Drugs
I was sober for about three months before I had my first relapse. I was with Andie and Jesse. Andie had been sober for almost as long as I had, but she had already relapsed a couple of weeks earlier, first by smoking weed, then by drinking, and finally by taking our drug of choice; cough medicine. I knew I shouldn't do anything and that I'd probably regret it, but it had been so long and it sounded like fun. My friends were no help. " Come on, " Jesse said. " Get me some and we'll all do it! " Searching for an excuse to submit, I said to Andie, " As long as I'm not doing it all the time, I should be fine, right? " " If that's the way you feel, " she told me. So she and I went out to Worcester and I stole two bottles of cough liqui-gels for Jesse and I. Andie already had hers. We got there and I called my boyfriend, Steven. I had talked to him while we were on the road, telling him that I was feeling tempted but that I thought everything was going to be fine. He warned me not to go, but my mind was made up. So when I called him, I told him that all his talk of how bad it would be if I relapsed had gotten through to me and that I wasn't going to do anything. When we got off the phone, I took 300mg of dextromethorphan hydrobromide (DXM) and we all smoked a bowl. I got pretty fucked up. I was scared and I just kept thinking about how pathetic the whole situation was. All of us were in our twenties and we were sitting around getting fucked up off of cough medicine. We should have been doing more constructive things with our time. I was unemployed, Jesse had a shitty job but didn't have a high school diploma, and Andie had been kicked out of college for getting really drunk and trying to kill herself. She only had to finish three more classes, but the school said she couldn't go back until a therapist gave the okay. Andie had stopped seeing her therapist. More on this later...

Confusiosity
I am in a state of deep confusiosity. I realized that although I love my boyfriend to death, he is not The One. I do love him, but not in the same way that I loved Corey. My boyfriend is my best friend, and that's how I love him. I'm not The One for him, either. A few days ago he told me that if I didn't get a job, he could easily find a girlfriend that was willing to pull her own weight. While it's completely understandable that we wants me to get a job, the fact that he said that tells me that we aren't made for each other. I think one of Steve's biggest weaknesses is that he doesn't want to ever be alone. We could get married, and it would be convenient for the both of us. In theory, he would never have to be alone again and, in theory, I would have someone to take care of me. It's hard because I do love him, and we have broken up and gotten back together quite a few times. But we'll see what happens. I'm not sure how or when I'm going to tell him all this. There is another guy I know from high school that I saw in " rehab " and I'm trying to get in tough with him. Maybe he and I are meant for each other. I looked into his eyes once and I was absolutely taken aback. It was an incredible feeling. And I told him that I loved him and he told me he loved me, too. And that was with us barely having spoken to each other. I wrote him a letter which I'm mailing later today, so hopefully it reaches him and he calls me. If not, that's okay, but I hope SO much that everything works out. In other news, I have slept all night. I tried to a couple of times, but it just wasn't happening. So here I am updating my on line journal at 6:20 in the morning. I don't really have anything important to do today. My mom and I are going to Joanne's Fabrics and going out to lunch, but other than that, I have nothing to do. I really don't know what to do about this boyfriend situation. Oh well. As long as I have faith (in myself and the secret workings of fate, which does, btw, exist) it'll all work itself out.

The Sober Life
I went into substance-induced psychosis about a month ago from staying up for four-five days straight continuously tripping on Robotussin. I ended up in the mental ward of Marlborough Hospital for a week. When I got out, I went to their out-patient program for ten days. I've been sober for a little over a month now. Well, sober from cough pills and weed, which were my two biggest problems. Although I'm proud of my accomplishments as far as drugs are concerned, and although I know that life has a better quality when you're sober, I also know that THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!! When I get a job, things won't be as bad because I won't just be sitting around all the time, but GOD DAMN IT do I want to trip! Or at least smoke pot!! But the job I'm interviewing at does drugs tests, so I definitely can't smoke, even if I could come up with the money for it. If I do drugs and my parents find out, I get kicked out, so that's a little bit of motivation for me to stay sober. On the other hand, I'm positive that I could do cough medicine again and get away with it. So this really sucks. I'm making decisions for myself now, though. I want to trip SO bad, but I'm taking things one day at a time, so maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Either way, being sober is amazing, and it sucks. At least I can still drink and smoke cigarettes, but I don't have money for either one of those things right now. So, I'll just have to stick it out being sober until I get my life in order, and then I can maybe smoke weed again. I don't think I should ever do cough pills again, but that doesn't mean that I won't. It is possible for me to get a little buzz going if I take more than my recommended dosage of medication, so I'll just have to take what I can get for now.

Sobriety
FUCK MY LIFE!!! I WANT TO TRIP SO BAD RIGHT NOW! That's what got me into trouble in the first place, not to mention the not sleeping for four or five days in a row, but at this particular moment, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! My dad says if I fuck up he's kicking me out, so I really shouldn't, but it's such a bitch to actually have to tell myself no. Right now my motivation is that if I just keep doing things that aren't drugs, like typing up the story of my life thus far, I'll be able to sit back, relax, and take acid at some later point. But FUCK!!! Staying sober is so much harder than I thought! I always said to myself, Well, I'm not physically addicted; it's just weed and cough pills, so I can stop at any time. Well, I was right, but staying quit is the hard part. What I was going through I would definitely categorize as denial. And I miss Corey so fucking much it isn't even fathomable right now.

Oh boy...
I swear to God, if this new guy is gay, especially for the Jew, I will kill myself. Not really, but that would just be all kinds of sad and upsetfulness. He probably is gay, though, knowing my luck. Fuck.

Life and boys
Well, what can I say? There's the token black guy who REALLY wants me to have a three-way with him and Meeple, which is NOT happening as he got pretty attached when I had sex with him before, and I've met someone knew who I am quite interested in, so I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize that. He may not be the best choice of love interests for a couple stupid reasons that are easy for me to ignore, but you only live once, everything happens for a reason, from what I hear he likes me, too, so FUCK IT!!! I'm going for it! Nothing's made me smile this much in SO fucking long! Blackie- " Just be serious with him...grab him by the collar. " Me- " Literally!?! " Blackie- " Yeah! " Me- " So I should just like, pin him to the wall and make out with him!?! " Blackie- " Yeah! " Well, I don't think I'll be using THAT approach, but it's all good. And woohoo for no sleep, caffeine, and whatever other substances I can pump into my system! Oh, and then there's Joo who says, " You can marry me without the hassle of papers. " Yeah, buddy, that'll definitely happen. Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with Newbie tonight, so we'll see what happens. I want it SO much that I literally couldn't believe it when Blackie told me that Newbie said he might have a thing for me, too. But, I'll take things slow, and whatever happens happens. If this doesn't work, though, well....I'll just be very sad. Anyway, that's all for now.

Fuck my life
I should just keep drinking and keep smoking until I die, which, considering my life, will hopefully be soon. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore, and I don't really give a fuck. There are two people I love. One is dead. The pother is just....him. What can I say? No one gives a shit about anything I'm typing anyway, so what's the fucking point of writing it? Fuck you all...

Life
I feel horrible for all of my little group right now, except for one, for he will always be okay. But she might not. I might not. Cough medicine, alcohol, pot, pills, and everything else. Whatever. Life is just depressing as fuck. I'll explain more later, I guess. If anyone cares.

Lots of love, just not the right kind...
I thought I was so close, but apparently I was wrong. I just want to be close to someone. I haven't in a long time. Corey's gone, and obviously, I'm never going to find another love like that, and I'm pretty sure I'll never find the kind of love I need, so what can I do? People tell me to just wait, but when you spend all your time with the person you love who isn't reciprocating, how could you get over it? And how could you not get excited at every little show of affection. When you're yearning to be in his arms, but he just won't say yes. And you can't even tell if he's being honest when he says he doesn't love you. I can't fucking do this anymore.

Oh God...
I know I haven't been dealing with things the right way lately, but I don't give a fuck. My mind might just have snapped. My hands hurt every time I move them. I slit them up so I would remember not touch him. Even though all I've ever wanted to fucking do is hold him! I mean, obviously I want to make love with him, but he just doesn't understand that I all I really need is to hold him. To hold him and snuggle with him for just one fucking night. Maybe that could lead to the love making, maybe not, I don't give a fuck. It's all I need, and it's not that much to ask for. I don't want to be touched at all. Maybe not even by him. No matter what, you will always be alone. You can share your time with someone, but you know deep down inside that you'll always be all alone. Isn't that the saddest fucking thing? But it's also the truest. I'm done. And Corey, this is for you:

" I've got a big, fat fuckin' bone to pick
With you my darling.
In case you haven't heard I'm sick;
I'm tired of tryin'.
I wish I could take my radio to bathe with me,
Plugged in and ready to fall... "

I love you guys. With all of my heart.

Boys and love
Well, things didn't work out with the new guy I started liking, but I didn't really expect them to. The only thing that bothers me is we were sitting there talking and I was rubbing his arm. Not in an asshole way, and almost discretely, he pushed my hand away. WHO DOES THAT!?! Anyway, the other guy I've liked for a while is finally starting to like me back. I was pushing really hard for things at the beginning, which was probably part of the problem; I don't like when people try and pressure me into things either. Then I got really bitchy and resentful. Then he did something that REALLY pissed me off and hurt me, so I was kinda like, Fuck that shit. Since I've chilled out and stopped being such a bitch, he's starting to like me, which is awesome. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me with all of his, but God only knows if either of us feel it in a romantic sense. I do, but then last night my friend was like, " You want to fuck him, you're not in love with him. You love him, but you've been in love with quite a lot of people. " So now I don't know. Whenever she tells me something, I can't help but believe it, because she knows me better than I know myself a lot of times. But who the hell knows? We'll see what happens. Until then, I love him whole-heartedly, anyway.

SEX
I need cock. Plain and simple. And a decent cock, not someone who's a sleazebag. But this finding one is easier said than done these days, and that really sucks. Cock: When masturbation and fucking your girlfriends just won't cut it! Jesus Christ. Oh, and I crashed my car today! That was fun! Hopefully my insurance will cover anything, but if not, oh well. I just won't have a car for a while again.

Oh Boy
Car and Insurance: $10,000, Gas: $20, Billy Idol CD: $17.99, Speeding around, stoned, and blasting the acoustic version of " Rebel Yell ": Priceless.

It occurred to me as I was driving around that this is how life should have felt all through high school. Except maybe without the overwhelming sense of doom. I was thinking about my old teachers and I thought, " Well, I'm sorry that they had the semi-misfortune of meeting me, but at least I kept things interesting. " If I ever went in to visit (I really don't know if I ever would), that would be the most amazing display of someone almost shitting their pants just because they see you and can probably tell that you've gotten to a point in your life where you have almost no reservations. That'll be a fun day. But if I ever visit, I think it will be on my last day in Marlborough before I move VERY far away. Or maybe not. What's the worst that could happen? Well...

Epic fucking fail
I can't believe that happened, or I guess saying I can't believe that DIDN'T happen would be more accurate. I know I can do better and it's not worth getting upset over, but are you fucking kidding me!?! I do not feel very good right now. I know I can be pretty intense and fast paced, but really? REALLY!?! From both guys: MMH and GR. I am just so depressed I could cry right now. If I know I can do better, then why does rejection hurt so bad? I didn't think it would. I didn't think I actually cared, but surprise. I'm so fucking lonely. You don't really understand why you do the things you do and how alone you really are until something like this happens. Until you get surprised and you just can't believe what you're seeing and you don't want to believe it, but what choice have you got? I know this is ridiculous, and I know Lisa is right about everything, but Jesus Christ...what a let down. You know, I have a feeling that all of this has to do with missing Corey and shit, and being so fucking alone sometimes, but still......God fucking damn it. This kind of shit always upsets me a lot, because if I can't hope for someone loving me/ being attracted to me, what the fuck left do I have to hope for? I know that's a bit dramatic or however the fuck you'd like to judge it, but seriously, you know? I don't care who it is, I just need some GUY to love me. I wish I didn't. It makes me sick with myself, and NO fucking guy is worth what I go through for them, I'd just always like to believe that maybe this is the one. Maybe this is the love I've been waiting for. Because then I wouldn't have to look anymore, and it would be easier. I just don't fucking know anymore. Clearly, I am just a desperate, fucking idiot who looks forward to too much and the wrong things. This particular " situation " isn't the only thing making me think this, but am I always going to be alone? Am I always going to fall for people who will never love me back? Why do I bother? Right now, I kind of feel like I should get used to the idea that I'm going to be alone for a while, and that's probably for the best. But it still fucking hurts just as much. Fuck life. Whatever. What is the point, really? Every time something like this happens, I really get pushed back into wondering why I'm still hanging on and why I don't just let go of everything that hurts me. And why can't I just fucking realize that only person you can rely on is yourself, and, in my case, my GIRL friends. I'm so fucking sad.

Well...
One thing is for sure. I am learning that the only person that will never fuck you over is yourself. I am fucking done dealing with bullshit. He's not fucking staying with me for a while, and I am NOT fucking marrying him. Fuck that. Fuck it. Fuck this shit; I'm done. I REALLY, REALLY want to cut myself right now. I can't even paint my fucking nails right now because I am shaking so bad. He can go fuck himself.