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:: 2005 20 December :: 12.03am
:: Music: Indigo Girls

since my last post got deleted...
Well, I'm home. I miss Goucher and Steve and my friends. But it's nice to be here and to have so much freedom in what I'll do with my time.

I saw Katie on Sunday, which was both fun and frustrating. I need to keep a level head. I also saw Rita today. It wasn't exactly planned (I went online early in the afternoon and she begged me to pick her up to help alleviate her end-of-semester-everyone's-gone boredom). I've never driven quite that far out in her direction before, but using her (wrong) directions and my awesome directional skills, I very randomly found myself on her campus. We saw a movie and had dinner in her dining hall, talked a bit (it's so good to have someone to compare romantic angst with), and then I made my way back.

I'm glad that I've managed to keep busy so far. I don't want to sit around the house for six weeks melting into the couch. I probably will be spending more time around the house than I would like, but at least i got out for the past couple days, and I will again Friday.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 10 December :: 1.26am

staying happy is a fulltime job
It really is. Some people seem to be naturally cheerfull. I'm naturally angsty. But if I really think about it, being unhappy doesn't make sense. I usually get unhappy because I don't feel accepted...and then, as an unhappy angsty person, people want to spend less time with me. So if I just force myself to stop feeling bad when things actually don't suck that much, then I'll be fine.

I also need to stop wondering exactly when Steve and I will break up. I kinda feel like I'm rooting for it all to end, and that's not fair. I like spending time with him and I like doing things with him...but lately I've been feeling kind of awkward. There's a natural progression of things that starts with kissing and ends...well, someplace I don't really want to go. So we'll see what happens.

But I really need to start thinking positively.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 8 December :: 1.10am

sooooo....
Things are fairly decent for me right now. I have a boyfriend, my cold is going away, and I have no more schoolwork. NONE. No finals, no papers. Friday is reading period, Monday starts exam week, and I'm not leaving until next Thursday. That gives me a week to do nothing, which is nice, if slightly boring. I've already gotten a lot of my friends to promise to call me/randomly knock on my door when they have free time, and I have things I'm planning on doing (like beading and ducttaping).

And I feel kinda bad about it. I hate when people I care about are having a bad time, and it's not just angst, it's not just being young, it's not just being in high school or any other temporary condition, but something that is horrible and unchangeable. I might have had a shitty high school experience, the only unchangeable aspect that made things kinda difficult was my sexuality (and that I've pretty much been able to come to terms with). I've always had enough money and such, even if I sometimes worry about things. And, no matter what I do in college, I have the consolation of knowing that I can concentrate on my studies without worrying about money.

And it's the money thing, basically, that's making feel guilty and angry. Things like this are helping to push towards politics, because inequities like this in our prosperous society are obscene. I do not deserve more than other people just because my family has the money to send me to college without loans (and the money to take care of other basics so I don't have to). And I at least made it to college, at least two of my friends haven't made it that far, and others might not either, mostly because of money. Gah.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 3 December :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: sick, but otherwise fine
:: Music: Ivy

I always thought I was fairly hard to read. I'm a private person, plus my facial expressions are subtle. And I think most people like to think that they are complex and mysterious.

But Allison reads me like a book. I don't know if it's because she's really good at reading people, or because I'm easy to figure out, or just because she's well-attuned to me after living with me for months. But she's figured out who I have crushes on just by looking at my face after she mentioned their names. She knew immediately from the sound of my voice (she couldn't even see my face) when Steve and I first did something. She knows what I'm thinking most of the time, and I think she can tell when I'm hiding things.

It's kinda interesting, and nice.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 1 December :: 11.53pm
:: Music: Lisa McCormick

Lots of stuff
1) I have finally done something sexual besides masturbating (or, rather, had someone else do it to me), and I like it. It feels so weird, in a way, to think of myself as doing something like that, but it's not like I'm not 19 already.

2) This means Steve has seen my legs. Though it was dark, he wasn't wearing glasses, adn I don't think he was paying particular attention to my thighs (which still have faint--and not so faint--scars).

3) Steve has also asked me to wax my lip...grrr. Though, to be fair, I told him to tell me what he likes (though I didn't mean looks-wise), and he couldn't have known I'm insecure about it.

4) Today was World AIDS Day and I just realized that I am completely terrified of AIDS. I also didn't know a lot about precautions to take during sex (straight sex yes, but I only knew shadowy info about lesbian sex, a deficiency which has been rectified).

5) Margaret's been flirting with me, and I wish she'd stop. She's straight. We both have boyfriends. She's just doing it for fun...but I think it's making Steve uncomfortable, and it's kinda making me uncomfortable. Especially since she's one of those people who experimented a bit in order to figure out their sexual orientation, and I suspect that she might still be a bit confused. I really really don't want her to use me to check her heterosexuality, especially since I'm in a monogamous relationship. Then again, she might not be, and I might be taking it too far, but her flirting with me kinda needs to stop because even if she's straight, I'm not.

6) It feels weird that I'm going to be back home in two weeks. I won't see anyone from college for six weeks unless they visit (or I visit them). Six weeks is a loooong time.

7) I need to come out to my parents. I've been meaning to do it ever since Katie and I ceased dating (and even before that). They know my roommate is gay, so there's no reason why they shouldn't know about me (well, no good reason). I'm just incredibly scared about it. I don't like sharing personal details. But random people who live down the hall know I'm bi, so my parents should too.

8) Tonight was the special holiday dinner in the dining hall, and it was awesome. They had a live band, and really good turkey (as well as vegan noturkey, which I didn't dare try) and stuffing and mashed potatoes and seafood cakes and cranberry sauce and tons of different salads and pumpkin pie ice cream and apple toffee ice cream and apple cider and tons more. It was wonderful, especially since I was with cool people (Steve and Margaret, who is still awesome despite going slightly overboard in flirting with me).

I think that's about it.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 25 November :: 11.30pm
:: Music: rent (movie) soundtrack

I think everything with Katie and me is going to be okay.

I don't know. Maybe we just had to date as a weird progression of our friendship. Maybe we never should have dated. Maybe we should have skipped the dating part and just broken up. And is it right for us to suddenly to be old girlfriends? Am I allowed to be bitter? Should I be?

But I think everything will be okay. And it's good to have diversified my support base, so it's no longer just her.

I need to stop listening to music that makes me emotional. And hi Katie if you're reading this.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 24 November :: 2.28am

Rita
I spent a lot of time in Dunkin Donuts today. I saw Brie at 3 for about an hour in the one near our house.

I had dinner with my parents, and then met Rita and her friend Cathy at the movie theater at 9. They both work there sometimes, so they got free tickets and popcorn and soda (and, by being with them, so did I). We saw Rent, which was awesome. I got to talk with Rita a bit, which was nice, though Cathy and I don't really know each other. The movie made all of us cry. Afterwards, we were going to go to Applebees, but Cathy decided not to go at the last second because she figured it would be closed (it was about 12:45 at this point). Rita and I decided to try it out anyway, and it was closed, as was the McDonald's next door. We then went through every 24 hour place we could think of in our heads, and settled on the Dunkin Donuts in Somerville (the one close to downtown). I just got back.

We had an amazing conversation. I'm pretty much up to date now on her entire romantic life, and she is on mine. We talked about so much stuff, and it was so nice to have someone to talk to face to face about everything.

And we talked about high school, and about how my experience was crappy and her's was good, and then I said how I couldn't believe how angsty I've been, and she said she didn't think I was all that angsty, and I said that I was really stressed out in high school and didn't always deal with stress in good ways. She said, "you didn't..." and I kinda said yes/nodded, and she kinda looked at my arms and said that she'd never seen anything and I looked at my legs and she understood. And I told her I stopped in April (April 24th was the last time, actually), and that I'd started the summer before sophomore year (August 19th 2002). She asked me if I was ok now and I told her I was. It's just nice to talk about, because it was one of my last secrets with her. Also, it wasn't a huge deal either, and I like that it wasn't.

But it is so, so good to talk and to get everything off of my back, and to be able to listen to someone else.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 22 November :: 10.49pm
:: Music: Anna Nalick

home
So...I'm home, for the first time since August. It almost feels like I never left, which I'm not sure I appreciate. Oh well. Seeing certain people will be nice.

I was looking at some of my old word files, and reading a few aim conversations I saved, and it's hard to believe that I could be that angsty. I still get angsty now, but it's not quite so bad.

It's also really strange to think that in three months I've changed so much, but at least I know that it's for the better.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 16 November :: 12.35am
:: Mood: happy, i think
:: Music: dresden dolls

musings
So...I feel weird. I never thought of myself as actually doing things like other people, not romantically at least.

But Steve and I started dating today. And last night we made out for about an hour an a half (and again today). And I'm already showing a guy how to undo the clasp on my bra...

And it feels weird. I just broke up with (was broken up with by) someone. My "experience" before this consisted of holding hands and a few chaste kisses. And it's just weird to think of myself as being normalish for someone my age.

And I also wonder what else is left to keep us occupied. We kinda moved fairly quickly. I don't want to have sex or anything like that anytime soon. I don't want to spend emmense amounts of time making out everyday.

Also, this is NOT an open relationship...so I suddenly feel guilty for having crushes on some of my female friends.

But it was definitely fun to watch our friends react. We went and watched Gilmore Girls, just like we usually do...but Steve was kinda laying on top of me. Margaret kept looking behind her at us about every five minutes. Chelsea kept glancing at us with a surprised look on her face. And they (and everyone else there) got very happy once we gave in and told them. Why do people act like you're announcing a promotion or an engagement or something when you tell them you're dating?

So, I'm happy. And confused. And very grateful that Steve had a brush he could lend me so I could make my hair less mussy before I left his room.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 2 November :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: suzanne vega

We were talking about something really interesting in one of my classes today. The question was whether or not people have a responsibility to whatever communities they're in to succeed. At first, I didn't think so. Volunteering to serve the community I could see, but I didn't see why me doing well would help others do well. But then I started to think.

I have a long list of reasons why I can't get elected. If I did break into politics, I would plausibly make it easier for other people like me to get elected. And now that I've started to think about it, I feel an obligation. It's interesting.

I've never really felt part of the gay/lesbian/etc community before, and now I do. There's pressure to do well to help everyone that I don't feel for (as an example) being white or anything else like that. But because I belong to a minority group which faces discrimination, what I do can reflect on more people than just myself. It's why I (and lots of other gay people) were so upset at the stupid former governor of New Jersey making "us" look bad.

Oh, and I came out to my entire class today. Not that it was a secret. But it did get mentioned while I was contributing to the discussion (actually, I tried not to, but then the professor asked what groups I was talking about...so oh well). And Kate backed me up, which was nice of her.

Kate and I kept talking after class...it's nice to know that she understands what I was talking about.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 31 October :: 5.10pm
:: Music: none

wondering
Barrett. Barrett, Barrett, Barrett. I know he's 18 now. I hope it's all working out for him, even if he is an asshole.

I dressed up as the class mobility (or upward mobility) fairy today. I wore black and ripped dirty jeans, and twisted wings with my hair all messy and over my face. I was one of two winners in my Frontiers class (we were supposed to be a class stereotype...but I wanted to wear wings). I might go trick or treating in 15 minutes. I might do stuff tonight. I might just sit in my room and do absolutely nothing all night.

I feel vaguely dissatisfied. I don't know why. Hopefully the feeling will go away soon.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 30 October :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: tiredish
:: Music: suzanne vega and whatever comes next in alphabetical order on my mp3 player

my weekend
Friday night was great. Last night was great. Today is homework infested. But yesterday was worth it.

I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time yesterday. I'd seen bits and pieces on tv before, but this was the first time I saw it in a theaterish setting (it was in a lecture hall, with actors and stuff in front of the screen). Due to my lack of slutty clothing, I was a bit of a group project. I ended up wearing Jenny's awesome black combat boots, Nichole's fish nets and white "pearl" necklace, and my own black shirt/jacket/skirt (which I had to kinda fold in half because it's normally ankle length, so it was amazingly short). Nichole did my makeup and Margaret loaned me lipstick. I really like the way I look with eyeliner and mascara, too bad I don't care enough to do it myself.

The show was awesome. Afterwards, we walked to the diner and had a late dinner/snack thing. Then we went back to watch Kill Bill (I got through about the first half hour before succumbing to my exhaustion and going back to my room for bed). We were lucky that we gained a daylight savings hour, because even with adjusting for it I didn't get to sleep until 4:30 in the morning.

One of the nice things about what I've been doing lately is that it's been with some different people. It's also nice that these other people aren't straight. It's not that I have anything against straight people...it's just that it's nice to be able to talk about how pretty other (female) people are and have other people agree. It's kinda a stupid little thing, but it makes me feel more comfortable.

Right now I should probably be doing homework, I only have a TON of it to do. And maybe I should get my halloween costume together (I was going to be a communist fairy, but now I think I'm just going to be a lower class for my one class where they're making us dress up as class stereotypes).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 14 October :: 1.26am
:: Music: jonathan edwards

awesome night
So I met with everyone at 7:30 in Molly's room for gay movie night before BGLAD. We watched Stage Beauty, which was awesome, and then hung out a bit before going down to the common room at ten for the meeting. No one was there, and Jeff checked his email and found out that the meeting was cancelled. We weren't really fond of the idea of doing nothing on the first night of midsemster break, so we decided to walk to SuperFresh to get cookies to decorate (which was supposedly what we were going to do at the BGLAD meeting).

It was the funniest thing. Jenny has short boy-hair, bleached blond, and she put it up in a fake mowhalk today, and then she added a great black trench coat (and she was wearing combat boots!). We all gathered umbrellas and such because it's been raining off and on all day, and went off the the 24-hour SuperFresh. Once we figured out that we would have to climb the fence to go the short way, we turned around to go to the regular SuperFresh, which happily was still open at 10:30 at night. The air felt wonderful and cool, and we were all happy and talking, and I felt very contented. We managed to freak out a very proper looking older couple (I think Jenny offended her), and then we truimphantly returned with some sugar cookies and icing (we already had sprinkles). We did the cookie thing back in the dorm (Jenny made a penguin cookie in honor of BGLAD and the gay penguins), and then we went back to my room to watch Daria. I had five people on my bed, two people on the floor, and my laptop on my desk chair. Tomorrow we're going to the mall. We kinda want to go to the Ren Faire, but we have no transportation, so we're going to the mall instead.

I love doing things like this. I love having fun with a group of people and not doing anything I don't want to (like drink). I had a shitty week (stupid low moments managed to follow me across state lines, damn them), but tonight made me feel better. I also liked that I hung out with some different people tonight, because I needed a bit of a break from certain people. Plus Jenny's really hot, and, for once, of the appropriate sexual orientation (but I think she might be dating someone, I'm really not sure). But tonight was basically just very fun and happy, and I'm glad that I've met such cool people, even if I still miss people from home.

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