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No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 10 December :: 2.12am

Current Plan
Disappear somewhere around June, set up a new life somewhere out east or in california, let everyone know where I went about six months after that.

help me


darksworddancer

:: 2008 4 December :: 1.20am

Issues
I have jealousy issues.

really bad ones. and that scares me.

like...that was bad. it was so insignificant and i wanted to yell at him for it. THATS SO BAD. omg

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darksworddancer

:: 2008 2 December :: 3.05am
:: Music: That Girl- Lindsay Lohan

Stages
Stage 1: I don't like my body.
Plan 1: Deal with it.- Epic Fail

Stage 2: They don't like my body.
Plan 2: They suck and don't m,atter- WRONG

Stage 3: My body holds me back from doing what I want.
Plan 3:Condition it to deal. Not so much a fail but not quite a sucess.

Stage 4: My body imprisons me and i hate it.
Plan 4. Learn to love yourself and the world will follow. EPIC FAIL and you need to get help.

Stage 5: My body is a prison with no doors or windows. (Current)
Plan 5: BUST A FUCKING HOLE IN THE WALL. - Amazingly enough i will make this one work.


My body is something i've battled for many a year and this time i will win against myself. Even if it kills me i will lose my weight.

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 26 November :: 2.23pm

So excited for thanksgiving.

Food and people, people who will compliment my excellent cooking...yaay.

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darksworddancer

:: 2008 21 November :: 3.27pm

count down
Ha...i keep comming back here...waiting for someone to have read the last entry..and to leave me. cause i am self destructive right now....go figure.

1 worthless word | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 26 October :: 1.35am

I feel so alive! woooo

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 13 October :: 5.41pm

Yay, getting drunk tomorrow, I love alcohol.

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darksworddancer

:: 2008 10 October :: 11.58am

Worst 50 in of my life
We talked about jainism in rels class today- they believe the fatter you are the more karma you have and you will go to hell- some girl said my name behind me and grjsafshfnj. bitch and i couldnt leave- i could barely breat for christs sake- omg piss me off and make me want to cry- my proffessor wouldnt even look at me while she was talking about it -akward FUCKING AKWARD thanks so much as if i didnt need that to be my day- im so pissed holy hell im done with it shut the fuck up and get over it- that dumm girl behind me- on fire right now.

I thought i was over that but apparently not.

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darksworddancer

:: 2008 5 October :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Congratulations-Blue October

My heart
So life has changed...and its strange....i went and read some past entries in jessika's and nick's journal...it was like a blast frm te past.

My only thoughts right now are the tones playing from my laptop, bombarding m with unknown emotions and unanswerd questions....i doubt with of them ever read this but i want to tell them both something: you are so easy to be friends with and i thank you for that.

Thats all that needs to be said i think. College has really changed me, and i have come to see the light in somethings. I have developed amazing relationships with the people around me, and others have crumbled to ruin...some even to dust. SOME still stand strong and bright.

Everything is OK. I'm no longer the angry little girl from previous entries. I still feed off of peoples emotions but in a different way now, i still have crazy and vivid dreams but im not the girl trapped on the glowing screen anymore.

I am on the path to myself and thats all i ever really needed i think. I didnt need a boy. I didnt need a lack of chaos.

I just needed to be happy with myself and most days i am now. 19 years old now, quickly approaching 20, in college, financily unstable still. I love to shop to much.

I keep a book of thoughts now. Its my life saver actually.

Hmm how much can change? everthing and nothing.

help me


justadreamer

:: 2008 19 September :: 1.24am
:: Mood: sick

Currently sick. Still working for at&t.

Hurricane Ike was rather bothersome; power was out for a few days. Got eaten alive by mosquitoes. Not cool. I think the bites are starting to fade now.

Being sick makes me think too much. Also, it makes me inclined to be far too impulsive. After all, life is too short when you're looking at it from the viewpoint of someone not feeling well. It makes me want to just save up as much money possible and find a way to start that long-term era of being with that boy.

It makes me feel like there's absolutely no reason to be so cautious with life -- like I shouldn't bother with doing things "the right way" (by others' standards) or anything like that. Like I should be doing what I want, what I feel is right.

Now... that's a very dangerous mindset. I'm sure it'll fade a wee bit once I'm healthy again, but it's always there, honestly. When not sick, it's easier to think more.. clearly, I guess you'd say. Rationally. Responsibly. Like I should be thinking. :P

Anyhow. Just a short public update.

Off to possibly snack then rest/sleep.
-Ash

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 23 August :: 11.10am

I hate you.

2 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.50am

Thank god Joe broke the clippers, I had an uncontrollable urge to shave all the hair off my head, but I've done my scalp using a razor before, it's too annoying with hair longer than stubble, so my eyebrows and hair remains intact, just did normal shave.

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.23am

I'm so depressed right now, I just want to find a comfortable hole to go crawl into and die.

1 worthless word | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 6 August :: 6.01pm

Julius is now a disabled war veteran.
=(

2 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 27 July :: 3.13am

So, everything is transient and meaningless, there's no point to life, yet I think I'll stick around a bit yet.

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 4 June :: 11.19pm

I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.

Crap.

3 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

1 worthless word | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

4 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37pm

Pictures from last weekend.

http://a869.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/14/l_0c889f09cbb764ad8e6f3686a14e3614.jpg
Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder

http://a890.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/115/l_32ec4e129fbafb86a828fadc11da2e31.jpg
A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground

http://a774.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/18/l_b3ba47be0c5fa7a188cec28952700905.jpg
Different angle, same bubble

http://a11.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/68/l_5d78c932a221c654c0f69ed523951192.jpg
Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke

http://a209.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/44/l_080964d7240de67092ad996302501af0.jpg
Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.

help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 21 April :: 10.06pm

Well, 'twas a nice weekend
I went over to Brenan's house around 1:30ish on Friday, turns out he's rooming with Albert and Jake, which is nice because they're both cool guys that I get along with well.

So we hang out and play video games and shit, after a while of this their neighbor Wes comes over and suggests the idea of partying it up, so we're all like "hellz yeah", so that's how it came about that I'd be staying late there.

So after Wes leaves Sarah shows up and then Albert, Jake and Brenan all leave for different reasons, leaving us alone, I'm still a little awkward around her, it's been a few years now, but I dunno, still in the realm of awkward, so we just looked at some art books and ate popcorn while waiting on them.

After a while of that Brenan and Jake came back and brought Wes with them, so then Jake, Wes and I walked over to the Shell station so Wes could go in and buy a bunch of High Gravity (Horrible, low quality, high alcohol beer) and have us carry it back.

So the rest of that night was basically just being drunk, had a few kinda awkward moments, but overall it was a nice night of drinking, lots of people came and went.

Woke up saturday around noon and watched a few tv shows with brenan and jake, then brenan suggested going to the park to check out the Earth Day festivities, so we walked over there and found out it was just stupid hippies being stupid hippies, so we walked around riverfront for a while, then walked over to Value Village so Brenan could buy pants, he ended up buying like, no normal pants I'm pretty sure, but he got a suit jacket and a full set of scrubs, so we got back to their apartment and I took a shower and they ordered pizza while I was in there.

So, a bit after the pizza shows up, Alex shows up and we're like "Woo, Alex", because he's a fun guy, and he notices Jake's hookah and suggests we buy some shishah and coals, so we walk over to the smoke shop by the plaza to get those, and then get back to the house and smoke copious amounts of hookah, it was pretty fun, we were dipping a piece of vacuum cleaner tube into some soapy water and blowing smoke-filled bubbles, which bounced on the floor and would then sit on it as perfect spheres for a bit before exploding into a perfect ring of smoke, it was really pretty.

After a while of that Alex left, and then Jesse and a couple of her friends showed up and put some marijuana in the hookah, I honestly didn't feel anything from it, but Jesse and her friends were pretty high, so I took that chance to give Jesse an existential crisis by explaining nihilism as the only truth in the universe while she was totally stoned out of her mind.

So after they left Wes came down and smoked some Hookah with us, then we all drifted off to bed.

Then Sunday, Jake, Alex and myself basically just smoked hookah the whole god damn day, we hotboxed the kitchen at one point.

And then today I came home a few hours after waking up, yay.

2 worthless words | help me


poisonedheart

:: 2008 7 April :: 9.45am

"Piazza, New York Catcher"


Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may

I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960 style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

help me


littledamion

:: 2008 30 March :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Goldfrapp *Eat yourself

Zoom zoom zoom
So we've zoomed to the future.

Gosh, I've changed. Not so bitchy and volatile and rambly, I think. I hope.

I just won the Gates Millennium Scholarship. I've been accepted into Saint Mary's of Moraga, Boston University, Boston College, and I'm waiting on Tufts and Harvard.

Things have really changed. I want to lock up this journal, but Woohu doesn't make that easy. I remember when Woohu almost shut down, they offered to print your journal and send you it... that would be nice right now. I want to remember how I've changed, but I don't want these entries to haunt me if and when people I know stumble upon them.

UPDATE: I just went back and turned about a hundred or so entries to "Friends Only"

help me


justadreamer

:: 2008 1 March :: 9.42am

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Repeat.

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 12 February :: 10.26pm

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/1162/1202249698863uc2.jpg

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poisonedheart

:: 2008 11 February :: 8.32pm

"Broken Heart"

I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside

I'll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me

But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

help me

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