Upchuck
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2005 15 February :: 10.41am
There is a massive right wing conspiracy to force everyone to Christianity, prevent all perverse sexual relations (including premarital), kill all homosexuals, and re-establish prohibition. This has all hinged on the fact that George W. Bush has been re-elected Presdient with 51% of the vote. All people in the middle of America are right wing, gun owning nuts who cannot think for themselves and must be degraded at every chance. This is a command for all those who would believe.
OBEY!!
- Howard Dean, DNC Chairman
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2005 15 February :: 9.56am
Do you buy into all of it?
Do you buy into this world and the things that are in it? Love and money. Superiority of some over others. Or even percieved superiority. Honesty is all but gone. Let's spare someone's feelings by not talking to them. Don't engage your mind, and everything will be okay. If I'm ignorant of what is going on around me I don't have to responsible.
WRONG!!!
You are responsible for your behavior. You are responsible for the kinds of clothes you wear. You are responsible for how you come off to other people. You are responsible for being intelligent and using that God damned brain of yours for more than just ethreal experiences caused by ingesting mind altering substances. The brain is not there for your amusement. Kindness of thought doesn't help either. I'm being a jackass, so tell me. I'm being nice tell me that too. You're attracted to me, tell me. You hate me and hope I die, tell me. Don't hold it in, don't lie, don't posture. Just tell the truth.
I guess I'm done with this damned rant.
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2005 13 February :: 7.09pm
:: Music: "Wild West Show" Big and Rich
Well just as a bit of luck, this is my 200th entry. Not that any of you care too much.
"There's never a hero in a battle of ego, There's never a winner of the quick draw." - Big and Rich
Something that someone could spend so long on, focus so much of their energy on. I don't want to be caught up in the competition. I don't want to be compared. I hate it so much. I am my own unique person, just as everyone else is. There is nothing to compare myself too, or rather there shouldn't be. I shouldn't be judged in comparison to someone else, I should be judged on my own abilities, my own attributes.
Today was hard. Much of it is the fact that I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I keep telling myself that this cycle I'm stuck in is going to change soon, but i know it's not. Not at least until I do something drastic.
Brianna, I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. First, I was just too tired. Which kills me because I don't have time to spend with anyone, especially when it would be nice to spend time with someone so removed from my reality. Second, I acidentally exited the convo that we were having and lost your number. Please send me an email, I'm sorry.
Now, I really can't tell if these tears I'm feeling coming on, that I've felt coming on for about the last six hours are because of exhaustion, stress, or if I'm not really over her yet. I was cool. I was good. But then we just act like everything is okay. I act like everything is okay when it's not. A lot of my anger toward her is gone, but not all of it. I think she knew today that my bad mood was more than me just being tired. Or maybe she didn't. I don't know what I want from her anymore. I'd like an apology. I'd like an acknowledgement that she hurt me. I'd like an acknowledgement that she still cares about me. I'd like an acknowledgement that what we had was special. But I'm not going to get that, so these tears are completely in vain. And it pisses me off that her boyfriend thinks that she's cheating on him with me. I don't know waht to tell him. I'd like to tell him to trust her, that nothing is going on between us, which nothing is. But I can't tell him to trust her when I don't.
I guess it's time to stop bellyaching. It's time for the confident me to reemerge and say to all "I have been brought back and redeemed." It sucks taht we all have times that we are vunerable. It also sucks that other people bring out the best and the worst feelings in us.
And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day.
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2005 9 February :: 5.07pm
Okay, so life isn't great. Yes it is, but at times like these it may seem that way.
All I can say is wow. I can't believe something like this would actually be said. I can understand where it comes from and why it comes and from who it comes, but I guess now I am speaking in riddles. I guess I should just come out and say it. I read what Jessie had to say about my sister and what she had to say about my family. You see, this is why you don't venture out. This is why you don't make yourself a social person. Both because you leave yourself out there for judgement, and you suffer the consequences of it. I prefer sitting here in my nice comfortable shell, getting to know few people deeper, than many shallowly. That way, the judgements that are to made about me in passing by people who may dislike me are not as hurtful. Mostly because they don't know me anyway, so why the hell should I care. let the truth shine out, instead of putting up this big elaborate scheme, shrouded by clothes and hair and popularity. I never needed that. All I needed was my brain, my mouth, and the good sense to know I was smarter than a lot of people in high school without actually having to prove it (although I did avail myself of the opportunity many times, only I know the extenet to which I did not).
I guess what I mean to say is that if I am a dick, I already know. If I treat some people like crap because their stupid, I already know that too. If I rationalize things that I do, things that aren't so necessarily perfect, I know I do that. And you know what, Michelle is the same way. She's the same way as me, it's just I've had my legs cut off at the knees more. I was never in Wind Ensemble until I earned it. I even was left in Concert Band when I thought I should have been in Wind Ensemble. I've failed my share of times. And I am stronger person for that. So go ahead and attack her. She's my sister, these things that are said I already know, because they're in me, and they're things I see everyday.
But do not, ever, attack my family. That is my root. That is the basis for my entire life. Not that we don't have problems, but don't wish them on us. I won't defend my sister because she needs to take the lumps, so long as it doesn't go too far. But don't come after my family, because I would gladly sacrifice my life for this great nation, and the only thing that I hold closer to my heart in this world is my family.
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Upchuck
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2005 3 February :: 12.58pm
For some reason I can't seem to concentrate. Now that things are actually resolved I feel much better, but now there are so many things swirling around in my mind. It's like I'm at the top of the earth and I have to decide which direction to go in. Everything in my head is so expansize right now. It wants to understand all that is and all that was and all that is to be. I want to understand. I was told last night that I would never understand everything, so there is no point in trying. Yes, there is. There always is a point in trying to understand those things which you don't. Maybe this is all part of growing up, realizing that the things you don't understand vastly out weight the things that you do. I don't want it like that. I want to be able to understand the nature of the universe. I want to understand the nature of people. I want to understand the nature of sex. It's all just up there swirling around in this giant brew of compassion and bewilderment. Made of heart, love, wisdom, logic, politics, history, and complex things that all fit together to form this beautiful tapestry of understanding. That's why history is an art. You have to paint it. That is why politics is a science because you have to win at it. It's all aobut what life is, what we want life to be, and what life isn't. I need to make a few decisions in the next few days. Decisions that are going to have a big impact on my life right now and in the future. I wish, I really wish you could all be part of that, but you all have your own motives (I'm not talking to everyone reading this, but a few of you and also others who I know won't be reading this but that I cannot have them be a part of either) and could influence my decision. I have to make this one for myself, not because of anyone else.
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