Upchuck
|
::
2004 2 June :: 11.30am
:: Mood: planning
Baseball
Well, given my enjoyment of baseball, and my seeming want to enjoy the company of others, I would like to plan a baseball get together. I was planning on taking a trip to Detriot this summer to watch the Tigers, now that they are actually good. I am, however, hesitant to drive to the most crime riddled city in the nation by myself.
I am openly inviting any of my friends who wish to be included in this venture. it could be on a weekend, or not. We could spend the night or not. The only requirments are that you have to be my friend, well not really, and you have to have money. Right now the most probable date looks like June 26 or 27. Night game followed by a day game. I have room in my car for three, or possibly four people. The gas trip is free because I was planning on making the trek anyways. So leave a comment here if you are interested.
gimmie a ring
|
|
Upchuck
|
::
2004 2 June :: 10.20am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "American Girls" Counting Crows
Life is like a box of chocolate, you always know your going to get chocolate
Thank you to the two of you here that seemed to either understand that yesterday was my birthday, or remembered it. I spent so much time talking about it in the last few weeks that I really thought she might call yesterday, but she didn't.
All I have to do is change my expectations. All of the sudden I have to change what I was expected. Now I'm disappointed that I'm not coming back to someone. I wasn't before, but now it's weird. It's about changing expectations. Now to know that there is not much to look forward to until August.......
In times like these I guess that there is only one thing to do and that is to look inward. Look on the inside and figure out how to improve me. How to improve who I am, what I think, what my mental state is, what my physical nature is. It is now time to improve me.
Which led me to take a walk last night. Just two miles, to the end of my road and back. While I figured I would get some exercise I did not realize what an enjoyable, nature realted and spiritual journey it would be. To most people a walk is a walk and they would not have noticed the things that I did, or maybe they would. They may, however, not have an appreciation for it. Total animals sighted comes to seven deer, five rabbits, two woodchucks, and a squirrel. The funny thing is that when I was coming back I was praying. I was asking God why I didn't feel His embrace. I feel His love constantly, but not his embrace. Then I looked down the road, and there was the first deer.
Some little yappy dog tried to attack me too. I yelled at it, and I was not scared in the slightest because with one kick I was fairly confident I could dispose of it.
gimmie a ring
|
|
Upchuck
|
::
2004 1 June :: 10.36am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Forever Young" - Rod Stewart
Birthday
Well everyone, I have now hit one more transition into adulthood. I am no longer a teenager, a fact that I have been dreading for weeks.
Twenty Years old is nothing special really. It just changes your frame of mind. Mostly because you can't use the excuse that you are just a dumb teenager anymore (despite the fact that I don't think I ever was). I just have to remember to contemplate the next year, and reflect on the previous, and not try to focus on an entire decade of my life. I can't say that it's amazing that I have made it to this point in my life. I have never been in a dangerous situation where my life was in peril. I still have not mastered the English language. I mean I write decent, but all the rest is just a mystery.
I've spent approximately one year of that decade in a relationship with a girl. Seems odd that when for 7.5 years of such a decade one spends absolutely enthralled by the opposite sex, wasting time and energy, that very little has come out of it.
That time has been one of other incredible growth though. In faith, intellect, and sheer personality. Well, truly most of that has come in the last five years, much of it in the last two, but it's a process.
I'd like to thank all of you who were out there for that crucial time in my life. Everything that you have contributed to who I am. Everyday should be a learning experience, and while I've always been very thick headed about learning lessons from others you all have taught me a great deal. For those of you who are about to effect my life in ways I have never dreamed of, be tolerant with me. I am a little slow and a lot stubborn. Be honest wiht me and realize that we all only get a chance to live life once, and I want the most out of it.
1 message |
gimmie a ring
|
|
Upchuck
|
::
2004 29 May :: 10.44am
:: Mood: still pissed off
:: Music: "Whiskey Girl" Toby Keith
When one little kiss means so little; the absence is a portend of things to come
So I successfully accomplished my goal. I collapsed in my bed and cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately I wake up this morning expecting myself to feel a little better, but I'm still almost as pissed off as I have been for the past five days now.
I find myself getting pissed for a myriad of reasons. Some have to do with her, some with others, and some with myself. Although, not normal for me, I really don't feel that down on myself. I mean there's always the obligatory, "What could I have done better?" But I'm not sure that that really applies in this situation. I should have been more aggressive. Perhaps, I don't know. Again, I lose because I can't relax and have fun. Story of my life huh? Why I can't do that is beyond me. In certain situations I can, but other times I can't and it really bugs me. Something to work on I guess. I need to work on partying.
I've already said his name, so what the hell. Darren really pissed me off because of what was going on. It was very obvious to everyone that he liked her. It's very obvious she liked him. I don't have a problem with that, except for the fact he's a loser, he was all over her when we were still together, and she did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it. I just wished she hadn't wasted this last week by not talking to me.
I guess that's what I'm really the most pissed about. I had to wait almost a week for her to figure out what she was going to say to me when I knew what was coming. Almost a whole week of being so tired and pissed that I couldn't see straight.
Usually when people go through something like this they swear off the opposite sex. Well I'm not. I think each situation is unique in it's own way. It's taken me a while to come to that conclusion. Sure I'm being pissed now and depressed, but unlike other times in my life I know it's all going to be okay. Eventually it will be okay. Nevermind that I've liked her for almost 6 months and something I'd been hoping for almost came true. There's go to be another meaning behind all of this and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it escape me this time.
Last time, it took me almost two year to recover. Even now, I'm not completely. Not to say I'd be back together again, but it took me awhile and I think there will always be a place there for you. In some ways, and it is hard for even me to believe, she's more screwed up than you are/were. Not as an insult or anything.
So I leave you now with a song title from Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally."
1 message |
gimmie a ring
|
|
Upchuck
|
::
2004 29 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd
Four days of this; Now I feel better
Life just sucks sometimes.
I'm alone again. Long story short, well neither really. It is a nor a long or short story. No story really. I suppose there will be one over the next few days as I try to hash out my emotions here, but eventually it should all get told.
I have to apologize to Connie first. Dear, I'm sorry. I made the wrong decision. While I didn't see what I saw with her, I'm sorry it happened the way it did. Hindsight is 20/20. Do I regret it? Not really, but I'm sorry how I handled the situation.
I'm very tired and very pissed. I got so pissed over the past four days that I forgot why I was pissed. I remembered that I was, and who at, just not why. Then I thought, oh good, I don't remember, maybe everything will be okay. Nope. Walked in tonight and it was the same old shit. Oh well, fuck it. I swear, if Darren hadn't been drunk I so would have hit him tonight. He's a nice guy, but he was messing around with her before we talked. That is fucked up, you don't mess with that. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm going to go ball my eyes out now and sleep. Two things that I've felt like doing for days. Have a nice night.
gimmie a ring
|
|