lately ive been attempting to sort out my emotions. i find that i feel like theyre all balled up inside, twisted around, all mixed in together, almost like a bunch of yarn that had been batted around by a kitten and is now a big knotty-mess, to the point where since i know that im feeling things, but i dont know what. im feeling bombarded by these emotions, and its making me crazy, i need to straighten them out....this is my attempt. i figured that i would use my heart as a sive, and try and empty out all of the petty, little emotional burdens, and find out what the meat of it really is, and this is what ive come up with::


this weekend i was supposed to go into the city to see morgan and hang out with him on his birthday. he told me that his parents wouldnt be home, so that means that we would have his empty apartment to ourselves for 3 or 4 hours, which usually, under normal circumstances would excite me...but for some reason, this time i wasnt thrilled. it was just kind of a statement that had no affect on me at all, which i didnt really take to mean anything, until later that day when i started feeling like, not only was i not excited by the fact that his parents wouldnt be there, but now i actually feel like i dont even know if i want to go. something between us just felt different to me, i couldnt put my finger on it, but the chemistry between us, just seemed to be...absent. this started to worry me, becaause i know that when i start to question wanting to hang out with my boyfriend, thats never a good sign. so later that night i was looking through some of our old conversations that my computer logged, and i noticed a recurring trend- every single one of them revolved around us hooking up. thats all we ever talked about- which says to me that thats all we ever had. for those of you that know me well, you know that i dont want a hookup, i want a relationship. i want a mind, i want emotions, and i want a heart....i dont want a pair of lips and emptyness. thats just not me. also throughout reading the conversations, i took note of the fact that at the end of every conversation, he would say i love you to me. this almost makes it worse because i know that hes saying it because he feels like he should, not because he wants to or actually does. that struck me as very "5th grade"....i felt like i grew out of that a long time ago, and that at this point, u stop throwing stuff around like that until u really mean it. that really bothered me too, and it made me think of when i was with taylor last spring and how when we said it to eachother, i felt like i meant it, and after meaning it, ur whole view on using the word love just...changes. i felt like i had finally started to gain back sight of what my entire "relationship" was, when the whole duration of it i had been blinded by the fact that i thought i liked him so much that i couldnt- and refused to- see all of this. of course, after untying that emotional knot, i still felt dissatisfied, i knew that there was more. i sat here and continued to contemplate my relationship with morgan, and thought of his flirting problem with my best friend victoria. when im not there [and sometimes even when i am], he constantly tackles her and tickles her and jumps all over her, and doesnt even take into account that im there, and if im not, that he has a girlfriend. it makes me uncomfortable, as well as victoria, because shes the victim of it and feels like shes betraying me by allowing him to do it to her. ive spoken to him about it before, and of course he says: "i was just tickling her. at least i didnt stick my tongue down her throat danielle, dont tell me i was flirting, u hooked up with my best friend." ---and i know that to some extent he has a point, but touching someone all over their body is flirting. just because its labeled tickling, when u think about whats actually happening, its rather sexual. and the fact that he feels he can get away with it, time after time that ive told him it bothers me, makes me crazy. aside from the flirting, ive recently come across an interesting tidbit of information that struck me hard. he has his friends cover up for him. they all talk to me and purposely bring him up and say "yeah he misses u, yeah hes thinking of u, ur his girlfriend blah blah blah...."- but they do it to make me feel good, not because he actually does. they do it to help him keep the relationship in tact. at this point, i shocked myself- usually that would devistate me, knowing that my relationship was a string of lies that that, but it didnt....it barely phased me. after realizing this, i figured out that whats dividing us is our maturity levels. he wants, and is satisfied with what we have, a hookup, something that doesnt really involve much emotional attachment, but is just a form of getting ass. i on the other hand have other desires. i dont want something empty, i want to be held by someone that actually enjoys JUST holding me. i dont want someone whos holding me in their arms so that way they can just hook up with me later. im not satisfied with that, and almost insulted by it, and im finally realizing how ive been. this summer i was just reassured of the things that i wanted, and that yes, even though ive been told time after time that i wont ever find them, theyre worth waiting for. this summer i had a series of hookups that meant nothing, which caused most of my friends to see me differently, to view me as had letting my morals go and just becoming a "regular" girl without any emotional attachment, and up until this point i had been blind and hadnt seen this. but after being through all of that, im finally realizing the importance of the way i actually am, or "was" as the case may be. i learned that i am incapable of being with someone that just wants me for ass, because in the end, it just crushes me when i realize what had been going on. the fact that i was so naiive this whole time, and now being able to understand how the world really works....how my heart needs to be cared for...was a very important transition this summer. i remember the night that i hooked up with aj [which most people viewed as an empty hook up, but now that i look back on it, it wasnt on my end] i connected with him so much that night, and when we were kissing, he held me very strongly to his body, and even if it wasn't an emotional thing for him, thats how i want to feel. i felt safe, and it made me feel- good, for lack of better words. i want to feel safe in the strong arms of someone. thats what i want. and now that ive been through all of this bull shit and run- around nothingness, ive realized that i once again will not settle for anything less. all of this experimenting that i did this year showed me that none of that will work for me, i need what i always felt i needed. im sick of trying to be something im not. im back to being me again, the same old danielle who yearns for real love and wants a meaningful relationship, and will not settle for anything less. im back, and there is no more questioning.

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