*snickers*
I'm really about to say screw this all. i'm sinking lower and lower into life. i give all i can into it and get nothing, and i do mean nothing this time. this time i've been treated like a play toy. a bad play toy. something you don't want your friends to know you like. and this person doesn't even want something serious even tho it started out that way already. hell, i'd say sleeping together is serious. but hell does that mean anything? *shrugs* this person isn't done experimenting... so what am i now? a side dish? and appitizer? sorry if you read this, but i felt horrible eariler. i thought things were finally like in order. it was your choice to remain the way you did, i was just curious and i half explored. i'm sorry i did things you didn't like. You've done things i didn't like too. we all make mistakes. i don't believe I hold them against you. I try my damnest not to anyways. i just don't understand i guess. i know you want time at least with friends and being "open" but where the hell does that leave me? I'm not going to play you. i have to much to lose to even consider that. i'm looking for forever which may totally scare you. you shoudl tell me tho. and if that's not what you want then you definitly should tell me. because everything we've done and said and all, it points toward that. but i may be wrong. if i am just tell me. stop making me wonder. i've told you and i'll telll you again. your my one. i hate waiting but if i must... i must. just don't treat me like a play thing. i am a person. you treat me one way there and another way here. ya know? i can barely deal with that. *sighs* it's hard to explain. you've done more than me and yet your not ready. yes your younger by like 6 months. but still! I already know. your the only one who has made me feel the way i do!well i'm leaving. i'm gonna go... do something. maybe.....

BBBBAAAAHHHH!!!
yay i get to go to the play tonight and i think i found myself a job.. in about a month anyways. I can't start it until i'm 18 :( stupid age limits. but as for what people say ... most of you i don't give a damn what you say. Those of you i do care about know i do. The rest of you can just kiss my ass. i'll be out of here in about a month and a half then i don't have to see you again if i choose that. and like james said it's his life let him choose. I'm telling my dad basically the same damn thing when i turn 18. *i have too much to risk that right now hehe* If your a true friend just be happy if your friend is even if you disagree. you can let them know but don't be an ass about things!

bah. going on two weeks now being depressed. almost nothing can help it. although i know one thing...wait no two things that really would help. but *shrugs* doesn't look like either is going to happen soon. today brent was telling me how much he cares about me and that he always will. that cheered me up a bit. and oh course dusty cheered me up some. yesterday was kinda hell cause i went to ryan's school to see him cause i haven't really talked to him since like monday.. but he walked like right to his car then stoped by some other car to talk to some girl... he was laughing and such with her. i wasn't very happy at all. I just drove off and didn't even say anything to him. I haven't even called him since like ... tuesday. *shrugs* oh well. Life goes on right. Some people are meant to be in your life and others aren't. this has been my year of really finding that out. and I hate it. I hate growing up. Maybe being a kid is better. then you don't realize what injustices are done to you. and you don't have to put up with people constantly hurting you or expecting so much out of you. *shrugs* well if that's what being a kid would be like ... i'd gladly reverse. I'm so sick of everything that growing up entails. the only good thing is the fact that i have to graduate in may. then i can just get out of school and not have to put up with different people. yea there are many.. no scratch that. a couple people i will really miss but other than that... i thank god i'm leaving this year.

bah. last night was kinda crazy. I went over to one of my friends houses and got to see a few people i haven't seen since like november. but the weridest thing was, one of em kissed me. that was like ... totally different. i've always known he's liked me but.. yeah. nothing has ever happened. now i'm just kinda confused. all i really want is to be with ryan but i doubt he'll let that happen. my next choice would be to get closer to dusty. as friends to start out with and see what happens. but not this guy from LSSU. heh. he's the greatest really is, but i can't see him often at all cause he lives so far away, i hardly talk to him anyways, plus he has a son. he's adorable and everything but he's maybe a year older than me *the guy not the son* lol. so yeah... my mind's all a boggle. and those one dreams just won't stop! I talked to ryan last night to see what was up and to find out more about why he broke up with me but he wouldn't talk about it. so he's supposed to be writing me this hour and i'm supposed to see him after school if i want the note today otherwise i have to wait till tomorrow before skills. :( which kinda sucks. anyways. i'm gonna try and do more work now... adios..

bah :(
well just when i thought things were ok, they're not. he just broke up with me for like no real reason. so i emailed him back *yes it was in an email* and am trying to win him back. heh i doubt that will happen tho. he doesn't want us to really change, he still wants to hang out and talk often just as friends tho. I'm not really sure why. he's made me happier than i have been in awhile. so i dunno. I haven't talked to him since thursday cause i've been grounded for a week. but dad said he could come over today but he was gone when i called. *shrugs* i duno what's gonna happen. things just seem really different between us than with any other person. i dunno. maybe i'm just wishing for something that won't happen. i just don't know anything anymore. i've been in a depressed mood all week cause i haven't been able to be around him, and now that i can be it won't be the same. i just want us to be together but more than that i want him happy. that's what i've wanted for the longest time. I've always adored him, and i just want to see him truely happy.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
YAY! I'm dating this guy that some of you may know. Ryan King. We dated almost all of freshman year and decided to give it another chance since we're still friends and are interested in each other. So far so good tho. I'm like totally happy. I'm finding out that he cares more about me than I thought. And he might go to Swirl even tho he hates dances. Ally will go with me but then I'd have to hang out with a group that doesn't really care to see me or talk to me. But yeah. hehe. Still in a great mood! hehe He just said he'd go with me to swirl! YIPPEE!!! yay! hehehe. so excited. I could seriously jump off the walls. *giggles* I believe he really cares alot about me. this could be really good. I'm not expecting something that chris and i or james and i had. Just something fun and maybe even something that'll last. *shrugs* but as long as we're both happy and everything it's good. :)

LOL today i dyed my hair pink! heck yeah. I can't believe my parents let me. I dropped by Sammie's house and was actually let inside. that was a shock. I heard something about james and I kinda feel bad that he feels that way. *shrugs* but there isn't much i can do. I've had a pretty nice 3 day break tho. although i haven't really done much. haven't even been able to spend time wiht anyone cause they've all and i do mean all, been busy. *shrugs* i was playing a game with the rents about movies and it was actually kinda amusing. well i guess i'll get back to playing...

heh my weekends been good if a bit confusing. I really don't want tomorrow to come and reality to intrude. I just want life to go on and not have to deal with certain things. I went to Chuckie Cheeses yesterday with some friends and had a blast. hehe. Now I'm just sitting around waiting for work to come so I have something to do. That or for anyone to call. *shrugs* anyways. I've been pretty surprised cause James hasn't called at all. but I don't know if that's such a bad thing.because I bet thing could fall right apart and end up wiht us either being back together or totally apart and fighting. Neither of which I really want right now. *sighs* anyways. I'm not supposed to be on long so adios ya'll!

shopping
YAY! dad wouldn't let me go shopping friday w/james so now he's taking us today. yippee. I can't wait. hehe. He is fun to shop with and a lil hard to shop for! hehe. BUt its all good. at least i can spend more time with him. well Adios!~

1. Give me a new nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. If there were a movie about my life, who would play me?
21. Who would play you in the movie about my life?
22. Who is my hero?
23. Are you going to put this on your Woohu and see what I say about you?

wow... plans change again. At least Ally came over. *shrugs* at least something good went on in my day. But yeah. James wanted to go to a movie. Then Nolan's g/f *the couple we were going with* was grounded. So then since he didn't call me before work and i didn't call him *cause I thought he was supposed to call me* so he made plans to go to Joes. Then when I call and find it all out all he can really say is sorry. Which doesn't help any. I just felt like saying if your really sorry just go to a movie with me and I could take ya to Joes or something. or some shit like that. So I called Sammie hopeing to be able to do something with her..... but it didn't work out either. *sighs* I even got out early tonight and was extasic cause of it. cause I thought then we could spend more time together. but oh damn well. cest la vie right? that's life. *sighs* heh my parents came up with an amusing idea. since i had to feed my snakes tonight they said to name one James. lol. He also went to the movies last night with Coutney and he told me I couldn't go cause they don't really like me and he didn't want them mad. I know he realizes what it does to me when he does that. Not just because I get jealous but because I want to spend time with him and it's like he'd rather do something else. *shrugs* all he does is say sorry like it can change things. it doesn't. i know he usually feels bad about it but it doesn't change anything or make it any better. what would make it better is when he does have time, he should actually do something with me.but hell like that's gonna happen. oh well. at least woohu here is good for my venting. and at least i'm not crying anymore. *sighs* i did try to get ahold of Chris cause he's been a pretty good friend lately cause things just haven't been great in my life lately. But he was gone as well. All my good friends were. Sammie just couldn't hang around to talk or do anything. *sighs* alright well i'm gonna dissappear. A few of ya know how to find me..... ;) Adios..

YIPPEE!!!!! I got my ACTs back............ I got a 23!!! That means I can qualify for scholarships! *I think* I was so happy. I think it even surprised my dad how well I did. lol! Yay!

past poem
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

stupid car!
Well now. Life starts going alright and something *of course* happens. Sammie called me last night and invited me to a movie. So I went and picked her up and got to talk to her brother for a bit. He's real strange, but in a good way. lol. Then I went back home to my lil gimpy puppy. Bubbles got trampled by Giggles. *rolls eyes* Then we went and seen Texas Chainsaw. That movie is fricken sweet! Then we went to Burger King and seen Ryan King there and bugged him for a lil bit. Then we went for a lil joyride. We drove down Richie and all of a damn sudden there was a major fog. Like I could barely see driving. It was scary right after the movie. After that we took her home and she asked her mom if she could spend the night and she finally agreed. So I had to stick around for a lil cause her friend came by so I talked to Devin for a lil while again. Then we stoped by work and she got some food. Then we went home and chatted for a while. This morning we watched a movie and James actually called :) yay before he went to his sister's. Then I went to take Sammie home and on my way back, my clutch ended up going out... right at the intersection of 17 and white creek. I was so..... wow. Pissed and upset. Luckily Devin and Marley had to go somewhere so they were like right behind me. So they tried to help me and then my uncle and dad came by. Nothing worked so we had to have it towed to bassets. *shakes head* There goes $40 of my money. Not to mention I have a field trip that $25 went to.... that I most likely won't be able to go on. See my dad is leaving for maine tonight, so if my mom's car worked I'd be fine. But they just put $450 into it not to long ago and it still doesn't work. Something about the transmission. So mom gets dad's car till he gets back... I have nothing. Also if the car costs to much to be repaired, I'll prly get a loan and find a new used car plus car insurance. so my life is a hassel right now. I hate it. *gah!* I have such a headache right now. My life is like throwing things in my face that I can't handle. I barly have a grip on things right now. Things are tough a lil between me and james even tho I do love him dearly. But this stuff with the car.. and my puppy being hurt last night. I was like no fricken way. I was like crying eailer cause things just aren't going good. *sighs* and I have no one to really talk to right now. I just like need a hug. Like.... totally need a hug. Oh well. I have to go get ready for work soon...... :( maybe a friend or something is working or will show up and say hi... but I doubt it. anyways! ADIOS!