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2004 30 April :: 10.53 pm
It's raining and when I taste the wine it only reminds me of your sweet kiss. I miss you.
Well well well, just sitting here, shootin the shit with mitch. fun stuff.
So I snuck outta the house to go see andrew tonight. I only got to see him for like, 45 minutes, but it was all worth the risk. He can take away all the stress whenever I'm around him, and lately, ive had a lot. He's so great, I love him so much. And I know we're going to be together, no matter what. As for prom, i still miss it, but i think the wine has dulled the pain a bit. I think a lot of it is knowing that stupid bitch taylor gets to go before i do. ick. dont care for her too much. but w/e, im gonna talk later. it's sleepy time. Je t'aime.
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2004 30 April :: 5.59 pm
:: Mood: depressed
I'm watching the movie "Timeline", trying to make the best of the worst situation, but all I can think of the whole time I'm watching is what everybody else is doing.
So right now, everybody is going out to dinner, laughing, joking, looking fricken awesome, and I'm sitting here; In a t-shirt and pj pants. Huh.
Before I thought it wouldn't bother me that much, but I guess I missjudged myself once more. Nothing new. To intensify this loser of a feeling, is knowing that Andrew is probably sitting at home, feeling the same way as me. I feel soooo left out and estranged right now, it's pathetic. *groans* I wish i could go to prom. So bad. For the past week I've been sitting there, listening to all the cool places people are going to eat at, listening to them describe what they're going to wear, displaying their beautiful nails. Gah. I just want this night to be over with, and I want the whole next week to be gone, too, because I know that's all people will be talking about, is how awesome prom was. Fuck that, I'm out. More complaining later.
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2004 30 April :: 10.28 am
:: Mood: unhappy
Half day today, wooooo! im excited. not really, cuz im not going to prom, so I'm prolly just gonna go home, sulk, eat mac and cheese and watch soap operas. heh. Yeah, for all of you that don't know and keep asking me everyday, i'm not goin cuz im grounded. and i wont tell why either. Capite? Good. The only thing that did make my day is that I got to see amanda and the little one!! AHHH! That thing is gonna be sooo cute! I can't wait!! Ahhh..ok, happy time is over. Maybe I'll write again today, but there's only 5 minutes of class left now, and a McDonalds hot fudge sunday is calling my name.
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2004 28 April :: 8.14 pm
:: Music: Saturate Me-Mandy Moore
If there is a word in the English language to describe the way I feel right now, I haven't come across it yet
So, I really haven't wrote in this in a while...that should tell you how busy I've been. I'm forewarning you, this is going to be as whiney as it gets. Sorry, but everybody has to do it sometimes.
The whole thing with my uncle has turned out to be a very bad thing. I'm the treasurer for the defense fund, which is cool to be able to be involved, but sad b/c of the purpose. I hope we can get through this whole thing. It's put a lot of stress on the family, and I've pretended to be cool the whole time. Honestly, I've been screaming for someone to let me talk to THEM about it. My mom freaked out and went up north last weekend, and left me here, to deal with all this shit myself. Greaaat. Way to be, mom.
Then there's the whole me and andrew problem. We're just fine, it's actually our parental units. So we're both grounded right now, and not going to prom. Me more so than him, though. I'm grounded for a month, and during this I'm not allowed to go anywhere or talk on the phone or anything like that. Then for his punishment, he can't see me. That's it. He can hang with his friends 'n stuff. Oh and he got his cell and license taken away. Oh and then tonight I found out that I'm not ungrounded until I get a job. They would do that to me. And I can't express how much it upsets me when my mom is CONSTANTLY pushing all my buttons, and making me feel absolutely horrible. Tellin me "You don't want a job, if you did you would work harder. You don't ever push yourself, so if you won't, I will." BLAH BLAH BLAH. That's bull shit. I seriously, seriously want a job. I would die for one. It's so hard to find one though. Oh well, what can you do. I guess I'll just be grounded for the rest of the school year, and have no car. Fun.
The whole thing has put a lot of stress on our relationship. Although, we are determined to stay together, even with the odds against us. His mom does NOT like me, so that kinda poses a problem. My mom wants us to be together, but is really hard on me sometimes. Oh well, I'll keep this updated. Pray for us. ~luvs Amerella~
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2004 16 February :: 3.56 pm
Aphrodite/Eros
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Unfortunately, being this way usually means getting your heart trampled on...but what can you do, right?
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2004 22 January :: 7.53 pm
So I haven't wrote in a while. I have a good excuse, though. :D Lately I've been taking to someone I've had a crush on for a while now. And the more I talk to him, the more I like him. Its great!! But horrible at the same time. After Luke pulled his 180 personality trick on me, I vowed never to fall so hard for a guy again. I think I've broke that rule with this guy. He makes me feel alive again, and I can be myself with him. He makes me happy when I'm sad, calm when I'm upset, and all around in a better mood. It's scary. Its also one of the greatest things I've had happen to me in a while.
So what nothing could go wrong, right? Wrong. Thats just how my life works. The more I fall for this guy, the more I think about Luke and how much I loved him, and what I did to him. Not really him, but the guy he used to be. I often blame myself for corupting him. The worst thing that has ever happened to me, happened with him. One night this past summer, we were driving home from somewhere, I dont remember where, and I off handedly mentioned something that happened from my past. He got really mad and wouldnt talk to me for the rest of the ride home. It wasnt that bad, honestly. It was just the fact that he was so sheltered. Its hard to explain. So anyways, we were on his deck, and I was trying to talk to him. He wouldnt say much, except "How could you?" First of all, I dont understand why it would bother him so much, it was my past. And i swear its not that bad. So I got frustrated and walked into the field. And just fell down and laid there, staring at the stars, with tears in my eyes. Finally he came over and sat in the grass. i sat up and looked at him, and he started bawling. I've never seen a guy cry like that, and I've never felt so horrible in my entire life. I immediatley crawled over to him and held him, bawling my eyes out, telling him that it would be ok. We layed in the grass and bawled together. I will never ever forgive myself. I see that day as the day I introduced him to the harsh realities of life. He was always the sensitive, caring, truly romantic, I'll-love-you-forever type of guy. From then on, he was never the same. It got worse as the weeks wore on, especially after we got back to school. He's turned into someone I dont know. Someone I dont want to know. And when I ask him about it, why he's changed, he tells me that its so much easier not to care about anything. And I see myself as the one who taught him not to care. I corrupted him by bringing him into my life, which is constantly filled with misery and sorrow. Why am I telling you this? Because I'm so cautious now, I never want to replay that night. Every once in a while I will think of that night, and cry myself to sleep. I dont know why it still hurts me as much as it did when it happened, it just does. I'll remember it the rest of my life. In the case of this new guy that I like, I'm so afraid that I'm going to corrupt him, too. I wouldn't be able to handle going through that again. I just pray that God will give me the strength to conquer the future with the knowledge of the past, and that he will protect me and every delicate heart I come in contact with. *Begins to cry and crawls under the covers*
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2004 18 January :: 9.53 am
:: Mood: Blah
It's the worst feeling in the world when you realize the irony that the things you're trying to escape are the things that are actually preventing your escape.
So yesterday wasn't the greatest day. But before I tell you why, I have to explain what happened tuesday night.
My ma gets back from her honeymoon on Sunday. After I complained that she didn't leave me any money for lunch or anything, I told her that she needed to call my dad because he wanted to talk to her about paying my car insurance for a month while I got a job. His argument was the fact that not only did he buy the car, hes put an additional $200 in for new filters and such, and my mom hadn't done squat (which if you know her thats normal). So she tells me that she'll call him tomorrow. So Monday at about 5:30 I ask her " Did you call dad today?" and she replies "No, I'll call him tomorrow. Mike is here." Which for those of you who don't know who Mike is, he's my moms newly accquired husband. Not my stepdad, don't ever call him that because he is FAR from being a dad to me. Anyway, so the next day rolls around, Tuesday. And about the same time I asked my mom, "Did you call dad?" and of course her answer was "No, I didn't have time today." Ok, that pisses me off. She hasn't had to work yesterday and today, and she still couldn't find the time to pick up the phone and talk to him for like, 5 minutes?? So I get really ticked off, and tell her that I don't know what her problem is about calling him, its not going to kill her. Then she tells me that if my dad wants to talk to her so bad, then he can call her. I was like MOM! Honestly, why do you have to be like that? Its not that big of a fricken deal. He just needs to talk to you about you paying for my car insurance. And what she said next pissed me off sooooo much, there is no possible way to describe it. "I don't know why he thinks he's so great, we both do equally for you, its not all about him." WTF!? That is SO not the truth and she knows it! So I call up my dad for her, and tell him what she said, and immediately he says, "Let me talk to her." So they got in a fight and worked it out, suposedly.
SO, AS I WAS SAYING AT THE BEGINNING, yesterday was horrible. Why? Because when I asked my mom when she was going to put the insurance on my car, she told me when she was ready to. not when i get my license. So thats what the subject is all about.
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2004 16 January :: 12.05 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
I got this from Mitch's journal. I thought it was neat.
What do you know about love?
I've touched its perfect face
I've held it tight in my arms
and kissed it to sleep each night
What can you know about love?
If you can hate something so perfect
something so beautiful
something so real
that it brings me to my knees
When I see them walking hand in hand
with bright smiles across their faces
and a look of pure joy in their eyes
I know they've touched the same love I hold
and I could never deny anyone I loved
anyone I cared about
such a perfect union of souls
Some people spend their entire lives
up until their dying breath
looking for something this beautiful
searching for something this wonderful
and that's why I could never
not in a thousand lifetimes
stand between my love and her happiness.
I could never tell her who she is
or that what she's feeling is wrong.
But there you stand
soaking in the pouring rain
shaking your head violently
disgusted by some invisible shame
What do you know about love?
How can you touch love
when your heart is filled with fear and hate?
If you understood love
even grasped the meaning of the word
you'd know it takes a million different forms
each as perfect as the last
and though I can't hate you through all my pity
when I see the pain you cause
the tears you bring
and the misery you create
I break down and cry.
Because I know then
that you'll never know the meaning of love
the true meaning of love.
But yet, in your ignorance
in your blindness and hate
you crush something so perfect
so beautiful
that it still brings me to my knees
and for that I'll never forgive you
though I'll always pity you
as you wallow in your sea of pain.
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2004 11 January :: 1.09 am
:: Mood: too many to count...
it might actually be happening...and im happy but sad at the same time.
Well, I have to admit that the last thing i thought would happen to me at the dance last night did.
It all started when I started having fun without Luke. Seriously having fun. I forgot that it was possible. He was acting so down at the game though, and it was kinda depressing. I felt sorry for him, but at the same time I wished he could feel just as bad as I still do. It hurts but I try to hide it. And I think I've mastered keeping it from him, but sometimes it shows. Friday all day he was acting really nice and I noticed that he was touching me more in school, instead of acting like I was diseased. Strange...Anyways. the dance. Tyler was acting funny all night. Not creepy funny, but funny where he was actually talking to me and hanging out with me. And now i dont even remember how we started that conversation. I think it started when he asked me if I was having fun. And of course I was, and told him so, and I asked him the same in return. Pretty good, was his reply. So then I said to him, "Tyler, I have to tell you something that I've noticed. Everytime you get close to a girl, and possibly having true feelings for her, you turn and run away. Why are you so afraid?" He kinda laughed and said "So you've noticed huh? Yeah, I'm a little scared, but not that much." Realizing that he was obviously lieing and scared to death, I flashed him a look of, 'im not that stupid'. His reply was "So I'm really scared. Scared of the commitment and scared of getting hurt. And hurting the girl." so I said, "Yeah, a lot of guys are scared, but you have to deal with it. It's just a fact of life. Everybody has to get hurt once in a while. I mean, look at me, look at how many times I've been hurt, and I'm still in the game. Im not going to let some stupid guy get in my way" He took a step closer and looked into me, and asked, "What would you say if I asked you out on a date?" Laughing nervously and blushing horribly, I backed away and told him " Id have to think about it. I mean, I like you, ur cool, but I don't know if I could trust you." He gently put his hands on my hips and then again looked deep into my eyes and, with a look of seriousness replied, "I could never hurt you. You mean too much to me. I pinkie promise." Wow. And from then on for the rest of the night, we slow danced, and he was always reaching out for my hand and stuff. Once again I felt wanted. Its not like we were all over eachother, It was just gentle, casual touches. It was neat. After the dance we went back to Kyni Rae's and he insisted on snuggling. The way he treated me was almost as good as Luke used to. I don't know if ne one can top Luke, but he was close. By the end of the night, I was sweped away. Let's just hope this isn't a leap of faith into a pile of rocks. And I dont know if this is because I was haning out with Ty, or if it is really happening, but I think I'm finally getting over Luke. It still hurts now and then, but I think that it's been so long and so hard that I'm finally backing away. It doesn't by any means mean that I don't love him or care about him, it's just that I obviously can't give him what he wants or needs. What that is, I don't even think he knows. I'll always be his friend, you can believe that. He is by far one of the coolest people I've ever met. And I dont know if I'll ever totally get over him, or if i want to. All I know is that things are starting to change.
Speaking of changes, I have soccer conditioning on monday. Im so going to die. The last time that I ran, like full out ran for a long period of time, was last soccer season *rolls eyes* I hate myself for that. So now that i havent kept up with staying in shape, modisher's work out is going to so kick my ass. I gurantee you that I cant even make it one lap around the school without dying. Im honestly scared.
Well, that was long but I needed to say it. Off to bed.
SO im editing this because i DID jump into a pile of rocks. Go figure, isn't that what I always do? *rolls eyes*
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2004 8 January :: 3.23 pm
Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
So there u have it folks...I just wish someone besides this stupid website would realize that. *sighs deeply*
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2004 7 January :: 6.09 pm
You are like majority of the people in today's
society. You probably like the latest trends,
but not because they are considered cool; just
because you like them. Continue being you,
people like you for it.
A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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2004 7 January :: 1.02 pm
:: Mood: happy and blah
NO SCHOOL!!!
So this morning i shuffle out of my bedroom at 5:30, rubbing my eyes. I walk into the living room, punch on the t.v., and i shit u not the first school closing i saw roll across the screen was Cedar Springs. It was like Christmas all over again!! I dont think i could have jumped back in bed again any faster than i did. Although I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked. Ehh, i dont care. no school is almost as good as an orgasm.
So I have a little dilemma. And of course it involves a guy. So i met this guy through my cousin. We've hung out a couple of times, and the more i hang out with him, the more I like him. He is almost perfect. Not perfect where it makes you feel uncomfortable, but perfect where you look up to him. And he has a killer personality. He believes in treating women with the utmost respect. Hes the kind of guy us women dream about. He's the kind of guy that us women DAY DREAM about. He's hot too. Tall, dark, and handsom...with big muscles that make a woman feel safe. So whats the problem? I dont know if he likes me for just a friend, or if there could be more. And i dont want to just ask him, that would be retarted. GRRR! I hate this!!! *stomps foot and walks away*
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2004 6 January :: 10.02 pm
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2004 6 January :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: all over the place, too many things going on in my
:: Music: Sheryl Crow~Soak up the sun
~*~Right now I should be curling up with a good book, but all i wanna do is curl up with a good man! Is there ne out there?~*~ says:
so what made u decide to get in msn tonight?
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
bordum
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
what else
~*~Right now I should be curling up with a good book, but all i wanna do is curl up with a good man! Is there ne out there?~*~ says:
eh, not much i guess. lol
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
yup
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
how bout you?
~*~Right now I should be curling up with a good book, but all i wanna do is curl up with a good man! Is there ne out there?~*~ says:
ummmm......BOREDOM!!! what a coinkie dink!
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
exactly that is the only reason any one gets on right
~*~Right now I should be curling up with a good book, but all i wanna do is curl up with a good man! Is there ne out there?~*~ says:
well, unless ur some freaky deaky person that spends their entire existence online
HELLO EVERYBODY! says:
but alot of people do that
~*~Right now I should be curling up with a good book, but all i wanna do is curl up with a good man! Is there ne out there?~*~ says:
maybe...*laughs nervously and looks around* ha....ha ha...uh.
So tonight i realized that I am slightly addicted to this piece of shit some people call a computer...its scary...on a lighter note i get my drivers license in 13 days!!! Then i will have and excuse not to be on the internet all the time. right? am i right?? *laughs nervously again* ehhh, shut up.
So it was great, today Mitch was totally making Luke feel like shit. Telling Luke how he's such a bastard and that he's using me, and that i deserve so much better than him. It was quite hilarious. Ur a good man Mitch. *flashes that look* just messin'....
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2004 5 January :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: confused, uncomfortable, just plain weird
:: Music: Sheryl Crow-The First Cut is the Deepest
So today wasn't exactly the best day back, but, eh, i cant complain to much. Im really tired, but other than that i dont have any homework, so...Other than that i've been SO stressed lately, ive developed insomnia and a cold sore. Ugh. So i guess you could add im restless to my mood. Between Luke and my parents and my friends, I havent got the slightest idea which way to go with what. Hopefully things start to straighten themselves out before i go crazy.
Wow, i guess i can complain. Hmm...
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