[untitled]

[untitled]

:: 2005 13 October :: 12.22am

I've been meeting with some people roughly every two weeks to workshop writing and talk. There are six of us, and we've also started having a "gay movie night" (note to self, 7:30) every week before the BGLAD meeting on Thursdays. Tonight towards the beginning of our little meeting, Kate asked for clarification: "How many of us think Keira Knightly is hot?" The way she said it made it quite obvious what she was asking. All of us but my friend Margaret raised our hands; she said she didn't know who she was and she looked really confused. It was really the funniest thing. I had to tell her to keep her hand down.

Later, I walked back with Nichole, and found out that she and Kate are both bi, though Nichole said she likes girls better right now, too. I'm really not used to having so many friends who aren't straight. I'm not used to being open about it. But it's nice, and not just because I think three of them are hot.

A small part of me that I feel bad about wishes that Margaret wasn't there. I spend so much time with her every single day, and I really want to get to know these people better. Also, it's always easier to talk about things when you know that everyone in the room is queer. I spent the afternoon with two of these people (without Margaret), and I really enjoyed just getting to know them, and I hope to spend more time with them in the future. But tonight was still fun.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 12 October :: 9.07am
:: Music: my roommate is sleeping, so none

i am a nerd boy magnet
So I talked to Steve last week and made sure that he knew I wasn't interested in him as anything other than a friend. It went alright, and we're definitely still friends (though I know he still likes me). But it's as taken care of as I can get it.

Now, of course, I find out that another guy (with glasses, no social skills, and a love of reading at dinner, aka a nerd) appears to like me. How do I know this? According to my friends, he asked me out at lunch the other day, and I said yes. I didn't realize at the time that that was what was happening, but oh well. I like this guy, again, as a friend (he's odd in that he rarely speaks or looks at people, but he's really very funny and smart). But now Molly wants tips on how to attract guys, and it's all very funny and confusing at the same time because no one ever used to like me before (with the exception, hopefully, of my girlfriend).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 4 October :: 12.03am

I don't like Steve, not the way he likes me.

It's so nice that I got this realization way too late. He thinks I like him now. I feel horrible.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 29 September :: 1.16am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: my roommate is sleeping

Steve likes me. I thought he might before; it's been confirmed. I really didn't believe it before. I just thought it was one of Margaret's mad notions. But he really does like me, and he has for awhile, and I'm completely confused.

It does make me feel better that there are people who find me attractive (besides Katie), and that there are people who don't mind dating a bi girl in a poly relationship. But it's really taken me aback, even though I suspected before, because I'm very much not used to being in this situation.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 21 September :: 12.41am

I have a ton of weird emotions, but no time to sort them all out because I still have homework to do before I sleep.

I'm 19 now, though, and my it's not my birthday anymore, and I did not, unfortunately, manage to be happy all the way through (why do I think about self harm today of all days? it's like clockwork).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 17 September :: 12.09pm

Last night
My roommate's bf is over, so I slept in Molly and Margaret's room. We had a big movie night with everyone, which was awesome. Even Steve's roommate Tim came. After the first movie, we all went out into the hall and Tim taught us how to ballroom dance (waltzing at midnight!). It was all super cool and awesome and I appreciated that we had ten people in a room and music on (we were all dancing at one point) and all the trappings of a party without anything that makes me uncomfortable.

Of course, Alex had to come looking kinda drunk with a bottle of coke that smelled odd. Apparently only Steve and I really noticed (Steve drank half of it), but there was Jack Daniels in it. And it really really really shouldn't make me feel uncomfortable. The night was awesome, and sleeping over was fun (Steve stayed too). But I kinda feel like it was marred, and I know I shouldn't feel like that.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 16 September :: 11.12am
:: Music: goo goo dolls

today
My roommate is currently watching Jerry Springer on my tv. Her boyfriend is (most likely, she's not completely sure yet) coming tonight and staying until Sunday. I am so happy our roommateness is soon coming to an end.

It does help having Molly and Margaret and Steve. Molly and Margaret are letting me sleep in their room this weekend, which is fantastic (sleepover party, woo!). Just hearing my roommate talk on the phone to her boyfriend is sickening (Margaret said I should tell her to get a dildo), so I don't want to see/hear them do anything else.

Molly and Margaret and Steve are completely wonderful, though. They hug me and support me and don't think there's anything wrong with me. Molly and Margaret have also been cool about sharing their room, which is good because being in the room with my roommate can be irrating to my thoat and my head. Last night I tried writing a paper in here, but I had to stop and drag my laptop over there because I couldn't breathe in my own room.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 12 September :: 1.04am
:: Music: "Circle" by Harry Chapin

I'm listening to the first song I ever remember hearing right now. My dad sings it all the time, and I've never heard the original (or much more than the chorus). It's a pretty song, and Harry Chapin has a nice voice, but I like it much better when my dad sings it.

I'm not homesick, per se, but I'm missing things. I like it here, and I like the friends I've found. I just want to hear my dad sing again, and to be a part of the things that were (still are, it hasn't been that long) so important to me. And it's weird to think that I'm not really going back. The friends I have right now are going to become more and more important to me. The people at home are going to be more and more distant and eventually I might not have anything in common with some of them anymore.

I really need to stop writing things at one in the morning. I'm a lot perkier in the daytime.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 7 September :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: ben folds five

I don't feel well. Yesterday I felt like I was going to throw up. Today I have a headache and stuffed up sinuses. It's allergies, I think. That and maybe sleep deprivation, and maybe stress. I'm not particularly stressed out, but having a roommmate who smokes isn't helping (especially considering that I'm ALLERGIC).

But I was ten minutes late to my Connections class, which is not a great thing to be, because I slept through the beginning. I actually set my alarm clock, and slept through it. Gah.

But I'm done with Spanish homework, and I only have one class (Spanish) tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow is also Molly's birthday, so we'll want to do something. But hopefully it will be better tomorrow. Also, hopefully my RA will email me back about how to change rooms. Stupid people who lie on their rooming forms...grrr.

1 rebuttal | response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 4 September :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: kinda amused
:: Music: Ben Folds

People are oblivious
You know, I thought I was being rather obvious that I wasn't straight. Refering to a specific person as one's girlfriend and talking about certain women in movies as "hot" or "pretty" should have been a bit of a clue. Seriously, I think I mentioned not being straight about four times before they actually got it, and I had to be quite blunt.

And when I finally did say "I'm bisexual," they were like "What????". It was actually kinda funny. Apparently they thought I was just going on about my friend who is a girl. I guess when I counter stories about Margaret's bf with something about my gf, they just thought I was going off-topic.

But now just about all my friends here know that I'm not straight. Since I don't wear a rainbow bracelet and my head isn't shaved and I contribute to Johnny Depp conversations, it was a bit of a hassle getting them to understand. But at least they aren't homophobic.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 1 September :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: "iris" by the goo goo dolls

It's so weird. A few months ago, I was fighting continuous low moments and feeling happy maybe once every couple weeks. I had a couple friends, but spent most of my time alone. School was an exercise in torture.

And it's so odd that it's not like that anymore. I'm usually happy and I have friends and I like my classes. But most people here seem to have a lot of friends at home and to have enjoyed high school. Some people don't even really seem to understand what I mean when I say I hated high school. It's not that I'm really having problems here, which was my fear, but that I can't reall escape stuff I left behind.

I keep trying to not be closeted, to stand up for myself, not to pretend to be anything I'm not. My group of friends has already had the "do you drink" discussion, and while no one really parties a lot, I seem to be the only one who has something against getting drunk (with the exception of Colin, who isn't in my "group" but is still my friend). And I have more friends now that I ever really have before, and some of them are even the kind I can talk to about important things, and people seem to respect me and no one thinks I have anything wrong with me.

But sometimes I still feel like I'm at home, and I wish it wouldn't follow me like this. I'm pretty happy most of the time, but I feel vaguely shadowed.

Goucher's still one of the best things that's ever happened to me though.

3 rebuttals | response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 30 August :: 6.50pm

I'm starting to feel a bit more usual--meaning not quite so happy, not quite so well-adjusted. But that's ok, I guess.

I've met at least two people I'm fairly positive either cut or used to cut. I'm pretty sure there's a bulimic on my floor. My roommate worries about money constantly and has spent a lot of time crying. Goucher is happy, but it's not completely isolated from problems.

I'm still doing pretty well, though. I have friends, especially Colin (the guy from the other night) and some others. So I'll be alright. I think I can handle my random waves of depression a lot better in someplace other than bburg, particularly since so many people are so supportive.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 28 August :: 11.57am
:: Mood: semi-coherent
:: Music: my roommate talking to her bf

Yesterday was nice. For a while I was kinda hanging out by myself, though. I went to the campus coffee shop at 9 for some random jazz thing, and I ended up sitting at a table with this girl and this guy. We started talking, and eventually ended up discussing abortion and religion and politics and stuff, and then we went back to the other girl's room (she's in the new dorm so she was showing us her suite).

We got there a little before 11. We didn't leave until 2:30ish. We're all writers, and we talked a lot about writing and stuff. We ended up just discussing everything. It was completely awesome and wonderful. I ended up telling them I was bi and the guy told us he's gay, and we talked a bit about how hard coming out is. Both of them are really nice people and I feel a real connection with them. I've met a lot of people here, but with most of them I'm still learning where they live and what their hobbies are. What was also nice is that we gave each other hugs when we left, which was awesome because I'm not used to going so long without hugging people.

response?