we grow up. to give up.

we grow up. to give up.

:: 2008 25 November :: 10.13pm

A.I. for right now, what do you know about Lebron James in 2010?
Im thinking Pistons will destroy everything.

edit : thinking about getting cornrows, A.I. style. Not sure yet though.

Have you given up?

tuwang

:: 2008 21 November :: 9.53am

if you could be less spiteful that would be fantastic...

11 All grown up | Have you given up?

acidtears

:: 2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.

Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey

(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

Have you given up?

rayray

:: 2008 17 November :: 10.33pm

It's pathetic how I find myself defending why I love my boyfriend after 3 years, to people who know me better than a lot of people.
And they tell me that I'm not happy.
But truth be told, I am the happiest I've ever been.
In high school, I was a train wreck.
I was always depressed, crying over never-meant-to-be relationships, drama ate at me like I was a thanksgiving turkey, and I was stressed out the moment I stepped foot into my house.
I was constantly being told what to do.
And I hated every moment of the life I lived outside of my friends.
I may not hang out with my friends as much as I used too, and those relationships may have grown awkard over the past 3 years.
But I truly am happy.
I finally have someone I love that I can come home to everyday, and wake up to every morning.
It may not be the best of relationships, but I am happy.
After this long, I shouldn't have people who I feel I can trust, telling me that I should have a baby, but not until I get a different boyfriend.
I haven't felt that hurt in awhile.
Many of you feel the same way, but don't judge until you know the whole story.
I shouldn't have to defend my life to others.

1 All grown up | Have you given up?

acidtears

:: 2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.

And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.

The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.

So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.

-Samm d'Massacre.

5 All grown up | Have you given up?

acidtears

:: 2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher

music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you

Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you

I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...

Have you given up?

rayray

:: 2008 14 November :: 10.44pm

finally broke down and went to the doctors wednesday.
sinus AND respiratory tract infection.
lucky me.

1 All grown up | Have you given up?

acidtears

:: 2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.

"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".

That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.

It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.

But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.

-Samm d'Massacre

2 All grown up | Have you given up?

tuwang

:: 2008 13 November :: 1.48pm

So yeah... I've got some time so I guess I'm about ready to update you guys.

Been pretty stressful here, as far as classes go. But I've managed to maintain an A- so I'm alright in that department. Plus I got an 88 on the last test with a class average of 62. My theory is that someone just didn't show up, regardless...

I really need to take some pictures of where I am at. I noticed that all my pictures are of me drinking. Not to say that I'm not drinking a lot, a problem I need to find a solution for desperately, but I'm not JUST drinking. I'm doing a lot of things recently. I guess the problem is that I have a hard time taking pictures of anything interesting because I feel like such a tourist. I will do a lot of things here because I don't really care what the people think of me, and it gets me somewhere usually. For some reason, though, I can't seem to take pictures. Soon enough I will get some real good ones.

Speaking of drinking, this weekend is sure to be packed to the brim of fun. starting tomorrow morning I'm going to some elementary school to play games with kids. It's mandatory, which kind of pisses me off. I've already volunteered to do a few of these kinds of things and I'd rather just sleep in, but you know, I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.

So after waking up at around 8 and getting back at around 12, I have 2 hours or less to just chill out for awhile, before I have to bike to the train station to catch a train to Kyoto. Luckily they are paying for the ticket for me. By them, I mean some Women's College of some sort or another. They are loaded, and have decided to pay for a few of us to take a train and a taxi (keep in mind that a taxi is about 2 dollars per foot, fucking expensive) to the school, and then for the ride back. I'm not actually taking the train back though...

Afterwards, Nate, Nick, and I are going to chill in Kyoto and see what happens for awhile. They claimed that the event won't end until 8, and I'm still not sure exactly what we are doing there. I think we are just trying to help them with their english or something, who knows.

So I imagine we'll eat some food, get some liquor, do some shopping or something, and maybe buy a burger and McDonalds so we can take a nap. Yes you just read that correctly.

Around 10-10:30 we are meeting up with Kelly, Yui, Shige, Adam, Megumi, and maybe one of her friends, at which point we will consume endless amounts of alcohol and then attempt to do some clubbing of some sort. This will last, I'm assuming until about 5 in the morning.

Then, I will be fucked, I'll die on the train home, barely crawl into bed and go into a desperately needed coma until about 2 or 3 that afternoon.

I'll wake up, try to get some homework done, and then head out to the bar to bid my friends farewell as they head off to live in Tokyo.

Sunday, maybe I'll rest, we'll see....

I have a meeting with my teacher now for some conversation time so I will catch you chaps later.

だから、今私は先生と話に行きます。今週の週末にとても急がしくなります根から、らいしゅうぜんぜん話しないと思います。じゃあ、まったね。

Have you given up?

acidtears

:: 2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused

I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.

Give her a warm welcome, everyone!

Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.

So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.

[edit :: 3:46am]

Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.

I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.

But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.

Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.

Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.

My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.

I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.

My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.

At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.

So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.

Thanks.

* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]

5 All grown up | Have you given up?

rayray

:: 2008 9 November :: 11.15am

I feel like I have a lot of emotion to pour out.
But I don't know how to put a lot of it into words.
It's been so long since I have vented any of my emotions.
I think that its because Im gradually getting better at telling Mike how I feel instead of bottling it up, and then just lashing out at him the next time he pisses me off.
Its kind of pathetic that after 3 years I still have a hard time telling him how I feel about certain things.
Most the time I am just trying to spare him the hurt, because I am a harsh bitter person.
I used to blame his daughter for every little thing, and I'd hide out in the bedroom when she'd come over.
But I've overcome that, and I think that I am even coming around to the thought of having kids eventually.

I think I'm growing up..

Have you given up?

jayzulla

:: 2008 5 November :: 1.53pm

kimbo got tko'd. lol.

Have you given up?

rayray

:: 2008 4 November :: 9.11am

So I've basically spent the last day and a half in bed..
I made an attempt at work yesterday. I felt perfectly fine, then all of a sudden I'm sweating profusely, feeling like I am going to vomit, and then I passed out.
I've been shakey, cold, then extremely hot.
The littlest movement makes my head throb so bad I start balling.
My head hurts even more when the lights are on.

I feel like ass, and look just as worse.

My sister, Derrick, and Seth are coming up in a couple of weeks.
Im really excited about that because I miss them all..

2 All grown up | Have you given up?

jayzulla

:: 2008 2 November :: 2.32am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3M4VacJ4NU

done this1 million times but nobdy understands still. except mishy. kimbo = not shit and washed up. anderson silva is king. nobody will ever be as dominate as he was/is. 1:01 spinning back elbow knockout, who does that? no one. sickest move ever in mma. respect anderson or die.

edit. 4:45 is the sickest bjj triagle you will ever see in your life. and 6:02 is the most disgusting knockout you will ever see in your life. spiing beck
elbow. ouch!.

edit # 2. Spelling wasnt the best, but i still have to give him props. nobody will ever match his skill of fighting. kimbo is chump, lenser is chump, everybody ever is chump compared to him. regardless who it is, it could be fedor at 185 and andersons clinch is to good for anybody to withstand. his strikes are all sniper style. the just hit, and you feel it. love the man, many kudos. plz dont retire in 09!

edit # 3: im sure most of you know this already but i just want to say it. most youtubers (90.5%) of them are morons and try to ethug out.

1 All grown up | Have you given up?

jayzulla

:: 2008 2 November :: 2.32am

Have you given up?