No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

:: 2008 28 January :: 7.33pm

Well fuck you too bitch.

:: 2008 27 January :: 12.06am

Dealing with other people is too painful sometimes...I think I'm gonna be reclusive for a while...bye.

:: 2008 23 January :: 10.29pm

I think I'm a bad friend.

Every time I talk to somebody from LC since dropping out, they're always saying they miss me, everyone's talking about how they miss me, and everyone else misses me, it's like a giant "we miss nathan"-fest in the japanese room during lunch these days apparently.

And deep down I really don't care, to be honest the only person I've even noticed the absence of in my life is chen chen, I feel sad I don't get to see her every morning, she always brightened my day, but everyone else just doesn't really matter I guess.

Maybe I'm just finally becoming detached like I've always wanted to be.

:: 2008 10 January :: 6.08pm

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change...

:: 2007 20 December :: 12.49am

Sometimes I wish I could fastforward my life.

Skip past all the bullshit of the rest of high school and college, skip right to the part where I leave this town behind forever.

:: 2007 13 December :: 9.50pm

A poem about woohu, written after reading people's old entries

These old journal entries

They read like a back catalogue
of our sorrows

Looking back on so much pain, it hurts

Yet we go on
And live each of our days

So much anguish we have felt, it hurts

Day by day we forget past torments
but if we look back, the pain still haunts us

Our lives are ever changing
Ever constant, ever painful, ever blissful

And the pain we feel each of our days

It gets swallowed up
With the joy of a new dawn

Yet the pain remains
These pages remain

We still hurt
We still heal

:: 2007 26 November :: 8.57pm

Life is changing lately, and I think I'm happy about it.

Jen's stopped being so emotionally dependent on me, which is really good, hell, I've barely even talked to her in the last few weeks, been spending most of my free time hanging out with Chen Chen or Jason.

I've become more confident in myself lately, something I've always been bad about, I always used to think I couldn't do anything right, but that's all changing.

Still a little depressed due to my total lack of any sort of love-life, but meh, I'm used to that.

Overall though, life is looking up.

justadreamer

:: 2007 21 November :: 12.19am

Quote from Grey's Anatomy.
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.

I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.

:: 2007 9 November :: 9.00pm

I was blonde as a child.

:: 2007 8 November :: 10.02pm

I wish she'd get out of that relationship, no matter how much she says it makes her happy, it's making her worse day by day, and she's just being used, and deep down she knows that.

:: 2007 30 October :: 7.38pm

"If The Brakeman Turns My Way" - Bright Eyes

When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the Brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence but it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, Oh Babylon, with merry Middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes from those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child then the other way around
The Scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the Brakeman turns my way

It is an old world it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed up tea leaves
Phantom Pain
Fuzzy logic in the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the Brakeman turns my way
Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the Brakeman turns my way

:: 2007 27 October :: 8.05pm

Well, so closes that chapter of my life I guess, it's just two years down the drain.

:: 2007 25 October :: 10.25pm

justadreamer

:: 2007 25 October :: 2.18pm

for the record

being told that I'm

obsessive

and that

I should stop thinking about things

does not help.

:: 2007 21 October :: 9.33pm

Ha, summary of why women suck 99.9% of the time.

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

5 worthless words | help me

:: 2007 10 October :: 5.37pm

Julia wants me to smoke some salvia with her this weekend, she said she'll buy a gram if she gets the chance, I think I'll just go ahead and try it, I mean, it's legal and has no long term effects, so why the fuck not?

:: 2007 7 October :: 8.13am

So, I'm just the medicine
You take when you're sick
You get well and that's it
I'm put back on the shelf in your mirror
And it isn't exceptional
The course of our fate
So, people love and they hate
And I guess it's just our turn to hate
Yeah, you were just some song I wrote
A poem on a page
A sculpture I made out of clay
Desire was the flame
But now you're more of a basketball
Boys just pass you around
They bounce you hard on the ground and dribble
And then we all get high fives
And you think I'm an asshole now
Well, you're probably right
But at least I'm not blind to the facts
I've been wishing were lies
But still I hope you get everything
That you care to possess
And unbelievable sex with him
Or any one of my friends
But just don't ask about my appetite
I didn't lose it tonight
No, it's been gone half my life
It's just act, I've been eating for you

:: 2007 6 October :: 10.19am

Ya know, I'd be a completely different person today if I had never joined this website.

I never would've met Lauren.
Never would've been invited to SpokLAN by Lauren.
Never would've become friends with Julius and later Jen at SpokLAN
Never would've become friends with ANYONE from SpokLAN for that matter.
Probably never would've taken Japanese without Jen's influence, meaning I'd have a completely different plan for my future.
So yeah, in the end, this website has changed my life immensely.

:: 2007 6 October :: 9.42am

This is why I fucking hate getting close to people, all that ever happens is that you get hurt, you should never invest your emotions in anyone but yourself, because they'll just treat your feelings like a toy, and toys always end up broken.

:: 2007 6 October :: 8.37am

I see why they call it a broken heart, it actually hurts, it feels like someone just reached in there and squeezed my heart until it popped.

It's just so hard knowing that your biggest reason for waking up in the morning doesn't even seem to give a shit about how her actions make you feel.

:: 2007 25 September :: 7.37pm

I did painful things today....

justadreamer

:: 2007 23 September :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: annoyed

Sometimes I get really frustrated with everything. Times like this, I really, really want to get away from absolutely everything. Away from the dogs barking while I'm trying to do homework at night, away from Mom's coughing, away from Dad stomping up and down the hall and slamming drawers in the kitchen, away from the incessant squeaking of the dog toys, and away from just all the noise.

I can't concentrate. I cannot figure out this homework problem. I can't do anything but hear everything. Putting on headphones and turning up music to the point that I can't hear anything but music (but not to the point where it becomes static) is the only thing I can do to block out the noise. Maybe that's why my hearing is getting worse, but I can't really do anything about that. I cannot deal with all this noise any other way.

At night, when trying to sleep, it's the same.

I think I'll just go to bed now and hope my concentration skills improve with sleep. I'll get to school early and work in my car or something.

Autumn Equinox. First day of fall. I was relatively happy all day. I'm just really easily frustrated tonight.

:: 2007 19 September :: 11.25pm

I should try forming a serious relationship, everyone else does it these days, I should too.

:: 2007 16 September :: 9.01pm

"I Won't Ever Be Happy Again"

Well morning came
And it dressed the sky
In a lovely yellow gown
Now the shops they are
All opening
In that narrow hallway of downtown
Filled with people who
Are shopping for
Their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again
Well a forest fenced
becomes backyards
Like songs are born from sound
And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground
So here we go
But there ain't no escape
Yeah, these streets they're just dead ends
So I won't ever be happy again
Well, it seems you too
See a painful blue
When you stare into the sky
You could never understand
The motion of a hand waving you goodbye
"Bye bye"
But as the story goes
or it is often told
A new day will arise
And all the dance halls will
Be full of skeletons
That are coming back to life
And on a grassy hill
the lion will
lay down with the lamb
And I won't ever be lonely again
No, no, no, no, no
But until that time
I think I had better find
some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again

:: 2007 11 September :: 11.01pm

Sometimes I want to just leave.

Not even tell anybody, just go to the bus station early one morning, but a ticket to somewhere far away, and never come back.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a job, I'm just impetuous enough to do it one of these days.