Life has confused me...
Things that don't make sense:
1) Why the hell they put up with me all those years. A- I was a bitch. B- They could have done sooo much better.

2) People don't trash me outright when I bitched at them, but when I start realizing the damage I've caused it's trash Dee time.

3) Why I care so much.

I'm not saying I don't deserve what I got, I deserve a hell of a lot worse. That doesn't mean I don't miss my old friends, doesn't mean that just because I'm suddenly forbidden to say anything. Whatever, I don't care. You hate me, go ahead hate me. Replace hate with whatever you feel towards me, it doesn't matter. I can't change the past, apparently no one besides me wants to change the present and without changing the present I can not change my future. So why try? I'm really not seeing why it's such a bad thing that I feel guilty, that I miss Molly and Louise though

My bad... sorry Mel
I hope I didn't get you in any trouble with M and L, I actually didn't mean to copy and paste that part. I'm really sorry if it gets you into any trouble, not sorry I wrote it though. Just sorry if it's gets you into trouble with them. Sorry, really and truly. ~*~Dee~*~

My new journal
I thought I already posted this, but I guess not... I've moved my journalness to Xanga. url is http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DeathMessanger so have fun. I think it's cute and the backround music is the piano version of "1000 words" from FFX-2. Thanks Mel ,you've been great to me. Thanks for saving my journal, I just wish I hadn't fixed up my xanga. Much love

How 'bout we not...
So yeah, we just had our singy thingy... yawn... we sharped 1st assembly... hehehehehe... Michelle said I had a perfect face for Daniel.

I have an appointment with my shrink lady... heheh I skipped the DBT meetings for the first two sessions... she's going to kill me... hehehehehe.... yeah...

Dare's back in the hospital so I'm pretty stressed and depressed and yeah.... ... .. .

Dee.....

Sadies (of course, seeing as it was last night an' all)
So, I'm sure just about everyone else has posted what happened at Sadies from their point of view, but I haven't becuz I was tired :) So I went to dinner at Chili's with Yee (Jeremey, Yee's date, had swim practice) and Brandon. We chatted, pretty boring honestly. So we pick up Jeremy and go to the dance. Brandon and Jeremy refuse to dance. Did I mention Brandon actually flirted with other girls? Oh well, we said screw the men and acted liek we were stag. :) I got totally wild in my own opinion, ask Nat I'm very sure he'd agree :) As Britney would say "I was whippin' my hair and pullin' my wy waist." I had some fun. Mainly I just danced with my gal pals, at one point we all got a little out of control... hahaha... that was funny and good fun. Danced with Aaron (will get back to that later) and slow danced for like a minute with another girl, who's date also abandoned her. Oh, I also not really "freaked" with this one girl, SHE STARTED IT! This was when Nat came in with the comment that I was really wild. BTW I must learn more of this... Sebastian guy.... ;)

So back to Aaron, if you went on the Washington D.C. trip in 8th grade you may or may not recall the whole "War card game" I had with Aaron where I can now safely say, I was shamelessly flirting. He was a sweetie and I keep thinking about it lately. So that gives him point 1. Point 2 comes from when I walked in he told me I looked great (I may have made that up) and said I had to dance with him once that night. I found that flattering. Point 3 came from when I went outside to drag Brandon in, it was really cold and yeah. So Aaron took off his really warm, leather jacket and put it on me and said "If I had my letterman I'd give it to you. Make that point 3 & 4! Damn, does it get more cheesily romantic than that?! Point 5 came from out dance, we freaked but not really... or maybe... I dunno. Anyway, he said he came with Kat but Kat didn't like being close so I danced with him. Man were we close! I could have melted... My head... his shoulder... the urge to just make out with him 'cuz of the erotic hip swinging movements ;) and the fact I was so close to him.... *sigh* I melt... damn my teenage hormones... hehehehe

On a scale of 1-10, I would say I had 11 on the fun factor! The company was great and I let loose on the dance floor!

much love,
KirbyDee

~*~ Added~*~ ((sparks inner child test, so true... sooooo true...))

Little Filthy Old Pervert
(Perverse Spoiled Dysfunctional Adult)

Your inner child is the Little Filthy Old Pervert (PSDA). He's not so bad, though, as far as inner children are concerned. Just give him a park bench and a trenchcoat and he's ready to go.

What's more, you could practically hang meat on all of your hang-ups. Phobias, fetishes, anxieties, neurosese... there are so many things happening inside you at once that your inner child is lost in the woods and hunted by wierd psycological animals. He stays hidden so much it's like he's not even there.

It's not so much that he's insane, it's just that you're crazy.

It's up to you to lure him out with bits of cheese and sugar and get him some rehabilitation. Or stay hunted.

Hey
Sorry for the long time no post! just my internet is down but now it's back up... oddly still on Dare's comp... Anyway, yeah.

What's new? Well, I'm participating in the poetry slam! I'm going to try and preform it for Mr. Smith see if he can give me any commmentary on how to fiz it up. It's called Mime as you already know, I'm gonna try to get dressed up for the part but no white face make-up, I just don't want to deal with it.

I can't believe Sadies is finally here! It seems an eternity ago that I asked Brandon to go with me... I feel bad 'cuz on my way out of the assembly I saw him and Aaron so I went over. The convo went something like this:
Me: hey guys!
Aaron: So Deanna, I hear you are going to sadies with Brandin.
Me: Yeah....
Aaron: So are you two friends or is this a date.
*Brandon and I exchange uneasy glances*
Me: um... welll *decides to avoid the question.* Brandon's my escort.
Aaron: That's all?
*Brandon makes a sad face, not sure if he was kidding or serious and suddenly didn't want to walk near me...* THEN TORY GLOMPED MY MAN!!!

You know what is sad? Today, Vova's friend was like " I know you love Vova." (which I don't, he just gives kick ass hugs and I can't control my urge to flirt with guys.) So my response was going to be "no, I like _____ (insert name here." Then I realized I couldn't pick just one single name...

After school today I was supposed to work with Mr. Shaull but he ended up not being able to get back from his doctor's appointment on time so it will just have to wait until tom. So, I got to hang with Elspeth and Jeff for a bit. Jeff kept playing Kyrie on the piano and then he started singing. he is really loud. kinda spooooky. What I thought was hilarious was the door was locked and I waved to Elspeth and Jeff. They wave back rof course. I point to the door and they smile, nod and wave some more. Then Corbin walks in the other door, looks at them and then to me. Crosses the room and opens the door for me. ha, yes that made my day. I love Corbin but not in that way.

Alright, much love from me to you!
KirbyDee

My life is as good as over...
My score for the DWs... not good.... The one subject I suypposedly kick ass in, Bill saying "She wrote essays in middle school at a college level.", my hopes of going to Davis and majoring in Literature... gone... I guess I might as well give up on life... my dreams won't come true....

I've missed the poetry club meeting twice now cuz I wasn't here but Mr. Rosenburg doesn't know that... I hope they don't take me off the slam list....

Sigh.... if this wasn't so an emotional time for my mom and if I didn't fear death... I would kill myself in all seriousness...

KirbyDee

Hey
First off, let me brag. I got an A on my RWW (got a B for quantity of reading though... hehehe my bad). My comments (on the paper) were "Absolutely brillant!" and "Come to me for comments." So I went in at brunch, he asked me if I wrote the songs and I was like most, some I tweaked or just used. Then he said it was very "Hollywood." THe script had an actual story with a borderline, but not quite, cheesy plot. Then he asked what I was planning to do with it and I shrugged, he told me I spent too much time to not do anything I should enter it in a contest of some sort. Who knows, I need to talk to Mr. Rosenburg and I'm sure he knows of some good contest I could enter it in. Plus he said that he didn't want to say this is front of like two other people but my project was the best of all his classes! I'm happy.

My Leah Garcia carrer path has come to a screeching halt... I'm just so lost, I hate this town. We are so, residential and boring... Oh well...

Dare's still in the hospital, he's alright i think he went in for a transfusion and I think he has another one Monday, not sure what that's about.

It was Bill's b-day so that's why I left in case y'all were wondering. I had lunch at his office, had a short gal chat with his secretaries. The told me the funniest things about when they were in high school and went to Sadies. Like how the girl has to pay for EVERYTHING and arrange EVERYTHING but we get the guys back at prom. Then, how they have this paper "wedding certificates from Sadies! Like, the dance actually had a thing where you paid to get "married." LOL! That cracked me up. Met Mia, Bill's grand-daughter. Barf, she's cute but she's gonna be a biacth cuz of who is bringing her up.

Celeste in the City is sooo adorable, I just finsihed watching it. It's sooo cute... too bad the guy was like.. a bastard... he was hot... no abs though... but hot none the less... ;)

*SIgh* What i would give to bring one, no make it two, men to my world. Damian, who (with the risk of sounding insane) is real only within my head. He came to me in a dream the day before I went to Camp Gold with Louise that one year... I haven't seen him for a year... Then, Lord Sesshomaru of InuYasha. Can you say hotness? For a drawing he's pretty cute, trust me many anime freaks at our school will agree. He's full demon, but I know he has a heart. After all, he took care of that little girl. Aiming towards RIn as the name, but then again I did just spend like 3 hours playing FFX-2 so... I could be thinking Rin cuz of Rin's Travel Agency (playing New Game Plus, where you've beat it but you missed missions and thus got the crap ending and not the good one where Tidus wakes up and Yunie finds him ((seen it in Japanese... can't translate... just seen it)) ).

Much love,
Deanna

Hi, still grounded one more week to the day
Surprisingly, I am in my "The glass if freaking half empty you *beep*!" mood but the song that I feel like is Kenny Chesney's "When the Sun Goes down." (for this to make sense I'll post the lyrics later or if you have a few minutes go to cmt.com and type in Kenny Chesney in the search and click When the Sun Goes Down (full length) ). Pretty much it's a song about vacationing and how everyday they just party and have no worries and what not. Yeah.

Lately I've been obsessed with getting a dog... Like, I know I have my kitty and I love her so much but she's asleep or outside for most of the day you know what I mean? I don't know, I just really need companionship...

Oh, figured it out why I have an upbeat song. It says "When the sun goes down, we'll be grooving. When the sun goes down everything is alright." Well, it feels like in my life the sun never sets.

On another note, my mental illness (as in I get stressed and then psycially take on all symptoms of the flu save for the temperature) is getting tons worse... not fun... everyone in my family's sick from back way when I was actually sick (temp and all).

Feeling all right about my Talon app. I've done the mock article and Mr. S said he'd look it over for me... Plus he did my recomendation and I'm sure it was positive... 'least I hope so... :) I still need to talk to him about what project we've done this year I should turn into them and also talk to the list of friends my bro gave me who are on the Talon right now. If I don't make it, i'll die.... I mean that pretty literally...

If anyone knows any tv broadcasting stations or radio stations nearby I can volunteer at please let me know! I want Leah Garcia's job, and I shall get it!

Much love,
Deanna

~*~Lyrics~*~
Sun tanned toes ticklin the sand
Cold drink chillin in my right hand
Watchin you sleep in the evening light
Restin up for a long, long night

Chorus:
Cause when the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down, we'll be feelin alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down

All day long just takin it easy
Layin in the hammock where it's nice and breezy
Sleepin off the night before
Cause when the sun goes down, we'll be back for more

Chorus:
When the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down, we'll be feelin alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down

This old guitar and my dark sunglasses
This sweet concoction is smooth as molasses
Nothing to do but breathe all day
Until the big moon rises and it's time to play

Repeat chorus

When the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down, we'll be feelin alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
She thinks Kracker's sexy when the sun goes down.

When the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down, we'll be feelin alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
Uncle Kenny's hotter when the sun goes down...