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2005 23 March :: 6.10pm
So I don't know what I am going to do. I got an email from my professor today telling me that if I miss three more classes I'm going to fail. But wait, oh yeah, I already am going to fail. I should really go talk to her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's me. I know I am the reason I'm failing. And I'm just not willing to do the things that it takes to learn. Maybe it's not even that I'm not willing, it's just that I can't. I can't do it, it's not possible. I don't quit on things. When I don't do well at things I realize that I'm not good at them and move on. Right now, I just want to move on. I just don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to piss the prof. off. Maybe I just give too much of a shit. Other class I could pull a cat and a rabbit out of the bag and be fine, but not in this one. No way. That just makes my night. I had other things I wanted to talk about, but that's it.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 22 March :: 10.07am
Well I guess no one actually cares about my whiny little life.
I'm in a different mood than I was in last night. I have a sense of accomplishment now. I finished the paper. I worked on it for abour 1:15 last night and then woke up this morning and pounded out on it for another half an hour, bringing my grand total to
1:45
My balls hurt, just in case you were wondering. I don't know why either. huh.
Anyways,I spent that much time and I'm sure that the whiny little kid who is in my class that hasn't hit puberty yet because his voice hasn't changed and he squeeks everything (I think I spelled squeak wrong(you can also tell that I really don't like this kid because I'm going on and on and on and on and on (smacks self up side head to stop the skipping record) and on)). He is so annoying. He had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have enough "textual" evidence to support my argument when he had one single citation and his paper was slightly over ONE PAGE long. I had fourteen citations FOURTEEN and he had the nerve to tell me I didn't have enough. It's a good thing I never see that kid outside of school. I would throw him up against a wall so hard. UGH. It's like the time I wanted to smash someones head into a brick wall, yeah, that bad. Anyway. I think I'm done now and I don't think that "Anyway" is a sentence to itself either.
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gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2005 21 March :: 11.31pm
Today I just got so scared. So scared of the future. What the hell am I going to do?
I'm sick of school and I don't want to go anymore. I want a life away from my life. I want to be like Matt and Angie and Alex and not have to realize the potential that I have. I want to waste my life.
That also brought me to another scary thought that I've been having: what if this is it? What if I've made my mark on the world and just flamed out? I don't know how I could live with that.
It's really strange, but now that I'm with her I actually feel more alone. I feel like there is no one that I can really talk to that doesn't have a motive for me. I could talk to her, but I know she has a motive. Plus, I don't want to be that serious already. I mean, we are getting more serious than we were before is some ways, but I don't want to become emotionally serious yet. That's just too much.
So I've got a paper due in 9 hours and I haven't even started it. I feel like not doing it.
I'm hating going to my Spanish class and I'm contemplating not ever going again. I'm going to fail, I might as well do a good job of it. And what does it say about me that I just want to give up? I want to give it all up and just be a lazy drifter with no future, no potential, free to do what I want when I want to. I don't think I'm cut out for that, but I don't think that I'm cut out for the life I"m living either. I'm going to go cry, perhaps sleep a little, perhaps write a little.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 16 March :: 12.57pm
I'm still in this kind of limbo, trying to navigate my way between two things that I think would severely disappoint me.
Kim and I are back together. They all said that it wouldn't take long and they were right. I love her, I really do. However, there is this weird feeling that I have, kind of a doubt about the future. The hard thing is that I convinced myself that she didn't want me. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my life before she came along, so why was I so depressed when we broke up, nothing had really changed right? And now I'm having trouble with the opposite aspect. I was getting over her. I was healing, in fact, I was getting used to not having a girlfriend. All the things that you can do as a single guy, but not when you're in a relationship, like flirting with girls and thinking about them in different ways. It's strange because part of me doesn't want to lose that. I kind of feel like there is nothing wrong with my life before she came along so why should I change my life because of her. So I walk the line, trying not to do anything that is going to upset her, abut at the same time still maintaining my individuality and not isolating myself in the confines of our relationship.
We talked about just having fun and not letting things get too serious. But I realized that it's a cop out on my part. I don't want to let things get too serious so that she doesn't have the power to hurt me again. I don't want to give that to her willingly this time. Yes, I'm a different person than I was four months ago. I don't think she thinks that we can just go back to the way we were, but some of the things she does seems like it. Obviously I don't want to go back to the way things were because there was a reason that she ended up with him anyway. Things are kind of confusing right now, but I just need to remember to not let these little nagging quesitons bother me, and just keep livin'.
BTW, I think I've failed my Spanish class. I don't think I have the brain anymore to get a new language. Or at least the way that they teach it here. It's very remedial, and I am very used to the pace in college. I need to know when things are due, sooner than the day before, because I just don't have time. I need to have concepts and ways of thinking about things to keep me engaged. Learning the language the way they teach it is like learning your multiplication tables. If you have the necessary background you can do it, but if you can't you feel inadequate and develop a bad attitude which only leads to less partcipation and learning. How I know all these things and can still be failing the class I have no idea, but it's a test of my redmedialness (if that's even a word) more than it is a test of my intelligence or true ability to learn the language.
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upchuck
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2005 9 March :: 12.12am
:: Mood: whimsical
:: Music: Counting Crows
The subject has yet to escape, but persists in evading me
If there is anything to say, I should say it now.
Yes, she did leave him. Thank God, truly for that one. I spent all day Sunday thanking people for whatever small role that they played in her ending her realtionship with him. It became about safety. I also thought it was encouraging that she came up with her plan of action far before she read what I had to say.
So I spent all night last night at her dad's house with her. I got there to pick her up for dinner at 6. We stayed at the resturaunt until 8:30. Just talking and having a good time. There was one point where she fell over by me and I put my arm around her, for like just a second (man, I'm starting to sound likr Crystal). Then we went back to her dad's house and we talked some more and then she got online and was talking to her sister and Christine when we had our real conversation. I told her how I felt. That I wanted to make sure that her feelings for me weren't just because I looked much better than her recent past. That I wanted to take things slow, just hang out and have fun, and stop being so serious. And then I asked her how she felt; that was the hardest part of the whole night. It was the time that I had the most doubt. She didn't say anything. Nothing at all. She couldn't vocalize, or wouldn't vocalize what she was feeling. And I felt that old frustration setting in. But then it was weird, because I didn't want to put too much pressure on her, but at the same time, I feel like I can't go back to her if she can't open up to me. And we hugged. A long, firm embrace, that seemed to say everyhting she was feeling without her actually saying it.
So we went into the living room, at this point it was like 1:30am. I was about ready to go home, but I sat down on the couch while she went to the bathroom and I fell asleep. I knew I was done. I also knew in my head that that can be interpreted as being romantic. To tell the truth, I've left that place way too many times, being thrown out into the harsh realities of life, and wanting to cry. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think. I simply wanted to be again. I wanted to be right now, not the past, nor the future, jsut right now. And we held hands, and did the things we used to do. And she curled up next to me, with her head on my belly and she fell asleep. But I wasn't sure how to feel. This girl, that I care about, but has hurt me so deeply, is inviting me back into her life. And there she was, perfectly beautiful to me again, perfectly lovely, there for me, a God given angel to bring a light to my life (okay, I'm being slightly melo-dramatic here, but bear with me). And I re-realized that I loved her, and that she loved me. For one time that was enough, because the thin line we now tread, just as the title of my journal says, is thin, and soon all could be good, or all could be lost.
gimmie a ring
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