godessalthena
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2022 24 April :: 9.07am
major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite
but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.
I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.
I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.
not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.
why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.
I'm just ready for something to be easy
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godessalthena
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2022 7 April :: 9.12am
I'm drowning in overwhelming sorrow
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godessalthena
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2022 12 March :: 8.42am
listening to a mix tape my sister made her (now-ex) boyfriend but never gave him. it's literally my favorite ever. the songs flow so perfectly, each one is beautiful and meaningful.
I've never made anything so wonderful. I often wonder if maybe I really am a waste of paint.. I don't make beautiful things, I am not thoughtful, I am a selfish Lil worm.
but somehow I still have so many absolutely remarkable people in my life, who genuinely love me for who I am, even at my most crazy, even when I make the same mistakes over and over again.
i saw a friend I hadn't seen in over two years, we went to Frank's and had mimosas, smoked a bowl in the parking lot, and finished with a cigarette. we laughed the whole time, and we have so much in common. I've really missed seeing her, and after I felt this bliss and joy I hadnt felt in a long time.
I've lost myself a little, and I'm having a hard time getting back up to the path, if there was ever a path in the first place...
not sure where I'm even going anymore.
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godessalthena
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2021 30 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: lonely
I've got time for you, you make me wanna die without trying to...
cuz I need someone else who every night remembers I exist...
the only thing I can count on is you not coming through...
Still I taught her to breathe when you're low and you're deep underwater..
Stay faithful, remember what you love, so when the world gets painful you become your own god...
one day, they'll post all my mistakes.
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godessalthena
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2021 22 December :: 5.03am
if I was BPII, this is what we would call a hypo manic phase. this is when I feel confident, positive, optimistic and motivated to accomplish simple tasks I normally wouldn't have the energy for (such as baking cookies).
but I don't make impulse decisions and I don't engage in risky behavior in this phase. I definitely can't sleep.
but God damn if I'm not a ray of sunshine for my customers.
and sometimes I get to talk to very interesting person. yesterday was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic who had been married 18 years.. it was cathartic talking to someone who truly understands the losses I've had in my life and being able to relate to the pain and loss with another random stranger.
it helps me keep perspective that I'm not the only one with problems, and everyone has their own hardships, and it doesn't coat you anything to just...
to just be kind to one another.
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