No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

:: 2004 16 November :: 6.19am

They're screaming at each other.
She called off the wedding. I hate when they break up because they always make this huge thing about it and they always end up getting back together so it's pointless.

:: 2004 15 November :: 9.13pm

I still want to cry. I still can't. I downloaded "Ocean Breathes Salty" by Modest Mouse. Finally. Listening to it now. I really like this song.

I finished my History work. I have yet to finish Count of Monte Christo, and I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do on the poetry section and the writing the introduction to whatever I'm supposed to be writing. And I still haven't done my math. I don't even want to.

I'm so depressed. I just want to copy this song on a CD and listen to it over and over again in my room. In the dark.

That's scenario number one.

I'm so depressed. I just want to lay in my room and watch Moulin Rouge over and over until I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion and depression.

That's scenario number two.

I'm so depressed. I just want to sit in my room and watch/listen to the Coldplay concert until I doze off.

That's scenario number three.

Don't ask about the scenario thing. I'm just.. blah. I don't know if I'd even call it depression. Wah, wah, poor me, pity me. Nah, not really. I just don't want to have to go to school tomorrow or anymore. I don't want to have to read anymore, no more work. But everyone's gotta do this, so why should I be any different?

I just want to be alone, I think. I don't feel like being around my family right now either. I really do want to go listen to music or watch Moulin Rouge. I read a fanfic that was a parody of the Moulin Rouge, so that's why. Plus, I feel like being depressed.

Wow, you know it's really bad when you find me here for the second time in the same day. Two long entries on the same day, that's even worse.

I want to type something, but there's a chance that someone may see it and become utterly depressed and hate me. I don't want to be the object of someone's hatred, so I just won't say it. I can think it though, and I can tell my friends.

Sorry, I know I used to hate it when people got all mysterious like that. If I could be described as mysterious, haha.

... I think I could be described by .. =\

Sad, huh? Ah well. I'm not the most depressed person in the world, nor am I the worst off.. I'm just confused and tired and .. like I've said fifty times already, depressed.

Well, I've already repeated everything over and over so I'll just go... Do something...

Be safe everyone.

And forgive any typos I made.. not really.. here.. spelling-wise..

:: 2004 15 November :: 3.35pm

I feel like screaming. I don't know why. I think I'm going crazy. I can't remember a lot of things. Maybe it is just because I'm a teenager. I hope so. I feel like writing but I am so messed up now that I can't even get one idea out without letting it get jumbled in with fifty others. This really.. sucks (for lack of a better word).

Was I even here for the last week? Of course I was, but what did I say? What did I think? I can only remember bits and pieces. I guess it might have been because I was sick. When I get sick, I get frustrated easily. When I'm not sick, I get frustrated easily. What's it matter?

I'm looking for something that I'll never be able to have.

So, in the meantime, I'll just look for something right quick through my old Woohu journal entries.

I found somewhere where I'd described myself in ninth grade year. Most of it is true even now.. Although I wonder if I lose my temper so much now as I did then. Probably do.

Oh, wow. I found journal entries from back when I was with Kei, er, Chris. Oh whatever. I'll call him what I called him then. Kei. I didn't think I felt that strongly about him back then. Maybe when you're younger, it's easier to pretend that your feelings are real, so you trick yourself into believing them even though they may not be true.

Back then I was Mei. Am I Ashley now? Not Mei? ... Am I still Meiko? Am I still Li-Li? Did those people only exist back then? Li-Li, I think I am still, since whenever I do speak to Skye, she still calls me that sometimes. Meiko.. That was a really long time ago, or so it feels. Those were good times though.. I want to go back to middle school. Less responsibility, schoolwork wasn't so hard, nor was it so important.. Now everything we do determines which college we get into.

My head is starting to hurt, which I really don't need it to do. I have to start on my work again soon. I think I can make it through until Thanksgiving break.. Four days this week, since I missed today, and two or so days next week. I think. I don't remember very well.

I'm so stupid. Why did I have to get sick last week, and miss a whole week? Why didn't I just keep myself healthier? Why can't I finish my makeup homework? Why can't I remember?!

Er, sorry. Apologies.

Aw, I remember when I used to say 'freakish.' .. Didn't I used to say 'der' too? Oh well.

I feel like wearing makeup. I -never- wear makeup. Ever. So why now? Do I feel like hiding away from the real world? Is this even the real world? I think I live in my mind, making things out to be bigger than they really are. Every single thing has to have a meaning for me, hidden or apparent. I overreact even now.. That's kind of.. amusing.. Isn't it?

I didn't plan on typing out such a long journal entry.. Sorry, whoever's reading this.

... meh... I feel weak again. I hate it when I feel like this. I feel like crying.. but whenever I need to.. I can't.

Anyway, I think I'll go do something else for a while.. I really want to hear 'Ocean Breathes Salty' again. >_< I really like that song.

.. Maybe I'll change my journal layout.. It's too.. bright.. and happy.. I don't care, Tawney. I don't need color. Blah.

Be safe, everyone.

:: 2004 15 November :: 2.26pm

Amazing Amazing Amazing
FUCKING HELL. Last night was fantastic. Well we saw The Birthday Massacre sitting at a table before anyone started playing, and we went over there and they had us sit down and they asked us about school and stuff and signed our little pieces of paper we had. Rainbow was so fucking nice. So were the rest of them. Then after another band, Deadstar Assembly started playing and they were AMAZING. After that my friends and I went over to Dro and asked him to sign crap and my friend was blabbering on about how I was shaking during the whole thing and all that jazz, and Dro went "Aww" and gave me a huge bear hug. Then The Birthday Massacre were on so we went over there to watch them: AMAZING. After that I went over to Mubo from Deadstar Assembly and got him to sign my little piece of paper. And then Dreggs came over and I asked him. And I got hugs from both and a kiss on the cheek from Mubo. He told me I was cute and that my glasses were hot and then he went over and was talking with my mom. He loves the "moms". Then Dro came back and he signed THIS piece of paper and I got another hug and then we went over to The Birthday Massacre again and got more hugs and they signed my CD and we talked for a bit. For some reason I wasn't expecting them to be so nice. Then Cygnus signed and hugged, and finally I went up to Dearborn and signed and hugged. That man is tall. Anyway, sorry for typing so much. I just woke up.

:: 2004 13 November :: 4.09pm

I'm back on the computer. We finally moved.
The house is nice. The concert's tomorrow. I can't get ahold of Ashley.

DarkSwordDancer

:: 2004 11 November :: 10.57pm

My god its been forever since ive updated.

Proposel:We got it and we are going down to Tuson this month, like the end and the beinging of december.

New Crushs:
Ryan(Senior)-Hes in my art class, we flirt alot...heheh
Jeremy: Hes a taken almost married man...yeah..im pathetic (Senior)
Andrew- *Joins the AW fan club*...mwhahahahaha *looks at tube dress picture*

School:
Willy let me go to the drama thing, it was so much fun. I got to see one of my favorite shakespearian plays , was taught how to stage fight AND got to make love to the same wall as Andrew...mwhahhahaha...THESE ARE THE FORGERIES OF JEALOSY!

Well overall life is pretty good..i dunno...i thing we need to have a get together at the mall, like this weekend...hmmm?i'll call everyone..if i remember.

Weight Loss Progress:
Lost 10 lb last wek!!!!!!^-^...im happy!!!

Prom is December 4th....ack! Too soon.

Break a leg or two! Cause its opening night for The Cripple of an Ishman...yeah...some people said the word Bmecth...(screambled for the safety of those of the play......) Yeah so...

Youthj symphonie is having its first concert this year..you should all come!!!!!!It would be great!...but yeah ok....im tired and have to make a table soo...buh bye?

:: 2004 11 November :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: Insufficient
:: Music: "Talk Show Host" - Radiohead

A pool of azure water, seeming calm upon the surface
But underneath its glossy pane, the dynamic is extreme. All life fights for survival, many hunting their own kind for food. What cannot be used is destroyed; worse yet, what can be used is coveted, plundered, and ultimately rendered useless after the masses carelessly fight for it. The dead are non-existant, or that is what is perceived: anything deceased becomes armor for the constant warfare. All this under the glass of the world above, perfectly ignorant: abashed to jump in.

:: 2004 10 November :: 11.08pm

I opened this window about 3 or more minutes ago. Then I started sneezing. Oh wait. More sneezing on its way. Or maybe not. Wait, wait.

Don't you hate it when you're about to sneeze, and you really need to sneeze, but then it just fades away? I do. Come back, sneeze! I need you!

Sickish. Cold. It' evolving... O_O It went from a sore throat, to .. whatever it was, to a bad cold. -twitch- Medicine is supposed to HELP right? >\ Makin' me miss almost a full week of school. If I stay home tomorrow also, is there any reason to go on Friday? Even if I get better? o_O

My teeth are stained medicine grape. No, I mean it. I can hardly take pills as it is, and with a sore throat? Hah. So I've been stuck with liquid medicine. It's either Robitussen "cherry" [Yeah. Right. Cherry. O_o..] or some other type "grape." Sorry, I prefer real grapes.

But, hey, at least this whole being sick thing is making me not eat as much. Not hurting me too bad.. >_>

Okay. It's starting to get hot. And I can't take off my socks because that would be too much freedom. Darn it. If I don't wear socks, then I'll get too cold (even though I'm sweating o_O), and if I get too cold, I'll get worse. Most likely true, but I don't have to admit that.

10:14.. Maybe I'll go lay down and reread some Anita Blake book. Start over at the second one, seeing as I don't have the first one? =D

Ah. Choo.

I wish.

Okay, I shall finish this sickly rambling thing I've got goin' on here and go prop myself up in a most-likely-warm room with a nice, gorey book. Hurray!

Okay, bye-bye.

:: 2004 9 November :: 1.29pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: "I'll Marry" - The Fantasticks

And, after a brief interlude:
We're script out of hand in rehearsals now, and I'm not doing too bad... thus far. Then again, I do practice every two hours, so there could be a reason why I've not messed up yet.

Miranda told me yesterday that her brother thinks I'm "a funny kid." I take it as a complement, seeing as he graduated last year and I wouldn't expect him to remember me. (Her brother is Kevin, the guy who used to work at Herbergers, the guy who fell asleep on my couch at my sister's graduation party)

Next week is the drama trip (!) I'm so excited... mainly because I can get out of town for a few days. Plus, we're seeing Les Mis. It's one of the bestest Broadways ever, yes?

Ha ha! We started reading Oedipus Rex in English today. Greek stories of incest and such... lovely. Mrs. Stubbs is having us act it out which, considering there are few people who've ever set foot inside a theatre, let alone understand voice influction, that exist in our class, left much to be desired.

Paul's trying to challenge me in band, which is really ok with me, except that play rehearsal has taken over the week... I just feel bad that he has to wait another week just so he can beat me. Yes, I'm really not a good trumpet player, despite what my director thinks.

Stephanie (girl I'm helping around, as she's in crutches right now) fell on her cast pins after band... Apparently her doctor's in Choteau today, so they can't examine it to make sure things are all right. Poor girl already has to be in the cast for three months. I can only hope she'll be fine.

Volleyball is so bloody annoying in gym. It's impossible to find enough people to stick in the same gym class that can actually play a real game of it. Such is the life though, eh?

Oh, I was so happy to see Josh yesterday. He was extremely depressed at the football game last week (like, I could pick up signs of suicide from him). I was worried all weekend that he'd be there on Monday, and thank god he was. It's not a good sign when a kid is checking the obituaries every day for his friends...

:: 2004 7 November :: 8.30pm

I just got back from Target. AFI Retrospective CD, and green cardigan sweater.

My friend is seriously depressed right now. And it's been going on for a while. And I don't know how to help her. It sucks.

:: 2004 6 November :: 4.24am

Dunno if I ever really told everything there was to tell about my parents planned divorce in my fifth grade year. Let's look at what happened.

Fifth grade year, right near the end. I come home from visiting Traci (my old best friend) and they sit me down on the couch. "Ashley," Mom said, while Dad just sat there on the couch looking at the wall or whatever. "You're father and I have decided to get a divorce."

"Okay," was all I pretty much said. Walked into the kitchen and I could hear her say, "It'll hit her later, what's really going on."

I don't think it ever did. Still hasn't, in fact. Mom, Jody, and I moved in with Jamie and Bethany, Asa moved to Florida to his real mom, and Dad lived with Tobey, I guess. I finished my fifth grade year there, at Tatum. I only cried about it once, and that was because the stupid counselors were making a big deal out of it. I did it just to shut them up, I think.

So, the end of fifth grade year. Sometime during the summer, Mom, Jody, and I move into our own little house. Mom and me had to share a bedroom. Jody got his own. Jody worked with Jamie and Pizza Hut and I think Mom worked at a convenience store. I started school at Pine Tree Middle School. Oh man. The math was advanced, English, everything. Three or four homework assignments in each class.

During this time, Dad had found a girlfriend. Barbara was her name. I didn't, and don't, like her. -Shakes head.- It wasn't because it was some weird woman sleeping with my Dad, it was just because.. I just had a bad feeling about her. She was nice enough.. Just.. Eh.

I stayed with my Dad on the weekends. J.J. lived with my Dad. J.J. was my puppy. I loved him so much. Sometimes we'd give him a bath and bring him to the little house in Pine Tree.. Mom was always happy to see JJ.. JJ got smart in that short amount of time, and he was always overjoyed to see me.

I remember near the end of my sixth grade year, Mom went out for a drink with Dad. Things happened and we ended up moving back in with him, in the trailor I currently call home.

And now here we are.

I actually can't remember too much of my sixth grade year except my best friends were named Ashley, Ashley, Shaina, and Shay. (Seriously, Ashley M, and Ashley K. ((I'm Ashley E.)))

I don't know why I wrote all of that.. I just felt like writing something.. Anything.. in here.

Anyway, I'm just going to go lay down. Probably take some more medicine.. Hopefully sleep. I don't really want to do anything this weekend.. nor go anywhere.. Maybe next weekend the people who wanted to come over this weekend will show.

For some reason, I was under the impression that it's 3:37 AM on Sunday.. Odd.

I was wondering why no one had called.

All right.. That's all.. that I can put in here right now anyway.

Good night, or day, or whatever..

I'm beginning to get a headache from thinking, hah.

"Don't think too hard; you'll hurt yourself."

Indeed..

Indeed.

:: 2004 5 November :: 5.48pm
:: Mood: crushed

Clear Hearts
He has a girlfriend. He's had one. He loves her.

My hope just shot through my heart and now it's clogging up the drain.

At least Emily's coming over. That's the only good thing to come out of this whole day. I might not be online for a while due to moving.

4 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 4 November :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Oscar Mayer B-O-L-O-G-N-A

here's a quicky:
In contrast to Tuesday, Wednesday was extremely busy for me... but not much happened of real importance... Except that Bush won.... I guess that's important >:I

We were supposed to finish blocking for the play last night, but things went a bit longer than expected, so we finish tonight. We were interviewed yesterday... School newspaper interviews are always lacking in substance...

!! All people that live here must buy chocolate from me!! Our drama department DESPERATELY needs money.

Levi was back today. He's been in ISS for a while, so I was glad to see him back.

... yeah... rather unimportant update... but I'm in school, and censorship is exercised.

:: 2004 4 November :: 3.34pm

I changed my background. Waheyyy.
Anyway, I'm definetly going to see Deadstar Assembly and the Birthday Massacre on the 14th. We have to buy the tickets at the door, and hopefully we shall get there in time.
Another night at my dad's. Well I don't think there is much else to type about so I'll sign off...out?

:: 2004 2 November :: 1.28pm
:: Mood: uncommited
:: Music: "I Can See It" - The Fantasticks

Time never moves at desired speed.
I've really been wishing today would go by extremely fast... instead I've been given a potluck of empty free time in school.

We had a group discussion in English over Jane Eyre today. It was horrible, simply because she required every person to put in input. Though I understand her desire to incorporate everyone (after all, this was a graded discussion), the group was rather hollow in ideas. Unfortunate, quite.

Stephanie was back from surgery today, so I now have to shuttle her to/ from the first four periods. It would be a grand old time if I didn't have to come up with conversation every time I see her. The time in the elevator is inevitably going to be silent... Speaking of the elevator, I'm afraid it will break down one of the times I'm in it... frightening.

In band, we (luckily) didn't get reamed by Mr. Kellogg today. I greatly feared he would be on us for how crappy the show turned out. Fortunately, he decided to completely ignore the show. (I hear he was bitching on every other period today, though.)

Chemistry was a self-guided review today. We're doing molar conversion factors... fairly easy stuff, honestly, so I had a lot of down time.

Health was horrible, simply because we started our discussion on suicide today. I've had too many experiences relating to that to want to have a discussion with a bunch of prig students.

Spanish (as always) nothing happened at all. What can I say? We're still in first-year review, so it's a pretty straightforward time.

And so we come to now. I have a whole period open to whatever I choose, because people are apparently behind in Computer literacy. It's a bloody easy class, and horrendously slow. So here I sit, updating my journal instead of getting extra credit. Horrible kid am I.

I hope we finish blocking for the play today. It's amazing how much work has been put into it, and yet we've barely started the second act. I could puke. Oh well, fun things will come, such as me being set on fire, or placed in a monkey suit and beaten (again, this is quite a strange play).

:: 2004 1 November :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: inconsequential
:: Music: "Danse Macabre" - Saint-Saens

Discussions with a long-fated traveller
Seeing that I finally finished Jane Eyre and the parents aren't at the house, I figured this would be as good a time as ever to update. Sure it's been forever since this path has been taken, but at least I've taken the time to re-visit it.
Rather than try to recall the last two months of my life, I'll just not do it, and y'all can pretend like I was dead or something during that time period. That's about how I was feeling, anyway.
This year was an immensely fun Halloween (except that Jessimika was grounded... such is the life). Of course, I can't remember too many of my Halloweens, and last year was spent recovering from a surgery. Real tough comparison, eh? Since I spent about three minutes getting my costume together (the majority of my time had actually been spent doing constructive things, such as washing myself, and the like), I ended up going as a psycho with Bugs Bunny for a head and an Elizabethan dagger as my weapon. Originality is duly noted.
We had dinner at Cattin's and (thankfully) they put us in the back of the restaurant. I wouldn't have been able to stand the smoke. Most of my time at Cattins, I was utterly amazed at how convincing of a woman Colton can be (well, minus the hairy arms). Honestly, he could pull it off, I mean, he fooled the folks at the haunted house.
After Cattin's we went to Holiday Village to get in line for their haunted house. Gwen and I agreed to be partners through it, since we are naturally clingy when we get scared. Unfortunately, we were told we had to go single-file, so I had to drag Gwen behind me while the rest of the group practically ran in front of us. The house wasn't really a scary one. I only jumped twice, once because I couldn't move out of the way of one of the guys with a saw, and the other because some guy hit one of the steel barrels extremely hard when it was right behind me. Oh, and the William Shatner mask really bothered me... Halloween the movie...
Then we went off to the Kranz haunted house, but decided not to stay because the line was too long and just about everyone was smoking around us. We drove to my house, where we sat for about thirty minutes, then went trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. It was so hilarious to see people's reaction to a bunch of highschoolers asking for candy.
Oh! I guess I haven't officially announced that I'm in The Fantasticks. Woohoo! My first musical, my first time on stage in a major high school production (I don't consider one-acts all that special), and I get the lead. It's madness, I tell you. "I'll drink and gamble. I'll grow a mustache!" - my favorite line
Rehearsals haven't been too bad, though after two and a half weeks we still haven't finished blocking. Plus we don't have the actual stage built yet (it's an intimate play, so instead of using the auditorium stage, we're building a platform in the pit, one that couldn't be built until after all the fall concerts were finished).The play is absolutely fun... quirky... and definitely a product of the sixties... but amazingly fun.
Excuse me for a second... this mosquito bite on my arm just exploded... I don't know how... but I should probably clean it out...
Well that's slightly painful... and still bleeding... but I live on.
I'm truly, desperately, sappilly looking for a relationship. Though I've found the last three years of singleness quite a content time in my life, I'm restless for something to happen. Probably just a burst of sexual energy... I don't know, but I'm certainly feeling something right now.

:: 2004 31 October :: 6.52pm

The Taking Back Sunday tickets were sold out. Jenny was pissed. But I guess she's ok now. According to Christina.
Girls confuse me. Even though I'm one of them.

:: 2004 29 October :: 6.32pm
:: Music: Castles In The Sky ~ Derb

New Journal Layout.
Song modeled after:

"Castles in the Sky"

Do you ever question your life?
Do you ever wonder why?
Do you ever see in your dreams
All the castles in the sky?

Oh tell me why
Do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why
All the castles way up high
Please tell me why
Do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why
All the castles way up high

That's pretty much the way the song goes. It's a song from this dance party CD.

Someone told me my layout was getting old and I needed color. And I know.. It's bright.

Not sure how long it'll stay like this, but for now, I kind of like it.

I've been listening to Incubus alot lately.

Oh.

It's just now hit me that it's the weekend, which means no school tomorrow, which means I don't have to sit around doing nothing tonight. I might go outside and visit the kittens (then wash my arms and face because of my allergies).

Does this layout look okay? Tell me what you think.

I want your thoughts.

:: 2004 29 October :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: class

silly me
Well, since I've failed to update for three months (?)(!) I'd figure I'd say something here. What a bloody house of ill-repute this journal has become.
Not that I don't want to fill y'all in on all the details right now, but there are only about three minutes left in the period, and I need to log off. I intend to give a really long update this weekend though. Sorry, but this is what a musical does to a schedual. Horrible, eh?

:: 2004 29 October :: 3.50pm

I finally did it. I told her how I felt. She didn't really blow up at me like I expected her too, she just didn't understand where I was coming from.
I tried to explain it to her the best I could. She got in a fight with my other friend today too.
Anyway, tonight should be fun. I'm SO going trick or treating with Amber. Haha. <3

6 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 28 October :: 6.52am

I made my skirt last night. It didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. It's perfectly decent, actually. Even my mother liked it. I had this small fight last night with one of my best friends last night. I was putting it off because I hate fighting with my friends, but if I had said what all I wanted to say to her, we would no longer be speaking right now. And I choose to keep the peace.

:: 2004 27 October :: 2.29pm
:: Music: My Ruin

AND YOU WANT ME LIKE A HURRICANE
Today's just been one of those days. Bleh.

:: 2004 26 October :: 3.14pm
:: Music: Sleater-Kinney

Youth Decay
I got some ADORABLE hot pink with black polka dots fabric yesterday at hobby lobby. I think I'm going to make a skirt out of it. Either that or a purse. Any suggestions?
I also got some stencils so I can make another shirt. I spend so much frickin' money at those places. *shakes fist*
Today I think I'm getting the tickets for the TBS concert. Wahey. Finally.

:: 2004 25 October :: 3.36pm
:: Music: Sleater-Kinney

Heart Attack<3
She's getting on my nerves so bad.