fadingintoblue

Let's discuss this clinically
1) The room is spinning. I can barely type.
2) I lost ten pounds in a fairly short amount of time (and I wasn't trying to, I just didn't really eat).
3) I've been cutting myself a lot lately. Including while people are in my house.
4) I've been composing suicide notes in my head.
5) I had to write an essay about Hamlet's suicide speech (to be or not to be) today. And then later we continued watching a movie in Health class that involved watching a guy almost kill himself and try to kill other people, as well as video of school violence and bullying. I was crying. Not just a little, but tears were streaming down my face. I wasn't the only one, but still. And then I went to choir and all I was thinking of was how that could have been me, and how I had been so much like that before and how I just wanted to kill myself. And then Brie asked me for a ride home and she must have realized that I didn't sound right when I was answering, so she asked me what was wrong, and I tried to tell her about the movie. I started sobbing. I don't sob. Not in front of people. I might have tears in my eyes, but I don't do things like that in front of people. She hugged me and gave me tissues and told me that no one was going to blow up the school (like in the movie), but I don't think she actually knew why I was crying.
6) I came home and cut more.
7) I can cut with a friend in the house, and not even give much of a hint. I feel like a liar.
8) I don't see much of a point anymore. And I'm not in a terrible numb depressed type mood. I'm actually kind of cold and rational right now. Which scares me.

So basically, I'm afraid. Am I depressed? Am I mentally ill? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I need help or want help or what. I looked at my legs today in a mirror. I didn't really realize it before, but I have two cuts on my legs that are almost completely scarred over, and they are dark and ugly looking. Normally I heal pretty well in two weeks, these are three weeks old, they aren't done healing, and they look terrible. What am I doing? And I can stop what I'm doing at any point and act completely normal. I have been, actually, because my house hasn't exactly been empty lately. I've done a lot of putting my jeans on quickly when I hear a car in the driveway or a parent down the hall, and then talking to my parents or sister or whomever like nothing is wrong. The only time I wasn't able to do that today was when I talked to Brie.

I don't know what I should do. I have a few options, I think. I could do nothing and just try to be numb. I could kill myself (not going to happen. I promised too many people I wouldn't). I could go to my mom and tell her I want to see a therapist. I could go to my mom and tell her I cut and I need to go to a mental hospital (Also not going to happen, I don't instend to go to my mom about anything, it couldn't end well). I could call a friend (only I don't have that many and one is Brie and the other is Stina, who's at work until 9ish I think, and then Katie who I'm afraid to bother). I could promise myself that I'll see someone as soon as I'm at college. I'm probably just going to try to tough it out. I'll finish as much work as possible tonight. I'll cut myself if I have to, it's not really that big of a thing. And eventually I'll have to do something, but not now.

This sucks. I can feel my face composing itself. I know that I will be able to pretend to everyone that I'm okay. And even worse, telling people wouldn't matter because no one can help me.

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