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[untitled]

:: 2004 21 November :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: Lisa McCormick

Things that suck
1) Having random headaches.
2) Randomly crying.
3) Not being able to talk to people.
4) Having a sore throat.

Plus I'm really numb right now. And I'd want to be un-numb, except I really don't want to feel anything, because then I'd cry again.

I didn't even have fun at model un mock session today. I didn't not-have fun, I just didn't feel anything about it at all. I'm still not feeling anything.

Part of me is telling me to cut right now, just to feel something. Another part is saying feeling nothing is good. And most of me just doesn't care. Gah. And isn't in wonderful that whenever I start to feel like this all I can do is post in a journal no one reads instead of talking to one of my friends.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 18 November :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: introspective
:: Music: Wicked Soundtrack

A year...
One year ago today I stopped being friends with Lar. I came to school that day and found out from Brie what Larissa had done, and that was it.

I can't believe I actually know the date. I wasn't sure, but I had an idea that today was the day, so I looked it up, and I was right. I can almost not believe that today makes a year.

At the choir festival today, I ended up sitting two seats away from her (I sat next to Brie and she sat next to Larissa, no it was not by choice for either of us to sit near her). I'm still amazingly bitter, but I don't feel like physically assaulting her every time I see her anymore, which is probably a good start.

And I don't care if my friends know that I'm bisexual anymore. I don't even care if other people know. As long as I'm the one who tells my family (on that shadowy day in the future that may never come), and no one yells that I'm not straight in the faces of any homophobic people that I have to deal with regularly, I'm ok. It's not some huge deep dark secret anymore, even though I do like to be private.

It's still really strange that it's a year today though.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 14 November :: 10.18pm
:: Music: Ivy

lots of stuff
1) Guilford is cool. I'm not positive about it, but it's a good second choice. Especially since that only makes two colleges I actually want to go to (making Rutgers my saftey...which is both snobby and sad at the same time).
2) My parents need to back off. They're starting to, a little, but I need more. Basically, I want them to ignore me most of the time unless I show signs of wanting to converse. And I usually don't want to talk. I like being anti-social.
3) I either a)need to stop caring about other people or b)need to get friends that care as much about me as I do them.
4) I'm really really worried about Stina. And yes, like everyone else, she probably doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. Which, in her case, is almost ok, because she's got enough going on. Which is why I'm worried.
5) I need to start telling more people what I really think. If I'm this passive-agressive at 18, it suggests that that's the way I'll always be. Which sucks.
6) Not being self-destructive is good. Really good. Which is why carrying a notebook with me at all times is essential. Going to the park today was stupid...until I found a picnic table and actually wrote out what I was feeling, which is what I should have done at home instead of randomly driving myself to the next town when I got upset.
7) I need to stop talking to myself.
8) I'm half telling myself that I need to stop being so self-indulgent and into myself, and half thinking that if I don't care about myself then who will. And parents don't count.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 7 November :: 3.01pm

I love my story/novel/book/thing
I really do. I love watching it take shape. I love writing it in little snipits, so I have parts from different sections of the story all together in a random order. I love knowing information about the characters that will probably never make the book. I love how it started off as me rambling about a thunderstorm, and then it went to a novel about the people I ate lunch with last year, and then it became a story about me and Katie, and then it went into a vague fantasy story, and at the moment it's a coming of age story about three people and the connections between them with some fantasy and other characters thrown in. And next week it might be different. I figure it will probably take me a year (maybe less) to actually figure out the plot and characters, and by that time I should be taking writing classes in college and I should be able to handle dialouge (my writing weakness). I'm actually really enjoying carrying around a notebook and jotting stuff down in the middle of the night or in the middle of math class. I love having a purpose--I have to finish this story (or at least the plot). Yes, I'm gushing, but it's nice to have something to enjoy.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 5 November :: 4.23pm
:: Music: random

Goucher!
I just got back. I want to go there. The campus is pretty and huge, with most of the buildings close together, but with lots of woods and trails and stuff. And Towson is really nice (a nicer New Brunswick, almost), and Baltimore is really close, but it doesn't feel like living in a city. The interview went really well, especially the part when the interviewer guy looked at my grades and SAT scores and told me how smart I appeared to be, and then how I shouldn't have any problems with the application process. And they have tons of cool study abroad programs and internships and their newspaper is awesome and they're going to get free music and movie downloading for students and they have small classes and close teacher-student relationships and a cool library and really nice english and political science departments. The only bad thing is that they have a really high smoking rate, but I can get into a non-smoking dorm without doing a wellness dorm, and all the buildings are smoke-free inside. And it's not easy to get to, I would need to take a twenty minute cab ride to or from the closest train station if I wanted to go without a car (everything else, including the mall, banks, a grocery store, two bookstores, a drug store, and restaurants, is close by, so I'm going to try to go carless at least at first), but that's ok, I think I'll deal.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 29 October :: 10.55pm

And then I get depressed again. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
College better be as good as it's cracked up to be. But it's not going to stop me from being anti-social and getting offended by things as stupid as my mother wanting me back on meds (mom, I'm taking them. THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS. There is a REASON why I don't up my dose every time I sing too much to a Broadway CD and get a cough. I know it's your job as a mother to care....but I am EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD and I have been handling my own medication for YEARS. Wasn't I right to resist taking all those asthma meds back in middle school when I said they weren't working, because *gasp* they weren't and I actually didn't have asthma?). Yes, I am still bitter for stupid thigns that happened a long time ago. And if I was smart and actually had friends like other people have friends (you know, people you actually hang out with, instead of sending coded signals to each other through "signifigant looks" and never calling, or ignoring/avoiding you for weeks so you're simultaneously worried and annoyed at them), then I wouldn't spend all my time at home avoiding my parents by developing an internet addiction.

Gad, this is a joke, and if I don't develop a life in college....gah.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 29 October :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: Good!
:: Music: Wicked sountrack

Scary
I wore makeup to school today to go with my halloween 1980s theme, and I got waaaaay too many compliments on my makeup. I was not supposed to look pretty! Gah.

But the day was nice. The first really nice day I've had in a while. It's nice to have a day when I'm not feeling depressed or under pressure or stressed out or confused. I had all my homework done, several people gave me candy (including the sophomore girl I had a crush on at the beginning of the year...too bad I got over the crush, but it was still cool), I got my Crime and Law project back (an A! Yes, I will skip that final thank you!), a cool guy's a'capella group sang during my first choir class, we sang the alto part to that really cool Oliver song in my second choir class, and I did my speech practice really really well (if I may say so myself. and it was better than "bush's" speech). And my English test was cancelled. And I got to wear my sister's awesome red leather jacket. And I have very little homework over the weekend, and I have a party to go to (I felt so cool in math; people were talking about this halloween party they were all going to where they'll do all the stereotypical high school party stuff, and I get to go to a party where there's a good chance of a pinata, which is much cooler). Plus I'm actually doing things on Halloween (a stupid brunch and volunteering, but it counts). So I'm pretty happy.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 28 October :: 4.45pm

To she whom this concerns (again):
Today was kinda nice at lunch. It was just you and me, but that was okay. I'm glad that you seem to appreciate the way I try not to butt in. I said something about how if Stina's not going to tell me things, I'm not going to pressure her to tell me or anything, because that's just not the way I am. And you looked thoughtful and agreed "no, you're not." And I'm glad that you value me as a friend, because I sometimes feel like a real friend would know more details about your life. I am glad that you seem to be getting better. And I'm glad that you can laugh and joke and make fun of me and K. Because I was really, really worried about you, but I'm hoping that you're going to be ok now.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 27 October :: 5.13pm

I need to stop worrying about certain people (person). If she won't tell me anything, then whatever. I'm not going to worry about her away messages or profile or the fact that she appears to be in an abusive relationship because she won't even tell me that she's dating. And if she doesn't tell me anything there's nothing I can do, so it's not worth it to make myself heartsick over her. She's my friend, and I care about her, but enough is enough and I can't take it anymore.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 24 October :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: Garden State soundtrack

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE ASK ME HOW I AM?!?!?! Ask me what's new! Ask me how's school! Ask me anything, just pretend that you actually care about my freaking life!

Or, maybe you shouldn't. I don't know what sort of answer I would give.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 22 October :: 5.27pm

To she whom this concerns
These are the things I'm unclear on:
How many people died
Who died
What their actual names are
Where they died
If you're actually dating
Who you're she dating
How you're feeling
If you're going to be alright
Why you didn't tell the person who is supposedly your best friend (but told-ish me and others?)
Why you always changes screen names without telling me
If you still cuts herself
If your dad is still in town
If you wants me to be concerned, or if you would rather pretend that everything is alright
Why/if I care so much when everyone else just seems to be ignoring it
Whether or not I'm overreacting

And if we had an open friendship, instead of this weird don't call, don't see, don't ask thing we have going on, then maybe we'd talk and I'd know some of the answers. But I don't want to invade your personal space, especially when you seem to need it so much.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 21 October :: 5.37pm

It sucks when people are hurting and you can't help them. When you can't even ask questions. When you can't do more than just hope they realize that you care. When you just hope that they have enough sense not to kill themselves. And I can't even tell a guidance counsler, because she has a crappy father and things would get worse. And I'm sure her mother is watching her (this is the girl that has to eat dinner with a plastic knife). But I'm so, so worried, and I can't even talk to her and she's barely taking to me and in two days she'll just pretend that everything is wonderful and something terrible didn't just happen. And I can't even ask her the details.

I really, really, really, hope she doesn't try to kill herself. She'd get caught. But I don't want her to try. And I wish she would talk to me so I could help her.

EDIT: And what really makes this terrible, she's always making sure that I'm ok. She asked me about how *I* was doing today, because she remembers my stressed out bad mood. She's is always ALWAYS reliable and has NEVER let me down. And I can't even be as a good a friend to her as she is to me.

EDIT, again: She's already acting like everything's ok and I already feel like I'm overreacting. And it sucks because I never know how she's actually feeling.

EDIT^3: And now I have a really bad headache...

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2004 20 October :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: stressed out

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I feel better now. Or not. Maybe I'll feel better once I finish everything that's due...and then they'll assign me more crap. It's so sad that I have half as many committments as everyone else but I am just as ineffectual at doing work. Case in point: I have a four page paper due Friday. Current progress: only finished half the pre-req stuff, haven't even gotten to the paper. And it's almost 9 o'clock. lkjdsfhsjfdskaguoeirdj!

response?