Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2004 23 March :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: cranky

its funny how your enemies always seem to turn out to be all your best friends; best friends.

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:: 2004 22 March :: 10.39am
:: Mood: tired

i'm in school.

lets see..

my mom bought a bar.

i accidently deleted my internet explorer. so now i can't go on any sites at home.. until i talk to jim and see what he can do. i hope he can fix it.

i have a 90% in english (woohu! thats great!) i brought my health grade up from a 56%, to an 82% (thats even better!) oh yeah. i'm very proud of myself.

i had a bad weekend. :(

i want to eat. my mom gave me $27 for lunch and things. :)

thats all i have to tell.
xx.jena

:: 2004 15 March :: 11.05am
:: Mood: i have a headache

i forgot to tell everyone that jim, his mom & i saw an oscar meyer weiner truck saturday on the way to the hospital!

but anyways, last night jim & i went to my house around 9. we went to sleep at 10-10:30. woke up at 5:50, jim woke up at 6:30. he went to work, i came to school. and here i am now. blah.

our history project didn't get done. miscommunication i guess you could say. but i don't know. i was actually trying in my f-in classes- and now i got a 0/60. hip-hip-horray.

thanks a lot.

anyways in good news, i'm getting my permit soon.. i guess. jim doesn't really want me to get it, and i'm really not in any hurry to get it. my mom wants me to for some reason. but whatever. i'll get it if she wants me to.

i just printed out some pictures for rochelle of a sponge, flatworm, & a jellyfish.

i have to go, periods almost over.

:: 2004 14 March :: 1.17pm
:: Mood: silly

last night jim and i went with his mom. first we went to the permit place for jim, and he needs to get his contacts.. he can't see outta his right eye!

after that we went to fridays to eat, [jim payed for us!] i got chicken alfredo and cheese n' broccolli soup. it was good. jim got a swiss mushroom burger and i don't really know what jim's mom got. some sorta chicken & potatoes. after that we went to target- jim got a game for the computer and some lime tic-tacs for me. his mom got some things to. after that we went to the hobby shop in robinson- jim bought me Smart Mouth. [it's so fun!] and he got a little modle car thingy. i dunno what exactly it is. it's cute though. :) we finially made it to the hospital by 7:00 to see jims brother freddy. he's doing good.

we got home around 12. i actually got to stay at jims house! woohu! so i called my mom and she said it was okay. we all woke up around 9:00, and jim made some breakfast around 11. jims mom left for work around 11:30-12:00? and now we're just waiting for her to go to the mall to get jims contacts, then i don't know if i'm going with them again to see freddy, or if she'll just drop me off at home.

thats all. -yawn-

:: 2004 10 March :: 11.33pm

so i spent the latter part of the night playing poker with my brother and my dad and listening to the graduation song by vitamin c. i used to hate the song and i'm still not too fond of it, but it sort of seems like it fits. i wanted so badly to leave this place... why now do i feel i have to stay? i still don't know what to do. and i'm afraid that even if i do stay close things aren't going to be like i want anyway. i mean obviously its not working. i don't know what to do about anything. i just don't know what to do... all i want in this whole world is friends who care. friends who are real. not these people that i have learned to tolerate because of lack of better things. i want friends like sisters and brothers. i don't know... i just know this isn't working anymore, and in about a month, i am going to have to make a huge decision. i just guess i can't think straight because the best times of my life have been with someone whom i don't even really know.

:: 2004 7 March :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: pissed off

what was supposed to happen this weekend:

friday- i was supposed to go over amys to do our history project.

what actually happened this weekend:

friday- amy went to her grams. so jim and i stayed at my house again.

saturday- i went to jims house to print pictures for our history. and amy was supposed to be home sometime that day. and then she tells me that she can't come home because her gram hurt her knee, her pap was at his sons for the weekend, and her mom wouldn't come get her. so okay.. i was screwed over. so i had to call my mom and have her come get me- which she is so pissed off because she was on her way to pittsburgh for the night.

today- i'm just lounging around the house actually LOOKING for pictures for our history project. jim should be here sometime tonight; he's going to see his brother in the hospital..

yeah, kelly and i are tired of getting fucked over.. huh kelly?

:: 2004 6 March :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: pissed off

you should never cry over spilt milk. unless of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.

:: 2004 1 March :: 7.52pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: fingereleven - bones and joints

i actually had a pretty good weekend..

friday- went to jims around 5 or so. his mom got home around 6:30, we watched out cold together, jims mom thought it was so funny.. =D so then a little later we ordered from kuzins- jim & i drove up to get it. we ate then i went up amys around 9:30.

saturday- i woke up around 10:30. didn't get ahold of jim til around 12 or so? i went down his house from about 4 til 8 or something. amy had to go to the hospital to work or whatever. so we just chilled at his house. later that night jim amy & i took a ride out to bentlyville to subway- then we drove around cokeburg til around 10 or so. we had so much fun- haha. that was a good night

sunday- bad day.. huh jim?

:: 2004 25 February :: 11.03am

happy birthday jim, love you so much sweetie! :-D

:: 2004 25 February :: 10.39pm

it seems like i just can't get things right. will i ever be as happy as i am on those saturday nights... doing nothing, just driving, just talking. and even in our silence i am just enthralled. but now i sit here, waiting. its wednesday, the day he usually writes. but... nothing. and she says he wrote her a day or two ago at the same time she is telling me that he loves me. how can she do this to me? but what do i have on her? she is prettier, smarter, funnier, more flirtacious (sp?), more experienced. she is everything that i will never be. i should know this by now. i should stop doing this to myself. but i couldn't help it this time. i fell into this trap unknowing. i thought we were just friends. not even close friends... but now... i can't get him off my mind for 2 seconds. i don't know what to do. and i stupidly think that maybe things will work out. yeah right. he'll be hers soon... and she'll just turn him down. why can't i just be happy?

:: 2004 20 February :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: drained

i'm at jims house right now, i'm going to rochelles later tonight though.

happy birthday amy. love you!

:: 2004 14 February :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: depressed

my pap died today.

..happy valentines day

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:: 2004 12 February :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: finding nemo on dvd

i didn't go to school today, i felt/feel like shit. i stayed up my aunts came down the house around 6:00 a.m. i went back to sleep until 6:30 [i catch the bus at 6:45] and then i woke up and just told me mom that i wanted to stay home. so she let me.. and i didn't do anything all day except go on the computer and eat soup. blah.

my aunt bettys being layed out tonight and tomorrow. my mom wanted me to go tonight- but i told her i didn't want to because i'm sick, and just don't feel like doing anything. so i'm going probably tomorrow night. i don't know, i hate those things.. :(

my paps heart rate was only 27 today.. but my aunt said it goes up and down all the time, but this is the lowest it's ever been. my gram called her son [my uncle dave] he lives in flordia. she told him that he better come up to see him.. which means he's not doing well at all. it's kinda scary to sit and watch him like that, and not be able to do anything. everyones always crying- and so am i. i know everyone has to die sometime, but it's too soon. it's too soon.

i don't think i'm going to go to amys, jims or rochelles this weekend. i don't know yet- i guess i'll see how things go with everything. i don't want to leave my pap right now.

i wish jim was here with me. i need someones shoulder to cry on..

:: 2004 11 February :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: upset

my aunt betty died a couple days ago. her funeral is tomorrow and the next day i think.

my pap isn't doing well. he got back from the hospital last night- they put him on morphine pills to help him breath. his heart is so weak that it's hurting him to breath.. and they're only giving him a couple days i guess. but we'll see how things go..

todays my sister annas birthday. happy birthday anna. we're going up my aunts to have a little party for her so my gram and pap don't have to come down here. it's to hard for them.

no school friday. inservice day.

the staind concert was good, i had fun. i called jim and talked to him for about 5 minutes. and what people get mad over these days. i just laugh cause it's so trivial. amy and i didn't really even sit by each other. her mom sat between us so she could lean back. amy was talking to some guy anyways. we got home fairly early, and i went to bed cause i was a little sick and really tired. i called rochelle like 5 times and left her messages of staind playing on stage.

the guy from try again homes came to get an update from me again. he said "your attendance is good, but it looks like your grades went down in a lot of your classes." i was just like "yeah, i'm trying harder now" stupid people- stay out of my life. i'm fine.

everytime i call jim it's either busy, or no one answers. he said he'd come to annas party- but no- of course not.

thursday after school i'm going to amys to do our history project and staying til friday. later friday i'm going to jims and staying if his moms home, then saturday i'm going to rochelles, and coming home sunday night probably. valentines day is saturday. :) i got jim something cute.. i love his card i got him to.

my sister sams been sick, she went to the doctors the other day. now i'm getting sick. i think i have strep throat.. but i don't know if i really do or not. all i know is that i feel like shit.

oh, i was talking to doug [my cousin] up aunt loraines, and he said that he might be able to get a job for jim working with him in pittsburgh. that'd be great. buuuuuuuut- georges son matt and his friend dusty [doug got them a job there to] didn't come to work half the time, and didn't actually work when they were there.. so dougs boss might not want someone else that doug recommends. but i really hope they need someone else, and do hire jim. that'd be great for him.

thats all i can think of. that was a long entry.

xx.jena

:: 2004 9 February :: 10.57am
:: Mood: bouncy

yeah, i'm in school. jim went home last night, and i went to amys. right now i'm talking to nichole and becky. nothing is really going on, it's quite boring anymore.

1st period was boring, so was 2nd, 3rd we didn't even do anything.. and this period i actually did my work. and i'm almost done. yeah thats good.

going to history next..

later tonight is the staind & three days grace concert with amy! woohoo. can't wait.

:: 2004 6 February :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: staind - outside

"all the times that i felt insecure, for you. and i leave the burdens at the door. but i'm on the outside, and i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. inside you're ugly.. ugly like me."

i haven't been doing anything really, going to school coming home being with jim. [he's been at my house for about 2 weeks] going on the internet less and less. i dunno why, i guess cause jim's here and he keeps me occupied.

i got my report card.. english-74%, global studies-60% u.s. history-70% science-83% algebra-88%, advanced word processing-88%, child development-97%, health-65%. hip hip hooray?

anyways, i've been going up my aunt loraines a lot to visit them and my gram/pap. my pap still isn't doing well. i think my aunt said his pulse is only 32, and usually people don't live when it's under 50 or something along that lines. i forget what she said exactly. her and my uncle went to lancaster for their anniversary. they'll be home late tomorrow.

i think jim's going home tonight- i'm staying here til sunday then going to amys. we're going to school monday and her mom is picking us up and taking us to a Staind concert. [[i promise you jim that i won't do that. i swear on your life, and mine.]] so i'll tell everyone how that went after i come back.

i'm "getting involved" in school.. oh joy.

thats all i have for now.

xx.jena

:: 2004 3 February :: 7.51pm

don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head... i miss you i miss you
i never thought it would be, my two favorite songs are by blink 182.
they remind me of someone...

i miss him...

:: 2004 27 January :: 8.24pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: some stupid shit

my birthday
todays my birthday. :)

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:: 2004 20 January :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: fingereleven - bones and joints

people can go shit themselves.

:: 2004 19 January :: 10.21pm
:: Music: "think twice" eve 6

i like to think that everything happens for a reason. and i like to think that everything thats been happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening. i mean it seemed to work out perfectly. everything was wrong and then along came andrew. and he made everything right. he is a great friend. and he makes me so happy everytime i get to talk to him or see him. so happy that i can't wait to see him again. and thats really all i have to say.

:: 2004 18 January :: 11.10am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: nickleback - figure you out.

..i think thats the name of the song. who cares.

i sat here for about 20 minutes staring at the wall thinking about stuff. everythings always so dramatized. always.

examples:
-my birthday party last year when amy said that jim tried to hit her
-car accidents.. *cough*
-things in school
-people being "pregnant"
-me yelling at jim for nothing

and i also thought about how i love being in drama, i live for it. when nothing is going on, i make something go on.

i think i need to stop that.
but-- if i stop that, what will i do?

:: 2004 17 January :: 8.16pm

wow its been a while. things are happening slowly, but fast. we are becoming friends. talking all the time. i've known him for so long and nothing ever.. and now all of a sudden, i love him.

well thats all that i've got.

goodnight.

:: 2004 15 January :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: poop
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live

i guess my sister anna took my money. i got it back, and yeah.. it took us like an hour to get sam & anna to tell who took it. anna made sam not tell, but in the end "annd needed to talk to sam".. anna came out and confessed that she took it. yeah- i'm still missing a couple dollars though. my mom told me she'd just give it to me.

we got our algebra report grades back, we got a 99%. or in points we got 129/130. whoa, i really didn't expect to get that good of a grade, but i'm happy with it.

i also got Alex [the baby in child development] today, i got 100%, or in points a 50/50. oh yeah- i'm such a good mother. i have it with me right now, taking it home for 10 bonus points.. but i don't think i'll get them, because my cousins boyfriend hit the baby in the head.. err. dumby. i almost started crying though, i was so upset.

jim still hasn't called me.. i don't understand. i tried to call his dads and no one answers. if he is at home [since his fone is disconnected] why can't he walk to someones house and call me? i don't understand..

:: 2004 14 January :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: announcments on the radio

nichole & i presented our algebra project today- it was crap. we worked hard on it, and it still turns out like junk. what the hell. somethings wrong with that picture. i don't even know anymore..

in child development i get the baby tomorrow! i'm actually excited, but scared because what if i drop it or something? i don't know what i'll do. it'll hurt my grade :( and i have at least a 98% in there. damn. i know i'll do a good job. i'm bringing it home for the night for 10 bonus points. hell yeah.

i guess jim's home phone is disconnected- which really pisses me off. he should have called me- he has friends houses to go to. he can call me from other places. all i have to say is he better call me, or see hell raised.

[edit:] i have $55.00 for jims birthday present, only a couple hundred more to go.

:: 2004 12 January :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: staind - so far away

nichole & i have to present our algebra project tomorrow. i went over her house tonight for about an 1 1/2 hours. we made the rest of the signs we needed, and practiced our skit we made up. [it's actually neat.] i do have to say- i did a good job on my poster i made for it. jim helped too.

jim went home tonight.. i miss him already though. it's hard having him over here for almost 2 weeks straight and then him just leaving like that. i got used to him being here everyday when i got home from school. it sucks.

in child development we get to carry around the fake-babies. yay. [sarcasm] i chose to bring it home and take care of it for a full 24 hours. so jim's gonna come over and help. in case it cries in the middle of the night or something he'll be up, so he'll take care of him.

nothing is really going on in my life. it doesn't suck as much as i used to think it did though- but i don't know, it's jims fault. he makes me happy :-D