i was thinking today as i was reading "ordinary people" about how i felt when i was depressed.. how i thought that things would never get better.. well.. they really havent ive just moved on and im sick of moving on and letting go of everything all of teh time why cant eveyrthing just stay a constant luke warm where i never have to get too hot or too cold.. i can just stay mild, neutral reach my equilibrium i mean thats what we all want isnt it? just like the cells im learning about in bio.. isnt that all we really want? to reach a perfectly neurtal emotion, relationship, job, something challenging yet simple.. easy yet hard.. fun yet serious.. everybody is looking for that.. and i dont know just what to look for.. i feel so lost.. so disconected.. so unwanted that i could break down at any moment i feel saddned by any simple thought..

i dont understand the simple things in life, i constantly seem to try to search for a deeper meaning to everything an alterior motive you might say.. a reason for why and how things are the way they are.. and why some things really arent as they appear.. why im not really as i think i am and how my poor judgement will affect me.. im not sure what to do now.. i guess this marijuana helps me get through dull low points and never ceases to make even minute borring situations worth remembering.. just that slight push to euphoria.. even if it is only for an hour or two.. its better than nothing at all right?

dont wanna drain people with my sadness so i just kinda brush it aside.. i dont think about it and it just doesnt seem to bad but whenever the certain topics are brought up im showered with tears.. but why break the cadence of simplicity? why bother to question anymore.. when the answers are painted blatently on our foreheads? i can read everything every thought every motive every aliby.. i read them like books.. like encyclapedias theyre something to learn from as i see it.. learn from other peoples mistakes hone my own judgements and outlooks by listening to theirs, use them as practice for out in the real world.. the real world? whats real anymore? even reality shows are staged, scripted.. what the hell is real? im real, me a teenager who doesnt know who she is or where she belongs, thats real.. someone looking for somebody to actually give a damn looking for that one thing she succeeds at.. for that one person who completes her.. thats real and the pains real and the memories are real.. but eventually theyll fade away into the abyss of things that were.. never to be experienced again.. thats the reality.. that nobody cares about anything but their own sucess their own well being..playing games of who does more for who.. when all people really need is that neutral water.. that 15 minutes of fame... the second in their life when they realize thats where they belong.. thats their reason for being here.. thats whats real..

what a mad world..

im late to get dressed and go to johnnys house so ill continue my ranting later on..

- manda

[xXx]