wouldn't it be nice

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wouldn't it be nice

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:: 2012 26 March :: 1.31pm

strange argument last night.

Over the smallest thing too. Not really relationship-ending by any stretch of the imagination, but strange.

Did pass that dreaded 6 month mark, which may seem like nothing to you, but means a lot to me for many reasons. So here's to that.

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:: 2012 20 March :: 8.50pm

Happiest I have been in a long time :)

:: 2012 17 March :: 4.36pm

Happy drinking day Mount Pleasant.

Now step it up and finish passing out so I can enjoy my music.

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jes	:: 2012 13 March :: 7.12pm I hate feeling like you've supported people though out their life and circumstances but when you face your own, they have no thoughts other than about themselves. Post comment

:: 2012 11 March :: 4.43am

why am i still awake
~~because i can. fuck bodies~~

i could do this shit forever. once i fall into it i can't stop. organizing.

you have left this behind. so i will wear it. i will become you in your wake.

you'll never know. you walk the earth every day knowing nothing of this. it gives me a strange sort of delight.

how you've changed. you left a niche to fill. for me, at least.

:: 2012 6 March :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: crushed

My heart is aching for you!
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

:: 2012 29 February :: 3.13pm

Its been almost 2 month since Darielle has been over. She has barely said anything to Mike. I only saw her long enough to drop money of to her at school (for her mom because she forgot to give it to her before school and her mom was in the hospital having surgery) and tell her I deserve an apology. Mike saw her long enough to pick her up from school and take her home because her mom was at one of the other kids sporting events. She has asked Mike to bring her food at school and he probably would have if I hadn't been home. She told him her trip money was due in March and he told her that her attitude adjustment and better grades were due a long time ago.

I feel guilty because she hates me so that is ruining her relationship with Mike and Reagan. And it breaks my heart that she hasn't even asked about Reagan. It probably makes me seem really petty that I am really upset and hurt that she never says one thing about Reagan on facebook and on the rare occasion she has, she deletes it before too many people see it. Yet she posts tons of things about her nieces and nephews.

I can't help but think she is ashamed of Reagan and hates her or resents her. What the hell am I supposed to say to Reagan when she is older and asks where her sister is? I'm not going to lie to her but I definitely dont want to break her heart.

I want to punch someone in the face.

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:: 2012 27 February :: 8.48pm

K/BB

Halladay
Haren
Lee
McCarthy
Kershaw
Grienke
Hamels
Velander
Tomlin
Bumgarner

:: 2012 27 February :: 8.46pm

K/9

Grienke
Morrow
Kershaw
Sanchez
Lee
Lincecum
Pineda
Gallardo
Verlander
Garza

:: 2012 27 February :: 8.42pm

OPS

Bautista
Cabrera
Braun
Kemp
Fielder
Berkman
Gonzalez
Ortiz
Votto
Ellsbury

:: 2012 27 February :: 8.40pm

Steals
Bourn
Crisp
Gardner
Bonafacio
Kemp
Maybin
Stubbs
Suzuki
Ellsbury
Reyes

:: 2012 27 February :: 8.36pm

Runs = Total bases
Ellsbury
Kemp
Gonzalez
Braun
Cabrera
Cano
Fielder
Granderson
Votto
Upton

:: 2012 27 February :: 7.08am

I'm sitting here on my bed.... wearing socks....

jes	:: 2012 26 February :: 9.29am :: Mood: annoyed So insensitive. Feels like salt is being shoved into my wounds. Post comment

jes	:: 2012 24 February :: 8.56am ughhhhhh shut up! Post comment

:: 2012 23 February :: 5.06pm

It was confirmed today that we lost our baby. Today is a very sad and heart breaking day for Ryan and I. We heal/deal in entirely different ways, which is hard to make sure we're both feeling like we're "coping" and supporting one another, but we're getting through it as best as we know how.

I feel very alone, even though I know I'm not. I don't want to be around people, but yet, I hate feeling alone. I just for myself, to think about and deal with everything, need some worship music, ryan and landon, and time alone.

I really wish people would stop saying, "It's for the best", THE best would have been for me to have my baby, and just because they might not of been healthy doesn't mean I wanted him/her any less, because I STILL want my baby. I know people don't know what to say, and are only trying to help, but it just makes me feel worse. Vacation and leaving the country couldn't have come at any better of a time.

:: 2012 23 February :: 1.30pm

frustrate
Why do I always burn my bridges?

I guess because what comes from the other side is more harmful than good.

Still, I get judged all the same.

Oh well.

:: 2012 22 February :: 10.58pm

Tomorrow we find out if God decided to answer our prayers, or if it's time to start healing and move on. I'm so back and forth on how I feel. Because I just don't know what's happened. So one minute I'm sad, and pissed off at the world. Then the next, I'm hopeful, praying, even moments where all feels "normal" again, and then they quickly pass. I just feel like this is all still a bad dream, that I just can't wake up from, it feels never ending! I just don't know how this could have happened, why did this happen, how am I EVER suppose to be ok with this? How will I ever make peace with the Lord giving and taking away?? How can I face other people??

liz	:: 2012 20 February :: 10.44pm My car is seriously pissing me off. I leave in a week for training and the minute I replace the starter the frigging alternator goes out wtf Patti I thought we were good. Post comment

:: 2012 20 February :: 2.28pm

Is it like this in everyone's head? Not writing this sentence might have been the first step in differntiating between what's in here and everything- everyone- else out there.

Am I an angry person?

:: 2012 19 February :: 11.31pm

}ust when you give up something great comes along :)

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:: 2012 19 February :: 8.28pm

I will no longer have a relationship with my mother.
I have had all I can take.
Apparently I am the only one of her kids who didn't turn out..

Fuck her. She can't even come over to see her granddaughter. She drops Reagan's gifts off at my sisters, and sends me a text telling me i can go pick them up. Really? That's fucking ridiculous.

I have turned out better than I should have considering she was my influence.

I am DONE!

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:: 2012 13 February :: 3.24pm

yeah, so i love how I am a "bad person" because i don't go to work when i am sick. I mean honestly, if you don't have a job don't criticize me for taking a day off at mine just because you are pissed that I have a job and hate it, while everyone else you know calls to bitch because they can't get a job. I'm not bitching and whose business is it aside from me and my boss if I don't go to work.
Get real.

:: 2012 12 February :: 7.54pm

Reading my woohu journal shows me how much I have grown as a person. Funny how much my friend group has changed. I guess were all growing up differently some good and some bad. I will always remember the good times though. So excited for what this year will bring.

:: 2012 10 February :: 9.26pm

Can not believe I'm graduating in may, so excited. Loving my new puppy. Still haven't had a drink since new years, feels great. Things are defintely looking up this year.

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:: 2012 9 February :: 11.21am

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:: 2012 6 February :: 10.40pm

Maybe trashed. That was hard to spell.

:: 2012 6 February :: 10.37pm

Drink, drank, drunk. Definatly drunk. giggle.

:: 2012 30 January :: 4.32pm

It's not masturbating if nothing comes out.

:: 2012 27 January :: 11.30pm

Well here we are again. 23 Minutes in Brussels.

Difficult as always.

She doesnt make it easy. I know when she seems 'off'. She seems that way tonight. I feel like she hides it by praising me or praising my ability to overlook her strange ways.

Its not really easy to deal with this. I want to not offend her, especially if she has been drinking, that wont end well. She will resent me and not even know why or what was the problem(s).

"Sometimes I think that you don't like me as much as you did before."

How does one properly respond to that? Im nervous to answer it. Its loaded.

I do like you. I liked you more, yes. I want to like you as much, and try hard to do so. Its easy to do so. Whats not easy is how to deal with you acting stranger at times than others. The wait you put me through for a chance to try this thing out has hurt things. I see it and know it. Id like to think I overlook it 95% of the time too.

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