[slightly obsessive]

[slightly obsessive]

:: 2024 1 May :: 1.32pm
:: Mood: hopeless

As we hang from the vine
We swam on the thin red line
I'm asleep in the deep
Asleep in the dark black sea

I call out your name
All I hear is the pouring rain
When you came into view
I realise it's not you

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long

The night fades away
I'm dipped in the deep dark clay
And I'm raising my voice
Sinking with all my teeth

I'm hiding the storm
The storm with the bright green glow
And I'm holding my knife
It's sure to make them leave

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
When the wait is so long

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godessalthena

:: 2024 30 April :: 1.23pm

I am in a very dark and lonely place.

I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.

my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.

like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.

I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.

I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2024 24 April :: 7.31pm
:: Music: AJR- inertia

I wanna be big like my plans/ So why am I so tiny, and why am I so mad?
I've worn the same skinny jeans
Since I was 15, it's probably nothing
(Inertia) my friends say they're quitting this week
To chase down their dreams, they're probably bluffing, but
Don't you like it bigger, better?
But you do what you can (do what you can)
Don't you like it a little better
When you don't understand? (Don't understand)
I was gonna save the planet, but today I got plans
I guess this is just what I am
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am
you said you'd break up with her
But she met your family, and dating's the worst, yeah
(Inertia) now, you're not in love anymore
But you'll stick it out for, like, 20 years more, saying
don't you like it bigger, better?
But you do what you can (do what you can)
Don't you like it a little better
When you don't understand? (Don't understand)
I was gonna save the planet, but today I got plans
I guess this is just what I am
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am (oh, man)
Oh-ah, oh-ah
Where I am going is right where I am
I wanna move out of this town
But everyone knows me and packing is tiring
(Inertia) I said I would start working out
But I'm f- hungry, and screw you, I'm trying
I wanna be big like my plans
So why am I so tiny, and why am I so mad?
It's inertia, guess this is just what I am
I'm stuck in this life, and I'm stuck in these pants
I'm an object in motion, I've lost all emotion
My two legs are broken, but look at me dance (look at me dance)
An object in motion, don't ask where I'm going
'Cause where I am goin' is right where I am (oh, man)
don't you like it bigger, better?
But (oh-ah) you do what you can
Where I am going is right where I am (right where I am)
(Oh-ah) don't you like it bigger, better?
But (oh-ah) you do what you can
Where I am going is right where I am
Oh, inertia

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godessalthena

:: 2024 17 April :: 10.46am

been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.

it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.

I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.

1 comment | comment

godessalthena

:: 2024 15 March :: 8.28am

struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.

feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.

feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.

all my art projects turn out like shit.

my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

6 comments | comment