a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 11 September :: 9.47 am

What Makes You Sexy?
by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is Everything
Special Talents Are Looking Innocent
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Sweet

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:: 2004 6 September :: 2.03 pm

College is great when there's no classes to worry about
So Friday night Richelle and I did go over to the apartment and were amazed by how much preparation Daniela and Lelis had made, the food looked amazing, and the chicken was awesome. Laura and Richelle and I baked the cake and it was just about gone by the time we finally left the house. Richelle went home to get a shower first while the rest of us headed downtown to Simon's for Latin Night. Richelle ended up not finding parking when she tried to meet us so went home and fell asleep. Laura tried to teach me to salsa, then we went looking for hispanic guys to dance with us so we could practice. Laura didn't get any that were really good dancers so the night was very frustrating for her, but one of the guys I danced with said he would teach me and ended up being such a strong leader that I really didn't learn anything, he just literally threw me into turns and spins so it looked like we both knew what we were doing. It was fun, although I felt bad for Laura because salsa dancing has become an obsession with her. I was still tired from the night before so I asked them just to take me home from the club.

Saturday I just kind of laid around, being very lazy. Laura picked me up around 8 and we went to blockbuster to pick up movies and junk food. We ordered our tickets for ultra at her apartment, then watched gothika. That was a really good movie and niether of us could sleep after that so jumped online and tried to find out if this hurricane is ever going to hit us or not. We wanted to see at least SOME action from this thing but we were getting jipped. We stayed up til 4:30 talking almost entirely about Richelle and Alejandro and the whole situation that has spanned over a year. We still weren't tired though so we popped in the other movie we rented, Le Divorce. It wasn't the romantic comedy we thought it would be but it was still pretty good. We finally got to sleep about 6:30.

Sunday we both got woken up by phones. Hers from her mom and mine from Steve. We also found out that we no longer had power. Daniela and Lelis came home from Lelis' place, but once they realized there was no power they left again. Apparently Lelis still had power at his place. Laura was pissed they didn't invite us and left us without power until Daniela called and told us to come over a minute later. We played Nintendo, Supermario fucking rocks. We watched some drunk asshole get his truck stuck in the mud when he decided to drive across the field in the backyard to get to the pool. Then we lost power there too, and everyone kind of did their own thing to amuse themselves. We played cards for a while, then once we realized that some of the wax from the candles had dripped onto the table, we spent the next hour and a half burning down the candles and making wax art on the table. It was actually pretty fun.

We came back to Daniela and Laura's apartment, and went next door to see Daniela's friends. We played more cards there, but we didn't really like them so we left again and pigged out on the last remaining food in the apartment. Laura is hysterical when she's high by the way. We went to bed from there.

This morning there was still no power but I've finally made it back to my dorm room where I do have it. I also just found out that all classes are cancelled again tomorrow. How fucking sweet is that? A five day weekend, then one day of school, then another four day weekend when Laura and I go home Wednesday night.

Ultra is in two and a half weeks!!!

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:: 2004 3 September :: 1.32 pm

I really got to get better at this...

Ran into Chris AGAIN on Sunday. Considering how many people from my school that go here and how big this campus is, the fact that not only is he virtually the only one i've run into, but that I've run into him three times in the last week is just weird now.

All of a sudden I keep getting hit on in the Dining hall. I'm not complaining about it but I don't know what's different this week than the last two weeks and that now they would start approaching me.

Had a meeting with a professor on Tuesday about an undergrad research project. He loved my letter although he said the enthusiasm was over the top. He said it made him laugh and he took it home to his wife to show her too, how embarassing is that? Oh well, I got the position so I don't care who's laughing.

I actually ran into Richelle on Wednesday and it was nice catching up with her, then while I was walking with her we ran into Laura Vargas, who swears that I've grown three or four inches. I'm in a doctor's office every month where my height and weight are measured each time. I haven't grown at all.

Anyway, that night Richelle, Laura, and Daniela picked me up to go to XS, this club that's supposed to be the hot spot on Wednesday nights. We got there too early (11) so it was pretty dead at first, then it got going good. We all danced on stage, then Richelle and I took the pole. It took us a long time to get Daniela and Laura up there, but they admitted they liked it once they were up there. I think I spent way too much time on that pole, I was up there even when the others had gone back to the dance floor. Afterwards we got slices of pizza and I got home about 2:30.

I had an 8:30 class the next morning which sucked entirely. I had to go though to turn in homework, so I just came home after the class and passed out for a couple hours. I spent some time talking to Steve, then went to kickboxing class. It was an ATL reunion there, Laura, Richelle, me, Hillary, Nina, and Leah. It was an okay class but not as intense or as good of a workout as last week because it was a different teacher. We're going back to Carolina's class next week, that crazy bitch knows how to excercise.

From there everyone went home to shower and change, then Richelle picked me up and we went to Laura and Daniela's. Lelis was there too and we just hung out for a while and drank and laughed. Hillary and Nina and Leah went to Eight Seconds a while before we finally got there. I had a lot of fun dancing but there was absolutely no AC in there and it was so hot and absolutely disgusting. I stopped dancing with one guy because I couldn't take the feel of our sweat anymore, it was dripping off. Hillary and Nina and Leah left when we went to the bathroom, I guess they figured we had already left, I don't know. We went back to the apartment and of course, ordered Five Star Pizza, an extra large. Damn, that is good pizza. It was such a good feeling night, with a lot of my favorite people. Daniela I just met a couple weeks ago but I really like her, she's awesome and so funny. She says we should all get a four bedroom apartment, and was interested when I mentioned that my parents were in the market for one. I would love more than anything to be roommates with the three of them, it would be so much fun.

Daniela and Lelis went to bed a little before 3, but Richelle and Laura and I stayed up talking. Richelle passed out on the bean bag chair fairly quickly but Laura and I talked until she woke back up at 6 in the morning. She jumped right back into the convo until we finally left at 6:30. It was such a good talk though and one we all really needed. We've all been kind of on our own without talking to each other much for a while now, we needed something like tonight to get back to how we used to be, having long talks about every little thing that was going on. (Laura says we bitch too much so we're changing the name of our bitchfests about guys into "Concerned Discussions")

Today classes were cancelled so once everyone wakes up Richelle and I are going back to the apartment and we're all making pitas and baking a cake. Then tonight we're going to Latin night at some club, Martinis I think? Then on Saturday the hurricane party begins. Laura and Daniela didn't have classes yesterday so they went to the store and bought food, and streamers, and alcohol. Everyone else is scared and hiding in boarded up houses and we're not even going to notice a hurricane passing by.

It's weird to think that with everything going on and my original plans for this weekend falling apart, This is still looking to be an even better weekend than it would have been without the hurricane.

Only with friends like these

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:: 2004 29 August :: 1.30 pm

What a great weekend...

Friday I ran into Chris again at lunch so he stayed and ate with me. He's so cool when Corey's not around, then they're just sappy together.

Friday afternoon I spent hours looking through undergrad research projects and sending out about nine resumes to professors. There's one that's absolutely perfect for me, I'm praying to get it. Then Steve got here finally (somehow he turned a four and a half hour drive into a seven hour one). He was really tired and the clubs were about to close by the time he got here anyway so we stayed in watching movies and talking. My roommate voluntarily cleared out for the night, that was really nice of her but I still felt guilty. Saturday we didn't even get out of bed until noon so we went out to lunch, picked up some sports applications for me from the rec center, and I gave him a mini tour of the campus. It was such a beautiful day, even just laying around the dorm room was so relaxing and nice. I checked my email when we got back from lunch and guess what?! One of the professors already wrote me back! I hadn't expected to hear from anyone over the weekend but he wanted to meet me! He said my enthusiasm (which was pretty obvious even in an email) was a definitie plus. I'm so excited! Freshman almost NEVER get selected to be involved in research projects, and if I can get even just this one, then it's going to be ten times easier to get even more projects the next year and the next! By the time I have to apply for vet school I could have such a kickass resume of half a dozen research projects with professors of zoology and animal science. The projects even require that you publish something in the Journal of Undergrad Research so I can attach to my resume a bunch of scientific papers that I've had published! Yipee! I have an advising appointment with a pre-health advisor on monday too, much excitement for the coming week.

Anyway, we ordered in pizza and breadsticks and my roommate finally came home. We all watched Negotiator then I got itchy to go out. Dusk and nighttime is excellent around gainesville, it's the only time it's not 200 degrees out and it feels wonderful. Steve and I took a walk around campus up to University Drive so I could get Ben and Jerry's (because I'm a fat little piggy). By the time we got back my roommate was gone again and it was time for him to leave. It wasn't too hard saying goodbye since he's going to be back up on Friday. Having gotten almost no sleep the night before though I wasn't up for going out and just laid in bed watching movies until I feel asleep.

I didn't wake up until noon today, which isn't too bad because I don't have much to do today. I spent a little over an hour going through job listings and found a few really good ones - two from vet offices and one that's really an agricultural research project like the ones I was looking through before but this one pays! Very cool. The rest of the day is looking to be pretty boring though, reading ahead in bio and chem and taking notes. Oh well, such is the life of a college student with an obsession.

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:: 2004 26 August :: 11.50 pm

First week of school just about over...

I love my classes. I'm so pumped about getting into vet school that I have literally thrown myself into doing everything I can to get that 4.0. My math class is so ridiculously easy that I don't go to the lecture classes anymore, just the discussion ones to turn in homework and take any quizzes they give out. The time from those lecture classes is just more time to dedicate to my sciences.

I overprepared for my chem class and the following lecture was just redundant. I actually like studying for chem now, I've done it for at least two hours every single night so far.

I spent half of today preparing for my bio lab and working up neat little tables and diagrams for myself. I actually find it interesting! I can't wait for the lab.

Yes, I know, I am a total geek but when I have that 4.0 and am holding that acceptance letter from the vet school, I don't give a shit what you're calling me.

I spent the other half of today trying to do laundry, but the laundry room is a battlezone. People get serious about claiming washers and dryers and there's sooo not enough of either. There's been actual bloodshed.

I went with Laura, Cara, and Daniela to a kickboxing class at the gym tonight. Insane is all that can be said about it. Five minutes into it and I felt like I was going to die. Laura looked scared and was panting as hard as I as she was trying to explain to me that it's never been like this before last year. It was so intense but I'm even more stubborn so I refused to sit out and I did it all. I felt like throwing up for about half of it but at the end I felt so awesome. Laura and I were mad at ourselves that this should be so hard for us so we're going back every week until we can do it easily. I picked up a schedule too, I want to do the Ab Attack on Saturday, I wonder if I can convince Steve to do it with me. (oh yeah, he's coming up this weekend, have I mentioned that yet?) He's only staying tomorrow night and saturday and leaving saturday night though. I'm glad he's coming up but I'm more excited for next weekend and the wedding. I love weddings!

Oy ve, I need to go soak my aching muscles

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:: 2004 24 August :: 9.50 am

I got a fucking bicycle ticket, what the hell is up with that?

So I'm riding along looking for my class when this cop pulls me over and tells me that I'm riding on the wrong side of the road. He asks me if I'm a freshman, yes. He asks me if this is my first day of classes, yes. He then informs me that he is writing me a ticket. WTF? I got a ticket for a rule I had no way of knowing about, and not only that, but I can either sit through an hour and a half bicycle class, or I can pay the ticket. Guess how much the ticket is - $118.50. THOSE ARE MY TWO OPTIONS AS A PENALTY FOR RIDING ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET THAT MY CLASS WAS ON.

Cops were the acne-covered geeks in high school that everyone thought was gay.

You all have some serious anger issues man.

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:: 2004 22 August :: 7.18 pm

I can't believe classes start tomorrow, do you know I'm actually kind of scared? *sigh* College would be so much fun without the classes.

Not too much happened during the week, I just took care of some errands and relaxed around the dorm. Danielle Harder and her sister got here Thursday night but I couldn't go clubbing with them because I didn't have a ride. Richelle came over for a little while instead though, it was the first time I'd seen her since we got up here because she's been rushing. She quit it though, it costs wayy too much money that she and her parents don't have. There's not many people that do.

I still hadn't mentioned to my roommate that a guy (steve) would be staying with us Saturday and Sunday nights so even though I knew she wouldn't really have a problem with it, I still spent the day sucking up to her. My parents sent a care package with a lot of movies in it and she had never seen Wayne's World, so I set her up watching that while I went to the mall. When I got back I ordered pizza and breadsticks, and she had mentioned that she had never seen Something About Mary either so I popped that in and stuffed her with pizza and bread without letting her pay for any of it. Laura finally came home Friday too! Richelle picked me up and we went to dinner with Laura, Alberto, Andres, and Cara. It was so much fun and it was a great feeling to know that this wasn't some vacation I was taking up here again, this was how it was always going to be with all of us up here. From there we went to Laura's new apartment which wasn't furnished yet but was still nice. Then we went to Lelis' apartment and hung out there for a while. Steve called me there to tell me that he wasn't coming up this weekend after all, Cheesecake Factory changed the training dates to this Sunday. I know we're supposed to be broken up but I was still really looking forward to him coming up to visit and it hurt a lot that he wasn't now. Just another disappointment. I don't understand how I can see Alberto and Alejandro and the rest of them make sure they get somewhere they said they were going, like when Applebee's scheduled Alberto to work Valentine's Day and he refused to go in, but Steve always ends up letting other things come up that he supposedly can't miss, again like Valentine's Day, except he actually worked it. After a while everyone headed over to Danielle's friend's house for the party. It was actually pretty lame though and there were a bunch of people from high school that Richelle and I didn't like so we didn't stay long. We went back to Lelis', turned on some music and the strobe light and danced and ate pizza the rest of the night. Oscar taught me the merengue. Richelle dropped me off at my dorm about 4:30 and I was really afraid of waking up my roommate until I saw a note on the door that she wasn't going to be home that night.

I didn't get to sleep very long Saturday morning because she came home at a little after 10 and I couldn't fall back asleep for more than an hour. I just kind of hung around the room for the day, talking with Steve online almost the entire day. Most of the conversation was not a fun one, I was still upset about him missing the weekend. Alejandro called me wanting to go clubbing, but he and the guys didn't get to my dorm until after midnight. Laura''s mom had come up for the weekend so she was with her and Richelle was with some of Andres' friends so it was just Daniela and I in the female group. After Jet-set we went to Lelis' again where Richelle met up with us. We played Domino's and cards and danced with the stobe light again. I got home again by 5 in the morning.

I was completely passed out until Alejandro called me at 1 in the afternoon and woke me up. My roommate was already gone (and she still hasn't come back, I rarely see her now). He and the guys wanted to go to the Springs, but an hour later it was raining and lightening like crazy so plans were cancelled and I got to go back to bed. Now I just finished watching Men In Tights and eating pizza and I feel like another nap.

Love you all

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:: 2004 17 August :: 9.39 pm

Grrr, I lost my applications to the two animal hospitals I visited over spring break. Now I have to take a series of buses to get back to them just to pick new ones up, them take all those buses again to take them back.

I was reading course requirements for pre-vet and pre-pharmacy and for some reason I just noticed how many courses I'm expected to complete after only two years to be allowed to stay in pre-pharmacy. My first two years are going to be completely focused on pre-pharmacy, which one hand is okay because most of the classes are the same ones required for pre-vet. However, I spent a couple hours working out my class schedule for the next two years based on those course requirements and found out that I have absolutely no room to take any of the electives I want to take until my junior year. My schedule sucks for the next two years, I'll be amazed if I survive it.

Weirdest thing...I went to my dorm's social tonight, and the same guy I had run into twice before on campus that always looked familiar was there too. He saw me and walked over, sat down right next to me and asked where he knew me from. After a couple seconds we placed each other, he was Travis from Middle School of the Arts. I hadn't seen him since ninth grade at Ashlee Radka's halloween party when he and I found and dominated an entire bottle of vodka. It was so incredible running into him after so many years, and I have to say, he looks great. He's just like he was then, very outgoing, always having to meet and talk to everyone in the room. I talked to a couple of his friends too, they're pretty cool. I'm so excited to have someone I know in my dorm finally!

Think I'll go back downstairs and hang out with him a little more. Later.

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:: 2004 15 August :: 10.07 pm

I'm at UF! How crazy is that?!

It took forever to move in and do shopping for last minute things we hadn't thought about but now I'm all settled in and very comfortable. My bed has so much padding on it it's more comfortable than my bed at home. There's no way I'm getting up for classes.

Friday night was fun, although I'm so sorry to Alex for the confusing mix-ups. I wish I could have seen you a last time before I left but I love you always!

After the mini-party that night the rest of the night was painful and depressing. But I did what I had to and I'm not changing my mind. He wants to come up this coming weekend with the spanish crew but we'll see. I'm still not sure if that's even a good idea. I'm thinking we probably need some time apart before we have to go to this wedding together. The only reason I'm allowing it right now is because it's not like he's coming up alone and going to be with me all the time. He's coming up with the twins and a 20-person crew and staying with them so it's always going to be a social setting. I just don't know, everything has changed and there's so much still to work out. One day at a time...

So my dorm room looks great, it looks like I've lived here for years because I have so many personal things. I'm so spoiled, I have a TV with cable, a fridge, even a microwave that microwaves, toasts, and bakes. I love that I have a whole week here to do absolutely nothing but hang out and party. I should probably start looking for my classes though....

My roommate is nice, although they all seem like that at first. She was in IB too and i've met a couple of her friends already, they're pretty cool. She's cool about having friends and guys over late too so that's a huge relief.

Gotta go now but much love to everyone!

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:: 2004 13 August :: 3.11 pm

Tomorrow...

The week has been absolutely insane, and I'm exhausted. Monday I worked, then my family and I went to Alex's house to have dinner with his family and his best friends Andres' family. Another one of his friends came to dinner too, although without a family in tow. After dinner the guys and I went to play pool at the clubhouse, where Richelle met us an hour later. From there we drove all around Boca to a series of houses and parties. One was at this huge mansion in Boca, it was so gorgeous. Richelle said she felt like white trash standing in it. It was fun hanging out there right up until Richelle fainted and collapsed to the floor. That was hands down the scariest sight of my entire life was to watch her eyes roll into her head and see her sink to the floor without moving. She scared the shit out of all of us although she was more embarrassed than scared herself when she woke up. I had to go home early (by 2) but Alex woke me up by calling at 4 to tell me that Richelle had gone home still feeling perfectly fine and that everyone had fun and we absolutely had to hang out again before we left.

Tuesday I stayed home from my last day of work, it wasn't worth going in for and I knew they didn't need me there. After taking Dad to work I ran errands like grocery shopping and picking up this really cool Warm&Toasty thing at Bed Bath & Beyond. It's a microwave that microwaves, bakes, and even toasts. Steve came over for a few hours after that, then I had to pick Dad back up. Alex called wanting us to come on a boat party with him and a huge group from Pope John Paul but that ended up falling through so I just stayed in and spent over an hour on the phone with Richelle.

Wednesday I took Darcy to school and Dad to work, then went for my gyno appointment, which was not good. After waiting an hour to actually see her, I found out I have to get a minor surgery, scheduled on a weekend I'll be home from UF. My life sucks, that is so incredibly unfair. From there I had to go to another doctor appointment, and I called my mom from the car to tell her the news and completely bitch about how much this sucked. She tried to be sympathetic but she couldn't stop laughing about it. At the rheumatologist I finally convinced Dr.Goodman to cut my methotrexate dosage, but then he yelled at my nurse right before she had to take my blood so she was pissed and in a hurry and it was very painful. I stopped at the courthouse next to pay off that last ticket and was there almost an hour. I finally made it to Steve's house to hang out for a little while before having to pick Darcy up. Once we finally got home I made my very first attempts to start packing, not that I procrastinated or anything. I picked Dad up from work, dropped him off at home, then left immediately from there to Steve's house. The twins met us there and we left for the Marlins game in Fort Lauderdale. The game was horrible, almost no one could get a hit from either side. The twins were fun though, and it turns out that they, Danielle Harder, and the entire spanish crew that came to UF over spring break was all going back up next weekend. It's going to be insane. I was thrilled to hear they were coming but I know that's probably a bad thing because that's the weekend before classes start and I should be preparing for that, not partying until 5 am every night again. Steve looked like he was pissed when Alejandro told him, I don't think he likes the idea of me hanging out with that whole group of guys without him there. He sure didn't like it over spring break either.

Yesterday was a lot of more running errands. I dropped Dad and Darcy off again, then went to the YMCA to clean out my locker, and from there to Atlantic. I had to drop off some music I still had to Dicillo, and I got to see almost the whole Eagle-ette squad in there. I spoke to Mrs.Kelly for a long time too, it seems she's having problems that all point to rheumatoid arthritis. I had given her a referral to Dr.Goodman and she was seeing him today. I felt so bad hearing everything she was going through, knowing myself how bad it could get. After the school I stopped by Dr.Goodman's to pick up the copy of my medical record I had forgotten to get the day before, then met Richelle and Dave for lunch at Steve's Ale House. Steve does not like Dave was obviously not happy Dave was there and even Richelle commented on the tension and the fact that Steve looked pissed as hell the entire time. He hasn't said anything to me about it though. Saying goodbye to Dave was very difficult although I was able to keep from crying until I was in the car. I can't believe I won't see him for two months! I know I'll still talk to him all the time though, so I have no worries about losing touch. When I got home I finally made some headway in packing and finished later on in the night.

Dad and I had a dinner and a movie date last night too. He hadn't seen Spiderman 2 yet and I wanted to see it again so we went to see that, then had dinner at Smokey Bones, one of our favorite BBQ places. Their french fries were amazing! I asked to go back again today just to get an order of fries, I don't know what they put on them but I love 'em. After finishing up packing, I was tired and passed out right away. I even slept through this huge storm that came through last night that everyone's talking about. I had no idea.

Today I went to the mall and bought Richelle's birthday present, as well as a little gift for Steve. If the weather gets much worse though I'm afraid my parents won't let me go out tonight. I scheduled my surgery for September, then have been napping since. I think I'll get back to that....

I'm completely packed but I'm nowhere near ready to leave this place

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:: 2004 8 August :: 7.38 pm

6 days left...

6 days left to do everything you've been afraid of or waiting to do, a lifetime to regret what you don't.

Because I had spent the night before on the phone with Steve until 1 am when I had to wake up at 6, I was passing out at work all day Friday. Tyler was pissing me off the entire day, but I had to leave early so I didn't get a chance to talk to him about it. My sister and cousin and I went out to dinner at Papa Bear's and then went to see the Terminal. We all liked it a lot, but there was this woman sitting directly in front of us with the loudest and most obnoxious laugh it was embarrassing even for us, and she did it throughout the entire movie. Afterwards we went to pick up my dad who was playing pool and challenged my cousin to a game. They played three and of course he won all of them. Showoff. I took everyone home from there then went to hang out with Steve. We were both so tired that we kept falling asleep on each other, and i didn't drag myself home until 3:30. The next morning I had to get up at 8 though because the whole family was going jet-skiing. The weather was perfect and Shannon loved it, especially when I drove. Shannon only knows how to drive fast and Darcy is just too rough, it's not a pleasant drive. I know how to cut the waves though and I know the best speeds to do it at so mine is the most interesting ride.

We had lunch at Two Georges then rode back and drove home. From here I went to visit David, and happened to walk in on a very serious and very private conversation, which I wished he would have left the room for but instead just sat there ten feet from me, letting me hear everything. He gave me the manuscript he just finished and sold to a couple of producers in LA. I was the only one who got to read it who wasn't directly involved with the project, how special. I just finished reading it earlier today, I have to call him to tell him what I think, but I don't think he's going to want to hear it. It's too bland of a story, there's no spark that would inspire me to watch such a movie. Not his usual style, he should go back to writing novels. Stick with what works.

I had determined that I would have this talk with Steve once and for all, but when I saw him found myself continually fighting with myself and putting it off. We went to the New York Comedy Club, and besides being late because of a serious accident on the turnpike, it was excellent. The comedian (Al Romero) was great, and I bought his CD at the end, called the "Blue Ass Monkey Album." You can't beat that.

I had been quiet and distant all night because of this inner conflict so of course Steve knew there was something wrong, but it wasn't untiil 2am that I finally told him. The night went downhill from there. I didn't get home until 4:30 and I woke up my mom when I did so she was pissed. Even emotionally drained and physically exhausted as I was I still talked to him for another half hour. I fell asleep about 5:30 and got up at 9.

We went to Walgreen's to get pictures for our scuba certification cards, then drove out to the boat. The weather was great, the water felt awesome (even to me, the cold baby, although I was wearing a wet suit). As soon as we started descending under the water, however, I felt intense pain in my head. I'd had a cold for the last few days and it seemed my sinuses were still clogged, so every time I got down to only ten feet, it felt like someone was driving a high heel into my forehead. I had to get out and sit on the rocking boat to wait for them to finish the first dive and then make a second. I almost lost it on the boat and came within a hair's breath of puking my guts out for an hour. On the way home I bet my dad that even though I was obviously very upset and disapointed about not being able to dive today and having to reschedule, instead of being sympathetic my mom would find some way to make me feel like shit about it. He wasn't amused, but sure enough, the moment I walked in she started ripping into me about it.

I'm so ready to just walk away from all this, from everything, right now. I don't care if it's to UF or not, I just want to disappear.

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:: 2004 8 August :: 7.38 pm

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:: 2004 6 August :: 4.29 pm

I've been so bad to you dear Journal, please forgive me. I'll update more often, I promise.

8 days left...

let's see...last Friday night Steve and I went to the Boomer's in Fort Lauderdale. The roller and sky coasters were closed, but we wasted a ton of money on games and had a blast on the Go-Karts (we even got an extra lap for free). I sooo kicked his ass with my impressive Go-Kart driving skills.

Saturday I went clothes shopping at American Eagle and ended up in the dressing room for an hour and a half (no exaggeration). See, I never clothes shop, especially at American Eagle, but I ended up liking every single thing I brought into the dressing room (which was half the store) so I got scared about the prices of all of it and refused to come out until my mom finally came back to the mall and pried me out of there. I never spend that much money on clothes, I felt so guilty afterwards that I left the mall immediately without going into a single other store and don't plan on clothes-shopping for another year or so. From there I went to Darcy's golf tournament for a little while before I had to come home to get showered and dressed for that night.

Steve took me that night to Benihana's, supposedly a famous Japanese restaurant. Their celebrity wall was incredible, the kinds of stars they had pictures of eating at Benihana's was extremely impressive. The food was excellent as was the chef, and we ate way too much (although not nearly as much as Melting Pot).

On Sunday we had our first ocean scuba dives. Not two minutes after the boat left the dock, a severe thunderstorm suddenly opened up. We got to the dive site but couldn't go in because of the lightening so we had to sit for an hour on a rocking boat waiting for the weather to improve. Five minutes before we could finally go into the water, Darcy lost it and sat puking over the side for ten minutes. She got in the water though, I was impressed. We did both dives, and while the weather sucked and the water was freezing, I loved it. The very first time was scary descending to the bottom, i couldn't get over the fact that we were 35 feet deep in the ocean, I felt like I was going to drown for the first thirty seconds.

Tuesday night I went out with Dave to see The Village, which even though my mom and a couple other people told me they didn't like it, I actually did. Sure there were a couple of cheesy moments but every movie has those. After the movie we drove in circles bitching at each other for like twenty or thirty minutes, having way too much fun in a car than anyone should. Bru's Room was really good and I was pleasantly surprised to find that one of my coworkers at the YMCA was working there too. The guy that I knew to be always playing with little kids is the tough Security guy at a bar, I found that very funny. Our waitor was a little weird and definitely a little forward towards me but it was still a good meal.

I had been in such a stressed out mood earlier that day that I was kind of mean to Steve and told him not to meet me for lunch, so after dinner with Dave I was feeling pretty bad about that so I stopped by Steve's house for a little while to make amends.

Yesterday was good. I got to work at 7:30 and for some reason was struck with severe nausea completely out of nowhere and threw up twice within an hour. My boss Dave tried to convince me to come home but I wouldn't go, so he said he would pay me for the whole day if I went home now. I left. With a paid vacation day and free use of the car though, I wasn't about to sit around at home. I called up Joey and woke him up from "a weird Home Improvement dream where he was Randy." I hadn't seen him all summer so I wanted to have lunch with him, and since I hadn't been to the Boca Ale House once since Steve started working there months ago, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and we made a lunch date there. It was great seeing him again and we had fun, although he seemed a little weird about Steve. I felt like I got weird looks from the other waitors but Steve said he got a lot of compliments about me, including some that got a little inappropriate. I may not be stopping back in for a while. From there I was going to stop by to see David Ramos and pick up the script he just sold to read, but he had meetings until 3 and I had to pick up my sister at 4 so we rescheduled. I tried to stop by Dave's house but he's a party animal that sleeps during the day and didn't even wake up when I called. I chilled at home though, it was all good.

Last night we were supposed to be having dinner with Alex's family, but my cousin's husband called us because he wanted us to come to her birthday dinner and surprise her, as well as pick up her sister Shannon who was visiting from Ohio because she wanted to stay with us a couple of days. It was an hour's drive, more than a two hour dinner, and an hour drive back.

Work is frustrating and long and I'm debating my decision to work the extra two days next week. The kids are driving me crazy and Tyler isn't helping. I can't figure him out, and even though I should probably give up on trying by now, I'm determined to do it. My plan is to confront him tomorrow at the staff picnic. Not quite sure how though.

So now my cousin Shannon is down and although I'm glad to see her, I'm kind of disappointed that my last full weekend here is going to be limited because I'll be spending so much time with her. She and Darcy want to see a movie tonight but can't find one that I haven't already seen yet. I might try telling them that it's okay to go see it without me because I don't want to sit through it again and use their absence as an excuse to my parents to let me go out. We'll see how that works.

There's a certain conversation I have yet to have with Steve, and time is almost up to have it. I almost did it last night but chickened out and tried to justify it by telling myself I should wait until I see him tonight or tomorrow night. I know I have to do this, it's just going to be hard and he'll do everything he can to make it harder on me.

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:: 2004 29 July :: 9.15 pm

Sixteen days...

That's just crazy, seriously.

Not much been going on this week. Let's see, the last update was last wednesday...Well on Thursday I finally went with Steve to see Farenheit 9/11. I never wanted to see it, I knew I wouldn't like it, but I went because Steve really wanted to go and I have to admit I was a little curious. I hated it, absolutely hated it. Some people walked out and if Steve hadn't been there with me I would have too. I won't go into a long rant about it, but I will say that although I am not a Bush supporter, this movie not only did not sway me to vote against Bush, it made me more likely to vote for him simply because of how much I despise Michael Moore now. People are entitled to their own opinion and I'll defend that right to the death, but that tactics he used to convince the world that his opinion was the right one were disgusting and wrong. Steve has always hated Bush so he of course loved it, that is the only group the movie actually appealed to - the people who already hated him anyway. Anyway, he could see how upset I was at the end of it but because we had such different feelings towards the movie, I refused to discuss any of it with him to avoid any kind of debate or even fight.

Friday I was in the weirdest mood, and actually went into a depression for a good part of the night, so I stayed in. Not sure what sparked it though.

On Saturday the family had a garage sale, that was interesting. It was kind of more work than it was worth though because we didn't even break $200 and most of the stuff ended up going to Goodwill later that day. Steve and I kind of had a problem that night, but not a real big one, pretty much over stuff that we've already been through at one point or another. Nothing is really worth fighting over now with so little time left. Sunday was crazy, I went from having no plans to making plans with three different people that I all had to squeeze into one night and with no car to get between them. First was ice cream and hanging out with Dave which was nice, we hadn't gotten to do it in a while. Then he drove me over to Alex's friend Cole's house because his parents were out of town again and there was another party. From the party Steve picked me up and we went to Blockbuster to pick up a movie. He hadn't seen Starsky and Hutch yet so we ended up getting that and he loved it. On the way home he gave me a beautiful card and a new charm for my bracelet, his apology for the night before. It's a Gators charm, which meant it cost twice as much as a regular charm because for some reason all School charms are expensive. That had been why Richelle didn't get that one for me for my birthday, but it meant a lot to me that he did that, especially the card. I got home at 2:30 in the morning and had to get up at 6:30 for work.

Our last Scuba classes were Monday and last night. I actually fell asleep in the Monday class because of the night before and darcy had to hit me to wake me up. It wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't been sitting in the front row. We have our first dives on Sunday, but they're in the middle of the day so they kind of kill the whole day.

Alex called me the other night to tell me about this huge party that he and his best friend Andres are throwing. It's not for two weeks yet but he was so excited about it that he called me two weeks early to make sure I came. He also mentioned that the requirement for entry into the party is that everyone has to be 50-75% naked. What that means, I have no idea. I also have no idea if he actually means that or if he's lying to me and hoping I come in lingerie and make an ass of myself. It would be like him.

Sixteen days...that's nowhere near enough time to do everything I want to do and see everyone I need to see.

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