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No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

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JustADreamer

:: 2004 4 July :: 10.35am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Drift Away -Uncle Kracker/Dobie Gray

!
I'm so awake. It's 9:30 AM and I'm awake. Congratulations to meh. I fell asleep while it was nighttime, and woke up a bit after 8:30 AM. Yay.

I had this really vivid dream.. Wow, it was amazing. I remember being SO happy. Happier than I've ever been. It was amazing. There were times I was afraid, annoyed, sad, happy, loved, loving.. It was just an awesome dream.

I want a relationship. No, I mean a real one. Not an online one. And I think I may have a chance for one. Yes. I think I do. I'm scared, nervous, and everything, but at the same time.. I know I love him as a friend, and I know I like him as more than one. And he's HERE. In Texas. No more than 15/20 minutes away, driving-wise. Probably less.

I want to throw away my doubts. SCREW THEM! Why is it so hard for me to believe that there might actually be a guy who loves me as more than just a friend? Why is it so hard for me to believe that this could work out?

Because I'm me. I know how I look. I know how depressed I can get. But still..

I don't know if I really want a relationship. If I'm so ready for one or not. We'll find out someday.

I don't want to be depressed for a while. I want to be happy. Like I was in that dream. I want to cry because I was so happy in that dream. -Snif.- Okay, I -am- crying because I was so happy in that dream. Dangit. I didn't mean it! -Shakes fist.- Darn it. Oh well.

I want to be that happy. I want to go somewhere. Right now. With my friends. I want to GO! Somewhere! Be happy! With my friends!

Unfortunately, it's 9:36 AM now, and they're probably all still asleep, and they're probably all busy today. Oh well..

Maybe Amanda's home!

Oh yeah. It's July 4th.

We don't even have plans. I don't have any plans. This is the first time in a long time I don't have any plans for July 4th. I don't think we're even going to get fireworks this year.. That's sad.. Normally, it's me and Tawney.. Mom, Dad, Jody.. Sometimes Traci..

I feel sad now. Darn it. Oh well. No use dwellin' on the past! <3

I'm going to go do something. Other than sit around on my lazy bum at the computer. Bye-bye! Hope everyone has a lovely July 4th! Ja!
-Ash

help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 3 July :: 1.21pm

horoscope








Cancer - Horoscope for June 28 - July 4


This week is highlighted by a positive difference in your close love relationship.



You are likely to sense a heightened state of expression and feeling coming from your mate or loved one.



The emotions you feel now may lead you on a new path of discovery, specifically with regard to your attitude toward intimacy, love, and companionship.



If you are currently unattached, you might draw others to you now who reawaken some of your deeper feelings and memories with respect to love and previous relationships.



The love and guidance you receive from others can help squelch any fears or anxieties which hold you back from accepting love and affection.



This horoscope provided by Astrology Source.
Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers.




Get your free blog ready horoscope for this week at Blogthings.


The only truth in this horoscope is that I still am wary on love. There has been no comfort over the issue.

help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 3 July :: 12.54pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "Maple Leaf Rag" - Scott Joplin

Advancements in personal lifestyle
I really intended to update on Wednesday, but the huge-ass storm that came through on Tuesday (I don't know what it was like for you folks, but it was quite spectacular here) and screwed up our cable connection. The service man originally wasn't going to come in until July 12, but apparently he was feeling generous (or extremely underbooked) and came in last night.
The big news from Wednesday: I passed my driving test with only one minor (turned too sharply while backing into a dirt-turned-mud road and couldn't back up any further because of the condition of the ground). But, as is standard with Mr. O'Hara, I was told the one month or ten hours, whichever occurs first, of practice with parents should happen. Well, seeing that I can't get my license until I'm fifteen, which is precisely one week from today, I have to practice anyway. The other delay is, the Tenth is a Saturday, I'm leaving on the Sunday following for a week, and not getting back until the next Saturday. So, it will be at least another two weeks before I can go to the DMV to receive my license.
I've been watching Wimbolden for the sole purpose of watching Andy Roddick run around the court :P. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the result of the semi-final match.
Thursday:
Bought the Jamie Cullum CD to expand my relatively small jazz world. I don't know how I missed Michelle at the mall because I'm sure I was there at the same time as her. Also while I was there I bought the original Tony Hawk Pro Skater for a whole $3.00. Outdated gaming is extremely cheap. Unfortunately I don't have any controller paks for my N64, which is required to save a game on THPS (something that I was aware of, but had not the money to spend... a whole $5.00 more), so I tend to spend about two hours at a time on the game, realize I'm beginning to go cross-eyed, and decide it would be good to end my run.
Also Thursday I had an AYSO game (in the event that you don't know, Jimmy, AYSO is much less organized in Montana than in California).... Yeah, we won, but that's because we have people that have played club and high school league. Then I went off to Patriot Marching Band practice. We're going to look horrible, as always. Middle schoolers don't have the right attention span and discipline to learn how to march in two days, and since they make up the majority of the band (because most high schoolers are aware that this band sucks to be in.... I felt like doing civic duty for once and helping the poor children) there is little form to the band. It's a good way to build patience. I had both a band director and some kid who marches behind me tell me that I was off from the rest of the line, when in fact, I was the only person in my line to keep four-step spacing, while the rest tend to march up the ass of the person in front of them. Whatever. I know high school band is less stressful.
My parents have been out car shopping with my sister. I still don't understand the logic of this. She's going to Ashland, Oregon, for schooling. Well, USO is more than half of the town. She can walk from one end of the town to the other without breaking a sweat. But she's going to get a new car while I'm stuck driving my parents vehicles. A Windstar and an Intrepid.... They've got too much space for a high schooler. But my sister has to have something for the road. Their money, not mine.
I've been thinking about actually having a party, seeing that my birthday will fall when I'm in town for once. Actually, it has been for two years already, but for one we were painting the living room, and the other was when my dad developed kidney stones... Not the best time for a social gathering. It almost feels wrong to do something... It's not in my nature.
Cameron's doing well in BMX right now. I haven't had a chance to talk to him, but I've followed him in the paper.

1 worthless word | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 3 July :: 1.33pm

Well my friend Christina is over here, we're just sitting here. I'm allowed on the computer again as you can see. We're going to be going to my aunt's wedding in a few and I get to wear her kickass top. <333 Talk to you all later.

help me


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2004 2 July :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: irritated

I have picked a place to go hiking at...crystal lake....its got some cool stories surrounding it...AND there are some ice caves around there..we prlly wont hike to them...but yeah..so it should be cool....so far its only jessika and i and ...roxan..lol...but yeah.


Im kinda agetated...by everything today.

help me


JustADreamer

:: 2004 2 July :: 7.02am
:: Mood: lonely

..forgive me if I take you for granted..
You know.. I'm not normally "lonely" like a depressing type of lonely. I'm normally glad to be alone.. Though I'm normally online and there are people there.. So would it be that I'm not really lonely? I was when the phone line was dead. I had no way to talk to anyone but my parents. It was so depressing.

..Forgive me if I take you for granted..

._.

I don't know what I was expecting..

But..

I think I wanted a relationship..

Not just a "won't bring it up for a while" and "I understand"..

But then again..

I think I'm wanting a person who only exists in my dreams?

Blah. Dreams make everything so complicated..

Ah well..

Maybe dreams can come true..

Do you think so?

1 worthless word | help me


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2004 1 July :: 11.50pm

Im going on a hike...wanna come?

2 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 30 June :: 4.22pm

Well I won't be able to be online for two days. I'll talk to you all later. <33

1 worthless word | help me


JustADreamer

:: 2004 30 June :: 4.23am
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: In Da Club -50 Cent [It's on tv -_-]

.........
WHY can everyone see my Friends Only entries?!

-Thrashes about wildly.- THAT'S WHY THEY'RE FRIENDS ONLY! !(&)&(!_@#&%)_!*(@$

EEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAH! -Flips out and poofs.-
-Ash

1 worthless word | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 29 June :: 6.10am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: DSI

DropDeadGorgeousProzacAddicted
My Dope Stars Inc. CD finally came yesterday. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. <333
I suggest you all check them out. Now. =P
www.dopestarsinc.com HOP TO IT, y0.
Hot damn I love this band.

1 worthless word | help me


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2004 28 June :: 11.00pm

Well...today....consisted of me...jotting...things down on a peice of paper...insignificant things....and it was amusing...till i realized..how much time i was wasting.

Why?

My thoughts keep drifting back to Mikki...and dont want them to.I still cannot grasp someone like her being gone. It easy enough to say but my mind.....my mind dosenty understand...i as a person understand..but my mind will not except.It will not except the fact that someone ive know most my life is gone. Ashes. Bones discarded...the flesh melting...hair disinigrating...leaving a bare chared skeleton....or they also burned that...blood boiling....fat sizzling...organs exploding from heat...what was left of her brain..becming ash...but before then melting..then ....then all thats left..is ashes....inside an innsinerator. And the mind...gone ...soul...gone...just ashes...the chell of another teen who couldnt take the heat...but ironicaly..burned...and kept.

*blank stare at computer screen*

The world continues to amuse me....the other day someone talked of world peace...but unfortunatly...no country is willing to look past its nose..and notice that all the damnage they are causing is for nother. The people dieing in combat for either side is for nothing. Deaths in vain. Welcome to earth planet of the moron leaders..and the people ,like buffalow..follow the leader over the cliff to oblivion....crashing upon the rocks...bones breaking...screams are heard...but thats the sacrifice...the sacrifice of people who didnt need to die.

My thoughts dwell on death today...if had not already been noticed.

My parents continue to ask whats wrong with me....tell me everything i think is wrong..and i shouldnt follow what i believe in. Be what they want me to be. Im tired. Im bored. And i cant stand ....anything.

Latley the slightest things have been setting me on edge...for like the past 2 weeks. But there are cirtain people who have not set me off...and i dont think they will. But i cannot breath. This house...these people are suffocating me.

I have learned something interesting in the past few days. What one thinks is good....actually...what one thinks is real....is only defined by the thought of existance. So the world will go nowhere. Because peace is not reall to them , progression is the only thing that exists....because happiness is compromised...for power...money....how much you can collect before you die...because you wish to fill a void...that only exists to you...so no one ese can see it...and people sit there silently trying to fix something that exists to no one else except yourself...so they dont understand...and that void becomes larger....so you collect...i dosent metter what you collect its that you collect...broken hearts...alcohol....snide remarks....books....food...places...people.....tears...screams...money....corperations.....it dosent matter cause we will all die...then nothing will matter.

That all may seem one sided but hey...the theory is only real to me because it exists in my mind.much like your void.We all have one...wheather or not we admit it...we all know we have something that needs filling..but cant find the right thing to fill it...and we collect...searching for an answer....



What. What what what.I am part of a species...that is doomed to a demise created by its self.
that just makes you feel so warm inside.

Lost in an endless sea ,under an endless sky.
I find comfort in the smallest thing....unseen by the naked eye.
The destruction of me.
My type of insanity.
Not contagious in the least.
But that is why.
I am lost in an endless sea ,under an endless sky.

Heh...i took me until yesterday to actually understand anything i just typed...but my internet was down so i was unable to update my reasoning on life.

2 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 28 June :: 3.43pm

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

(In the paper the next day):

A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

If there's anyone you love this much on here, re-post this.

help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: "Sweet Things" - BallyRag

sex is the lesser enemy
So I've reached another growing season with my thoughts. Damn trees don't grow the same fruit, and I'm stuck with random feelings and detached nature from my lack of consistancy. Not to mention thoughts spoil quickly. Much like a poetic statement. Not only does it have to be written in a short amount of time or it will mutate and become unstable, but it holds little weight after existing for a few days.
Sex is not the enemy, but it certainly gets in the way. I can't stand when I'm in someone's way and I certainly can't stand to be in someone's way, therefore I try to not be in anyone's way... unfortunately they do not do so for me.
So la ti do.

Tea, a drink with jam and bread. No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late. And a very merry unbirthday to you. And likewise, a very unmerry birthday, as all must be in balance.

Balance. That fucking control over all things small and large, the one thing I've come to associate Schylar with. For all the crap she's ever gone through, she's found something good to hold on to, and that one good thing keeps balance. Life on the edge of a knife blade, go one way or the other, and you fall. The breaking of the fellowship. The building of an army. We are not young here, we just choose to be. Our lives are determined by our own paths that may or may not be lain out before us. Let's just walk through the grass then, and make our own path. Oh, no, I'd hate to disrespect that damned grass.

Let's try this from a different perspective.

How
Do
Things
Work
In
Poetry?

Any thing can be poetic
If you know the way to form it.
This is not poetry, rather
A visual presentation of
My mind in motion and




space.






Sometimes I'd like to know what's going on. Sometimes I feel my life in my own hands and realize that my hands are no longer attached, or my control is not, at least. Then I see as things dissolve as I slide away into the pool below me, watching my life mingle in the netherworld we've created.

A funny thing, the line between life and death. Maybe dead people have simply decided to take a peaceful approach on life. Everything will attack them but they will do nothing back. Time takes full venegence. They never truly die, just become a piece of the background, not wanting to participate any longer.
Of course, when we ask to die, we most often live to tell of it.
Cruel cruel fate, to be given the contradiction of our wishes.
Maybe some reverse psychology? No. We don't work with human minds, but whatever gives us our contradicting power works with our minds. It's a game, a beautiful fucking game that we cannot live on. Cannot die on.
And it's all an illusion, be it what I've said, written, spoken, or thought.

Because all I do is pick fruit from my garden. And all it does is rot in realistic air. All I can see is what's been placed before me by some force that will always be greater than me. I can be no vixen, one because I'm male, two because I cannot achieve superiority to this force.

And sex is the lesser enemy. We can choose to give life or to take it. We cannot choose to be given life. And that indeterminate thing is our downfall. Our want for more.





A labyrinth works to lead it's users in an intended
path that might lead to distruction
but the path will go only as far as the follower
follows. Therefore a lab- yrinth holds no power
beyond the user. The creation holds little
beyond the created. the created chooses

to split or end a path altogether.



And so I eat what I can find of this gorgeous fruit, growing in it's own season, and I enjoy and fear each harvest knowing I might learn something.








Such is the way of the tree of knowledge.

help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 27 June :: 10.32am

The Lovecats
I'M GOING TO SEE THE CURE AUGUST 3RD!!!
<33333
I can't wait.

Read more..

4 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 27 June :: 6.59am
:: Music: "Dark of the Matinee" - Franz Ferdinand

Take your white finger...slide the nail under...the top and bottom buttons of...my blazer...
I have this humongus sore on my head. Ouch.

I'm sure you all wanted to know that.

You should all go buy the Franz Ferdinand CD. It's fucking amazing. <333

1 worthless word | help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 26 June :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: The Cardigans

the song... yes, THE song
Well, I told you all a while ago that I try to write something for each of my journal titles. Well, this is my first try at the lyrics to the song I'm writing for my journal title right now. Call it a soft rock ballad. Really soft rock. More like a cry for help, I'd say.


And every one of these decisions seems to take a little more of me away.
And every one of these sweet things, pleasures, treasures, all will soon be gone.
So here I stand, a man unchanged, but yet a man deserted;
A man of clay, hollow and unmoving.
And so today, I seek the sun's last rays.


Comment, flame, whatever you want about it.

help me


JustADreamer

:: 2004 26 June :: 7.06am

Friends Only [Edit]
Friends Only

If you'd like to be added to my friends list, simply do the following and, most likely, you shall be added. [-Doesn't expect many wanting to be added.-]

1.)Comment.
2.)Add me.

Sorry anyone who doesn't have a woohu journal and wants to read this.. Get a xanga or something. I have one of those as well. <3 Bye-bye.
-Ash

[Edit]
Most of my more personal entries, dealing with people and most of my angry/depressed entries are friends only.
I don't know if this happens to everyone else or not, but for me to see other people's friends only entries, I have to go to their journal. I can't see them on my friends page..
Ja.
-Ash
[/Edit]

4 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 24 June :: 10.59am

A new (fuzzy) pic.

I love you all.

2 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 24 June :: 5.46am
:: Music: "Pulse of the Maggots" - Slipknot

Worst night.
Last night was terrible.
I had some of the worst dreams I have ever had all packed up into one. Well, they were more like a series, but anyway. First off, I had a dream where all my dogs were nailed to this cross type thing, and then I had a dream in which my mom was beat up by her ex boyfriend and she was pregnant, and found out she was going to die. He killed her as well. Then as my last one I had my reoccuring dream, in which IT (the clown haha) chases me in my grandpa's house starting in the shower, and then it ends in the bedroom in the back in which he stabs me to death. I woke up at 2 a.m. in a cold sweat, and there was no way in hell I was going back to sleep. I'm still not. It's coffee for me, and this computer. Well, I hope you're all sleeping peacefully at least.
Oh yeah, my Murderdolls shirt came yesterday too. I'm wearing it right now. ^_^ Tis bootiful.

help me


DarkSwordDancer

:: 2004 22 June :: 11.59pm
:: Music: people in my head

Yes...so...i have a sun burn...on my shoulders and boob tops....go figure...*twitch*...

Um ok Nicko ,Jessika and Gwen are all invite to my house on the 25th from 7-10 for roxys going away/b-day party!!!!!!!yay!!!!

Well today once again...my mouth got me in trouble with a friend......Justin...cause he,in all of his ego, could not find the intellegence to answer a simple question..so he is pissed..at..me.....once again....




I went over to Marissas house today and played bonko with a bunch of people i dont know.....and it was then funnest thing i have EVER played!!!!You guys prolly wouldnt be interested....yeah...no many people are.....but it includes dice...and thingys...and prizes...goood prizes...but it includes 12 people...yeah

Well....i feel like a bitch.......dont ask why just except the fact......i need to get out of this house.

2 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 21 June :: 10.18pm

KING'S ISLAND MAKES ME SMOKE.
I went to King's Island today with Lisa and we chainsmoked the whole way. =(
And NEVER join the JadeXCore board. Uptight bitches. Nuff said. That is all. Short update because my mom is nagging at me to get off.

6 worthless words | help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 21 June :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Vh1

irrationality
Alright. I have no idea how we got onto this conversation, but my mom told me that she (and apparently many other teachers) don't like when I walk accross the school grass. Now, I understand that some people are very anal retentive, but they can exercise this at their own household. I don't believe I show any disrespect by walking across grass. Grass grows just fine after someone walks on it, yes? But apparently I'm saying, "I hate this school" whenever I walk across that damned grass. Welp, I hate that this school thinks I hate it, and I certainly think the administration should lighten up and give its grass fields some use. Now excuse me, but I need to go disrespect my house now.

help me


silversoldier

:: 2004 20 June :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: sufficient
:: Music: "The World Is Not Enough" - Garbage

bleha!


How to make a silversoldier
Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

3 parts self-sufficiency

3 parts instinct
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy!



Username:


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com



Yes, I would say that this is a much better formula for me than my livejournal username... but hey! who knows. Maybe I am a jealous horny bastard. I've been known to have split actions... so it's possible.

Anyway, I'm studying for the TELL test (we take on Tuesday)... A lot of it is common sense, but I'm getting the sense that I'm going to fail, which is quite common with the other children in class. We start parallel parking in the next lesson.

I have a lot of new pieces to play in piano, and I have next to nothing to play on trumpet. I guess I'll do the 4th of July parade patriot band... not that it's worth much. Our high school band can do better, which doesn't say much. Since it's a combined effort though, I might get to see some old friends and enemies again.

I was doing kareoke last night, along with the polka, fox trot, line dancing, and playing with a huge frisbee (like, 3ft. diameter). Crazy party, let me tell you. Out in the country by Wolf Creek, where no one would care if we burnt down the cabin ... except for the owners, I guess.

2 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 18 June :: 9.22pm

OH MY GOD I HATE BOYS.
That boy that supposedly liked me "SO WELL" and "SO MUCH" is just using me as a title. He told my friend that he didn't really like me at all and that he just wanted to go out with me so he could tell his friends he "has a girlfriend."

I hate him.

5 worthless words | help me


blacktears844

:: 2004 18 June :: 9.17pm

He is fucking hot.
Read more..

Grace Khold. <333

3 worthless words | help me

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