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2006 16 July :: 3.05am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Swamp Music" Skynyrd
So, I'm very tired right now. Jessa can attest to the rambling discourse that comes out of my fingertips tonight. It make take the form of fully formed sentences, punctuated in strange ways, or short choppy sentences. Ones which really aren't, not should they be............. and lots of ......'s
Anywho. When looking at places for receptions today. With Mica, my fiancee. Her sister and her friend Johanna (friend, not sister).
Then Mica went dress shopping. I almost cried when she left. Even the thought of her being in a wedding dress makes me all taery eyed. It makes me think of what that day is going to be like (don't worry, long ways off, in normal terms). But I just can't think of what it will be like when I see her for real. I don't know how I am going to make it. I guess I'll just have to do my best.
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2006 23 June :: 11.05am
So, I'm engaged.
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2006 4 May :: 12.29am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Ballad of Curtis Lowe" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Being tired
I don't know what it is anymore. This week I have ben so extremely tired. It may be recovering from Saturday night still, but I doubt it.
It was nice to let loose on Saturday night. It had been awhile. It's nice to go out, have some fun with some friends and not have to worry about anything. To know that everything is going to be taken care of and what tomorrow brings will just have to wait. That's part of what I feel that I will miss this summer that I had last summer. I discovered a different part of me last summer. The part that was mulled in a three month stretch of depression, but also someone who would show his pain, and wasn't afraid to act out. Someone who didn't have to be absolutely perfect all the time.
I guess that's the way I feel now. That I have to be perfect all the time. I didn't last summer. I didn't have all these concerns that I have now. All I had to worry about was trying to keep my mind off of what was giong on with Kim, what time I was playing that weekend, and making it to softball practice on time. I had class too, but it wasn't until after much of the summer had passed. Now, I feel like I have to be perfect, and that is going to lead to the inevitable crash that I experience because I don't feel like I'm doing anything good enough.
I've gotten much better about those times. They happen every so often and Ijust feel like it's coming. It's going to be one of those days that I just breakdown, cry myself to sleep, and then feel better afterwards. But the it just feels like the balance isn't there anymore. I had to miss a softball game today, for the first time in two years. I'm having serious doubts about my ability to go back to school after taking a semester off. Last summer, school was such a big part of redifining who I was. It was something that I drew confidence from. I hope it is now too. I just worry aobut it because there are other things I have to support me now. I guess I'll figure it all out and ina few days it won't be confusing anymore. I just wish it didn't have to be confusing in the first place.
P.s. I heard a rumor about a certain ex-girlfriend of mind trying out at a certain place's amateur night. Not sure if it's entirely true, but I definitely wouldn't doubt it.
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2006 6 March :: 6.11pm
So we're looking at stuff for my vacation in June. We plan on going to Beaver Island and I am really excited, but kind of scared at the same time. I'm worried that she's not goin to love it. I'm worried that it won't be the same to me now that it was when I was younger. The island was always a place to get away for me and I would spend hour after hour dreaming about living on the island.
Which brings me to the strange mood that I've been in most of the day. I think everything has been contributing to it all day. It kind of started with the Tyra Banks Show. Yes, I was flipping and I saw LL Cool J, so I stopped. But he was talking about learning to value yourself. Learning to ask for that promotion at work, or thinking that your not smart enough to take a certain class. He said that you have to realize your worth as ahuman being. I think sometimes I underestimate that. Plus, I was listening to Switchfoot today and the lyrics just hit me. We were meant to live for so much more. Am I living each day the way I want to live it? And everytime I ask myself that question I say no. But does everyone say no? It's not that I'm not happy, but my life is not where it is.
Sometimes I believe that my dreams for my life are a little impractical. I look at other people and they have solid career goals and they have practical professions in mind. I don't. I am the master of being practical, but when it comes to my dreams, I am not practical in the least.
And to all these questions and doubts, only time will answer my questions.
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2006 22 January :: 6.34pm
Kim got married last week. I guess that's the end of that.
So I was on the way home from Mica's grandparents house tonight and I had several thoughts, but there was one that particularly bothered.
It was, Am I doomed to live life like the little boy that I used to be? Not understanding social situations, therefore avoiding them because I don't feel comfortable?
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