Eyes are the size of the moon...

Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2004 17 May :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: tired

12 days of hell left.

i had a great weekend. i spent it mostly with jim. i stayed over rochelles friday night, and jims saturday. we went to pike days. i ate a lot. jim and i talked. i miss him being over here all the time.. but i know the situation, and it will change soon.

i had my physical today for my permit.. hmmmmm, jim really doesn't want me to get it. i don't really want to get it either; but with things that are going to be coming up soon.. i'm going to need it. [jim, you know what i'm talking about.. 4 months baby.]

i called my mom today around 1:30, told her i didn't feel good. i started crying on the phone. i don't even know the real reason for starting to cry. i'm under a lot of stress and everything, keeping such a big secret to myself. it's harder than you'd think.

i have to go to the magestrate [sp?] tomorrow at 2:30, my mom is picking me up at 2:15. stupid people, if i want to miss school for being sick; let me. don't interfere. god.

i'm trying to stay awake until 11 so i can call jim back.. but i don't know if i'm going to make it. blah.

i love you jim. year and a half baby, and stronger than ever.. we won't let this one thing bring us apart.

Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 15 May :: 6.12pm
:: Music: yellowcard

i don't know why it bothers me... but i just really don't know what happened to us. i never should have went to boston, i know that is why. i knew back then, but i didn't believe it. but this isn't working. i can't do this anymore... i thought we had something. i don't know if i was right or wrong, but why is he doing this? i just wish someone could tell me, but chances are he doesn't even know. i don't know what he is thinking... i don't know what he was ever thinking. but i miss him so much i could cry. i miss him so much i don't even know what to say.

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 14 May :: 5.40pm

another year of school is gone. summer sun brings everyone back home. we're heading out on the town for nights of fun. i guess its fun. i'm spending my summer wasting time. thats what i'm doing now. wasting time.

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 14 May :: 10.45am
:: Mood: poopie

not really doing anything.. just waiting for becky to get done with a worksheet that i need to copy.

talked to jim last night. i'm gonna try to go over his house tonight. i don't have to watch the girls this weekend, they go to their dads house.. woohu. it's pike days this weekend. oh yea. rochelle and i are going out to eat with her dad on saturday. then on sunday i'm going to pike days with rochelle and jim probably. but i'm not sure yet.

blah, it's going to be a long day.

Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 12 May :: 1.28am

tonight: went to cardinals game in stl. met dr. brown and his son ryan. met ray carions's son david. talked to david for some time. he was nice. cool. i would talk to him again. other than that, day was lame. now drunk people are bothering me on msn. and i am still just thinking that i miss getting good e-mails.

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 11 May :: 11.11am
:: Mood: hahaha

oh people these days. i guess i need to be "supported" now..? lmao, oh man. to funny.

1 Comment | Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: stressed

i wish jim would answer his phone, and i wish the people that i talk to; or otherwise known as friends; would all stop lying. i don't even know who's telling the truth or who's lying their asses off anymore.. they both go hand in hand.

Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 10 May :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: irritated

i miss jim, i got to see him wednesday.. but that wasn't enough. i want to see him all the time! ..but oh well, i'm living. lol

didn't really do anything this weekend.. well nothing that i actually planned. i was supposed to do some things, but i either didn't do them, or i had to work.. saturday my mom, sisters and i were supposed to go shopping. buuuuuuuuuut;; my mom only put chelsea (waitress) on for saturday night.. and she majorly needed help. so i worked. from 4 til 11. i had probably about 10 tables all at once, which was hard as hell. but i managed.. and made some cash while i was at it.

sunday was mothers day. i bought my mom a mug that says "mom, i love you" and it's cutesy and stuff. i got sam and anna roses at wal*mart saturday night, so they gave her roses.. dustin got her beautiful flowers. george was supposed to put her deck together, and put the new dishwasher we yesterday in.. but he ended up getting drunk off his ass and acting like an idiot, which was funny.. and not doing it. so i guess my mom didn't have to good of a mothers day, considering that was the only 2 things she really wanted done.. but hey, can't win'em all. i just felt bad for her because even though she was mad, she was more dissapointed. and i know what it feels like to be dissapointed. it just sucks.

school sucked today, have algebra homework, and a huge history test tomorrow that i need to pass. it counts for 1/5 our 4th 9 weeks grade.. eek. that sucks.

a lot of things are happening in school, especially with amy and becky.. which i think is funny.. and so does everyone else. buuuut; here's what happened in case anyone that reads this doesn't know: becky basicly called amys hair a rats nest (or something to the sort) JOKINGLY, and amy took it all seriously and flipped out. randi and i laughed, because drama is funny. and now for about a week.. amy and becky have been fighting. i guess amy said that becky called her like 6 times, buuuut i don't believe that. becky only called her once. so today, amy told someone that she pushed becky into the lockers and called her a bitch and to stay outta her way or something.. but thats not true at all, and i asked amy about it and she denied it and then went on and told me that becky told kristen that i was talking about her.. which made me laugh even more; because i asked kristen and becky about it- and they didn't know what i was talking about. so please tell me this.. who's lying here?

2 Comments | Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 10 May :: 12.29am

ok ok... so i was excited. so i did feel happy... i've never won anything before... and as stereotypical as it might be, i kind of like being prom queen.
its just too bad i was nearly the only person there without someone.
i guess once a loser... always a loser.

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 7 May :: 11.12pm
:: Music: "november" - azure ray

another friday night alone in this room... something is missing....

or maybe someone...

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 7 May :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: lonely

i went over jims house on wednesday.. stayed their for a couple hours, then went to amys and stayed.

didn't go to school today. i woke up and couldn't get out of bed, it felt like something in me was being ripped or something. i don't know; hard to explain, but it hurt.

..another lonely weekend for me.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 5 May :: 10.33pm
:: Music: "wish you were here" - the get up kids

okay... so i know what you're thinking... actually i have no idea what you are thinking? is anybody even out there? anywhere? you have to be... i know you're out there... somewhere out there...

well i know the roads are winding and the lights are blinding... but somehow something will end up right. it has to... everyone seems to go through this... and everyone... well most everyone ends up semi-happy. at least with something to show for it. i don't know... i don't even know why i come here. it is quite a waste of my time and it always just gets me thinking about things... things that i don't really care to think about. i've been through a hell of a lot... not so much as some, but still a lot... and i don't think i really have much to show for it. maybe a few battle wounds, but i don't even believe that i have participated in the good fight... whatever that may be. ... ... i don't know.. for all thats on my mind, i sure do a lot of rambling...

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 4 May :: 7.37pm
:: Music: guilt show by the get up kids

i am looking out for something new. what is all of this that is happening here? some things change for the better... and some are for the worse. and it amazes me how fast things change. i can't wait for another twenty-four days.. i can't wait to put all of this behind me and forget everything i have gone through to get here. i just don't want to think about anything or anyone anymore. i'm happy here where i am? aren't i? maybe i made the wrong decision.. and maybe it was right. but at least i chose a direction to take. at least i'm going somewhere... doing something. if not the right thing, some thing... right? and i've seen the subways of boston, i've seen the palm trees of california, and i've seen the muddy mississippi in st. louis... and i've decided here is home. and home is where i'll stay... at least until i find my way away.

XXinterrupted

:: 2004 4 May :: 11.06am
:: Mood: stressed

i can't stand it anymore, i'm getting the shitty end of the deal. relationships are supposed to be 2 people trying to make it work.. right? because i'm the only one in this relationship anymore. i cry every night because of it.

..but i doubt jim cares.

1 Comment | Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 3 May :: 10.13pm
:: Music: "wonderwall" - ryan adams

there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how...
At first it was everyday. A new message from him... even if it was about nothing, he seemed excited to write. every saturday night was driving around the towns, wasting gas and time, but boy was it fun. we'd talk about everything... from the blue and white viper model we both had to what we wanted to do with our lives. eventually when the towns cleared, we'd venture to the country... explore new roads that neither of us had ever been on. sometimes we'd end up lost, and come speeding back into town to part at nearly 3 a.m. time went on, mostly the same. he met my friends and i met his. the messages were still coming... but not until wednesday. i didn't mind though... i knew he was busy with school. and i now had wednesday to look forward to. we started hanging out more with his friends instead of alone... and then with my friends. it was never just us again. then the messages came only on fridays... one lonely message it seemed without interest. he seemed bored and preoccupied. his friends needed him... i needed to see boston. since then... the messages came only when i wrote first... they were quick responses... nothing new. just answers to the few questions i could think to ask him. we stopped seeing each other except for in other peoples cars and occassionally in church. then the messages stopped completely. i would check every day and sometimes twice just to make sure he hadn't dropped me a line... but no. wednesdays and saturdays were just that again... just more days in the long week. i haven't talked to him forever it seems... except for the casual "hey, whats up" he always greets me with when we pass by each other hurredly. i don't know why but i always seem to think back to new years eve night. i spent it with him. he looked at me like i was something special.. he wanted everything to be perfect for me. i read back over the messages he had sent and how they had progressed. he seemed so energetic at the beginning... then it was obvious that the interest he had in writing me had waned. i hope and pray that it is just school that has kept him so busy and occupied. i pray that summer will bring him back to be the person i knew not so long ago... but i don't really know if thats ever going to happen again. i guess i will know in a week though... so that is why i think i miss him most on wednesdays and saturdays.

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 3 May :: 6.56pm
:: Music: "only one" - yellowcard

so it was another long day... i'm sick of reading, sick of writing, sick of feeling like this. sick of acting like this. there is so much to live for... why do i feel like there is nothing left. i read back a few pages... how pathetic am i. i have gone through the same ignorant feelings for the last time on here. i refuse to let things play out like this. starting tonight.. and from now forward... i am going to live for so much more...

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 2 May :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: "wonderwall" - ryan adams

i am scared of airplane rides and being alone. it was a long week in california. a long week of no communication. a long week of more and more dissappointments. i'm tired... tired of everything and everyone i spent it with. i don't miss palm trees and ocean waves. i missed being home. i thought i belonged here... but i guess i don't. not with who i wanted to belong with. all i really know is that i am so tired of feeling this way. but i really don't know any other way of feeling. i guess its my fault... i threw away the happiest time of my life. it was the best time i ever had... where i actually felt like i had a friend or two. but then everything fell apart... i guess i knew it would. nothing gold can stay. and its my fault i know... i should have known right away. i guess i just got closer than i thought i did. i want this feeling of longing to go away, but i don't want this feeling of longing to go away. i can't explain anything. all i know is that i miss so much those nights of driving aimlessly and getting lost on country roads... and i fear i took them for granted and that is why they have been taken away from me. if i could have one thing in this entire world... i would have those nights back... and i would make a difference. i would do something... say something. like that song says.. "sink or swim you've gotta give it a whirl..."

all i want is one more chance....

please...

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 30 April :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: sad

i don't think i ask to do many things. i'm not demanding. i watch my sisters every day. i've been watching them for weeks. i never go anywhere.

..but the weekend i do want to do something, no. i can't.

wtf.

Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 28 April :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: depressed

i hate everything about you.
why do i love you?

Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 26 April :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: evanescence - anybodys fool

i wish this never happened. it's going to ruin everything. it's already basicly ruined jim and i.. if i could have only one wish in my whole entire life, it'd be for it to just go away.. just go away. i want things the way they were before it happened!

jim's never around anymore, i don't have any friends because i don't talk to any. i need to tell someone; but i don't trust anyone anymore.. all my "friends" do is gossip. thats why i basicly stopped talking to everyone.. or if i do talk to them i don't tell them anything.

i hate this.

1 Comment | Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 24 April :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: incubus - stellar

i'm just sitting here, turned on the radio and incubus is on. what luck i have.

..no i'm not lucky.

my life is going to shit.

friends, boyfriends, family. 3 important things;; or are they?

life has to many complications to it.. all we're supposed to do is live and die. so why do we have to get pregnant and make more mindless conforming people?

i'm sitting here in the dark with a bunch of candles lit. just like the last time jim was here.. i guess i really don't understand him anymore. i don't even know what's going on between us. i have to practicly black mail him to get him to stay over here. is it me? i think just being around me makes him sick anymore. ever since a few months ago. i know what the reason is. i know. but he keeps telling me that it's not the reason.. i don't know. all i know is that he can't keep doing the stuff he's doing.. i keep beating myself up over it; i blame myself because i think it's my fault. i probably is my fault anyways.

can you be so sad, and so happy at the same time? i guess you can;; because i am. i thought i was over that being sad shit.. but i guess when you make the biggest mistake in your whole life with someone who you thought loved you more than everything in the whole world.. being sad just comes easy. it comes easy..

i just remembered why i hate being in the dark..

my mom took me shopping today.. we went to gadzooks, hot topic, bon ton and dots. i got 2 pair of jeans, 1 pair of capris, and a bunch of shirts.. it made my mom happy that she was buying me things, cause she actually had money to spend.. she's under a lot of stress lately with the bar and everything. i've been working a lot more lately. i like it; gets my out of the house.. away from thinking about things. it's good for me i guess.

..i keep finding myself staring off into the candle on my desk.

friday i went shopping with my mom & george for things for the bar and everything. saturday i got up, went to the social hall in bentlyville for the making of the SADD video.. went to work right after that [@ 11] and then at 4:30 my mom and i went shopping. after that around 6:30- we went back to the bar so i could change and get freshened up. we left around 7:30 and my mom & george took me to hannah's birthday party. i got there at 8, stayed till 8:30, went home and now here i am.. without jim.

right now i have to go up and say bye to my aunt loraine.. she's leaving for the weekend; going to the amish country.. i haven't even talked to her in at least a week. i've been ignoring my friends, as well as my family. which is a lot more important to me then friends.. i have to start getting my priorities straight.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 22 April :: 10.05am
:: Mood: bitchy

i guess now movies are more important than me, wtf. that's fuckin' pathetic.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 21 April :: 10.31am
:: Mood: blank

haven't writen in almost a month. a lot of things have been going on- my internet being down for one. but my mom said she's calling today to fix it.. we'll see if she forgets.

i hate when people lie. especially when the lie involves me.

i hate when i eat all the time.

i hate it that i'm getting fat.........

i hate always having to watch my little sisters because i'm the only one ever home.

i hate getting up in the morning.

i hate when jim disappoints me.
..and when he never comes over.
..and when he lies.
..and when he doesn't keep his promises.
..and when he does something that makes me feel like shit or hurts me and it seems not to phase him or he turns it against me and acts like it's my fault.

i hate that my life revolves around jim, and his doesn't seem to revolve around me.

hmmmm, i started out only going to say something about people lying, and then i got a little carried away..

i still haven't paid the $2.. i have the money, i just haven't sent it yet. ahhh.. i have to send it soon, or my journal will be deleted.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

girlxunnoticd

:: 2004 9 April :: 3.15pm

nothing anyone can do or say can make things the way they used to be.

i miss andrew.

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 9 April :: 12.07am
:: Mood: cranky

jim came over today, he went home around 7 to clean out his dresser for his mom- and he promised to try really hard to come back tonight, but no way.. jim keep his promises?

..so me always seeming to have so much time on my hands;; i cleaned my room. with the help of sam/anna. they did a lot to. i was glad for the help. but anyways, i'm still not completly done. i have to dust/clean off the top of my computer desk where my stereo is.. and sweep. it needs swept badly.

easter is sunday, i can't wait for my easter basket! =) haha.

have to go back to school on tuesday, spring break is over. eh, it sounds horrible to even mention it..

anyway, i'm gonna go back to finish reading my english book.

Leave a comment

xxinterrupted

:: 2004 7 April :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: distressed

things are.. wierd lately.. i can't tell if i'm having a good day;; a bad day..? umm..

Leave a comment