I have so much time til class....
So..yesterday before classes, I was reading my book, as I was almost done with it.
The main character's friend died. This guy was like his brother...and he died, despite the main character's attempts to save him.

And I started bawling, and couldn't stop. I realized how scared of death I really am. I mean, I'm so scared of losing the people around me that I would rather die first so I wouldn't have to go through losing them...It's bad.

I'm not scared of dying, myself, I'm just scared of living without the people that I feel I need. I mean...Shawn died, and maybe it was the circumstances of his death that made it all the worse...but that was, no HAS been soooo hard for me, and it's been almost 2 years (somehow). And every day, I still think about him, wonder what could have been...and miss him like hell..

And I barely knew him.


What's going to happen when I lose someone that knows me inside and out, when I lose one of the people I turn to when I can't handle life by myself anymore?

I don't want to know.......I know that death is a fact of life, ironically, but the feelings afterward...the wondering where they are now, and the feeling that you never told them everything you should have...that shouldn't be a fact of life, because...I can't deal with that.

Maybe I'm just weak.

Maybe I just love my friends too much...

A thousand prayers, a million words...one voice was heard...
Well...

On vacation, I was thinking....about a lot of stuff...and I was thinking about stories and Happy endings...and I realized how disapointed I am with life.

And I came up with a philosophy...I think that we expect so much from life because when we used to watch all that happy ending, everyone's in love, everything's always ok, happily ever after bullshit...And we watched it at a time when a lot of our perceptions on things were conceived. We go around thinking that our prince will always come riding in, and that life is great once you slay the evil things (which is never that hard). But it's not...sometimes life isn't great for months on end...and sometimes you can't ever change the things that are wrong...

But those stories never told us that.

Damn, I swear to god my kids are never watching disney movies.
Look what it does.

I just want to live while I'm alive...
So, the semester starts today...everyone is all like "ooh college" it's retarded.. Maybe because I already have a year done while I should be just starting...but either way, do they think it is going to be FUN?

Well, just two more semesters (or it sounds better if you say "one more after this")..and I'm out...COLORADO FOR LIFE

anyways, I am actually "trying" this morning, and that is the point of this journal.

I am actually going to do my hair, put on some makeup, and accessorize. I haven't done that since...High School...wow. But, it's all in honor of White Camero Boy's comments...which were half offensive...oh well.

We'll see...

MWF I only have one class...so in essence I'm trying to look my best for one fricking class..woopty doo.

READ THE OTHER ONE FIRST...
So...then Friday NIGHT we were going to back downtown, to a coffee shop. But Lindsay was set on going out and she's too young, so being the great older sisters "we" are, we were going to take the kids with us. Well, let me just say that what is wrong with parents that would hit their almost-teenage daughter with a belt for wearing a little (ok it was kinda heavy) makeup ONE TIME? Well, Esther, she was young but so fun, was like making her self sick over it...

So after about an hour of coffee shoppin' it up, (which was nothing like I expected) I thought "Why don't we just go get some makeup remover at a store?" Because water wasn't taking it off...well everything was closed by that time, so we resorted to using contact solution, because we drove around hopelessly with no avail. Tensions were high.

Well, nothin else was that exciting...but Ashley and I kept being reminded of our punk days, and so when we got home late last night, we dressed up in her old punk attire, and went cruisin. But this time it was more punk with a twist of prostitution...well that's how it looked, anyways. There was no actual prostitution involved (unfortunately) (just kidding..oh baby).

It was so much fun.

Why did it end?

Wow, I definately needed that vacation. It was sooo great, the only real summer I experienced this year.

We got a late start on Thursday night, and didn't get there til midnight. But, you could see Boldt Castle from the balcony, and it was all lit up, reallyyyyyy nice view.
The way there, Ashley and I had conversations about lots of little stuff, and some of it was really depressing. It's sad that this is our last summer as the way we "are/used to be" yet we didn't really do anything except this one weekend...:( I wish money wasn't so important that you'd waste your life away working rather than having a good time with the people who matter the most.

Friday we took a boat ride...(more on that later.....) to Singer Castle, and toured it, it was really pretty. My first castle experience. It was really, really hot though.

On the way back, some old people took our seats and Ashley AND Lindsay both yelled at them, and gave them a piece of their minds. Old people suck. I hate the stereotype that kids are so rude/misbehaved, but really it's the fucking old people. One was a conehead, for god's sake.

Later that night, ashley and I went downtown, if you want to call it that. There isn't even a McDonalds within a 25 mile radius. You call that civilization? I don't. Some stores had some cute stuff, but not much....

More later.

I did it.
Day two of training. I ran a mile. 3 consecutive laps! Thanks Marygrace, for going with me and for inspiring me to do the best I can. We ran 3, then walked one very slowly, then ran one more. I'm proud. If I can improve that by six times...YAY! My goal!

I have so much to do before I go away for the weekend, tomorrow, but, it's such a nice day out, I HAVE to go outside...you can't take things like that for granted, ya know?

I have to pack, write Marilyn a letter (SHE SENT ME AN AWESOME PACKAGE TODAY!!!), and try to find my books for cheaper online...but I have to work at 5 :( Oh well, I thought I had to work at 2, thank God I don't.

Speaking of God, lol, Rachel and I had a nice conversation the other day...it was nice. I mean we were never all that tight, but we were close...we did hang out.

This summer sucks because it's the last summer with Ashley, and we've hung out like 3 times...this weekend will help though, it's going to rock. I wish money wasn't such a necessity of survival, these days...

Why do I write so much?
So, I didn't have time earlier to tell you about day one of training for the 6 mile run.

I guess I shouldn't have had such high expectations when I haven't run in a year.

But I thought going to the gym all those times would have helped a little, at least.

I ran once around the track. Then I walked once. I repeated that and then left. I could have run another lap or two, but, it was hot. And the football players were there. Staring. And I don't like them.
And I don't like being stared at.

But all in all, I went a mile. WOhoo.

I am sad.
So, you know how I REALLY didn't want to go buy books? Here's why...they were like all $100, so it came to $433.70. I feel so used. It's bad...I'm mad. I cry.

Subway sucked today...there was only 3 people today and Tuesdays are $3.49 footlong days...we need four people. Customers were bitches, too.

I LOOOVEE art. Today, while wandering around Wal-Mart, I found prints!!! For REALLY cheap! I bought one of Ansel Adams...Driftwood. I love him, he's my fave photographer, yet they didn't have any of his really good work...oh well, it was still really exciting. I bought Ashley the Salvador Dali one she wants...hmm, I wonder if she bought that one at Prints Plus...now I'm starting to wonder...whoops, I can give it to Kate, although I bought her the small version of it.

I also bough Van Gogh's Roses for myself because I couldn't pass it up.

Off to Muckers for the night.

Bye, world.

I don't believe that anyone feels the way I do about you...now.
So today was fine.
Mr W. was in a great mood, and I loved it.
The customers weren't too bad.
God, I feel like work is my life....it is.

At the stadium, ~I feel kinda bad~ I told Darren how I felt about how he never talked to me until I brought the fact up, and now he like tries to hard to talk to me. I mean, it does bother me, but I'm sure he doesn't mean to make me feel like that, so I feel bad. Well, we're fine now. Best friends, even. (I know he's probly readin' this, too, cuz I mentioned the subway going to my head comment)

So, the customers there weren't too bad, either. It was really nice, though, afterwards, we all stayed and talked for like 45 minutes about everything and nothing at all. It was just one of those moments that the little things really make life what they are....if that makes any sense to anyone.

*Maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me....*

Anyways, I'm determined to RUN the 6 mile Walk for Diabetes. It's in about 6 weeks. I probably can barely run a mile as of right now. Tomorrow morning, Marygrace and I are going to the track. This is going to take a LOT of work...but reason for me to use my gym membership...:) that's always good.
What a waste it has been so far.

I can't wait. And if I can't do it, I'll just walk part of it...and continue training for the 10 mile MS walk...both good causes. There's also the Race for the Cure sometime...don't know when.

Good night, moon.

You're right.
I admit it. Subway went to my head. What can I say? I mean it is such a great job, how could I NOT let it go to my head? I'm sorry. I'll try to get over the excitement of being a sandwich artist and making shitty pay.


I appologize.

Wow
Do we see a theme here? Of me always rushing and typing short assed journals? When I really have a ton to say?

Anyways, I woke up at 3 and realized that I went to bed with my bottom retainer in, and that it was no longer in my mouth...I flipped out, I thought I swallowed it...I found it though, don't worry.

So, I love sleeping under my sleeping bag...but it's obviously way too hot...so this is what I do: (I'm such a weirdo) I turned the fan on high, and then it was cool enough for me to use my sleeping bag...i'm such a dork.

I have to go to subway from 11-2 and from 5-10. Which sucks, but I can't wait for the check.

I would just stay, but after yesterdays 14 hours, umm, no.

But ashley b brought me cotton candy and visited with me!!! it was nice. Thanks ash!

I'm not cranky anymore!
So, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but Ashley (AKA sister wendy) is coming in to see me!

No Muckiedoggs til monday, because the opporitunity cost is lower for working at Submiesters. (take that, Brewer.)

Friday will be awesome, huge paycheck, that I will not get until Saturday, because Ash R and I are going to the 1000 Islands Thursday-Saturday. I wonder if we'll eat some salad....not funny, I know.

So I guess Nick got back from the fricken war!!!!!!!! (It's about time) but I have a hard time caring *too* much, after realizing how little Ashley and I meant to her after all.

Oh well. You live, you learn, and you have fun in between. Or something.

Can't wait til next week. I have to say, I really deserve/NEED this vacay.

CRANKY IS DMAN RIGHT!!
So the infamous power outtage.......

Yeah, it went out while I was working at Subway (Job number 1)... to sum it up, I was so excited that it was out all over town, and that I wouldn't have to work at the Muckdogs (Job number 2) because I have about 80 hours this week. Well, surprise, the Muckdogs actually HAD power. I was pissed.

Not looking forward to opening tomorrow, and redoing all the prep work that went to waste. Subway should invest in a generator.

Saturday I have to work from 8:30AM to 10:00 PM all at subway. SHOOT ME.

I have to buy books. Goodbye everything I've earned at Job number 2!!!!! I hate buying books. It makes me cry.