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fadingintoblue
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2005 27 August :: 10.23am
:: Music: computer hum/bliss's fan
I'm a college kid!
It still feels kinda weird. It's almost like summer camp. Yesterday I fell in with a very nice fun group of people, and we all said how odd it feels to think of ourselves as college students. We don't feel old enough, or different enough, or something like that. It's also kinda weird to be here amongst all these classrooms and books and such and not actually have classes (they start the 31st). But it's good so far.
The first day really sucked, and I felt very lost and isolated, and the beginning of yesterday was the same, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I know that not everyone I'm hanging out with now will become a good friend, but at least I'll have acquantances. It's so nice to have people to talk to finally, and not to be walking around alone all the time.
My roommate and I unfortunately have nothing in common (she's loud, likes pink and soaps and the backstreet boys and r&b and she's really social), but she's also very considerate. I don't think we'll really spend any time together, but that's alright. As long as she doesn't puke on my bed and refuse to clean it up (like Jennie's old roommate), I'll be fine. A lot of people seem to be becoming really good friends with their roommates, but as long as I have some friends, I guess it doesn't matter who they are.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 20 August :: 10.33pm
:: Mood: overwhelmed
:: Music: garden state soundtrack
I can't believe I'm leaving. And I'm...not scared, that's not quite the right word...but...worried? I don't know. It's true that I've been impatiently waiting for college to come for years, but the reality of leaving is hitting me. I don't want to go back to high school. I don't really miss it.
But I miss my routines. I miss my friends. I miss my family (or some of them). I haven't even left yet, and I'm already missing things. I wish I had more time, but even that would just postpone the inevitable; I have to start making my own way sometime. I can't stay where I've been comfortable for the rest of my life. I will eventually have to leave people. So it doesn't matter as much that I'm leaving Wednesday instead of some hazy time in the future.
It still hurts though. I have so much to do, and I feel like I'm wasting time, but it's not like I can condense everything I want into the few days I have left. And there are still so many things I want right now.
Fuck, now I'm crying again.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 19 August :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: not sure
:: Music: garden state soundtrack
Camp is over. I stayed two hours after camp ended with Kara and Angela and Kaitlin. We went up to Nature and helped Angela pack up, and Kara showed us her old camp pictures. It was surreal seeing John with hair, and seeing my sister with younger versions of Kara and Angela. Some of the pictures are over a decade old. Then Kara, Kaitlin, and I went up to the outdoor kitchen in Engleman so Kaitlin could make her mark and Kara could see what I wrote yesterday (she also added a bit of her own). I took a few pictures. It's sad, really. I just really met these people this year and I'm the only one who has a good chance to come back to camp. I really wish I had more time to get to know them (and others) as people. So much of camp socializing is just gripping about your kids and how much council sucks. I wish I had been there years ago when there were fewer moms and the camp director actually knew how to camp.
Kaitlin said she felt like she was moving. It does feel like that, probably because I am. Camp is such a part of me (for better or worse) that it's appropriate that the end of camp ends my time in this state (or closely precedes it, near enough). I've met so many good people at camp. Camp is where I really learned to start being myself. Camp is where I gained confidence and leadership skills. Camp is where I started making friends and asserting myself after some disasterous years in school. It's definitely not perfect, but I'll miss it.
On a different note...three years. But I haven't cut myself in almost four months, and it was a couple months before that one slipup. I think I might have stopped for good, at least, that's what I hope. I still think about it, but I've been pretty good at resisting the urge. It's still sad that I remember the date though...maybe I'll forget sometime.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 18 August :: 5.50pm
:: Music: garden state soundtrack
camp
Last night was the staff overnight at Dewitt. There were supposed to be something like 16 or 17 people, but a lot of people didn't show up, and only six people stayed over (including Edy and my sister, who was just supposed to come for dinner). It was fun, though. We went joyriding in the the golf cart and Kara fell off the back (she was laughing). I lit tinfoil on fire (not my fault!) and we had marshmallows and honey bears. We also made soap (thank you Angela) with fake insects in them, which was fun. And Rita came, and spent the day with me today (Edy too). She was being picked up about half an hour after camp, so we walked up to Engleman outdoor kitchen and left some graffitti. I've never written anything there, and we wanted to write something together, so there are now a few more marks than there were before (including "liz and rita will haunt you forever" and something about cheesecake). It was awesome to look up and see everything other people had written. Some stuff is over a decade old.
So it was a nice day, even if I'm exhausted and dirty and need a shower. I'll miss camp. I might even come back.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 12 August :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: tired and alone
:: Music: vienna teng
I am leaving in a week and a half.
I won't see Rita or Brie or Katie or Jennie or anyone else that I care about right now for months at a time. I'm going to be hours away from anyone who knows or cares about me. I'm not going to be able to see the people I care about.
And I'm going to be put in new situations with no local support system, and I'd better suck it up because that's what life is about.
I am so scared, though. It's finally begun to settle in. I am so comfortable here, finally, and now it can't last. I know that I'm happy and excited in some other part of my brain, but right now I just feel terrified.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 10 August :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: happy/tired
:: Music: vienna teng
camp
I hate my group at camp. I really do. There are a few girls I don't mind, but on a whole, these girls are spoiled, bratty, and inconsiderate. Since we have an autistic girl, I was hoping that they'd be nice at least to her, but they're awful to anyone who is different.
But I'm still fairly happy. Working with Rita is really wonderful, and Ariel is cool too. Plus I'm really looking forward to sleeping over next week. Just about everyone I like is staying over (with the exception of the people who aren't 18 yet). It's my long-time dream (camp with no campers!) come to life, and it should be awesome. I do love camp sometimes, and I'll miss these people, so hopefully it will be as good as it sounds like it will be.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 4 August :: 2.19pm
:: Mood: incredibly bored
How Insane Are You? | Created by XxacidxtearsxX and taken 35 times on bzoink! | | Home Life | | Where did you grow up? | nj | | How were you treated as a child? | um, like a child? | | Did you ever get into trouble? | on occasion | | Was your family rich/poor/neither? | middle class | | School Life | | Did you make good grades? | yes | | Where did you sit in class? | usually in the back corner, in the front, or on the sides (i don't like the middle) | | What were you labeled in school? | loner/loser | | Did teachers like you? | some | | How often did you get detention? | never | | Other | | Did you enjoy playing with others as a child? | usually | | How did you react when you found out there is no Santa Claus? | i don't think i ever really believed there was a santa to begin with | | Did you ever eat paint chips off your wall? | no | | Have you ever tried to fly off the roof of your house with an umbrella? | nio | | Do you like to poke dead animals with sticks? | no | | Have you ever ate your boogers? | um | | Would you ever eat your boogers? | um | | Do you think it is gross when girls fart? | no | | Where would you like to live in the future? | hidden valley...yes i know it's impossible shut up and let me be delusional | | How old do you want to live to be? | i don't know | | How do you want to die? | in my sleep | | Do you think you are immortal? | no | | Would you like to be immortal? | no | | Have you ever jumped out of an airplane? | no | | Have you ever tried to kill yourself? | not really | | Can you see into the future? | not last time i checked | | Do you want to know everything possible? | sometimes | | Are you glad this is the last question? | i guess...i'm really bored or i wouldn't have filled this out to begin with | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 1 August :: 7.29pm
:: Music: weezer
I am completely exhausted, but happy. Going to the park with Katie was nice. It was kinda funny how we went from holding hands, to having our arms together, to having arms over each other's shoulder's, to her having her hand in my pocket while my hand slowly slipped downward. And it was also kinda funny that we both work at a camp and spend our entire day outside, and then choose to spend our leisure time at a park.
And it's nice to be officially dating, instead of wondering what things mean while we just act like we're dating.
Camp was nice too. I have a good group, with lots of help and a cool program. I love having older groups, because they are so much more self-sufficient and you can do so many things other than just hang around the program center all day. And I'm looking forward to the overnights, because chances are good for sleeping under the stars. Kaitlin and I both want to, and it's nice enough out that we probably won't need shelters. Even working with Bobbie is okay, because she's busy most of the day and spends most of her time away from us, which frees Kaitlin and me to be silly and force our group to hike (yay).
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fadingintoblue
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2005 30 July :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: tired-ish
:: Music: weezer
what I'm doing this weekend
1) Going to the bank to deposit paychecks/cash a babysitting check.
2) Having lunch with Katie, hopefully watching "Saved" with her.
3) Going to my grandma's house to celebrate Mark's and my aunt's birthdays, and getting my laptop.
4) Sleeping.
And that's about it. The remainder of my time will be put to trying to convince my father to do things for me (engrave my name on my mess kit and silverwear so they don't get lost), having random thoughts about people, and agonizing about how I'm moving in a few weeks.
It's kinda funny, actually, how for years I've wanted nothing more than to leave this town and go to college and brand new people, and now I don't want to go. I've finally found a few decent people, and now I'm leaving them. It doesn't seem fair. I only have three weekends left, and then I'm gone. I will be back for over a month this winter...but everyone will probably be too busy for me, and it won't be the same.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 26 July :: 10.19pm
:: Music: suzanne vega
haha
I just found a list I made of required qualities (and no-no's) for my perfect boy/girlfriend over a year ago:
"Must Have Qualities
1. Intelligence, if not necessarily school-smarts
2. Love of music
3. Appreciation of reading
4. Common sense
5. Sense of responsibility/duty
6. A conscience (and similar morals)
7. An open mind
8. Good additude
9. Sense of humor
10.Ability to put up with me
Must Not
1. Smoke
2. Habitually do things without thinking
3. Forget about promises
4. Be unfaithful
5. Habitually gossip cruely about others
And it would be nice if they had nice hair. But that's not necessary."
It's an interesting list, and I still agree with it still, I think. I actually forgot that I had made it.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 25 July :: 6.42pm
:: Mood: tired (in a not bad way)
:: Music: suzanne vega
I was talking to another leader at pool today. She's a bit older than me (by about 6 years, I think), and this is her first summer at camp, and she's overwhelmed. It was just us because our junior staff people were all on break.
She and I share a horrible school history. What's different is that for her physical bullying was more common. She actually had her ribs broken over a picnic table by a guy who threatened to kill her if she told anyone (she did, he was suspended). Her wrist was fractured by someone shutting it in a locker. People gave her concusions on multiple occasions. She's a really high belt in some martial art (I forget which one), but she says she never fought back because she knew she's get in trouble for it and she'd rather that they be the ones to get suspended (though she wishes she had on the rib thing).
I, on the other hand, faced mostly verbal harrassment, including being cursed at (back when cursing wasn't as common, we were young), told that I wasn't worth anything, and random taunting and teasing. I also had to deal with being taunted about being a lesbian (which I actually didn't think I was), people acting like I had a disease, and other stupid hurtful crap.
I think she had verbal harrassment too, but not as much as me (as it was more physical for her). We were talking about what's worse, and she says physical, but I'm not sure. If people say enough to you, you'll believe that you're not worth anything, and then you won't treat yourself with care. You'll hurt yourself while the other people don't lift a finger, and then you'll blame yourself for your hurts.
We both also had sexual harrassment, but by the time we started talking about this my junior counselor and aide were back. For me it was pretty mild, and restricted to middle school. Random guys would slap my ass, or put their arm over me, or sit in my lap. Guys would make fun of my boobs or fake asking me out. I was never raped or anything like that, though I know that it happens. I hope it was mild for her too.
The worst part about school bullying is when you're convinced that it's your fault. Teachers don't help and when you ask for it, you're told that you're doing something wrong. And even after you graduate, even after you leave and go to college and try having relationships and having a job, you still feel it. The person I was talking to today is as modest as I am, and as uncomfortable with people as me. She's SIX YEARS older, and that much more out of high school, and she's still dealing with stuff.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 18 July :: 10.26pm
depressions suck
as does guilt
and i have ample stores of both
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fadingintoblue
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2005 15 July :: 9.23pm
When I was ten or elevenish a new girl started riding on my bus. She was a year older than me, kinda big (not fat, just large enough to be taunted), and was staying at one of the welfare hotels near the end of my street. Since this town is pretty wealthy, her not having money was pretty apparent. I remember people teasing her all the time for wearing the same jeans everyday, for not having enough money, for being on welfare, for a million different things. I remember seeing her lip tremble once, and maybe a tear or two, but that was rare, and considering everything people put her through, she was really strong.
I wasn't really well liked, and I got teased a lot, and it bothered me and would make me cry. One day this girl stood up for me and yelled at everyone. Then she took me to the back of the bus (the bus was always kinda empty towards the end), and told me that she knew how I felt, but that I was better and not to let them cry. It hurt her too, she said, when people made fun of her for things she couldn't control, but she always did her best not to let it show. "Don't let them see you cry," I think she said, and she told me that I had to stand up for myself.
This was a while ago, but I still wonder what happened to her. She didn't go to the school long, and I never heard anything about her. I barely even remember what she looked like, I just remember that she cared enough to try and help me even though she didn't have to. It's probably corny, but I hope she's alright right now, and that she managed to make friends (a scare commodity for "people like her" in bburg at the time) and that she's happy. I don't know why I'm thinking about her today, but I am afraid that one day I'll forget the already hazy details I have of her in my head, because it's important, I think.
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