no one understood you? constantly....story of my life.