:: 2004 15 March :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: not happy

Emma's profile says this...

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
--Matt Groening

... and I agree

2 messages | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 14 March :: 6.53 pm
:: Mood: crying

So theres no fun way to say this so I'll just say it. John and I broke up today. And I freaking hate it. I've been crying forever and I just cant stop. Everything reminds me of him and I cant stop thinking about him. I love him so much yet I cant be with him. It all started over something Mal told me. And I'm not going to go into what that something is, and I hope Mal wouldnt either. Well, see the thing is Mal told me about this thing and I asked him about it and he flat out toldme it was true and told me everything I wanted to know. So A+ on honesty. But see I didnt want to break up with him. I really really didnt want to. But I just dont know if it could ever all work out again. Like could he and Mal get along ever? Or could things between the house here and him ever be the same? Could I leave him and Mal home here with me in class? Or could just him stay here? I dont know. So I just ended it. I didnt think it was fair to keep someone around that Mal was uncomfy around. And this couldda all been stupid cuz Mal and I didnt even talk. I just assumed. And I dont know, maybe I did want to break up with him. I did have all this stuff already built up that he knew about.. then he goes breaks trust and he expected nothing? I dont know I just really dont know. I'm so confused and lost and sad. And there is no one here for me to talk to about it. I mean Mal is prolly willing but I think that she thinks I blame it all on her when I dont. She apalogizes like she did something wrong when she didnt. And as much as I love Mal I dont know if I do want to talk to her. I know its not her fault and I know she did nothing wrong but still when I look at her I see how my relationship ended. And I dont ever want that to come between Mal and I because she is such a great friend. But truth be told, if I didnt worry about Mal so much I wouldnt have ended things with John. Maybe, I dont know. Things are how they are and I cant make myself think that they are different. Usually I'm pretty good about seeing different sides but today I just cant. I cant see anything but how I feel and right now its pretty damn shitty. My head is spinnning and I cant make it stop. I miss him so much. But should I? I honestly love him and I hate that it has ended this way. There are things that I feel like writing right now but I'm not going to. It will all come up to those of you who need to know when I actually talk t o you about it. I havent talked to anyone yet about anything. I just want out of the dorm. I have pictures every where and there are memories everywhere. I had such a great weekend with him too. And I love him. Most of all I freaking love him. This wouldnt hurt so much if I didnt. And I just want to know how to make it stop. I did nothing wrong yet it all hurts so much. Why did all this happen? Why did he do the things he did? And how do I stop missing him? I have dance in an hour and a half so I cant even get out of this place. I just want out so much. I dont want to think about things. I dont want to think anymore.
Then to top it off I read Mals journal and I think that my teasing has been slowly getting to her. And I dont mean for it to. She knows where I stand on things and if she wants to not go along with my way of thinking thats all up to her. I just wish she would see what would happen in the future. But hey for all I know shes not even talking about me.
Damn I just wish there was something to do... I miss him so much...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 9 March :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: wild

I got nuttin
printer hooked up... yes
printer working... no
damn

so the lady at Kliener today said she liked my hair. Called it a "wild and wet look" it was the "I just woke up and look like a lion" look to me. But call it what you want, I was told I looked cute... it's been awhile since I was told I looked cute. I believe it was brown shirt day in Lansing when John brought me to everyone in his family saying "Doesnt Mica look cute today" lol. Gotta say missin the attention thing lately. Every day John would tell me I looked nice, and for some reason it felt all genuine. But now its like he tells me I'm cute but never because of what I wear, but becuase we're laying around and he's listing things he likes about me. Hmmm... I guess when you put it that way it sounds really nice... but all the same I miss the "you look nice"'s
Foot status... healing up nice. Starting to do some crazy scabby flakey sheddy thing. Kinda fun. Its pretty much done hurting. It still hurts if anything touches it or anything. Not like blankets, but deffinately shoes. But, oh well, its cute.
John is possibly coming up on Thursday and staying all weekend. I'm really excited about it. And I hope that it all works out that he can come and stuff. I've missed him. Something is all weird feeling and I just feel like I need to be with him. Who knows. Maybe my next entry will be that he dumped me, I dont know. But its a funny feeling and I miss him... thats about all I got.
So this is all I have to talk about today... read on good buddies, read on...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 8 March :: 5.34 pm
:: Mood: Happy

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!
good mood? yes
classes figured out? yes
boyfriend happy? yes
me happy? yes
Mal happy? yes
foot hurt? yes
getting better? yes
dresses picked out? yes
dance done? yes
shoes picked out? yes
back scratched? yes
Ashley called? yes
Team study? yes
Advisor appointment made? yes
know where his office is? yes
take down outdated sticky notes? yes
tattoo? yes
tattoo clean? yes
phone charged? yes
experiment sign up? yes

printer hooked up? no

I bet you know what I'm gonna try and do today... wish me luck

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 4 March :: 3.32 pm
:: Mood: fervent

hehehe
I GOT A TATTOO TODAY! And it hurts like never I've had any pain before. I do NOT reccomend foot tattoos. It hurts so freaking bad and it hurt so much to get done... but it will look really cool!

gimmie a ring