Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2004 31 August :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: exhausted

right now i'm just sitting here with jim.. he's playing playstation.

i got picked up from school at 11:30 today. i had a doctors apointment.. i gained 4 pounds.. i weigh 164. everything looks okay, babys heart beat is strong. jim & my mom went with me.

i fell asleep in class again today, i need to start going to sleep earlier.. 10:00 is to late i guess. blah- the baby kicks and keeps me up all night. the doctor said if i could make it through the next 2 weeks of school that he could write me an excuse for the rest off til i have the baby.. then i could go back in 6-8 weeks. but i don't think i'm going to do that.

blah, i'm so tired- time for bed.

<3

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:: 2004 29 August :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: taking back sunday - a decade under the influence

i woke up at 9:00.. i went up my aunts and helped her get food ready for my baby shower.. by the time we were all done with everything it was almost noon.. and we had to leave by 12:30 to start setting up and everything for the shower.

people started getting there around 1:30. everyone except 2 people from jims family that we invited came.. i was so glad! almost all my family that we invited came to. i was so happy that people actually came. i stressed myself out for nothing.. [you were right kristen! lol]

we got so much stuff! a lot of the big things on my regestry were bought for me like my swing, highchair, palyard, and exersaucer. we got so many outfits and blankets, and everything. when we brought everything home i didn't have enough room in my room so we had to fill my living room up.. ahh. i don't know what i'm going to do with all the things!

jim came to, his mom had to leave early for work so he video taped the whole thing.

i'm still so happy about the turn out. we got so many things that we needed.

anyways, jim came back to my house with me for a couple hours, we went swimming and went through some of the things that we got. he's coming back over tomorrow.

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:: 2004 29 August :: 12.59am

i want to go home.

:: 2004 28 August :: 9.24pm

i hate it here. i just want to go home.

:: 2004 28 August :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: nervous

omgosh, my baby shower is tomorrow at 2:00.. i'm so nervous. today my aunt loraine, aunt di, kelly and i went to set up for it.

what if no one comes?

i keep sitting here and thinking about it, i've been stressing myself out about it for a week or so now.. god i can't believe how scared i am.

:: 2004 26 August :: 12.15am

college was fun the first few days. now i'm so swamped i can't even see straight. i'm confused and lonely and tired and everything all at the same time. i don't know if i want to do this. i just want to quit and go home. i miss home, i miss familiarity, and i miss andrew. i wish he'd write me, but he won't because he doesn't care. nevermind... goodnight.

:: 2004 25 August :: 5.58pm
:: Mood: tired

first day of school today for me.
i'm trying everything in my power to stay occupied so i don't fall asleep. going to school today made me so tired, but i don't want to take a nap because i won't sleep tonight.

all my classes are great. i have a super schedual, i love it. my first 3 classes are upstairs, then the rest are downstairs. i only have books for 3 of my classes, one of which i won't even need for half the year; so that kicks ass.

everyone was telling me about how i looked great and how well i was doing. everyone thought i was only like 4-5 months; i was like "no.. i'm due september 28" everyone was like "whoa, you look SO little!" it got old after a while.

in my 5th pd. fitness class this ariel and erin [freshmen] kept sayin' shit. first ariel pulled my hair so i turned around and told her not to pull my hair.. she denied it and everything i said something else, turned around and they started giggling. then a little bit later the same girl put her foot under my butt a little bit so when i sat back i would sit on the tip of it. and when i did she was like "you sat on my foot!" i was gettin' so pissed off by then so i turned around and yelled "well maybe you shouldn't have put it under my ass; then there wouldn't be a problem!" and we aregued for a minute.. being that she did both of these things while mitch [our gym teacher] was talking was rude. then a few moments after that she was like touching me with papers all over the back so i turned around and i swear to god i had to hold myself back from like hitting her in the face and i said something to her and turned back around. after that she was talking to he friends and mitch got really pissed off. she started yelling at them, i had to laugh cause she'll kick the shit outta them if they don't straighten up. haha, i can't wait.. anyways; after mitch was done explaining everything about the class i asked her about how i was going to make my gym classes up after i had the baby- and she told me to come down and let her see my schedual. when i was going back to my seat ariel was like "hey, come here" and i was just like "what do you want?" and she appoligized to me and said that she didn't know that i was pregnant. --i mean what does me being pregnant have to do with anything? i don't know. i find it kinda funny.

i saw jims cousin racheal today! i forgot she was coming to this school this year, she went to trinity before. she said she was suprised to see me because jim told her that i wasn't going back to school and just getting home schooled.. what a dork he is. i only have lunch with her; and that sucks.. but i'm glad i at least have one period with her.. she's really cool.

i'm really excited about my baby shower.. it's this sunday! i can't wait. but i'm really nervous- i keep thinking no ones going to show up; that scares me so much.

:: 2004 24 August :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: matchbox romance - promise

..i try.

but i don't think just trying is good enough anymore.

..i really don't think that i should be here anymore.

:: 2004 23 August :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: thinking hard.. a little stressed
:: Music: coheed & cambria - a favor house in atlantica

stupid piece of shit.. i accidently deleted my entry from the 16th. stupid asshole.

i spent the last almost week with jim. i had a great time. i finially met his dad. he's great. we stayed at his house 2 nights.

i got home today around 8:00. i walked in the house, and the kitchen, bar room, and dining room was clean when i left on saturday morning- because sam and i cleaned it. i come home to a fuckin' mess. god i was in such a great mood until i saw that. my mom & george left sunday morning to go on a little vacation with the girls and their friends craig & sherry;; they have 2 boys about sam&anns age. dustin was here the whole time; and i guess didn't lift a god damn finger to do shit around here. our bathroom toilet overflowed 2 weekends ago while i was staying over jims and my mom had went somewhere.. and dustin didn't do anything about it and just left it there. so now we can't use that bathroom. maybe i bitch to much.. but it looks like i do everything around here except pay the god damn bills. i practicly take care of my 23 year old brother. what the hell is that? he should be out of the house. i spent my whole summer watching my 2 little sisters while my mom and george were at the bar. they "have to be there" yeah fine.. i watched them. but i'm tired of it now. i'm being taken advantage of. i might be pregnant but that doesn't mean shit.

it's just kinda like i'd much rather move out and have to pay my own doctors bills than to stay here, have my mom pay but be a prisioner in my own house. i mean i have 3 places i could go to stay right now. and all of them very serious about me living with them. but i mean; if i left- my mom and george would be screwed.. because their live-in-babysitter wouldn't be here anymore. then what would they do? omg- my mom would actually have to.. spend time with my sisters. pssh. i don't even think she can handle them nagging her all the time anymore. she'd go crazy.

maybe it'd be easier on my mom if i just moved out anyway. nothings been the same ever since she found out i was pregnant anyway. i'm just a big burden she has to deal with. i can move out if i want to- i'm an emancipated adult now that i'm having a baby even though i'm under the age of 18.

i just keep thinking about what i said in the last paragraph over and over.. and i'm not sure what to do. i just need help.

i need a hug and for someone to say it'll be alright. :(

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:: 2004 21 August :: 5.18am

i can't sleep. i'm sorry. i feel sick, and alone, and stupid. why do i do these things i do? why am i always so stupid? this is killing me. i really don't know what to do. i know i don't deserve you, especially lately... and i'm sorry if i hurt you in any way. i hope you find someone good enough for you and i hope she treats you right.

:: 2004 20 August :: 9.32pm

"i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you. where every single word i said would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming... and you'd want to call me..."

i wanted so bad for you to call me. i wanted so bad to say goodbye.

:: 2004 19 August :: 12.59am

well... i don't know where to start. i leave in 3 days. i hope things turn out okay. i talked to andrew tonight. its the most we've actually talked in a really long time. it was nice. i hope we stay friends. i like him a lot. it was really nice of him to meet me uptown when his friends were taking apart that engine. he's so nice. oh God, please let us stay friends. i just can't get my mind off of him right now. i got those pictures back... i don't even think we look cute together like people used to say. we are so different, but really alike at the same time. its funny how we never talk around people, but when its just us, we are fine. i told him to call me this weekend. i doubt he will... but i'd really like to say goodbye. even though it won't be forever. so long as he's happy, i am happy. i just wish we could stay in touch. i think we will have much more things to talk about when we both are in school. ::sigh:: i am laughing at myself, but ever since i saw him tonight, i just can't stop smiling. i wish he knew how much he meant to me.

:: 2004 15 August :: 1.47am

i hate this place, i want to leave so badly. i can't feel like this anymore. i'm so broken down i feel truly dead inside. i don't want to live like this anymore. i think he hates me and i want to die.

:: 2004 14 August :: 2.16am

i saw 3 1:11s tonight. 3 different clocks. but i made the same wish all three times. tonight was lame. last night was worse. i like to think that i am having fun being an independent woman and that i don't need anyone to have a good time... but i'm just kidding myself. i'm thinking about you... its never stopping and you're not caring. i'm leaving and i hate this because i'm torn between what i want so bad and what i have to do. and i'm not sure whether it would make it easier or not to know how you felt on this subject. i miss you sitting next to me and i'm sure you feel nothing, but i did. i love you and i always will. i hope someday you will see that and maybe even find inside that you like me too.

:: 2004 12 August :: 2.11am
:: Mood: loved

xx interrupted (2:07:14 AM): i need you. :-P
pouncer was here (2:07:33 AM): you got me;-)
xx interrupted (2:09:10 AM): do i got you forrrrever?
pouncer was here (2:09:39 AM): absolutely

i <3 you baby.

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:: 2004 12 August :: 12.27am

i thought things would be okay... i thought that maybe since we were both relatively indifferent about everything that we would be okay. so why am i being left out. i know its always the same... i just want to be a part of something. i want friends and for someone to call and actually want to do something. but i've never had that. i've been used... and i've been let down. i just wanted something to go right. i just wanted to be a part of him. last week leslie said "12 days isn't enough to start something..." she was right about that. and i looked at the calendar the other day and it said 12. now its down to 10. and 10 days isn't enough... but i wasted 6 months. i wish i could say i was sorry. i wish i could say those were the best days of my life... i can think those things, but i can't say them... because you would laugh... you would put me down and pretend not to care... even if you do. because your friends would laugh, they would put me down and say you shouldn't care. but i'll still love you, until the day i die. because you were and are the most perfect person i've ever met. i should have known and i sort of always did that i would never have a legitimate chance with you. well i think i sort of did, and i think i really blew it. maybe someday i'll get some courage and tell you what i've wanted to say for quite a while now... until then, i probably won't see you much in these next 10 days... and if i do see you, we'll probably say little to none... but i love you and i always will... no matter how bad it hurts to give up on everyone else, i believe that you are the one for me, and hopefully God does too. i know fate is what brought us together the first time and i hope it will happen again. all i know is that i'm going to miss you like hell. but life goes on... i don't see you much now, what's even less. hopefully things won't change too much and you'll be here when i return. i hope we can stay in touch but if you won't comply, you were the best friend i never had.

i have ten days to tell you this... i hope i can.

:: 2004 10 August :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: anxious

so i regestered at baby depot [burlington] and target..

target

baby depot

you just have to type in my name to see them: Jena Pust my list will come up.

make sure you take a look!

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:: 2004 9 August :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: talking to jim on the phone

everyone who reads my journal, has to fill this out!! if you don't have a journal on here just leave an anynomous comment!!

haha.. i think this is funny. -_-
please fill it out for me.

01. Who are you, what's our relationship?:
02. How and where did we meet?:
03. Do I come off as a slut?:
04. How long have you known me?:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself:
06. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
07. Describe me in 3 words:
08. Do you think I'm good looking?:
09. Would you ever date me?:
10. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
11: What do you like most about me?:
12: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?:
13. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
14. What do you think my weakness is?:
15. Do you think I'll get married?:
16. If you could give me anything, what would it be?:
17. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?:
18. Would you make a move on me?:

:: 2004 5 August :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: jim playin' mario sunshine on game cube

so yesterday jim ended up coming over around midnight. my mom came home around 1:30, and we talked to her for a bit.. then she said we couldn't leave until 2:30 because all the cops were out looking for drunks on the road.. so we waited til 2:30, then jim finially got to drive us back to his house. we got there and played wheel of fortune on his computer for a little bit; then we went up to his room and tried to go to sleep.. then his brother jeffs phone kept ringing so jim got up and made some big deal outta it and woke his mom up, then she started yelling-- it was funny though. we finially got to sleep around 5:00 i think..

jim kept having nightmares or something, because i woke up in the middle of the night to him kicking his tv off his stand with his foot. he kneed me in the leg to.. haha

his mom and jeff woke up around 8:00, because she had to take him somewhere til 12. at 11:30 she came back to pick jim and i up to take him to meet his probation officer. while he went in to talk to him, jims mom and i sat in the car and talked.

we got back to the house around 12:45 or so, jeff was home. jim and i just chilled around the house played nintendo 64 and wheel of fortune on the computer. we ordered chicken ranch pizza [our favorite!] and bread sticks from up kuzins. it was soo good.

we came to my house around 7:00. my mom left to go to the bar when we got here. we went up my aunts to talk about the baby shower she's throwing me. it's going to be august 29th at edwards chapel. we invited 40 people.

my mom is having a baby shower for me to, except she's having it after the baby's born.. and it'll be more for her friends. my aunts baby shower for me is more for family.

right now i'm just sitting here with jim and my sister sam. they're playing game cube.

<3

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:: 2004 4 August :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: talking to jim on the phone

i'm just sitting here talking to jim on the phone..

he came over on the 2nd. stayed 2 nights. he went home today around 4:00-5:00.

he's comin' back over tonight around 12:00, and i'm gonna call my mom to see if i can go over there when she gets home from closing the bar. other wise he's just gonna stay for a little while.

my doctors apt. yesterday went good. jim went with me, he heard the babys heartbeat for the first time. my next apt. is august 31..

after my mom came to pick us up from the doctors; we went to target to register for my baby shower.. i'm doing the babies room in duckies; it's so cute.

my moms birthday is today.

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:: 2004 2 August :: 4.16pm

love is not easy for me... and now i fear i have lost it. is there any way for me to get it back?