Internet
I've been talking to SO many interesting potential sex partners over the internet. I love it! I'm meeting a nice guy named Rob tomorrow in Foxboro. I made plans with Brett, who is SEXY, for Thursday afternoon, and I made plans with some other guy I've forgotten about on Saturday. Who could it have been!?! LOL! I got SO many responses it's so hard to keep track of everybody! I got a new tattoo today of a thorny green vine in the shape of an X across Steve's name. I like it, but I'm kind of sad because even though he's a fuck face I still miss him. He is another addiction which makes it even more important for me to stay away. The other day I made a new awesome friend named Heather. And tonight, my friend called and told me he wants me to take his virginity. YAY!!! Now, it's off to bed. Good night world that's not out there!

Sex
So the other day, I posted an ad on Craig's List looking for friends with benefits. I, of course, got over fifty replies, which I find just great! I met one guy at Dunkin Donuts and we had a little fun in the back seat of his car. We met up again tonight and we were supposed to have sex, but wouldn't you know my luck? He couldn't even get hard, I mean, he was aroused, he just doesn't get hard for some reason so we couldn't do anything. I am disappointed because I really wanted to get laid tonight! Oh well, at least I'm off to hang out with Bri!

I fucking hate my best friend Jamie when he's drunk. He either says a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean or yells at me like a prick. I think I'm done with talking to him too because honestly I don't need to get yelled at anymore like Steve. My lip is finally healing slowly but I'm still in pain. If anyone ever treats me like crap again I will feel free to solve everything with violence! I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at twelve tonight like I'm " supposed " which is mad gay! Oh well, though if I want a place to stay I need to play by the rules by now. It's not that I think I couldn't still get away with doing drugs, but it's much nicer to be able to talk to and hug my father again. I wouldn't give that up for anything and I know it hurts my family when I do drugs. In other news, earlier Brianna finally started talking to me again, so we went for a ride. When we stopped at the store, we ran into John Egan. So we went and visited with Steve's sister for a bit who was crying because she had to give back her friends dog. We also so Jess, which was alright. Then we were just driving around so we decided to stop at Thiagp's. We said hello to him and Sumesh and just hung around dancing, talking and listening to music on the TV. We also made plans to go back over there tomorrow night, although I forget why. I also might be chilling with my girl Natasha tomorrow and she might sleep at my house. That will be a much needed change around here. So all in all, the week is looking up, although I still have to go to that stupid day program tomorrow. But it's the only things I have to do and if I really don't like it that much I think my dad would let me drop out because he asked me if I wanted to stay earlier. I'm glad he is at least giving me some choice and freedom in matters concerning me. Dinner with my uncle went exceptionally well.

Well, the day program went considerably better today than it did yesterday and I got prescribed some meds for my restlessness so maybe i can sleep a bit easier now and i'll be able to pay better attention in my groups. I'm slowly getting sick of going however but at least i'm doing something productive with my time. I haven't talked to Steve since Sunday because I finally told him he was ugly. He got REALLY pissed and punched me in the face for it. It split my lip and I was spitting blood. I got a temporary restraining order on him but he hasn't contacted me anyway. It's really hard for me because I do miss him and I get lonely without him, but I don't need that aggravation. I made a new cool friend today named Jenna and she panhandles to get food. I really like her and she's very spunky. We smoked cigarettes together all day and even escaped the program for a little while together. I let her drive my car around the block for a while. I also participated a lot in groups and gave my advice to two other people who told me that they understood a little better now. I've also been working on enlarging my group of friends on Facebook and I'm up to about five hundred. In other news, I'm going to be bored even worse pretty soon because do to my expenses I won't be able to pay my car insurance this year which fucking BLOWS!! But this weekend I am having dinner with my aunt Jill and uncle Michael. She's making steak and salad, which will be nice for me. Tonight I am going to Papa Gino's with my uncle.

Clear headed
Finally all the drugs are out of my system. I still have on friend that's a guy who wants to trip with me, so I told him we could do that next week. His name is Adam and he was the first black guy I've ever fucked. He had one big, nice member and he still wants to fuck me but I'm totally not into that. I am on the phone with the love of my life Jamie. He's the best brother and son in the world.

children
Today I spent some time with an awesome eight year old. She drew me a garden in my journal.

drugs
Whatever the consequences, whatever ill befalls me, I love drugs. Smoking weed is good to chill out, cough pills are essentially good for nothing but are amazing for making you feel wild and out there. They make you believe that there are new universes to be explored. They remind me of two summers ago, especially with the nice weather, when Goose was still alive but more importantly when Bri was still around. She wasn't always fun to hang out with, but she was very generous with her car and shared her cigarettes with me as we drove around tripping and listening to her awesome taste in music. These days, with Corey and Goose gone, there is Steven, a very great friend and lover that I spend most of my time with. He works two days a week at a donut shop and loves his job. There is also Jamie, the first love of my life, in Worcester who I fool around with when he's drunk. He now gets money from doing grand jury duty and he buys me little things when he can. Recently, I got back in touch with an old friend David who said he would speak to me, but I unfortunately haven't heard from him much.

drugs
Whatever the consequences, whatever ill befalls me, I love drugs. Smoking weed is good to chill out, cough pills are essentially good for nothing but are amazing for making you feel wild and out there. They make you believe that there are new universes to be explored. They remind me of two summers ago, especially with the nice weather, when Goose was still alive but more importantly when Bri was still around. She wasn't always fun to hang out with, but she was very generous with her car and shared her cigarettes with me as we drove around tripping and listening to her awesome taste in music. These days, with Corey and Goose gone, there is Steven, a very great friend and lover that I spend most of my time with. He works two days a week at a donut shop and loves his job. There is also Jamie, the first love of my life, in Worcester who I fool around with when he's drunk. He now gets money from doing grand jury duty and he buys me little things when he can. Recently, I got back in touch with an old friend David who said he would speak to me, but I unfortunately haven't heard from him much.

DRUGS
I am SO fucking pissed off right now. Last night I took a bunch of Percocet and my mom said that at least it wasn't Robotussin. Then today I mention that I want some weed and she tells me that I shouldn't be smoking it because it's " keeping me hooked on something. " I should have remembered to never talk to my parents about drugs. But I need to, you know? There's no one else around and I'm supposed to be able to talk to them about anything. What I want to know is when the hell anyone ever heard me say that I WANT to quit drugs. WHEN!?! I've never fucking said that it's just always been other people telling me that I " HAVE " to. Yes, I know I'm a fucking drug addict but I LIKE IT. I have fun that way and it makes me feel better. Not to mention, whether or not I'm taking the drugs I want to, I'm hooked on something anyway because I still have to take my prescribed drugs. Why is it okay just because these drugs were recommended by some other asshole? I know they're helping me and I don't really feel the desire to stop taking them, but it's NOT FAIR. If I'm being told that I have to take these drugs why the fuck can't I take the drugs I actually WANT to!?! I told my parents I wasn't going to quit weed and the only real reason I'm not doing Robotussin is because I need a place to stay and I'm being respectful. But to me, that's not a sufficient reason to not take drugs. It should be me choosing to stop because I don't like the way they're affecting me. You know what, though? Each time I've slipped into psychosis with the aid of Robotussin, I'VE ENJOYED IT. So, tell me, why the fuck should I quit drugs if I don't fucking want to? Because it will lead me to a more happy and fulfilling life? No matter what kind of life I lead or how it appears to anyone else, I'm still going to fucking die so why can't I live the lifestyle I choose? Sometimes I feel like I would rather keep doing drugs even if it kills me! What the hell do I care? It's what I like to do and I shouldn't have to stop doing it just so other people can feel better about me. FUCK!!!

REHAB
I just got out of rehab and I'm willing to rejoin the world. I am nervous, though, because I don't want to screw anything up and I know what could happen. For now, I'm going to NA and rolling with the punches. Please leave messages of support for drug addicts!

At a Loss
I really miss the days of high school, for many different reasons, the most prominent one right now being that back then I had so much to say. If I wasn't coming on here every day to expound on my thoughts and feelings, I certainly spent many an hour writing in my physical journal. I felt like what I wrote mattered and I actually felt smart. These days, I have lost confidence in my writing and I've lost the context in which to write. I screwed up college twice, so that's out of the picture ( at least for right now ) and what is there to write in my journal when I do the same thing every God damned day? The last time I was really on a writing streak was when I was doing drugs and hanging out with Gustavo and Brianna all the time. This somewhat leads me to the conclusion that I should take up tripping as a regular activity again. But even using drugs isn't the same anymore. That's another thing about high school and that time period of my life; taking drugs was still new to me. Each time I tripped it was a profound experience even though I wasn't doing it too much then. Smoking pot was still an activity that made me and my friends giddy, feeling the excitement of doing something that our parents didn't know about the was illegal. We used to seek out parking lots without cameras where no one was likely to see us when we wanted to smoke. Now we smoke bowls while we're in the middle of rush hour traffic, on the highway, pretty much everywhere. It's more convenient this way, but it's lost some of it's charm. Throw into that mix the fact that for a couple of years I've been smoking pot almost every day and the nostalgia is gone. I will admit, however, that when I began smoking pot, I did like it, but it was still a bit disappointing to me. Maybe that's because I had imagined what the experience would be like for about three years before I actually tried it and after all that it just didn't meet my expectations. Then I tried cough medicine and I liked that better. It gave me some clarity the first time I tried it, it felt like I could breathe a lot easier. I felt more alive. Even then I got more into that than marijuana. I didn't really have hallucinations the way I had heard other people talking about it, but I did have some strange visions now and again. Mostly I just enjoyed the feeling of floating, suspended in some kind of gelatin substance that would keep me safe, keep me in my own head. I could just lay there and relax, enjoy the new feeling it gave me to focus on and mold to better the experience. I stopped using it for a year or so following the movie theater incident. I had steadily been increasing my dosage of DXM, anxious to experience all of the plateaus and to become as experienced with it as my friend was, the friend that introduced me to it. One night, thinking I could handle it, I took over a hundred miligrams than the last time I had used. This friend just happened to call and invite me to the movies and I explained to her that I had taken 360mg of DXM and couldn't drive, but her friend had a car and could pick me up, so I said sure. I'd never gone anywhere trippin' before and it sounded like fun. On the ride over, the cough medicine began setting in hardcore and my face started to go numb. I must have bought my ticket normally, but I have no memory of arriving at the movie theater. All I remember is sitting in the theater, ignoring the previews and alternately looking around with my distorted vision and keeping my head against the back of my chair with my eyes closed. I started to get the feeling I wasn't going to get through much of this movie. I watched the lights on the wall opposite us dim, so I knew they turned them down, but due to the drugs, the light closest to my chair still looked as brightly as it did before the movie started, if not brighter now that I could tell the rest of the theater was darker. I'm not sure how long I lasted through the movie, but somewhere near the beginning I told my friend that I wasn't feeling well and she called my mom to come and get me. As she was walking me to the bathroom, I threw up in the hallway. I felt much better after that, still fucked up but now I was more alert and I had a better understanding of what was going on. I knew I would be fine now, but when I told my mom what happened, she wasn't fully convinced, asking me several times if I needed to go to the hospital. I told her I just needed to sleep it off and I was right. Fast forward to a year and a half later and I'm dating a guy who's never smoked a cigarette, never had sex before me, and, more importantly, had never even tried marijuana. I will admit right up front that I introduced him to drugs and encouraged him to take them with me, but his brother had introduced him to alcohol long before I got there. One day, though, we were hanging out with the same friend who introduced me to cough pills and she had some pot and agreed to smoke my boyfriend up. After I felt he'd had a long enough trial-period with marijuana, I told him about cough pills and convinced him to try them with me.

Gone Missing...
Everything I've wanted to say used to be so important to me. I used to write all the time, it was my way of keeping things in perspective. I never say anything that means anything to me. In fact, I feel like I hardly talk anymore. I hardly write anymore. Some of it is that nothing noteworthy happens. This is one of the reasons I like drugs. It gives me experiences to document. Another part of it is that I don't feel passionately about anything anymore. I've come to find that it doesn't even matter how we feel. Everything is going to happen no matter how we feel about it, so why bother getting worked up? We're all going to die in the end, so why does it matter when it happens, how it happens, who it hurts? People die all the time, there's nothing you can do about it, so you " get over it. " I'm just pissed because I was so depressed about Corey dying and people are like, move on. A while ago I told Steve that I was still really upset about it and he said, " Shit happens. " Thanks, asshole. I realize that, but still. So I " got over it. " I don't talk about my feelings because I feel like they're not justifiable and again, that they don't matter, anyway. I just feel like no one gives a shit, and it's getting to the point where I don't give a shit, either. Lisa has her own stuff going on, Natasha I can't get in touch with most of the time, Brianna doesn't listen to me and doesn't care about what I have to say, Steve tries to listen but doesn't know how, and I can't get an intelligent response from the last two, anyway. To be fair, I don't really give a shit about what most other people say, either, and right now, I don't even want to talk to people.I just want to be left alone for a while. And while Brianna doesn't even listen to me, she still wants to hang out, Steve wants to hang out with me and be on the phone with me all the time, and I'm getting to the point where I want to be like, " Fuck you! Leave me alone for a fucking day! " Whatever.

Things are getting interesting again!
Well, a lot of shit's happened. Last month, this guy that I spent almost every day for a year with killed himself. That kinda sucked. I started using drugs again a while ago, and I don't mind. I refuse to feel guilty about that shit anymore. I can understand everyone's concern, of course, after the substance- induced psychosis I threw myself into (which was the most fun I've ever had, honestly, although I'm not sure I'd want to live out my life like that- talk about vulnerable!), but this time around, I'm a bit smarter and I won't say to myself, " Hey, continuously taking Robotussin and not sleeping for five days straight seems like a good idea! " Even though in some ways, it was a good idea. Anyway, I just dumped with my boyfriend which I was sad about earlier, but then I talked to a couple friends and it made me feel a lot better and reminded me that I did make the right decision. Since we've been apart (only about five days ago), I've already screwed two people, and DAMN was it good! I've been working and I've actually kept this job for a couple months now, which is amazing for me. I'm taking a couple college courses that start next month. One of my best friends wants to have a three-way with me and her boyfriend, and I am TOTALLY down. I also work with this lesbian who I'm pretty attracted to, so that's exciting. I don't know that I would actually say anything to her, but we'll see what happens. Oh, and not that this matters, but I would still totally screw my high school teachers. One day, damn it, one day!

Drugs
I didn't have a problem with drugs for a while. When I was 18, I started going out with my boyfriend Smokey. I had known him when I was in tenth grade. He was in eighth grade then and followed me around like a lost puppy. He used to walk me to class and once he cut his thumb open making a ring for me. He had to get stitches. I saw him at a Burger King after a day of shopping with Dawn, but I didn't recognize him at first. After he left, Dawn turned to me and said, " You know who that was, don't you? " " No, " I said. " Who? " " That was Smokey! " She said. I wrote him a letter and we met at a donought shop a little while later. That night, I invited him to my New Year's Eve party. He came over, along with Andie and Tiffany and we all got drunk. We snuggled a lot, and at one point Tiffany started flirting with him, but I grabbed him and said, " No! This is MY Smokey! " He was still a virgin, so he didn't want to have sex, but we made out and dry-fucked something fierce in my bed. We decided to date, once we were both sober enough to make the decision. More on this later...

Drugs
I first got into drugs when I was 17. When I was 13, my friend Marilyn smoked weed and cigarettes, and I wanted to try it. I didn't get to smoke weed, but she gave me my first cigarette and the first time I tried hard liquor (vodka) was at her house. When I took the first sip, something came over me. I didn't know where I was and I felt like I was going to throw up. She gave me some milk, telling me that milk got rid of the taste of almost anything. In my thirteen year old journal entries, I knew where drugs would take me. " If I start doing drugs, " I wrote. " I'll probably just end up getting into a really dark place that I can't get out of. " I don't know why I couldn't keep that knowledge as I grew older. When I was 17, I was at the mall with my friend Jeremy and we met up with a couple of his friends, Rusty and Cynthia. I knew both of them a little bit already through Andie. While Cynthia was buying cigarettes for me and some other kid, I sat talking with Rusty. I mentioned that I had never smoked weed before. " We have some in the car, " Rusty said. So the four of us all smoked a joint. I felt really nice and relaxed. Shortly thereafter, Andie told me that you could get high off of cough medicine. She came over one night when I was hanging out with my friend Tiffany, and Tiffany and I both took 150mg of DXM. I felt really spacey. I remember talking to one of my friends on the phone while I was smoking a cigarette, and I felt amazing, like I could do anything. It made Tiffany really quiet and she sat in front of the computer making trippy pictures. A little while later, Tiffany and I were tripping together again. I took a shower while she sat on the toilet seat and talked to me. We felt like we were at the beach. I went and layed down while she took a shower. In my head, I saw a hedge maze made up of pink hedges. I was trying to find a boy in the middle of it. When I tried to set fire to a bush to make the search easier, the bush melted and I had to scoop it up with a shovel. I staggered to the bathroom and told Tiffany, " You can't burn the pink hedges; you have to melt them. " " Oh, okay, " she said, as if she understood. Andie had told me that you had to gradually move up when you wanted to take a bigger amount of miligrams. One night, I jumped from 270mg to 360mg. Andie called and invited me to the movies. " I can't drive, Andie, " I told her. " I took a bunch of Robotussin. " " That's okay, " she said. " We'll come pick you up. " We went and sat down in the theater. When the lights dimmed, I turned to Andie and said, " Did they even dim the lights on this side of the theater? " She said, " Yes, they did....sshhhh. " I told her I wasn't feeling well and she offered to call my mom for me. She called and on our way out of the theater I threw up a few times in front of the entire audience. My mom came and brought me home. She was extremely worried. " Do you need to go to the hospital? " She kept asking me. " No, Mom, " I said. " I just need to sleep. " After that, I mostly just smoked weed and drank once in a while. More on this later...