upchuck
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2005 13 October :: 5.22pm
So, anyways. I feel so completely ran down today. It might have something to do with last night, but then again I think it has something to do with the way I've been living lately. Denise turned the scedule over to me this week and then I was told last night that it needed to be done by five today. It never had been before, so it just put a lot of extra pressure on me. Besides, yesterday was just stressful in it's self. I wish I could do something to tak it all away. I promised myself I wouldn't let it get to this point. I just need to take a step back and not invest myself in this job so much. Not get caught up in the pettiness of it. I mean, I didn't have a job for a long time, so it's not like they can get rid of me and I'll be no worse for it. I need that attitude back.
Oh, and honey, if you see this, I'm coming over before I go home tonight ;)
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 11 October :: 1.07pm
So I just finished my exam in Modern Latin America. It's kind of wierd. I think it was the first time I've ever been the last one to get done with an exam. Usually it's because you can't remember something, but this time it was because I remembered too much. I was suppossed to discuss the Latin American independence movement. Well that took me three pages. Then synthesize the capaigns for two countries. I got all the way through Mexico, but i barely gave Columbia a head nod because I was running out of time. THat was another two pages. Then I was suppossed to examine if they had met their goals. Which took another page, but could have taken longer. So now my hand is mucho tired from writing for 1.5 hours straight.
gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2005 10 October :: 10.03pm
I'm just struggling with these questions. Is it possibly to be just? Is it alright to sin and still feel on the moral high ground? Do even corrupt individuals have it in their hearts for acts of kindness?
I don't know the answer to any of this. I do know that we're all flawed. All lost in our own way. But what to do about it, I don't know. What is the meaning of learning about high minded ideals, about process and procedure, if it does nothing to help the world? If it doesn't not help our fellow souls. Why spend our time dwelling on the things we can't do, the things we can't make right, instead of the things we can?
I guess these are deep probing questions. Something that I want to know and feel from my heart and from my soul.
Somedays I feel like an abject failure, because of the things I haven't been able to accomplish. The people that I have failed to help, the life that I have failed to lead, and the things I didn't even try at haunt on those days. But today was different. Today I feel a supreme confidence that I can do anything I set my mind to. But what to det my mind to. It feels like it's such power that it shouldn't be wasted. I could do anything, anything at all. But I'm still lost.
Still lost in the desert, waiting to be led into the promised land. The place where I will be able to see my children grow. That's where I want to go. And if now, this is about confidence, then I have supreme confidence. I have supreme confidence that He will lead me there, and when I arrive, when we arrive, it will be us as a complete people who will have their heads held high. And we will look at one another and be able to express that which will save us all. Love.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 6 October :: 8.46am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: The Allman Brothers Band
So Mica's been on me to update my journal when it's only been a few days. If everyone I knew update their journal every day I don't think things would work so well.
Anyway, I've been having a lot of very bad dreams lately. Dreams where either people are out to get my friends (as in the white Mazda at work dream), or there out to get me (in the field trip turned into interrogation session, in which I am labeled a communist spy). Other variants include me losing my identity. I'm not sure what they mean. The two that I had this morning I woke up and it felt like I hadn't moved at all. That's kind of scary too. It might be the fact that I'm a little stressed out right now. Well, at least compared to what I was the last few months when I had absolutley nothing demanding anything of me.
I really wish that I could capture that feeling I had the night after I gave my presentation this summer. It was just that good feeling where you know that you nailed it. You did everything right when no one was expecting you to. That night was pure bliss, unlike Tuesday when I got out of class. I thought I had a fairly good plan coming in, but I asked some questions, and I don't think anyone was really into answering them. I wanted to have a good presentation, instead it was just as stupid as the rest of them.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 30 September :: 9.55am
I think the gay thing is nice. It really exposes the problems in the argument against gay marriage. But what you don't understand is that in this country, no matter how stupid you make people feel, they'll keep voting the way they want to. In addition, you can't get laws overturned by poking holes in how the law got passed. It's already passed and you have to give solid reasons to overturn it.
I will also say this. No matter how stupid it may make me feel, I don't support gay marriage. I don't have a reason. It's not that I don't like gay people. Yes, of course I feel uncomfortable around gay guys. To me, that's almost natural. Until I remind myself that I'm not wholy attractive to very many girls out there, so why would I be attractive to a gay guy. I know a lot of gay people, and in general I like the people themselves. What I don't like is the movement, the rhetoric behind it. It really bothers me that they are attacking the fundamental unit of society. Really it all comes back to a religious perspective. But the stereotype is that homosexuals are promiscuious. That stereotype could be further from the truth because there are many homosexuals who are 100% committed to their relationships, more so than even heterosexual couples. BUt if you follow the logic (or illogic) of the stereotype. If Homosexuals are already breaking the societal expectation of normal sexual behavior (which for the anti-gay marriage vote runs something along the line of celibacy) then what is stopping them then from breaking all the norms. Which is why homosexuals are portrayed as being promiscuous.
But I think I've drifted from my point. Which is to say that I do not feel comfortable endorsing gay marriage. I voted No on prop. 2 last year for only one reason. And I wished more people would have looked at it carefully and considered the consequences before they made it law. That reason was that it also closed the door on civil unions. I don't believe that the title of marriage should be given to gay couples, but they most certainly deserve the same rights as other people. To me, one is a legal quesiton (visitation, adoption, and inheritance rights) and the other is a socio-moral question (the title of marriage). So there. Despite having tried to think this one out, that is the conclusion that I have come to, so go ahead and blast away.
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