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[untitled]

:: 2007 16 September :: 7.42pm

So I know no one reads this anymore. But I feel like I should record that I am currently happy. Things have worked out. I have an awesome group of friends and I am doing cool things and I feel loved and I think my anxiety is pretty manageable. There's so much angst in this journal that I feel like I should end it in some sort of happy way.

So, anyway, I think I'm done with this journal now.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2007 10 May :: 11.01pm

Goals for next semester
-hang out more with the people I like (particularly Willa, Margaret, and Mike)
-tell the people I like more...I have an increasingly difficult sharing personal details about myself
-see a counselor at college for anxiety. There are currently three people telling me I should go into therapy, and it's definitely a personal choice, but if I can ever not freak out about the health center, I will. I'm not positive I need it, though. I'm so much better than I used to be. But I'm definitely startled way, way too easily, and I need to stop that.
-get more active on campus. I'm BGLAD vice president, so that should be easy.
-stress out less (see the bit about anxiety above)
-go on more walks
-keep my room cleaner
-keep in touch with people better
-go on a date? That would be nice.

There's more that should be on this list, but I'm too lazy to figure out exactly what that more should be.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 28 April :: 1.58am

Every once in a while, I get ambitious.

I want to be a great poet, or at least a good one. I want to be influential in politics. I want to research and write and do good work for something I believe in. I want to be happy. I want to work past how shy and awkward and anxious I sometimes am (and I'm totally working on it, going to Mexico's going to be a huge step). I want to be comfortable being beautiful, because I am, really, but I consciously hide it sometimes.

I totally have this naive dream of changing the world, and, for some reason, I'm currently feeling optimistic. I have a lot of good qualities going for me. What I have an issue with is actually showing people what I'm capable with. Clare had no clue until recently that I can actually talk in front of groups, and even my parents seemed a little taken aback that I applied to (and got into) Mexico.

And it bothers me, sometimes, that even my best friends seem to shortchange me sometimes. But I know that it's my own fault, because I'm constantly downplaying my own skills and letting other people take over even when I have something to say. So I'm making a sort of midyear resolution to stop that. Because I'm sorta sick of always being in the background and not being influential enough to help anyone.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 14 April :: 9.38pm

I am confused. I'm so confused, I'm not even sure what I'm confused about. Hopefully, everything will work out okay without anyone being hurt.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 3 March :: 3.04pm

I feel like I am currently acting as an emotional band aid for someone I barely know. I want to help, but at the same time, I only have so much emotional energy to share, and I don't think I'm being helpful. And at the same time I'm thinking, why me? What is it about me that this guy is asking me for help? I'm pretty sure it's not that he's interested in me (well, not beyond friendship), and last time I checked I wasn't some super empath who could instantly make people feel better (which I'm definitely not doing for him). I haven't been able to do anything besides give him easter candy and a stuffed elephant to hug, and I left early last night when he probably could have used my help (instead, I decided that Willa was more important). So, confusion. I am going to listen to the random punk music Jennie downloaded on my laptop and clean my room.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 16 February :: 2.07pm

I woke up this morning feeling beautifully happy and at peace with everything. Part of that is probably due to Gilly coming by about 3 minutes before I was planning on going to bed to ask me to go sledding, so I went sledding with her and her suitemate and this guy they're friends with for awhile, and it was awesome. I got back to the room at about 2am.

And somehow, while I slept, my subconscious put everything into perspective for me. I might not have a ton of close friends at Goucher, and I might spend a bunch of time just kinda hanging out by myself, but I'm not friendless. In fact, I have a good number of awesome friends (Rita, Katie, Allison, Jennie...etc), they're just spread out. And for all that she bothers me sometimes, having Willa as a friend is pretty cool (particularly considering that she doesn't seem to make friends lightly), and Clare is awesomeness personified, and I've been spending a lot more time with Melissa lately, and I've also been hanging out with Julie and Gilly. So even though I wish I was hanging out with certain people more, and it hurts that they don't seem to want to, it's okay.

I think my mood swings are probably just hormonal (stupid period). And I do need to be careful and watch myself. But it was nice to wake up this morning in such a good mood.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 15 February :: 10.15pm

Things suck. I suck. I don't know, but I keep wanting to cry, and I get jealous when I see other people hanging out with each other or saying things like "we need to get together sometime soon; I miss you" because I'm not hanging out with other people and it's because they don't want to and I'm too timid to press the point especially when I think I'm going to be rejected.

And I talked to Allison last night for awhile, and she told me that while therapy may or may not be a good idea, going at Goucher isn't. They kicked someone out of Sondheim last year for mental issues and said she had to live off campus, and Allison thinks that for something to be effective there shouldn't be a constant warning of being kicked out of the dorms or Goucher altogether (which they have done). So that's out, I suppose, because part of what I want to talk about are self-destructive and suicidal thoughts (not that I act on them, but I don't want to worry about someone misunderstanding).

And I sorta want to talk to Clare, but while she's awesome she's not the kind of friend I can talk to about this sort of thing. She's noticed my mood, and given me hugs over the past week, but that's it.

I shouldn't be this unhappy. I really shouldn't, and I shouldn't be worrying anyone about it, particularly Clare because I can't even give her details. And all the people I talk to are far away, and I shouldn't be worrying them either (sorry Katie) because there's nothing wrong except that I feel like crap and suck at socializing and making/keeping friends.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 14 February :: 12.04am

I don't know what to think. Highschoolers are offlimits, I made that a rule. And long-distance relationships are to be avoided. Plus, I shouldn't be dating someone who isn't really out (as far as I know, at least). And there's so much I don't know about her.

But I really want to know how she feels about me, and I'm getting all these little hints that I could be misinterpreting. I'm analyzing and re-analyzing the stupidest things. It might be easier if I wasn't so far away, or maybe it would make things harder. Even if there was mutual feeling, it could never work. I should ignore this. I have learned my lesson. Highschoolers are bad to date. But I keep thinking about her, and I feel weird about it.

Am I always going to have inappropriate crushes? Thank goodness my crush on Janelle finally curled up and died, because this one is stupid enough.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 27 January :: 3.28pm

So, I packed just about all of my clothing. I'll get the other stuff (books laptop printer vacuum toiletries food etc) together later. I'm just waiting to go to the mall now.

I'm meeting Michelle and Rita at six (Arielle is sick). Rita and I both know I invited her mostly so I wouldn't have to be around Michelle by myself. I need to stay away from high schoolers. Tried it once, didn't exactly work out beautifully.

But part of me just really wants to know if she likes me back and all...and she is super mature...no no no. At least at Goucher the girl I have a crush on is only two months younger than me, even if I think she might dislike me as a human being.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 21 January :: 11.11pm

rambling that I will probably delete later
Sometimes I really regret not having a decent grouping of friends in high school. I did have a group of people I ate lunch with. I was the only one with a decent family life and didn't have a lot to say while everyone else swapped stories of parental abuse. One of the people I ate with outed me cruelly to the rest of the group; she and I were instantly Not Friends anymore. Another left suddenly (stupid parents and religion). Another faded out of my life because she didn't trust me. Another I wasn't really all that close to, another and I just stopped really being friends, and the last one I'm quickly losing touch with.

I accept that my social skills sucked in high school. People had already made their minds up about me, so I didn't even try, even for people who might have liked me given a chance. I wasn't very likable, I suppose, unless you got to know me, and I wasn't easy to know. I had a couple friends, but I didn't get very close to most of them. I still don't really get close to people, not really. One of my best friends cruelly outed me to a group of people my junior year. Another lied constantly to me without even realizing that I knew she lied.

It's easier to accept that you're unlikable than try to make friends, particularly when you're hurt. I have had a bad track record. It seems like people always leave me, or betray my trust, or just decide I'm not worth time. It's probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And I'm still stuck in it. If I'm smart, I'll go see someone at Goucher for social anxiety. I need to get close to people, and I suck at it. Allison told me that I'm standoffish. I know I am, I just don't know how to stop standing off to the side and actually get into friendships (I always just fall into them).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 14 January :: 9.55pm

Okay, I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm just exchanging facebook messages with someone about getting together sometime in the next two weeks. That shouldn't make me freak out, right?

But I'm breathing faster, and I'm afraid to check my email to see if she replied, and I'm really anxious. I shouldn't be this nervous. I shouldn't be freaked out that I said something wrong.

And I shouldn't freak out about the possibility of getting together with her without other people. I mean, it's not that big a deal. We're friends. She doesn't bite. I can't make that much of a fool of myself. And I want to be friends, and only friends, so that shouldn't be tripping me up.

Yet I'm freaking out and afraid to check to see if she replied. Gah.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 8 January :: 1.12pm

I keep...wanting things. Not quite sure what I want, though, which makes it hard to get it.

But I know I'm currently dissatisfied with things, and with myself, and with my current situation. I need a change.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2007 1 January :: 5.07pm
:: Mood: gaaaahhh

I need to stop falling for people
I also need to stop falling for high schoolers. And it was so much easier when I thought she was straight, but apparently she's not.

That doesn't mean I should pursue anything, though. Especially since I'm on a six week hiatus from dating (which is a laugh, considering I wasn't dating anyway). And I like friendship. Friendship is warm and fuzzy and mostly uncomplicated.

It's just weird. I could have sworn she told me she was straight, but now I'm completely reevaluating past situations and wondering what certain things mean. Not that I think she's interested. Not that I actually plan on acting on my interest. But still.

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