a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2006 15 March :: 1.21 pm

Richelle and Laura were my closest friends for a very long time, and I guess no matter how far apart we drift, I know they'll always be there in some sense. As Danny says, I know they'll be at my wedding some day and I'll be at theirs. I knew that the two of them going to brazil together would result in them coming back even more ultra-close than before and I would kind of be out of the loop, which was really saddenning but I had made my own friends so could accept it. Galen and I went out with them a couple weeks ago though, and I honestly try to make an effort to keep it how it always used to be, but surprisingly enough, I think I've actually outgrown them. They are very good people and the whole time I've known them (which is pretty much my entire life with Richelle) I've been able to talk to them about absolutely everything without holding back or being embarrassed. I always loved that and do miss having that very much, but the dynamics have simply changed. They say people change most in their 20's and I guess I'm finally starting to see. I suppose I was just being naive in thinking we would all change together.

Don't get me wrong, in the last year alone I've made some absolutely amazing friends, and close friends at that (love you carly!). But I can definitely see the difference between what I have with them and what I used to have with my old girls. I can't say that one is better than the other, it's simply a maturing of relationships I suppose.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this was, possibly to mourn the loss of our younger bonds, or simply to say goodbye to them. I feel like I'm in an uncertain transition between the friends I used to have and finding the type of friends I want to have. I've always had a hard time letting go, but I guess it's made a little easier when the other side has already let go of you.

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:: 2006 15 March :: 1.19 pm

you can try but my heart doesn't waver...
I went to lunch with Danny yesterday, my apology for skipping out on him the night before. We started talking about what will happen when Galen leaves, and he gave me hands down the absolute worst pep talk anyone could. At first it was the usual stuff, that long distance never works for anyone, you're wasting your time, blah blah blah. That honestly didn't bother me at all. Even if that's what he really thinks I know he's just pushing it hard on me because he wants a chance once Galen is gone (he didn't get one before Galen, I don't know why he thinks he can get one after). Also while I agree long distance cannot work indefinitely, two years is not that long of at time. Laura and Alberto even lasted longer than that. I also don't consider it a waste of time even if it doesn't work. Danny thinks living up your college years means hookups and parties and casual dating, so I can see why he would think holding out for a committed relationship would seem to him a waste at this age. However, we have very different values. Maybe it's because of my parents, growing up watching how unhappy not having a true kind of love can make them, but to me finding someone I can love as deeply as I love Galen is the ultimate accomplishment. Even academic degrees and careers are secondary to me and partying with friends is a distant third. Even if we don't work out in the next year, two years, or five years, I would never dream of considering that wasted time. To me that's the best possible way your time can be spent. Finding and having love is the very purpose we live for, how can you ever regret having it?

So when he gets on this track, trying everything he can to convince me it won't work and I shouldn't bother trying, I just look away and nod my head along because it's not worth arguing. He wants to believe it can't work and no one will ever be able to convince me that it can't. Even if I believed it wouldn't, it is impossible for me to just turn away and not even try. I'm going to hold onto it - onto him - as long as I can.

Unfortunately Danny kept going. He then started accusing me of having a phobia of being alone. I pointed out that I was alone for a year before going out with Galen (besides a two month stint with David - much like our last one), but Danny pointed out how much I hadn't liked being alone. While that is true (and after all, how many people really do like being alone?), I didn't jump into something with the first guy I met simply so that I wouldn't be alone. Relationships are the one thing that I can't do half-assed, I have to be in it all the way, which is why I gave up trying to be with David, much as I care about him my heart just wasn't in it, I just didn't feel that connection. I had plenty of opportunities over a whole year to go out with guys, Danny himself is proof of that. If I was truly phobic of being alone and was with Galen now only for that reason, then I wouldn't have been, I would have been with one of them. But I not only held out all that time, I also made no attempt to look. I didnt meet Galen in a club, just handing my number out to anyone, I met him randomly through Carly (several times actually). So what Danny said did make me wonder, but turns out he was wrong again (not surprising since he's not exactly great at understanding people) and it was possibly simply another ploy. I may not like being alone, but I'm strong enough to stay that way for however long it takes for that inevitable lightening to strike. Whether it's naive or not, I have faith, and that is what's going to make this work. It'll be hard, I know that, but it's simply impossible to imagine not having him at all.

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:: 2006 15 February :: 5.02 pm

okay, amazing valentines. everything was amazing, so perfectly tailored to everything i like

Galen worked during the day, told me to come over about 8:15. When i got there he had a bunch of cupcakes on plate with "happy valentines day" and "i love you" spelled out in icing. As an appetizer he had salad with absolutely nothing in it just how i like it and had specifically went out and bought italian dressing for me (he never eats it himself). Also for an appetizer was crab legs. We had been talking about getting clams from publix for a while now so dinner was 3 dozen clams cooked in a sauce he made himself and pasta with the same sauce. The food was amazing. Dessert involved my first present. I had thought we were probably gonna end up going to melting pot, but he beat me. His first present to me was my very own cast iron fondue set. Inside the box with the fondue set was a bag of ghiradelli white chocolate chips and two small bottles of amaretto. He had cut up pound cake on a plate in the shape of a heart. My second present was a spa certificate to cloud 9 spa for a hot stone massage. Oh yes, and roses of course.

...
i told you i was going to marry this boy

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:: 2006 2 February :: 5.43 pm

Saturday will be six months for Galen and I. I'm going to marry this boy. I've never said that about anyone else before and I feel with every fiber of my being this is right. No, we're not engaged, we don't need to be for me to know what's coming. Sooner or later, we will be married. We have such deep respect for each other, love each other so much it brings tears of happiness to our eyes (as sappy as that is) and act like immature, lovesick little kids when we're together. We've gotten into food fights in 80% of the restaurants we've eaten in. We've been living together for the last month, with no end of it in sight. I feel like my whole day is spent just waiting for him to get home. I keep waiting for him to get sick of me but as of now he can't get enough. We know how to tease each other, we both have such great compatible sense of humors. We also know how to fight though, and we're great at getting past it. That part is most important to me, that we aren't afraid to admit problems to each other and get mad at each other and nothing hurtful is ever said even then, and we always know how to talk it out and get past it without holding any grudges. He took me horseback riding for christmas. It wasn't just some place around the corner either, he called every place in this half of the state and found the best one to be about two hours south of here on back roads, how perfect is that? We drove down there, had an awesome two hour ride, then decided to head east to the beach. Once we got there (stopping for dinner at an italian restaurant where we promptly got into another food fight) it was too cold to actually lay out so we drove north to st. augustine, the only place you can drive your car right onto the beach. After laying out at in the car on the shore we finally headed back to gainesville, completing our all-day square trip around the state. I went down to south florida with him when he visited FIU (wasn't impressed by it) and this morning he asked me to come with him to visit University of Georgia next weekend so we can go camping there.

On the way back to gainesville from our road trip, we had an hour long discussion about weddings, and we pretty much have the same ideas for how we went it to be. I'm helping Maria plan her wedding with Nate next summer, even drove out to St. Augustine the other day with her to take pictures of possible places for the ceremony/reception. At the same time though, I can't help planning mine.

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:: 2005 27 November :: 6.38 pm

Richelle's dad died last weekend. A man I've known for 12 years. She told me one day that he was really sick and two days later he had passed away. It was too fast, I couldn't believe it. Why didn't she tell me earlier how sick he was? I know how close-mouthed she's always been about family issues but this was such a big one to not talk about. Then again she probably did talk about it with laura and daniela, I just wish she had let me be there for her as well. I asked her if she wanted me to come up to new jersey for the funeral. To be honest I didnt want to, I knew it was just going to be all family and pretty awkward for me but I also knew it was something I had to do for her, I've known that family too long. She told me the same thing she told Alejandro though, that she'd rather we didn't fly up and just wait for the service that they were going to have down here in a couple weeks. The day he died I cried more than I did when my grandpa passed two years ago. Even still I don't think I've accepted it completely and won't until I see Richelle. She gets back to gainesville tuesday or wednesday. Laura and Daniela bought her a cat, which was very sweet, but since she lives in a dorm the cat is obviously going to have to live with Laura and Daniela so I don't know how much Richelle is going to be able to think of it as her cat. It is something to make her smile though and I guess that's enough.

Work is bad, not because of the people - although tensions are running high among the managers - but because I'm not making anything there. It doesn't look like I'm going to be able to stay there which really sucks because job hunting in this town is terrible and I actually liked the people that I worked with.

I have a new favorite quote: "Being in love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to." When I first heard that quote I considered how true it was but lately I've come to believe it even more as I feel myself falling in love. I had a fight with Galen friday night which continued saturday, a stupid fight that had no real basis, but the effect it had on me scared me. The hurt that he didn't seem to care and the anger and frustration was incredible, it made me miserable. I'm terrified of him for that reason, for what he's capable of doing to me. Very idiotically I actually told him that, admitting that I love him. He didn't say it back, which I don't know if I was relieved or disappointed about. It would have been nice to hear but I was glad he didn't say it just for the sake of saying it back. It proves that when he does say it he'll actually mean it. I probably shouldn't have said it, it took me more than three months just to get him a couple weeks ago to commit to a "serious relationship" which basically means we keep exactly the way we already were and just introduce each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. No, I'm not going to second-guess myself. I've held back from people for way too long and I'm not going to do that with him. Hell we would never be together if i did because he holds back worse than I do. You should never be sorry for telling someone how you feel, it was something he needed to know even if he didnt want to. This morning he alluded to being in love with me too but wouldn't commit to saying it. I'm not going to push him into anything, it loses it's meaning and feeling if I do. I'm seeing him again in a few minutes, we'll see if he braves out saying anything else. It was amazing to see how hard it was for him to say "I missed you" last night. He said he didnt say that much and it was very obvious to see. I'll never ask him but i wonder every time, what happened to him to make him close off so much?

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:: 2005 24 October :: 8.03 pm

Social Psych test tomorrow....
I'm procrastinating studying right now so this seems like a great time to update.

Work at the Pontiac Tavern has taken off and so far going pretty well. I wasn't really making money the first couple weeks because the business had just opened up and not built up a clientele yet, but lately it's been picking up and i've been making good money with less than half the stress I had on a nightly basis at kotobuki. The people that I work with are great too, make it a lot of fun, although jeff (one of my managers) has made his desire to sleep with me incredibly clear and on several occasions. So far I've been able to hold him off while keeping things friendly and the work environment good but this could very easily become a major problem later down the road.

Havent been seeing much of Richelle or Laura lately, or in fact hardly at all in the last month. All of their time is spent traveling to see the twins, on the phone with the twins, or just hanging out with each other. Pretty boring to me who goes out pretty much every night. I've lost interest in even trying, if they want their lives to be consumed by their boyfriends it really makes no difference to me, I just spent the last seven months without them and had an awesome time with the friends I've made.

School is going alright, although my accounting class is kicking my ass. I'm just being too damn lazy about it, but not that motivated to change.

My dad was just sent to New Orleans. He called me last week to tell me that BellSouth was sending him for six months and that he was leaving the next day. He stopped in Gainesville on his way up there and we went out to lunch but that wasn't near long enough. I hate that he had to go but it was the right thing to do - if he hadn't volunteered they would have sent a lower seniority guy who had two little kids at home. I respect him for that but it came at pretty bad timing, he just bought a house in fort pierce (he's been planning on moving out for a couple months.) I miss him like crazy though, and it's going to suck going home against mom and Darcy without him there as an ally.

With Galen, things are better than ever, although not without their little problems along the way. We went rock climbing last week, we go out with his friends, he cooks for me a couple times a week (since I'm incapable of feeding myself) and we have an incredible time doing it all. I love how playful and stupid we can be with each other, I love how we never run out of conversation or jokes. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I'm taking him to Orlando to see Cirque De Soleil and out to Pleasure Island afterwards. Carly and Gil will meet up with us to go out and I'm going to see if any of his friends would be willing to drive down to Orlando for it too. We still havent really talked about what will happen when he leaves or even what we are now. We see each other several times a week, have all the elements of a relationship, are completely exclusive, and yet niether of us has referred to other as girlfriend or boyfriend. As happy as I am about where we are now and I'm not rushing to slap a label on it, i don't care about them, but I am slightly worried about him being intimidated about how much I'm doing for his birthday. The tickets I'm buying arent cheap, and he knows that, but I always like to go all out for someone I love and in fact enjoy the chance to do so, there's no hidden meaning behind my doing something that big for his birthday.

There's pretty much a lot of things that have yet to be seen as to how they'll turn out - Galen not being the only one - but I pretty much just have to wait and see what time brings.

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:: 2005 12 September :: 11.49 pm

I've never been good at balancing. Some aspects of my life are always suffering when others are doing so well. This is the first time in a long time - for as long as I can remember actually - when everything has finally come together and I can be proud of where I am and all that I'm doing.

Only a week after the last post I ended up quitting my job at kotobuki. I had worked saturday and sunday nights - and both nights by myself. To say it was stressful would be the understatement of the year. I made excellent money - over 300 dollars in two nights - but Joel made it so terrible that the working conditions were no longer worth the money. I wouldn't even be making that much anymore once school started and he started putting more servers on each night. I already had a new job lined up anyway - carly and danny's friend Jeff is pretty much the hook-up guy for the entire city of gainesville. He's worked in almost every bar/club downtown and can get you into anything. He's managing a new restaurant that would be opening downtime and invited me to work there. With that offer in mind I wasn't about to put up with Joel's shit anymore. The best thing is that the job hasn't even started yet, it's not opening for another week and I'm just starting training tomorrow evening. My scholarship money came in pretty early too so I've pretty much had a three week paid vacation from work with a job lined up and ready when the money starts to run low.

In the meantime, school is also going well. I'm actually going to all of my classes (this shocks even me who's never attended more than a two classes in five days). Unfortunately three of the four classes I'm taking happen to be project-requiring classes, and these projects are very big and time-consuming. Another amazing fact: I'm actually ahead of schedule on them. I only have two classes each day and I'm consistently spending the rest of the entire day running the errands that I have to and working on everything that's coming up. For once I'm actually on top of everything, nothing hanging over my head. The best part is that I'm so on track that all my nights and my whole weekends are free to do what I want. This is particularly good because of 1)football season! and 2) galen works full-time so the only times I get to see him is nights and weekends

Galen and I have been together for six weeks now and I couldn't be happier with him. We hit a tough spot about a week and a half ago but to be honest it was an inevitable complication that we had to get through and thankfully we did doing better now than we did before. I had noticed him being distant for a while, not while he was with me but in regard to calling me and although I invited him to almost everything I did he always had something else to do. He was always sweet about it but I still wondered why and finally called him on it. His explanation was exactly what I thought it was about. He's going to be leaving town when he's accepted to grad school and although it's not incredibly soon (several months at least), it's still early enough that he's afraid of getting into anything too serious and wanted to try and although he didnt want to stop seeing me, he wanted to try and keep some distance. I had known about him wanting to move from the beginning so i couldn't be upset about it, I just hadn't really allowed myself to think about it. I understood where he was coming from, what we had was great but the timing was bad, creating complications he had been hoping to avoid in his moving. I told him that although I agreed that he made sense, I personally was not capable of continuing to see him without developing serious feelings and I therefore could not see him anymore. This did not go over well for either of us and we were on the phone for over an hour (would have been longer but I finally hung up) and I was touched that he got much more choked up than I did. I tend to feel distress and heartache almost entirely as internal pain, such as my heart actually stings and my entire body collapses, I don't express much outright and it takes a while for the tears to set in. Therefore someone on the phone with me may not get the impression that i'm very upset at all. I had suspected that this conversation or something like it would take place for a while now and had decided that the safest and smartest course would then be to just not see him at all anymore. What niether of us had counted on was just how hard that was really going to be. I only lasted a day before I told him I wanted to talk to him. I already wanted to take back everything I had said the night before and give it a shot while we still had time. It took us a couple nights to finally synch up, he wanted to talk to me too but things got in the way, but when he inally got here that night and I hadn't seen him in almost a week I couldn't bring myself to start talking about something so hard. The entire purpose of him coming over that night was so that we could talk again about what we were going to do about this situation but even though he ended up staying the whole night and pretty much the entire next day we only talked about our situation for about a minute and a half late that first night. I told him that although he was leaving it wasn't going to be for several months or possibly even a year and that seemed like a hell of a lot of time to waste that he was just around the corner. He said he wanted to be with me but didn't know what to do because he was falling too far too fast and that would make everything harder. When he left the next evening he still hadn't clarified it and I wasnt going to ask him. I wanted him to decide what he wanted and I would wait to see what he did next. I was pleasantly surprised when it appeared that out of the all or nothing choice it seemed to have been narrowed to he had opted for all. He started calling or even just texting me every night to say goodnight and invited me out with his friends for the first time and asked if i wanted to go to melting pot the next night, or fishing with his friend that weekend or take me out to see his favorite swamps that are so gorgeous this time of year. Hearing him talk about us in a way he never had before was wonderful, he made it clear that he was right there with me wanting to give us a shot and see what happens. We haven't talked about him leaving again since and we probably won't for a long time. We'll deal with it when it happens and not worry about it until then.

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:: 2005 16 August :: 8.08 pm

A month is too long to try and remember from day to day so i'm going to break it into catagories.

Work
Really not much to say here, worked six weeks worth of lunches and made alright money considering i only worked four hours a day. Back to nights now though and making considerably more. The other half of our serving team is finally back in town and it's going to be weird working with them again, for the last few months I'd gotten pretty used to it just being me maria and rich.

School
starts next week. i refuse to even consider it until then

Friends
bigger section here. Carly has passed all her exams and is now preparing to move to orlando which is sad. It's strange that I made this whole life without Richelle and Laura and now that they're back I can't even integrate them that well because a lot of them have left or are leaving gainesville. They probably won't ever meet Marty and it'll probably be a while before they meet Carly. Speaking of Richelle and Laura they've both been back for a couple weeks now and I've been coming home every week to see them. I had to work this last weekend but Galen and Wes (old friends of Carly's) were going to Galen's beachhouse in St. Augustine for the weekend and Carly and I really wanted to go so we came up with the idea of going and meeting them there after I got off work, even though I had to work again saturday night. we were only there for about 13 hours before we had to drive back so i could go to work but it was so much fun that we ended up doing it again when I got off work sat night. I had to leave again sunday afternoon because it was Richelle's birthday and of course I had to be there for it. I got home just in time to rest for about an hour before taking off for Delray beach to meet up with the gang but it was so nice hanging out with everyone again. All in all it was a very kickass weekend.

Love Life
Now this has been interesting and somewhat complicated. I've pretty much considered myself with David for a while now but we both knew there were some issues there we needed to deal with and I wasn't sure how to do it. I'd been thinking for a while of just getting out of it altogether but feel too guilty about being so quick to hurt him instead of trying harder. Then a couple weeks ago, while I was still in Gainesville, Carly and a bunch of her friends (including Galen) and i went out to Dragonfly to celebrate Carly passing her last exam that stood between her and her graduation. I didn't know anyone except Galen and this girl Audra I had met a handful of times through Carly and Carly was busy with her friends from class so it was Galen and Audra and I pretty much talking with ourselves. I had only met Galen a couple of brief times and had thought he was cute but it was a fleeting meeting and I hadn't pursued it or really thought about it. That night though I had a great time talking to him and teasing with him. After dinner Carly, Galen and Audra and I went to see wedding crashers (me for the second time) and afterwards Galen and exchanged numbers in case "Carly was out of town or not answering her phone" since it's only been hanging out with her that we've seen each other. The next day I convinced Carly and Galen to come to melting pot for dessert with me because i was craving it like crazy, but in a stroke of luck (or Carly's genius) Carly cancelled at the last second and Galen and I were left in a very obvious date situation. Due to a mixup with the server we ended up getting both of our desserts for free and we stayed there talking for about two and a half hours. We went to eight seconds from there and tried to call carly to come but she had passed out (thankfully i think now). We went back to my house and laid out on the hammock for a long time. He didn't end up leaving until after 5 and i felt bad because he had to be at work by 8 the next morning (he didn't actually make it there until 11). The next day I took off for south fla and that night was Danielle Harder's birthday so a bunch of high school people hung out at Bru's Room and our own gang went out clubbing on clematis a little later (yes i got into a 21 club without any ID, i love being with a group with connections). Sat night I went out with Alex which is always a good time - he and his friends are always so damn funny - but he suddenly turned serious on me and started confessing feelings from the last few years. He even kissed me and i was so in shock from hearing this from a guy i considered as my brother for the last twelve years that i didn't know what to do but kiss him back. We both said that we loved each other and i do love him, always will. I think there is a very strong possibiltiy that we will end up together someday but it's not right now. The next night was my night with Danny. First we went bowling and I had expected to be humiliated like i was last time playing with him and Marty but for some reason I was actually playing pretty well and he was having a very bad night with it so it was actually competitive. I still lost a bet for a lap dance though. We stopped at a pool hall next and i kicked his ass to erase my lap dance bet and finally we went to his house. I think we were there for a two or three hours doing absolutely nothing but laughing. we sat in those chairs in his backyard and laughed so hard i wish i knew what it was about. By the end of the night he too had kissed me. I drove home thinking about the fact that I had now been kissed by three guys in four days not even including David the weekend before. I didn't even feel bad about it though because they were all guys that I cared about, even loved one or two.

Since that weekend however things have been pretty sorted out. Alex has gone back to UCF with us now closer than ever but with the understanding that it isn't our time yet to be together. I'm meeting David tonight to talk with him about us not seeing each other anymore, although I know we will still be friends afterward, he himself has said that we would be and there's no reason we shouldn't be. Galen I am absolutely crazy about, even more so after this weekend in St. Augustine. Everything feels so natural with him, so right that it's actually scaring me, it's been a long time since I've been this excited about a guy. I had thought that the kiss with Danny had been just a random occurrence due to past attractions but didn't really mean anything deeper but now he's been acting weird. He knows I've started seeing Galen and how much I'm starting to feel for him and he's suddenly trying harder than he ever has to pull me back to him. He literally begged me for hours sat night - including coming in to eat while i worked - to stay in gainesville with him and not go back to st augustine. Since I've been home too he's made me swear that we're finally going to do our Red Lobster dinner that we've been talking about for five months but which I could never seem to get him to do.

It is Galen that I want and will be with though. I've waited a long time for someone like him that I feel this strongly for instantly. While in St Augustine Wes asked Carly how much she thought I liked Galen because, Wes warned, Galen falls in love fast and apparently Wes is concerned I might hurt him. I actually laughed when Carly told me this at the irony of it - I was so crazy about Galen that I was actually terrified for the first time in years that he was only mildly interested in me. If Wes' warning was any indication of something Galen had said to him about his feelings for me I couldn't be happier, even if i am still a little nervous.

I'll probably be updating more frequently with so much starting - school next week, having my girls finally back in gainesville, Galen so ya'll are gonna have to be bored three times a month instead of one.

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:: 2005 19 July :: 12.59 am

Almost three weeks later...

I can't believe I've been back in gainesville for three weeks already, seems so fast.

Laura is coming home saturday! richelle won't be back until the first week of august but i can't wait for laura! It actually seems a little weird with them coming back, I feel like I've built this whole new life without them. It's going to be interesting trying to integrate the two.

Haven't really been doing much around Gainesville, it was touch and go for a week after I got back whether or not I would get my job back. Since I wasn't working I played a lot of pool and slept a lot. There's just not much to do since Carly, Maria and Alejandra are the only ones here. Maria has work on all the shifts that I don't and I've been working lunches alone for the third week in a row. Carly never leaves her studying at Starbucks unless she's in class or clinicals so she never has time to hang out. Alejandra has class during the day and goes out drinking at night. Surprisingly though I haven't been too bored. God knows there's enough around this house to keep me busy. I've gone on two thorough cleaning binges and everything is still falling apart. Our water heater was broke for four days and cost a shit load of money for a new one.

Dave got back from France last week and was only going to be in town for a few days before heading back to Canada. Since I wouldn't get to see him again until Christmas, and Danny and Steve were both bugging me to come down and visit, I had Maria and Rich cover a couple of my lunch shifts and took off for south florida tuesday afternoon. Tuesday night I went out with Dave first right after I got into town. We got dinner, talked at the beach and of course topped it off with some ice cream. Next I made the journey down to fort lauderdale to Danny's house. We watched a little bit of the Girl Next Door and spent a lot of time outside not really doing anything but talking and looking for the bunnies they have in their backyard. Somehow it ended up that I owed him a massage (he caught me sneaking vanilla wafers from my car without any intention of sharing them with him). Apparently i'm pretty good at massages, Maria had raved enough about them at work that not only she but Chad as well each paid me 40 bucks for an hour massage. Not bad making eighty bucks in two hours in one night. Anyway Danny was curious about my skill so we climbed up in his boat and i broke out the massage oil. I ended up leaving his house about 4:45 and making it to Steve's by 5:30 in the morning. It made no sense for me to be staying with him, especially since I was out seeing other people but I think no matter where I went or with who that night he wanted to make sure that I came home to him. After eight months of being broken up you'd think he would get over the possiveness.

Wednesday we went out to the beach and it was wonderful. The weather was beautiful although incredibly hot but that made the water so perfectly warm you wanted to cry. Nothing has ever felt that good. We were there for two hours and spent nearly the entire time in the water. That night we went out to the movies and were going to see Fantastic Four but ended up at the last second going over to Batman instead, a second time seeing it for both of us. Damn that's a good movie.

Thursday we didn't do anything and he went off to work at 4. I went and saw Dave for the last time and we finally finished watching Frieda, the movie that we started watching two years ago. I don't even know now if i liked it. I was supposed to stay in south florida until the next day (friday) but decided to take off shortly after leaving Dave's house. I left steve a letter explaining that I had already left for gainesville and my reasons and I was gone. I felt shitty about walking out like that on him but it would have been worse if i stayed.

I haven't talked to Dave nearly at all since 4th of July. He called me the other night to say that his internship was over, he was leaving the next day to meet his family in california. We were only on the phone a minute, he was partying with some friends, but it didn't really matter, I think we're both waiting to see each other before talking about what we really have to.

My cousin Barbara was having a birthday party for her son Dylan yesterday (sunday) and Mom and I both seized on that as an opportunity for shopping in Orlando. I was going to meet her in Orlando on Saturday and at the last minute Alejandra decided to come with me. She had had a really rough night the night before (I had been woken up at 5:30 in the morning to such loud crying to the point of screaming). She and my mom got along really well, she made me buy actual nice make-up that she demanded I wear all the time and she pretty much took care of me and my shopping needs the entire time. She found me some really good jeans though and the make-up looks great I'm told so i'm not complaining. The dinner that night was incredible, the filet mignon perfect, and it was a good weekend all around.

No more procrastinating sleep, having to work in the morning sucks

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:: 2005 30 June :: 12.09 am

No i don't know why it's been so long since I've updated and for once I'm not going to try and come up with an excuse. Get over it.

Finals went pretty well, my end grades for spring semester were 3 A's, a B+ and a B, which landed me on Dean's List *takes a bow* thank you very much.

After finals I stayed up in gainesville until about may 20th doing nothing but sleeping, working, and playing pool. I'm getting pretty good actually, have my own cue stick and all.

Coming home was nice, it'd been a long time since I've been back and was definitely missing it. The only downside was that there really wasn't many people around. David was still DC, my girls still in Brazil, other people on vacation and so on. My birthday was incredible, jet skiing all day with Marty and Danny. I brought the knee board out with us and took them to this private beach I had found a while. The water was clear and warm, the day was beautiful and everything was perfect. The three of us proclaimed that beach as the ultimate paradise, we were just an awe of how amazing everything was. I got burnt to a crisp and we ended up leaving the kneeboard and two life vests at the dock when we left but it was all worth it. That night I went out with Dave to shoot some pool and good food at Bru's Room. This has become a tradition with us.

Yes Danny and I have become good friends again. After quite a long time of not talking to each other he texted me one random night at 3 in the morning and we talked til 5:30. He and Marty are the only ones I really hung out with in south florida besides Dave and Steve a few times. There was one night that Marty and I went to the comedy club together and then Danny met us later at Marty's house. We drank, we laughed (a lot) we went swimming and jumping off the dive board, we crowded into the jacuzzi together in Marty's bathroom, we talked about an obscene amount of things, we were perfectly happy with the three of us until 6 in the morning. Finally when Danny and I tore ourselves out of Marty's house we still weren't ready to go home and had breakfast at McDonald's on my tailgate. I absolutely love those boys, I think we would make an awesome three-some couple, I'm madly attracted to Marty and I love being around Danny and they both love each other. I can't believe Marty is leaving tuesday! That's so soon! The other night started out with a plan to go clubbing in Miami with Carly and ended up just the three of us going bowling. Afterwards Danny and I ended up sneaking onto a private beach in the middle of the night so he could smoke his cigar and we could lay in the sand. I don't yet understand how I feel about Danny.

About a week after my birthday my mom and I went to New Orleans. She had a seminar there and didn't want to go alone. I'm pretty sure I was her last choice of company but no one else could make it and I'd never been so I joined in. We hit the mall of course and it's huge with some really cool stores. I bought so much crap I needed another suitcase. It's some really fun stuff though like a hammock for the porch, the coolest lighter I've ever seen, an awesome clock, fun signs for the fence and a shirt that fills with color in the sun. I couldn't get into the casino there but we did hit Bourbon Street a couple of nights and had some truly excellent food at all the Brennan restaurants. We even got some guys to buy drinks for us.

A week after that the whole family (plus grandpa) headed to virginia. David took a greyhound over from DC to stay at the resort with us, although for only about thirty hours. We had a good time but also some awkwardness. He apparently believes that I'm not comfortable with him yet (I've known him for years and even dated him before, if i'm not comfortable with him who can i be with?) and that i'm just using him to hold me over until i find something better. It's disturbing that he thinks that and I feel terrible that he does, but what's scarier is that I don't know if he's right.

I'm back in gainesville now as of monday night and not quite sure yet if i still have a job (i'll find out tomorrow). Then again i'm not even sure if I want my job back. Anyway with all this time on my hands I've been able to do a lot. I got all my unpacking done, went swimming, did some cleaning, put together the hammock, did some shopping, saw a movie and even started working out. I made eighty bucks last night in two hours giving massages. Maria had raved about my massage ability to Chad and they each paid me 40 bucks for an hour massage. I must be good, that's nice to know.

One reason it's taken me so long to write this update is because I've been talking/teasing with Chad for the last hour and a half. I like fighting with guys yes but lately the only guys I've been fighting with are guys who turn the fight into almost mean spirited and it loses it's fun. Chad makes it so good-natured and almost flattering, it's so refreshing. I love his wit, it's the most attractive thing about him. Too bad he's moving in a couple weeks. Why is it both guys I've met and had great connections with this semester are leaving me? This seems incredibly cruel.

With all this teasing that I do with quite a lot of guys, I'm a little worried I'm going to have to live up to something with someone rather soon that I'm not quite ready to yet.

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:: 2005 19 April :: 11.09 am

Finals week has started and I'm sittiing here playing on the computer. Not the best of signs. Oh well, I got an A on my calc test last night, I deserve to slack off a little today. I only have to get an 85 (including a curve) on my macro final tomorrow to get my A in that class, I'm not sweating it too much.

The day after I last updated Carly and I decided to take a trip to Orlando. Her friend Gil is back from Iraq and he used to work at Islands of Adventure so he could get us discounted tickets. We had been planning on leaving early saturday morning since I had to work Friday night but when I talked to her after work we were concerned that we wouldn't get up in time so we decided just to leave right then. The car ride was fun although I almost passed out a dozen times and it was even more fun trying to find Gil's house at 4am. They stayed up talking but I passed out like a drunken sorority girl on his couch and didn't move until the next morning when Carly called my phone from the other couch at 9am (god knows why). We took our time getting up and getting ready, Gil showed us his cool gun, and we didn't make it to IHOP until after noon. We were so hungry my eyes teared up looking at the menu. They had one of those peg thingies at the table where you try to jump the pegs and only leave one left. I became obsessed with trying to beat it and felt like a dumbass everytime I didn't even come close. Gil had a great time laughing at me. Their friend Ben and his wife were supposed to meet us at the park and we had told them that we were already there even before we got to IHOP. We thought we could still beat them because apparently Ben is the slowest moving creature on earth (next to carly). We got a call right as we were pulling out of IHOP that he was there and where were we? Gil said we had left something in the car and were going back to get it. Ben was quiet for a second then asked "all of you?" He wasn't buying it and hung up on Gil. We got to the park about 1:30 and still managed to ride all the best rides and Gil and I got to ride Dueling Dragons three times. That blue dragon will fuck you up. I had thought we were going to stay until the next morning but carly started getting anxious about getting work done sunday so she wanted to leave that night. I really didn't want to, I wanted to go out and I really liked hanging out with Gil, but she was the one with the car and I had only been invited along so I didn't argue. All in all it was probably one of the best trips to Orlando I've ever been on. We're going back after finals, I can't wait.

Besides that I haven't been doing too much. I haven't been clubbing in forever and it's still going to be at least another week before I can. I talked to Marty the other day, he's still hitting on me but still also too much of a coward to actually do anything about it. Danny and I no longer talk, Andrea doesn't like me anymore (I don't know how much she really did to begin with anyway) and I don't care about any of it. Marty will be gone within two weeks, Danny will be completely out of my life once Carly leaves in August and I can finally be done with that whole household. I've found out recently about some pretty interesting things, but they haven't affected me too much because I really can't have much of a lower opinion of Josh or Danny. I can't stand how many secrets and lies are embedded in that house.

David leaves Gainesville on Monday, and very soon after that he leaves for DC. I didn't realize he'd be leaving so soon, I'd go home with him but I have two finals on Monday. He got an internship in a law firm in Washington DC, which I've known for a while but for some reason thought it was a little later in the summer. I can't help but think how eerily similar everything is happening again. The last time we dated was the middle of April and then I went away for the summer to work in North Carolina. Almost exactly three years later we start dating again in the middle of April and now he's leaving for the summer to work in DC. I wonder if he'll also do what I did last time and not tell me when he gets back. I don't know if I hope he does or not, 90% of the time I'm telling myself this won't work, there's no way we can work together, and yet it feels right when I see him. I think it's just the mentality of dating anyone other than Steve, I'm not quite used to it. Either way, even if we really don't work as a couple he's not someone I want to lose as a friend.

My dad and my sister are at each other's throats again, I've ordered them to come up here for the first weekend in may and I will play therapist. They will be stuck with each other the whole four hour car ride up and back, I will force them to go out and play golf together for a whole day, and I will sit them down and force them to talk to each other. They were supposed to do group therapy and they didn't, this has gone on for way too long and it's time for both of them to get over it. I'm smarter than both of them and because both of them talk to me more and about more things than they do to anyone else in the family I'm more equipped than any counselor to deal with their problems. I just feel so incredibly bad for my dad. He loves us so much it's impossible to understand, and yet we've all hurt him selfishly and unnecessarily. I'm going to find a way to make it up to him someday.

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:: 2005 7 April :: 10.13 pm

Six weeks later...

I've pretty much lost all will to update this thing. It's not that I've been unhappy or too busy to write, I just haven't felt it was necessary. A lot of the writing I do I do because it's therapeutic, but I haven't been in need of much therapy lately. A rare occasion, I know, and I'm enjoying being able to say that for even a short time.

Greece was amazing, I took over 300 pictures and could have taken 300 more. I didn't know any of the classmates that I was going there with but in a very pleasant twist I ended up making four great friends that I had a blast with, making the trip just that much more memorable. When I got back my cousin Shannon was visiting from Ohio and she and Darcy came to stay with me for a little while. Shannon is thinking of doing graduate school here, which I would absolutely love. Out of ten cousins she's one of my two favorites.

As for my favorite household, I hit a peak of time spent over there when i got back from Greece. At one point I realized I hadn't spent a night in my own house in an entire week. I started letting go of my feelings for marty except for a small little crush and finally started developing feelings for danny. They came too late though and he had already moved on. I can't be mad at him about it, god knows he tried and tried hard for over six weeks. But you can't choose who you feel that connection with and it wasn't until much later - too much later it turns out - that I felt it. Now I wish those feelings hadn't come at all, I can barely talk to danny anymore and I can't be anywhere around the house when andrea (a girl I work with ironically) is there with him. I saw them kiss once when my sister was visiting and I took her over there. I literally grabbed darcy and dragged her out the door at full running speed. I even hit andrea's car trying to back out of there so fast, but i swear it was an accident!

Another funny thing happened while Darcy was visiting me. She was on spring break from school and decided to spend a few days up here and at one point david came over to hang out. He, Darcy, Alejandra, her friend Sean and I were all sitting around when my nose started bleeding out of nowhere. Before I could cover it up everyone saw it and Alejandra and Darcy started asking if it was because of my medicine and whether or not I was taking it. I wanted them to drop the subject so I just answered quickly that no, I wasn't taking the medicine because I didn't need it and quickly changed the subject. I started talking with Alejandra in the kitchen and when I glanced into the next room I saw David pull Darcy aside aside and start talking to her in a way that looked pretty serious. When I came back into the room he asked to talk to me alone and when I took him in my room he started bombarding me with questions about my medicine and my condition in general. Thing is, I never told him I had arthritis. The whole thing had happened right after we had broken up and we hadn't talked for quite a long time afterward. I mentioned that to him and said that it wasn't something I liked to talk about or even tell people if i had to but he countered at me that he had told me about his dad and I knew I was the only one he's told that to, so he figured if he could have done that I should have been willing to open up to him about this too. I felt terrible but really I was just in shock. I couldn't believe how much this affected him and how much he cared about it. He wanted to know how I felt about it, he wanted to know the technical details about the medications I was taking and even as I was sitting there started researching RA online on my computer. He actually signed up for an arthritis newsletter to be sent to his house. After we got over that he came out with my sister and I to see The Ring 2 and then out to dinner. Before he left he asked me to take my medicine and said he would call me every day until I took it. I didn't think he was serious until I got a call the next night.

I went home with my sister the next day, god I hate that drive. Tucker is so good in the car though, he just sleeps in my lap the entire way. We made it back barely in time to go to the Maroon 5 concert she had gotten us tickets too (david called right as it was started to check up)

I have to say that I actually really enjoyed that weekend home. I expected to have a good time but I was also dreading the conversations and questions and inevitable fights that always happen in my house. There was only one fight the whole time and it was a minor one. I even got my mom and sister out to the melting pot, which was wonderful. That place holds such great memories to me.

As it stands now I only talk to Josh now when I'm at the house visiting Carly, until last night I had completely stopped talking to danny even when i'm there, I don't talk to Marty really anymore and it's better for me, although i'm still going to really miss him when he moves in four weeks, and I just don't know what to do with David. The incident when my sister was visiting just really surprised me and we had another incident last week. Apparently I have really underestimated for a long time how strongly he cares about me, even when we dated three years ago. I had thought back then that it hadn't meant much to him and he wouldn't really care if I broke up with him which is why I didn't feel too guilty doing it, but I was wrong then and I was wrong to assume the same thing now when we hang out that it only means friendship to him. He came over here and it was too late to take him back to his dorm so he was going to stay over, and told me a lot of things that I just didn't know how to respond to. I messed up and hurt him, which I never intended to do and he walked out of my room and slept on the couch. He said sleeping in the same bed was intimate to him, it meant something, and if I just considered him a friend that he didn't feel he should be there. I hadn't been ready to agree to dating again but I certainly didn't mean it to come off as me thinking about him as only a friend and nothing more. He was my boyfriend once and we've become very close now. He broke up with Jenny at the same time I broke up with Steve and we were able to help each other out. He's someone very much like me that I feel comfortable relating to, I could never simply think of him as just a friend. Yes he is my friend and always has been, but he's also more than that and always will be. Should we date again? I don't know. He and I are both such strong-willed and independent people that I could easily see us killing each other within a month. I would be the first person he's dated since Jenny and I'm afraid of hurting him just as he's started getting over his hurt before. It'll work itself out.

Now, classes are good, work is going well, social life is a little mixed up but nothing horrible. I would have to say that I am content. I haven't quite reached great happiness but for the moment I'm content and that's enough.

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:: 2005 24 February :: 7.31 pm

Greece!!!!

Holy shit I'm going to be in Greece in like 30 hours. How crazy is that?! I still haven't started packing yet though and my flight is at noon tomorrow, is that bad?

School has been going alright, doing very well on some tests and just well on the others. Work is work, a source of money and therefore bearable. I have almost five hundred dollars cash in my dresser right now set and ready to be blown in Greece. I fully expect to come home with a beautiful Adonis.

I'm missing my girls in Brazil very much now but I'm so glad I got to meet Carly and now she and I have actually been getting close. I can't believe all the great new friends I made this year are graduating in just a few months!!

I have thin mints, hee hee hee

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:: 2005 13 February :: 8.49 pm

I feel like I've actually started growing up. About damn time right? I've been taking on a lot of new things these days and so far doing alright by them. I'm spending so much time with types of people I normally wouldn't even have met. I have totally taken a whole new direction in my education and in my life, and I'm always a little nervous that it won't quite pan out. I can feel myself changing, and I'm afraid it's more than I had wanted to. Even then, my life is changing around so faster than I myself am changing that I feel overwhelmed and that I have lost my control on it. Somehow I went from running my life to trying to catch up to it.

I've always had problems letting go, I know this and I've always known it about myself. I can't stand the thought of letting anyone, even a friend that I wasn't so close to, disappearing completely from my world. I hold on to my memories, my past, a lot stronger than most people do. As much as my world is changing now I'm still looking for things to hold on to. Problem is I don't have much past here to do it, especially with my best friends out of the country for another five months. I suppose that's why I've become friends with David again, I'm just desperate for someone within a hundred miles that's known me for more than two months. I talked to Steve last week for two hours, and it felt so good. We only talk every few days now and I haven't seen him in over six weeks, we've been broken up for months and yet I still feel so scared about losing him completely. He may come up later this week if he can get work covered.

The girl scout cookie sale has been going on back home for weeks but there seems to be no girl scouts anywhere in Gainesville. It's all good though because Steve is sending me four boxes of Thin Mints and Dad is bringing me a case of them when he comes up the following week :-)

There's been a lot going on but I just don't feel the need to post it.

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