:: 2004 30 November :: 11.35 am
:: Music: Simple And Clean (in my mind)

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:: 2004 15 November :: 9.13 pm

I still want to cry. I still can't. I downloaded "Ocean Breathes Salty" by Modest Mouse. Finally. Listening to it now. I really like this song.

I finished my History work. I have yet to finish Count of Monte Christo, and I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do on the poetry section and the writing the introduction to whatever I'm supposed to be writing. And I still haven't done my math. I don't even want to.

I'm so depressed. I just want to copy this song on a CD and listen to it over and over again in my room. In the dark.

That's scenario number one.

I'm so depressed. I just want to lay in my room and watch Moulin Rouge over and over until I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion and depression.

That's scenario number two.

I'm so depressed. I just want to sit in my room and watch/listen to the Coldplay concert until I doze off.

That's scenario number three.

Don't ask about the scenario thing. I'm just.. blah. I don't know if I'd even call it depression. Wah, wah, poor me, pity me. Nah, not really. I just don't want to have to go to school tomorrow or anymore. I don't want to have to read anymore, no more work. But everyone's gotta do this, so why should I be any different?

I just want to be alone, I think. I don't feel like being around my family right now either. I really do want to go listen to music or watch Moulin Rouge. I read a fanfic that was a parody of the Moulin Rouge, so that's why. Plus, I feel like being depressed.

Wow, you know it's really bad when you find me here for the second time in the same day. Two long entries on the same day, that's even worse.

I want to type something, but there's a chance that someone may see it and become utterly depressed and hate me. I don't want to be the object of someone's hatred, so I just won't say it. I can think it though, and I can tell my friends.

Sorry, I know I used to hate it when people got all mysterious like that. If I could be described as mysterious, haha.

... I think I could be described by .. =\

Sad, huh? Ah well. I'm not the most depressed person in the world, nor am I the worst off.. I'm just confused and tired and .. like I've said fifty times already, depressed.

Well, I've already repeated everything over and over so I'll just go... Do something...

Be safe everyone.

And forgive any typos I made.. not really.. here.. spelling-wise..

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:: 2004 15 November :: 3.35 pm

I feel like screaming. I don't know why. I think I'm going crazy. I can't remember a lot of things. Maybe it is just because I'm a teenager. I hope so. I feel like writing but I am so messed up now that I can't even get one idea out without letting it get jumbled in with fifty others. This really.. sucks (for lack of a better word).

Was I even here for the last week? Of course I was, but what did I say? What did I think? I can only remember bits and pieces. I guess it might have been because I was sick. When I get sick, I get frustrated easily. When I'm not sick, I get frustrated easily. What's it matter?

I'm looking for something that I'll never be able to have.

So, in the meantime, I'll just look for something right quick through my old Woohu journal entries.

I found somewhere where I'd described myself in ninth grade year. Most of it is true even now.. Although I wonder if I lose my temper so much now as I did then. Probably do.

Oh, wow. I found journal entries from back when I was with Kei, er, Chris. Oh whatever. I'll call him what I called him then. Kei. I didn't think I felt that strongly about him back then. Maybe when you're younger, it's easier to pretend that your feelings are real, so you trick yourself into believing them even though they may not be true.

Back then I was Mei. Am I Ashley now? Not Mei? ... Am I still Meiko? Am I still Li-Li? Did those people only exist back then? Li-Li, I think I am still, since whenever I do speak to Skye, she still calls me that sometimes. Meiko.. That was a really long time ago, or so it feels. Those were good times though.. I want to go back to middle school. Less responsibility, schoolwork wasn't so hard, nor was it so important.. Now everything we do determines which college we get into.

My head is starting to hurt, which I really don't need it to do. I have to start on my work again soon. I think I can make it through until Thanksgiving break.. Four days this week, since I missed today, and two or so days next week. I think. I don't remember very well.

I'm so stupid. Why did I have to get sick last week, and miss a whole week? Why didn't I just keep myself healthier? Why can't I finish my makeup homework? Why can't I remember?!

Er, sorry. Apologies.

Aw, I remember when I used to say 'freakish.' .. Didn't I used to say 'der' too? Oh well.

I feel like wearing makeup. I -never- wear makeup. Ever. So why now? Do I feel like hiding away from the real world? Is this even the real world? I think I live in my mind, making things out to be bigger than they really are. Every single thing has to have a meaning for me, hidden or apparent. I overreact even now.. That's kind of.. amusing.. Isn't it?

I didn't plan on typing out such a long journal entry.. Sorry, whoever's reading this.

... meh... I feel weak again. I hate it when I feel like this. I feel like crying.. but whenever I need to.. I can't.

Anyway, I think I'll go do something else for a while.. I really want to hear 'Ocean Breathes Salty' again. >_< I really like that song.

.. Maybe I'll change my journal layout.. It's too.. bright.. and happy.. I don't care, Tawney. I don't need color. Blah.

Be safe, everyone.

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:: 2004 10 November :: 11.08 pm

I opened this window about 3 or more minutes ago. Then I started sneezing. Oh wait. More sneezing on its way. Or maybe not. Wait, wait.

Don't you hate it when you're about to sneeze, and you really need to sneeze, but then it just fades away? I do. Come back, sneeze! I need you!

Sickish. Cold. It' evolving... O_O It went from a sore throat, to .. whatever it was, to a bad cold. -twitch- Medicine is supposed to HELP right? >\ Makin' me miss almost a full week of school. If I stay home tomorrow also, is there any reason to go on Friday? Even if I get better? o_O

My teeth are stained medicine grape. No, I mean it. I can hardly take pills as it is, and with a sore throat? Hah. So I've been stuck with liquid medicine. It's either Robitussen "cherry" [Yeah. Right. Cherry. O_o..] or some other type "grape." Sorry, I prefer real grapes.

But, hey, at least this whole being sick thing is making me not eat as much. Not hurting me too bad.. >_>

Okay. It's starting to get hot. And I can't take off my socks because that would be too much freedom. Darn it. If I don't wear socks, then I'll get too cold (even though I'm sweating o_O), and if I get too cold, I'll get worse. Most likely true, but I don't have to admit that.

10:14.. Maybe I'll go lay down and reread some Anita Blake book. Start over at the second one, seeing as I don't have the first one? =D

Ah. Choo.

I wish.

Okay, I shall finish this sickly rambling thing I've got goin' on here and go prop myself up in a most-likely-warm room with a nice, gorey book. Hurray!

Okay, bye-bye.

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:: 2004 6 November :: 4.24 am

Dunno if I ever really told everything there was to tell about my parents planned divorce in my fifth grade year. Let's look at what happened.

Fifth grade year, right near the end. I come home from visiting Traci (my old best friend) and they sit me down on the couch. "Ashley," Mom said, while Dad just sat there on the couch looking at the wall or whatever. "You're father and I have decided to get a divorce."

"Okay," was all I pretty much said. Walked into the kitchen and I could hear her say, "It'll hit her later, what's really going on."

I don't think it ever did. Still hasn't, in fact. Mom, Jody, and I moved in with Jamie and Bethany, Asa moved to Florida to his real mom, and Dad lived with Tobey, I guess. I finished my fifth grade year there, at Tatum. I only cried about it once, and that was because the stupid counselors were making a big deal out of it. I did it just to shut them up, I think.

So, the end of fifth grade year. Sometime during the summer, Mom, Jody, and I move into our own little house. Mom and me had to share a bedroom. Jody got his own. Jody worked with Jamie and Pizza Hut and I think Mom worked at a convenience store. I started school at Pine Tree Middle School. Oh man. The math was advanced, English, everything. Three or four homework assignments in each class.

During this time, Dad had found a girlfriend. Barbara was her name. I didn't, and don't, like her. -Shakes head.- It wasn't because it was some weird woman sleeping with my Dad, it was just because.. I just had a bad feeling about her. She was nice enough.. Just.. Eh.

I stayed with my Dad on the weekends. J.J. lived with my Dad. J.J. was my puppy. I loved him so much. Sometimes we'd give him a bath and bring him to the little house in Pine Tree.. Mom was always happy to see JJ.. JJ got smart in that short amount of time, and he was always overjoyed to see me.

I remember near the end of my sixth grade year, Mom went out for a drink with Dad. Things happened and we ended up moving back in with him, in the trailor I currently call home.

And now here we are.

I actually can't remember too much of my sixth grade year except my best friends were named Ashley, Ashley, Shaina, and Shay. (Seriously, Ashley M, and Ashley K. ((I'm Ashley E.)))

I don't know why I wrote all of that.. I just felt like writing something.. Anything.. in here.

Anyway, I'm just going to go lay down. Probably take some more medicine.. Hopefully sleep. I don't really want to do anything this weekend.. nor go anywhere.. Maybe next weekend the people who wanted to come over this weekend will show.

For some reason, I was under the impression that it's 3:37 AM on Sunday.. Odd.

I was wondering why no one had called.

All right.. That's all.. that I can put in here right now anyway.

Good night, or day, or whatever..

I'm beginning to get a headache from thinking, hah.

"Don't think too hard; you'll hurt yourself."

Indeed..

Indeed.

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