silentcriez
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2005 3 June :: 4.26pm
im a lonely painter
speaking through my art
scenes which capture conversations
while never oozing a word
the tears of a painter go unheard
but never go unseen
fore' in the colors of paints
is how a painter bleeds
im a weak composer
bleeding through my words
notes which carry out my fears
enter naive ears
the pain of a composer
is constantly played down
fore' in the voice singing out
is how a composer drowns
im a lonley poet
hiding behind each phrase
contained by lines of a poem
is how im driven insane
the pain of a poet goes unfelt
but never is it dead
fore' in the rhythem hides a fear
thats never to be read
im lonely and im talentless
speaking though the words of others
like a parasite ill suck you clean
of all that you feel
the pain of a talentless man goes unseen
and always goes unheard
fore' when nobody else feels what i feel
the lonely man misses his turn
---
quiet pain
sad surringe
jam it into my veins
useless love
flacid heart
tearing up all thats sane
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
ill thank you when you give me pain
ill beg you to let me be your slave
cool night
empty sky
nobody out there anymore
smooth skin
plenty holes
nobody wants you here no more
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
sweet needle in my veins
give me pleasure give me pain
no more light
starless sky
questions go unanswered again
put me off
turn me on
if not now then when?
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
happy addiction you help me through
as i break myself in two
scarred face
sad eyes
humming me a tune
meaningless music
lyrics but no words
its all useless now itll be over soon
--
thoughts are fdlowing through my brain
and i dont know whats real
i dont know where i belong
its like im alone in a world
filled with millions who walk right by
why do i see them all
walking two by two?
why am i the only one
why am i alone
if looks could kill
id have died ten times over
if pain is love
then ive loved a thousand times
if only i could be beautiful
if only my thoughts could be beautiful
if only
--
pages fill up with useless drivel
im wasting away in this room
confined by four walls
contained by smoke
enveloped by you
its all a game its all a rotation
ill always end up back where i began
your words hit me
like bombs falling on a peacful city
and my words eat away at me
like a virus
like a disease, a paraiste
feeding, taking, and never giving
constant tension hold me here
and i cant move past
this wall ive built up around myself
this body armor protecting me
secluding me from the world
safe inside my thoughts
until i stumble upon a land mine
the walls around me crumble
and im exposed to the cruel world
to the reality
to the hate
and in that hate i see you
staring back at me with empty eyes
laughing at my insecurities
laughing at my lack of self respect
this is the first day
of the last try..
this is the first day
and my last cry
2 <3//s |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 1 June :: 11.42pm
hmmmm that felt rather good ;-)
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 30 May :: 11.07pm
i sit up at night thinking of the same things. my mind is growing weary and im confused at what i should do..
so jimmi had a party and it was fun i was cocked.. hm.. the whole situation kinda made me upset and sad but whatever im a fuck up..
why cant i get you out of my head?
why cant i leave you alone?
why cant i get over stupid shit?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?
god damn god damn god damn
-- song
have you ever spent the night
trying to make things right
but you end up driving yourself insane?
your thinking to yourself
wondering why the hell
you put youself through the pain?
have you ever watched the sun rise
while your by yourself getting high
trying to hold back the tears?
you brand yourself a lunatic
and think so hard it makes you sick
about where youll be in a few years
(chorus)
water falls down from the sky
we know how but we dont know why
pain is pleasure thats the way it goes
how to make it stop, nobody knows
have you ever smoked your lungs black
evoking the cancer you cant take back
you cough too much but you dont care
you need to feel that calm
you need some help to carry on
looking for a way to change but its not there
have you ever looked at yourself,
and wished that you were someone else,
ever thought that maybe you could change?
you want so bad to love yourself
but you dont so why should someone else
the girl in the mirror looks at you strange
(chorus)
have you ever called an old friend
they hang up on you but you call again
you need someone to heal your heart
the buzz of the dial tone
is an all too familiar tone
your beating heart serves as a twisted work of art
have you ever played it cool
wouldnt risk being the fool
but you end up dissapointing yourself anyways?
you wonder why you dont belong
you ask yourself why your not strong
you dont have nothing til you love the way you are
id trade my place and time for something
better than the life i am living
id trade what im receiving
for someone who intends on giving
something back before theyre gone
broken dreams hang like black clouds
walking though the dull crowds
wish i could tell you why im here..
(chorus)
have you ever laid awake
you feel your hands begin to shake
you wonder why your so afraid
you see an image in your head
of someone else in their own bed
you wonder why they have it made
have you ever questioned why your here?
the certain pain evokes a tear
but you whipe the drop away.
its purpose remains unknown
just like your heart and where your going
have you ever forgotten the point of what you wanted to say
your not here..
no your not here
have you ever tried
not to fear
have you ever..
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 29 May :: 2.00am
Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind
First you wanna be free
Now you say you need me
Giving mixed signals and signs
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again
Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
I keep coming back to you
Every time you're in the mood
To whisper something sweet in my ear
It's so hard to move on
Cause every time I think you're gone
You show up in my rearview mirror
Is this just a detour?
Cause I gotta be sure
That you really mean what you say
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again
Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
To a place where I can be redefined
Where you're out of sight
And you're out of mind
But the truth is I can't even say goodbye
---
deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own
drinking once again
to get you out of my head
even for a minute its good..
but then again, i taste your kiss
and somehow this insanity turns to smiles
and it remains the same for a while
then my heart is kicked, when its knocked down
my grin fades into a frown
i need to be alone again
sitting by myself in tears
i see her in your arms,
i want to slit her throat
make her feel alone for once
then you walk away
and whisper in my ears
all the things i want to hear
and again im in your arms
keep me safe from harm
just love me while your alone
take me home, and make me yours
not forever more, just for the night
well play the games
well do it just for fun
never one on one
were always pulling this game for 3
its her you and lastly me
a tug of war with both sides nailed
on a scale would you even say you care?
here i am talking to myself
debating dumb questions in my head
lay me in your bed
no matter how alone, in your arms i know
that for a moment you care
and when you touch my hair
and kiss my lips i pray ill always feel like this
i hope that it never goes away
then suddenly i know
the feelings start to go
and you walk out of the room
little do i know
your spewing out the same
stupid little games
the ones you play with me
id gladly walk away from you if i could say
i didnt have emotions attatched
but the truth is i cant
call me a tramp or a whore
but iys not just the sex keeps me coming back for more
your giving me a heart attack
turning my heart black
but even after all of that
id still beg to be your slave
ill pray it stays the same
and someday youll be wondering why
why you made me cry
and ill wonder why i stayed
dont know which way
im headed, i aint got no home
deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 28 May :: 12.06pm
im kinda confused and i dont understand why i feel the way i feel right now. i woke up on this beautiful day and i feel like sitting inside and crying in my bed because i have nothing to be happy for. everybody has somebody and im here alone in this world searching for somebody to finally care about me. why do i do this? why do i feel this way all the time? why do i need somebody to be happy?why do i need you? why do i want you? why? i dont know what it is that makes me have to be around you. your presence just makes me happy and i wish that you felt the same way i do..but instead you there happy in the sun and im here sitting inside crying..maybe im crazy.. but i dont know how to make it stop, i dont know any different..im sorry for this im sorry for being me im sorry for wanting you im sorry..
i dont know what else there is for me to do besides what ive done already.. i guess im just not good enough for someone to care about completely.. i think my goal for the summer is to lose weight, and then maybe ill be happy with myself and then maybe i wouldnt need the attention from the guys.. the reassurrance that im okay.. maybe then i wont cry all the time.. maybe.. well here goes.. i start today..
2 <3//s |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 26 May :: 11.24pm
If I could hold you tonight, it would last me forever
But the time’s never right, when will we be together, oh no
If I could make you understand, what you’re doing to me
Maybe there will come a time, when sooner or later I will make you see, baby
If you need somebody, the way that I need you
If you wanted somebody, the way that I want you
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 26 May :: 6.34am
went for a cruise today and got lost lol in the pouring rain and ended up in medfeild lol!
then went out for kaitlins birthday to a great thai restaurant yum yum yum i cant believe shes 19!
it scarey to think about...
well i gtg finish getting ready for school.. ill write more later
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 25 May :: 1.07am
another fucked up late night..
and i wish you were here...
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 22 May :: 1.30pm
some poetry...
the walls come tumbling down
turn the world around
blackened clouds steal my day
theres people all around
but they dont make a sound
they assume it'll all just go away
but what is lost
may not be found
someday someone walking away
might not turn around
the sun may set but never rise again
but until then i walk alone
the earth moves in patterns around me
dancing stars they taunt my dreams
while tears pour down my face
like rushing water finally set free
too many people fall too fast
too many people sit and watch life pass
old memories are lost at sea
and you and me know how it feels..
----
there is this place inside me,
i cant reach it,
cant feel it, or even understand it
but its in my veins and its in my lungs
its all around
theres this place inside of me
its in the place you used to be
now im only hypnotized sitting wasted,
crystalized
deceitful ive been tempted to your trap
and in that place, i feel a crack
my certain spot begins to break
im on the earth, and my body quakes
i cant fix it, it cant be touched
come on and break me if you must
there is this fragile kind of entity
living here inside of me
it makes me cry it makes me smile
while breaking me down all the while
i keep my darkest secrets in
but it eats away me inside out
i want to pour it all out now
this place inside me is filled with times
slowly fading with the tide
but all ive ever known to do
is try so hard to hold on to you
should i swim here on my own
paddle crazy, never make it home
thie place inside me doesnt know
i couldnt even let it go
i feel it all come tumbling down
i feel the world that i surround
i take their pain and make it mine
i would do it for you all the time
but im filling up to the brim
its a game of sink or swim
if i cant win this fight alone
i better make my way back home
theres this place inside me
i cant reach it, cant feel it
i cant control it.
cant tame it, but i make it
and it controls me
it controls me silently..
---
the ocean screams its loudest cry
as the sun slowly starts to die
i feel the water splash my face
i wave goodbye to this old place
the fire nipping at my nose
the embers falling to my toes
im wishing all will come and go
but i know, were all alone
time is coming to an end
down below we must descend
the beauty of life has lost the touch
we need it all, its not enough
life around us falls appart
as we enter eternal dark
may light be found inside us all
may we feel no pain before we fall
kiss goodbye to the one you love
my heart beats louder so you can hear my voice
this isnt my fault, this wasnt my choice
the sky breaks down in shades of black
weve brought the greys and lost the blues
just like my mind in thoughts of you
negative chills drift down my spine
we reach the depths, the end of time
the end of all this worlds creation
the end of an unhappy nation
rock the boats with forceful rage
release thehumans from their cage
emancipate my love for you
id rather die than be untrue
ill scream my lungs out
ill kill the crying dove
id rip my heart out just for love
but all thats wasted til today
weve all been bad were on our way
fall into destruction, we wont leave a path
theres nothing out there, no reason to turn back
the erath trembles as it quickly starts to fade
goodbye to pain, goodbye to love
goodbye to all these wasted days..
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 21 May :: 12.55pm
"i know your wise beyond your years but do you ever get the fear..that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?"
grrr i dont know i cant even grasp whats onb my mind but its heavy and its weighing me down.. ive gotta get it out.. somehow...
ah..
update later
[xXx]
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