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:: 2006 10 March :: 1.31am

Damn damn damn
I totally accept that I have issues. I could make a list. I understand my problems. But that doesn't help. I can think about how much I suck all day long, but that isn't going to make anything better.

I just felt like curling into a ball all day long. I've been acting like an ass. No one ever wants to be friends with the depressed person, and I'd really like to avoid high school's vicious cycle. But I'm scared of therapists, my support system is patchy, and my room (the one place I usually feel safe and secure) has been full of people having breakdowns and issues and long conversations that I'm probably not supposed to hear but can't avoid hearing because the walls are too damn thin.

Allison yelled at me for repressing the other day, but I really don't know how one goes about dealing with issues. Thinking about stuff hurts. And going on like I have been I'm not going to have friends soon. I didn't realize that I was going to have so much baggage (especially since I was fine last semester, after I adjusted), and I don't have time to have a fullscale mental breakdown.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 27 February :: 11.03pm
:: Music: Dar Williams

I still hate February
I'm having a "nobody likes me" attack...I need to stop caring so much. In other news, I finally got a livejournal. I'll probably still update this, though...it's probably good to have a journal my roommates don't read. I have five friends so far (three that I live with, my roommate's girlfriend, and the really really sweet girl down the hall); it was like instant popularity but not really.

Allison got Katie's letter today; it was hilarious (if slightly surreal). Allison was waaaay too excited to show the note to her girlfriend, and is currently formulating a respone. I think Matt (friend of my suitemates who was convinced I lived in his house despite seeing me in my room all the time) was confused at why my ex-gf sent my roommate a love letter. Actually, Mellisa was confused too. Allison and I just laughed (and eventually explained).

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 21 February :: 11.39pm

things
1) I want to have sex with Steve. He wants to have sex with me. We will probably have sex soon. Should I be freaked out by this? I might be.

2) I'm starting to think I might actually be clinically depressed (as opposed to just feeling bad in bad situations, aka high school). Not sure yet, and after talking to Allison there's no way I'm going to the health center, because they can kick me out if they think I'm a danger to myself until they say I'm not anymore. I don't feel particularly awful compared to the past, so I think I'll stick it out and wait for February to end.

3) Barrett. I should have stopped worrying and caring by now! But apparently he not only remembers who I am, he cared enough to tell Brie to congratulate me on getting out. I'm glad he said that, but I wish he could get out too.

4) I worry about other people. A lot. There are a bunch of people on my worry list, and I desperately want their problems to resolve...but worry and want aren't useful.

5) There's a zombies versus humans game going on on campus. My roommate, one of my suitemates, and my suitemate's boyfriend are playing. The bf doesn't go to Goucher, but he spends a ton of time on campus anyway (and he was a Goucher freshman last year), so the creators of the game bent the rules to let him in. He's been staying in the suite since Saturday night. This will be his fourth night in a row. He's going to stay until the game is over. That could take two weeks. I think we should charge him rent, even though he is a nice guy. I kinda wish I had a say in this, or that I was at least told instead of waking up in the morning to him sleeping on the futon.

6) Apparently Allison's sister is going to visit in a couple months and stay for a week. Another case of "please tell me." But I'm actually looking forward to meeting her, so that's ok. And I was told, even if I had to ask questions.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 14 February :: 12.40am

Why do I feel so goddamned off-balance?

EDIT: Oh. PMS. That explains things.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 13 February :: 4.01pm
:: Music: the cranberries

scary
I had a small breakdown yesterday. It wasn't completely without reason, it was definitely triggered by something, but there was nothing seriously wrong. I was just sobbing. I haven't had anything like this happen since I've gotten to college. I've sobbed, yes, but with reason. It scares me. I had just finished talking to Katie, too, and it was a nice conversation with someone I hadn't talked to recently.

I hate randomly breaking down.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 6 February :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: not bad
:: Music: some random stuff allison is playing about gay men

Allison has a girlfriend, a fact that is making me ridiculously happy. Plus I already knew her girlfriend, and she is an awesome person. It's so great watching them hold hands and be happy.

I'm not sure how much longer Steve and I will be dating, but I'm not going to stress. Whatever happens, happens. And I will never regret dating him (well, unless something huge happens). I think I'd like to continue to date, but we'll see. If I think too much about it, I'll start to get upset before there's something to be upset about.

I'm actually sorta cheerful right now. My classes are good, and I have friends in all of them (I wasn't supposed to, but schedule screw ups somehow worked to my favor). I don't have a ton of work, and what work I do have I've been keeping up with. I've been fighting off worry with mixed success, but I'm pretty sure that it's improbable that *everyone* hates me, so that's good. I'm trying really hard not to be overly paranoid, not to read too much into things, not to worry about things I can't change. In short, I'm trying not to be angsty. It would be easier if it wasn't February.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 31 January :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: not bad

stuff
I've been contemplating moving my journal to lj, or possibly just having both...mostly just so I no longer feel guilty about stalking other people on lj (though Allison just about ordered me to read hers, so I don't feel guilty about that anymore).

Allison has also ordered me not to feed myself tonight. She's taking everyone out to dinner, and we're not allowed to pay or not go. I feel bad, because I kinda don't want to go because I still feel a little awkward with the other people included in this "everyone." I'd also like to eat dinner with Steve...and I don't want him to have to eat alone. Bleh, I hate conflict.

I didn't get to spend as much time with Steve as I hoped. It was kinda weird at first because we hadn't seen each other in 6 weeks, we weren't even really touching for a while (by "a while" I mean a couple hours). Yesterday there were a lot of people around, and I didn't feel like being around everyone else when they got drunk and I'm not about to ask Steve to stop drinking just because I'm a puritan (the weird atheist bisexual sort of puritan). I like the necklace he got me for Christmas, though, and I keep playing with the pendant.

I'm also bored...I only had one class today, and it was fairly early. I was supposed to have Spanish, but they changed the classroom and the professor and the day on me without telling me (I sat in a French class for a good five minutes before I realized that it was the wrong language). That means my Tuesdays are practically empty, while my Thursdays are much crazier now (five hours five minutes of class, which is going to be hell). My Wednesdays are also crazy with four hours forty minutes of class. It's not as long as a high school day, but it's more intense and each class requires a ten minute walk.

Today is also my dad's birthday...and my sister's surgery...and my grandma's colonoscopy...plus my mom is sick. I sorta feel like I should be home.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2006 29 January :: 11.57pm

I feel like shit. If I'm lucky, the feeling will subside.

I knew that coming back wouldn't fix things, but I still wish it would. I hate how I get so depressed sometimes. I shouldn't be. It's just hard to remember that people care about me, even though it should be obvious. I don't always believe it. And the worst part is that no one wants to spend time with someone who's depressed, so it works like a vicious cycle.

One fun thing: Chris holding my hands in his and saying that he heard the news and congratulations...I was really confused because I'm not pregnant (he really acted like I was). but he was referring to me coming out (he's had to do that too).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2006 19 January :: 12.00am
:: Mood: slightly melodramatic
:: Music: america

Being bi
I just came out, so, goddamnit, I'm going to take advantage of the coming out angst I'm entitled to to...angst.

It feels weird. I always figured out that I'd eventually discover that I was a lesbian. But I'm not. I like Steve, and I've had crushes on guys before. I probably will again, and I might even date other guys. Hell, for all I know I could never date another woman. But no matter what happens now, I'm bi. It feels official, just like Nicole said it would. As tempting as it is to not take a label, to just let people judge me by whomever I'm dating at the time, I can't.

And now I feel responsiblity. I felt it a bit before, but I feel it more now. I don't want people to assume I'm straight just because I have a boyfriend. I want people to think about me when they form opinions about queer people, and bi people in particular. I don't want to just assimilate and cover my sexuality.

But I'm also starting to realize everything that staying out entails. Getting into politics will be more difficult. Getting any sort of job will require a bit more research and effort. Dating could be more difficult, because there's some prejudice against bisexuals by both some straight and gay people. If I don't want to pass as one or the other, I'll have to deal with the fact that lots of people won't understand why I chose to indentify as bi, as well as people who think I'm just confused. I'm finally not confused anymore, and it's a good feeling.

One of my friends also came out this week (before I did), and I feel a lot like she does. It does feel more official, like I've decided what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm really glad I finally did it; it was time.

I also updated facebook today to say that I'm interested in both men and women, so that lets about 60 people know, plus everyone at Goucher who cares to see (though a lot of those 60 people already know).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2006 7 January :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: Get Up Kids

bburg is bad for me
There are a lot of things happening lately in the background. Even though none of it relates directly to me, the domino effect gets to me anyway.

1) Andrew. I'm sorry he died.
2) Mr. Thompson. I can't stop thinking about it...because everyone is talking about it (and if hermit liz is hearing things, it's definitely everywhere).
3) Barrett. Yes, I know he left a long time ago. But I still think about him, and I just randomly came across his xanga.

There's also just...being here. Being away from the majority of my friends, because I didn't make very many in this area. Being back where I have more bad memories than good. And if I could spend my entire break with Katie and Jennie and maybe another person or two I like, I'd be fine, but I can't expect people to let me rely on them that much. I did get out today to go ice skating, which was nice, even if I did fall on my ass a couple times. And i'll get through break. I'm just trying to be careful to remember that just because I'm home I don't have to act like I'm 17 (or 18) again. And it's hard not to complain.

This is unrelated, but my neighbor put up an album of himself on facebook comprised entirely of him being in the background of pictures. There are photos where you can see just his right arm, or half of his head, and photos where it's clear that he accidentally walked into them. It's funny, in a sorta sad kinda way.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2006 1 January :: 8.09pm
:: Music: vanessa carlton

It's so weird
In a way, I have lots of time, so much that it feels endless. I have no job, no commitments, no plans. Just day after day of TIME. It's not good or bad, it's just there. In a way, it's nice, because there are things I want to do, and people I care about I want to see. It also seems too long, and I wonder what I'm going to do with myself.

But it's only four more weeks. Four more weeks, and then I'm gone again. It's going to feel like loss. There's so much I wish I could do, and I have four weeks before some people aren't in my life as much anymore, and I feel like I'm wasting time.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 25 December :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: unhappy, for some reason
:: Music: Atheist Christmas Carol--Vienna Teng

my angst is acting up
I really am not a huge fan of Christmas. For some reason, it fails to fill me with seasonal cheer.

I'm also sad that I'm pretty assuredly NOT going to Times Square with friends on New Year's. If I was doing something else with friends, I wouldn't care, but I'll probably just end up continuing my tradition of going to bed early. It sucks, because now I probably won't have another opportunity to see any of my college friends until we all get back to Goucher. There's still a small chance I could go, but it's quite infintisimal (did I spell that right?).

Also, my back has been itching...and I feel distinictly unattractive...and I miss Steve...and I miss having things to do...and it is now 12:02, and Christmas is over.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 20 December :: 11.30pm
:: Music: james taylor

things i should/could/will do over break
Because the boredom is beginning to set in...
1) Clean out my room (already started; I was throwing out pictures from when I was six and notes from sixth grade).
2) Spend time with Rita (did yesterday, probably will again)
3) Do stuff with Katie (no, not that kind of stuff)
4) Work on my novel
5) Finish Christmas shopping/wrap Christmas presents
6) Take walks in the park
7) Spend some time with Brie/Brenda/Jenny/other people I haven't seen in a while
8) Twiddle my thumbs a lot
9) Do more beading
10) Practice shuffling cards
11) Make a gynocologist appointment
12) Learn exactly how to spell gynocologist (because I think I'm off)
13) Make a denist appointment
14) Spend time with my grandmothers
15) Feed my internet addiction
16) Learn to cook
17) Volunteer somewhere
18) Go file crap in my dad's office
19) Get my tv hooked up in my room and gain a tv addiction
20) Read recaps to Gilmore Girls (which I really did mean to watch tonight...oops)
21) Get together with some college friends who live in the approximate area
22) Go into NYC (once the transit strike is over)
23) Read more books
24) Find and read more webcomics
25) Write more fiction
26) Make more lists of what to do to fill the tedium

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