The loss of friends you didn't have
The title has nothing to do with this entry, but I like that line. In fact, it's the exact opposite of what this is about...

So, she actually did it. Thursday night, as usual, I went to Ashley's house after class. It seemed like the same even though we both knew that she was leaving in the morning.

Well, as I was about to leave, she was about to go to bed, and she kissed her sister on the cheek, and Lindsay started crying, and I walked out of the house and made it to my car before I lost it.

I went to the airport with them at a god awful time...but I didn't really say a heartfelt goodbye to her, because words can't explain what she means to me. I told her "bye, have fun" and hugged her.

The harder Lindsay cried, the harder I cried.

Ever since then, I've been on the verge of tears at all times. I cried like 3 times at work yesterday, over little shit. Shit that I would normally just roll my eyes at.

I knew it would be hard. I didn't know it would be this hard.

We're in totally different worlds...the weather, the time difference, the relationship status....everything is now so foreign.

I miss her so much.

I made a lot of mistakes. Mostly, I didn't take enough pictures. Last night before I went to bed, I looked through all my pictures, and I have like...less than twenty...of all the times we spent together, and I have like no pictures...

.yeah.

Pictures fade away, but memory's forever
So, Oswego was great fun.

Well, the campus was nice, the nightlife was fun. haha.

Kellie was really nice, her friend Julianne was nice...it was all around a good time. Sarah, of course, is great too.

We didn't buy pumpkins on the way home though. That makes me sad--they were one dollar for a big pumpkin!

So, I definately want to go there next fall. I can't wait. That's where I am supposed to be..besides Colorado, I guess. At least, that's what my instincts are telling me.

Which reminds me of a quote from One Tree Hill:

"I'm trying so hard to care when my instincts are screaming that you're full of shit."

Emphasis on 'screaming'. I love that show.

So...Ashley hasn't even left yet, and...I'm dying already. I haven't been depressed, but her leaving, along with some other stuff, is bringing me back down. Last night I layed in bed crying again. I hate those days...I don't want to go back to that, but life is kinda fuckin' with me lately.

And I really miss Erica, even though it's nothing that I did, and I should just hate her for not caring, not caring that a friendship of that long could just end over a stupid miscommunication. I should hate her for letting me mean nothing. But, I can't. I won't.
god.

You're in the arms of an angel...fly away from here.
So...It's been a stressful month...make that year.

Anyways, it seems unfair that everyone is dying. It's like death is all around me. Even on TV it makes me hysterical. I think I need some serious counsoling.

Ashley is leaving in a week. I don't know how I'm going to handle that, so for now, I just try not to think much about it. She's not even coming back until June. And that's a maybe. I could just go see her, but with school and everything, that's hard. Plus, I don't really want to see Chris...I'm scared. She really put meaning into BEST friend, and no one can replace her. It's so depressing.

Anyways. So, tomorrow Sarah and I are going to Oswego. I am going to miss the Saturday student thingy, but I'm going to the one on Monday. I'll probably just go up there some other time for a Saturday thing.

No school Monday, no babysitting. Thank you, god.

"I'll stand by you..won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you, take me in into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you. I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you."


Next month is 2 years since Shawn died. -Oh, his mom nevrr wrote back.- I can't believe how much you can still miss someone or just...not even miss, but grieve, for so long...My uncle who was like my favorite family member, died like 8 years ago, and (shamefully) I don't think about him very much at ALL, same with my grandpa...it's so weird.
I think it's all about the circumstances.

I feel...lost.
So, a new chapter is opening in my life. It's one that will take a while to get used to, and one that I will not enjoy.

Well, I knew Ashley was going to Hawaii in October, and I knew she was moving there in December. But when it's a ninety degree August night, December seems so far away.

Well, I called Ashley last night....and she told me that when she goes on the 17th, she's not coming back. It's so much harder to accept when it's not "forever" away, in fact it's not even 20 days away. Well, I'm really glad that I called her, because if I had found out from her forwarded email, I would have been pretty offended.

I just want to say that Ashley, together we have grown, changed, and grown up. We've had the best of times...the worst of times, but through it all, we had each other. I just want to say that I'm so glad that we became friends.

At times, you were the only person that I could consider my friend...You'll always be my BESTEST FRIEND.

Whether it was walking from your house to mine across Batavia, watching sunsets over the ugly creek, taking pictures of funny signs...to getting our licenses and driving to the rez because we were cool like that....
With you, I've had the time of my life.

Thanks for always being there, through the tears, the laughter, and just hanging out.

Don't forget me, ok?

I've loved like I should and lived like I shouln't
So. Shawn's mom still hasn't written back, but the mail is gonna be here in like a half hour. So.

Anyways, everything for Oswego is looking good.

I went to College night the other night just to talk to someone about it..and man did that guy talk mine and Ashley's ear off. Sarah and I could possibly be going for the whole weekend of the (October) 11th. That's exciting, it's so close! That way, I can do TWO open housy things at once.

Then, I will go later on with Ashley B. My parents want to go, but I don't care. I don't want them to, really.

I switched banks. Matti's mom was really nice to me. I appreciate it. I even got a debit card.......which kind of scares me to death, but. I'll be careful. I will. I just have to open a savings there, but I applied online for it.

Casey moves today. I went by her house and there were all these cars there. It was sad. :( I'll miss her, that's for sure.


Yeah, I'm SO gonna go to the gym today.... I have to start going on a regular basis...I have to get back down to fitting in at least SOME of my old jeans...Or, I'll cry.

Umm...what else is new...

I can't think of anything, really, so bye.

I'm sick of school work.
I've been working on this damn case study for hours now, and i'm still not done. damn her. AND she expects us to study 20 hours for her fricken unit test.


I think it's time to do some math homework. Fun stuff. Cuz, you know, the ONE time I was confused as to what we had to do, and didn't do it, she collected it. Even though I did it EVERY OTHER TIME. oh well.

I'm soooooo relieved and excited that I figured out where I want to go (where I AM going) next fall. OSWEGO. Holla.

Lakeside dorm, holla again...:)

Can't wait.

Ashley B might go too, that'd be awesome, I'm scared of roomates that are strangers. Cuz I don't like people. BLaH.

Well, back to not procrastinating.

I did it. I can't believe it, but I really did it.
I wrote to Shawn's mom. After nearly two years of looking for information on him or her or his sister......I found his mom's address online.

But when I found it (sunday) I was like "I can't do this......I just can't do it." Last night, I went in my room and started to write about stuff, it's my only way of dealing with things. I made a list of the reasons why I did not want to write to her. I made a list of reasons why I did want to write to her.

The first list was five "I'm scared that..." sentences. The second list was things along the line of "I want her to know people still miss him," "I want to connect with him as much as I can," "I want a something physical."

I feel that some of the reasons on the list to write to her FAR outweighed the reasons not to: Fear.

Maybe she won't write back. Maybe she will...and maybe I won't like what she has to say.

Either way...there's no turning back. It's in the mail.

Blahhhhhhh
So! I went to class yesterday! And I even stayed at school forever doing work (and mainly reading a book...)

But anyways, yesterday I acquired SEVEN new pez dispensers! And some art and books!!

Ashley B bought me 6 pez dispensers, and I didn't have ANY of them, and she brought me a mountain dew! I don't deserve friends that do that kind of stuff! So then we went to "Barnes and Noble" (the supposed highlight of the trip) but come to find out, Boarders is a million times better.

Boarders had "Buy 2 (Clearance books) get one free" So I got 3 hardcover books for 15 dollars. One was about Escher!!

We both bought a ton of stuff....




butttttttttt........at media play I got my first Giant Pez dispenser..that plays music!!!! Miss Piggy!!! (It was either her, snoopy, or the simpsons.....and since "I" had lost my little miss piggy dispenser, I HAD to get her.)

What a great day... :)

I don't know.

I will never feel all right until people stop recognizing me.

I'm so depressed over nothing.

Tonight was sarah's dinner party and it was fun....

yet, I'm more depressed than ever...(well no not really)...and I feel like I let ashley down.

Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say
I don't want that last journal to be the first thing people see...lol...i was MAD.

Anyways, nannying started today, it was fun.

Besides having to play "Charades for kids"...TWICE. haha. but they're fun.

we're at the same maturity level. sad.

FUCK THE FUCKING MUCKDOGS
God, I have to get this off my head...

I hate Muckdogs SOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

I do them a favor by going in to do cotton candy for them on a day jon SAID I could have off...and I end up having to stay there...jon denied saying we could have off.

THEN I could "leave as soon as the sweet shack closes" What good is that when by then Barnes and Noble would be closed? THEN I had to do dishes, which I did on MONDAY and you are only supposed to do them 1 every 4 games...

but oh, jon said "i'll do them for you" then that turned into "if you guess within 100$ of what the sweet shack did, i'll do dishes for you"...i did them..all. (with kate's help, thank god)


but then, Oh jenna, the condiment thing needs to be wiped down, and my bucket needs to be filled....WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU DOING THE DISHES FOR ME?! then I do that shit, and he tells me I have to do garbages. that's when I signed out and drove off.

I'm pissed, I was going to go to tully's, but that last part just went so far over the line that I was on the verge of tears.


so then I went and lit a candle for shawn, and got the tears out, said a little prayer, and went home.

But the rage is not gone. FUCK YOU JON you fuckin liar.

And I have to be up at like 5:30 tomorrow. and I haven't finished any of my homework for tomorrow...

god, i wish i woulda gone to tullys but there's no way i was waitin around to see who went. fuck.

It gets so hard sometimes to understand...
So, I should be doing homework, and I am, but every little while I have to stop and get online, because I am addicted.

Well, I came across a news article about this man who is a parapeligic who climbs mountains.

This is his wepage: http://www.powerplegic.com/index.html

Anyways, I am amazed at this. Most people on this world have never climbed a mountain, nor will they ever try. Keegan Reilly, however, has sumited several, and is currently working on Mt. Fujii. This would be a major accomplishment to anyone....but to someone in a position where it is very hard to be independent, and has to rely on a wheelchair in every day life? He has to hand crank his four wheeled "mountain bike" up these mountains.


It's people like these that show true persistance and make me strive to accomplish more. I wish everyone was as strong as this man.

A few more words and I'm going to go...
So, Ashley and I really want to go to Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Media Play, and the only day to do it is Wednesday, but we have a Muckdogs game. So, we were going to just not go, but we told Jon...I still feel like a jerk for it, though.

So the game got canceled tonight, and even with dishes, I signed out for 8:20! AWESOME! I'm done with that place. But I am going to miss Kasie and Lauren so much!!!

So we went to Tullys after that. It was me, ashley, amy, jenny, frosty bites dave, mike, and jon stayed for a bit. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

FB Dave is like 35 (carry the one) and he's just so nice, it was like hanging out with someone our own age...I don't know. We were there for 3 hours, but, it was great. I have to say, I will miss times like that when I move to CO and don't know a single soul.

I love little things like that. It was so simple (kind of pricy though) but just one of the things that make up for the shitty things in life.

I was going to do somethin in the sweet shack, and didn't get a chance...now i must go do it and do some homework as well....eh. Oh well, it was a great night.