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2004 19 July :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Will I ever understand
It's that time again. The time when I have been talking to people, thinking about things. I'd like to think it's thinking globally, but it's not. It's so much more than that. Last night I could not get it off my mind. The way things fit together, the way the entire world fits together. It's just so big that my head can't fit it all. It's just a great drive in me to try to figure it out. To not give up the ghost of understanding. So many questions and not enough answers. So much faith, so much love, but so much heartbreak too. Why? I don't know but I can feel that there is a definite purpose. It's just the way I feel and I've expressed this before. I feel it in other people. There are other special things that all of us are meant to do. Why do I feel I'm here to do somehting great? Why do I feel that others are too? But some of you never think about that. You have different dreams, different ambitions. Now, I have to figure out how it all fits. Like I'm ever going to be able to do that.
Last night was hard for the simple reason that I tried to explain this all to her. It just didn't sink in. Whether it's because she thinks that this part of me is the weirdest part of my entire psyche or what, but it just doesn't resonate with her. Is she one of those people? Does it matter? I don't know the answer to many of those questions. BUt it's the simple fact that her response to my questions were to ask God when I get to Heaven. I can't wait that long. I don't have the patience. Much of it is that I already know God's answers to many of the things I have questions about, it's just that I cannot rectify them with what I see happening in the world. I just hope that I never find peace in this life.
Talking to Keith I did come to the realization that it's people. Everything is people. The political science courses I took studied the tendencies of different institutions. The media, International Organizations, governments, they are all made up of people. People are the basis. People can be dealt with. People have compassion. People have an ability to care for one another. Somewhere we lost that. Somewhere, at work, or where ever we lost the ability to think outside of that. We made things easier by being able just live our lives. To not think about the way the world is, or to focus on one particular area of how the world works without looking at the big picture. Do other people think like I do? And if they do, when did they start and when did they stop? When did the world stop caring for itself? When did we stop caring aobut other people?
"We must love one another or die" - Morrie Schwartz Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom
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2004 11 July :: 2.34am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: "Summer of '69" Bowling for Soup (although I prefer the John COugar Mellancamp version)
No dramatic turns here
So, after yesterday's ultimate and patheticly depressing encounter, I was determined to make today better. And it was. I'm not sure how much, and I don't know how far the things I said today are going to affect the future. Or if they're even remembered. The things I feel inside are so strange. I told her yesterday that the things I feel now for her I have never felt for anyone else. I love her, that is true, I have felt that before. It's just a different recipe. There is a lot more affection and tenderness. And a true respect for the person she is.
I did resolve however, to be content. Happiness has been getting to me. Really, I'm not sure if anyone would understand why I would reject happiness for contentment, but it is very simple. It's the simple fact that contentment is balanced, not too extreme. Happiness is very extreme and therefore uncontrollable. Whick then leads you to driving in the afternoon on a perfectly beautiful day balling your eyes out for no apparent reason, with this feeling of extreme sorrow. Or maybe I'm just really stressed out and it's been a long week.
I have to go back and look, but I don't remember all these entries that I am making about my love life being present before. BUt of course they were, they were about how lonely I was. It's just a result of pure resolve that I can be as strange and as seemingly happy as I am.
I think my mom thinks Kim and I are being, um, intimate. She said something about Kim being over at the house when no one is around. No. That does not automatically assume anything. I learned. I won't be coersed out of it this time. It is my firm belief that with my state of mind on the subject that that kind of stuff is a fatal gun shot wound to a relationship.
Oh well time to go to bed. Have to be to work in less than nine hours and I need sleep. Good night all.
gimmie a ring
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2004 9 July :: 2.40am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: "My Immortal" Evanesence
Emotions
Many of you have known me for years. Some for a few, others for awhile. Now though, inside, I don't recognize me. I don't recognize this old man inside of myself. I don't recognize that I may have wisdom. I don't recognize that my dreams are slowly coming together. I can't see past the trees to the forest.
No one at work has ever known me like this. Known me to be this emotional. Mostly because right now I am. And I don't know what it is. I haven't been like this before. I hate losing control of my feelings. I think back and all the time at work I've only lost control once. Once in nearly three years. But now it's.... well I don't know what it is. The middle of the day today I just wanted to cry. Not tears of joy or of saddness, but just tears. My heart got heavy, my throat tight and I wanted to cry. It's to the point that it's scary. I have let go of that control, but I thought I could do it selectively. I thought I could let my joy shine through. I thought I could let that go and keep the other stuff under control. But no, I can't. And it scares me because it is within me, it is me, and I can't control it. I can't control myself. That is the scariest thought of all to me. And right when I'm at the point of all this happiness, I don't want to be the one, nor the reason that it is all ruined.
gimmie a ring
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2004 7 July :: 1.21am
:: Mood: sore
What a disappointing day
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
MacBeth Act V, Scene V, l. 18-27
I've rediscovered an appreciation for Shakespeare that has been lost over the past several years.
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2004 6 July :: 12.02am
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: "What Will We Become"- Ashley, Zach and H2O
Politics
If you are not politically inclined you may just want to ignore this post altogether. Unfortunately it will reveal much of my bewilderment even at this point in my much decided, but very young political life.
I keep watching and hearing people yell back and forth at each other. Liberals yelling about conservatives and conservatives yelling at liberals. Mostly generally yelling inconsistencies and obscene half-truths and even downright lies. What really bothers me more than anything else is that all these people are denying those who don't have firm political stance, the chance to make up their mind based on real fact and not fanatical rhetoric. Should it matter that Kerry voted for allowing the President freedom to mobilize troops for Iraq, but then after consideration, changed his mind. What matters beyond that point. At that point that is what he felt was best for the country, now it's not. judge him on whether you agree with that position, not on the fact that he changed his mind. I'd much rather support a person who is willing to admit what they think are mistakes when they make them. Really this is about the Presidential election. Sure, I keep telling myself that Bush is the President, he's my President. But there is something about me that makes the emotion I feel towards him unsettling. Do I want to make an emotional choice? No, not really. I want to make a responsible choice. BUt it's funny that my vote only counts as much as someone who registers and votes and doesn't know the difference between the two of them. Doesn't understand the ramifications of the election. And doesn't have any idea, or even give a damn what becomes of the future of this country.
Secondly, the Michigan Constitutional Amendment officially banning same sex marriage is going to be on the ballot. Let's amend the state constitution and let that be the end of it. Please.
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