:: 2003 22 September :: 2.38 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

OK
Ok so there is too much drama. And I am not a drama lovin kinda girl. So I will keep my thoughts short and concise. I am not mad at anyone. Everything is ok and good. I'm not stupid. Mal can vouch for it. And from now on people should talk to me about me and not other people. So that is all. Thank you

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 22 September :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: calm

Things
Ok so I guess my last journal has brought about a lot of attention. John thinks that I can turn into psycho mad women. I believe his exact words were "Damn Mica. I better not piss you off" And Overall I didnt think that I sounded that pissed. Then Mal said something. And now Mike. So I guess I'm really evil... sorry didnt mean to sound that mad... but I guess I was. So first off I apalogize for being psycho mad... I was just mad.
So here'e my explination. And it sucks that everything has to be done all through Journals. But the way I see it is that that is how it has to be done. I didnt want to attack below/above mentioned person because I didnt want them to know about how I found out about what they were saying... ya know protect the middle man. But just a few minutes ago middle man tried to explain what happened and all that stuff. So it became apparent that there would be no direct talking... and I'm a pretty efficient person, like to cut out the middle man. That way middle man doesnt get in trouble. (Side note- I keep typing middle mad... its pissing me off).
OK so, I guess this whole thing is just a bunch of things that all get piled up until something sets it off. The whole Kristi thing really really upset me. The whole me not knowing why. And I guess just because I'm more of the comforter not the comforted I was always just shrugged off and told that I was ok. So then a bunch of stuff happened and then calmed down and then one night Mal and I were talking and she was talking to Kristi and told me that she wished she could tell her things (essentially). Like wished she was mean enough to say all of the things that she was thinking. Well, I already put out my last Kristi effort so what did I have to lose. So we "talked" and blah blah blah and she even thanked me for being honest with her and telling her everything that i had to say. Well now I find out that someone was pissed at me for how I handled it. Apparently it was horrible. Paraphrasing here 'How good can it feel for Kristi not to have one of her best friends understand.'
Not to sound completely selfish but here we go. How about me? How much can it feel good for me not to have Kristi understand how I feel. Yes she had problems.... but ok how can it feel to not have Mike, Zach, Kate, OR Mal understand? Just because I'm not the one to ask for help from people that means that everything is ok? Everyone deals with hurt in their own way. And I chose to be there for Mal to talk to. For Mike to talk to. For everyone to talk to. And who did I have totalk to? I talked to John and I love him to death for it but he doesnt understand... he met her once. So that is one of the things that I got mad at. That someone who is my friend couldnt understand that. He is good at looking at things from all sides and getting different perspectives... but apparently he just missed mine.
The other thing that upset me was that this person was one that I thought I could trust and get some of those perspectives from. Hes a smart guy, why couldnt he help me. And since the Kristi thing I havent really been the most trusting. Every now and then the thought enters my mind that one day things will be fine and then I'll go on vacation and things wont be fine anymore. So this is someone that I trusted that just did a Kristi. I open up to him and then all the sudden I find out things arent what they appear. Oh well... ya cant trust people I guess.
And finally what upset the most were two things... one short one long. Short- His relationships are screwed up, so why criticize mine? And the long- Awhile ago I told him (because he was one person I opened up to) that it really bothered me when our cirlce of friends talked about each other. Awhile ago, earlier this summer, we all agreed just to have an open circle. We were all talking about each other so much that everyone knew everything anyway. So we agreed just to tell each other everything. But people were still talking. I suppose you cant avoid it. But I told him how much it bothered me. And how I thought that if we were going to have an open circle that it should just be open. No more talking. And I honestly thought it was all ok. But apparently not. And now I get into this whole if he was saying this to middle person what other things have my friends said. This was one friend taht I thought I could trust. But again I suppose not.
So those have been the issues behind the evil. I told Mal that it was probably just because it was him. Someone I thought I could trust and someone that I did open up to and then the whole timing of his life not being perfect. Overall, bad timing bad person. Sorry for sounding evil. I really am. Hope this clears some things up for everyone who reads this.

2 messages | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 18 September :: 5.45 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

grr
Let me just say that I wish everyone would mind their own damn business. ESPECIALLY in areas that they have no business being in and more importantly if in that given area they are having issues. Yeah if you read this and understand then you know whats up. There is no need for so called "friends" to be going behind your back and getting into your business, and worse yet making judgements and EVEN WORSE YET getting involved. I deal with things myself. If you knew me at all you'd know that I dont often look to people for help and that I handle things myself. I didn't and dont need your help so please just stay out. I will talk to people when I feel the need to do so. I dont care if it is my relationship with John, how I decide to handle my friends, or anything else. What I do I do and I dont think that I need "friends" criticizing me about it.
I guess its just another time that friends arent what they seem. How people dont tell the truth anymore. And the overwhelming desire of people to get involved in things they have no right in doing so. Ok I think thats all my venting for now. I dont want to type anymore. I just dont understand how people can criticize when in the same area of their life is screwed up.
I'll end with bible talk here John 8:7 "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone"

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 10 September :: 12.02 am
:: Mood: crushed

I dont know
I dont know a lot of things right now. And at the top of my I dont know list is John. I just got off the phone with him and I'm not quite sure if hes still "my john." He didnt say goodbye. He didnt say I love you too. He didnt say sorry. He didnt say anything. And now I dont know. I just dont know anything. I dont know how to make john happy. I dont know how to make everyone happy. Which is typically what I do. I'm not the normal one to have to get advice from people. I'm usually the advice giver. I dont like this role reversal. Who knows what it is. The whole thing with Ty prolly started it all. Although it could be the college thing. Or who knows. I just dont know and I dont know when I will know. I think that my biggest issue is trying to keep everyone happy. And ultimatly this trying to make everyone happy thing is going to get to me more than this. I mean its 12ish now but hey I still have homework to do. And how many days can I stay up doing it. So oh well because it doesnt matter. Even though I know John will read this and think hey I better just not talk to her. Ultimately I still want to talk to him. I mean I love our 9-night talks as much as he does. So I dont know. Who knows I may not have a 9-night talker anymore. I may have lost him tonight.... he didnt say goodbye.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 9 September :: 3.04 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: John Mayer- Victoria

1 message | gimmie a ring