Shoe23
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::
2004 22 June :: 10.00pm
the feelings are still here
the ones i have always held for you
i will always love you
no one can fill the void, this complete emptiness
im sorry i fucked it up
im sorry ive made you change
im sorry i make you hurt
im sorry i cant tell you... this... everything...
anything at all
i cant help you
i cant help me
i cant do a god damned thing
and for everything.. i am so sorry.
the worst part is it now means nothing
it is worth nothing.
i am worth nothing.
[:.Edit.:]
Sorry you guys have to put up with my stupidity.
I just enjoy killing myself with this.
5 mindless thoughts |
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Shoe23
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::
2004 20 June :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: blah
Hoo-fucking-ray.
Fathers fucking day.
Yay!
Yeah... now onto other non-important matters.
I ran away for a few hours yesterday. I had intentions of staying gone but.. I came back.
I have nothing important to say.
No matters that would ever concern you.
...they say you haven't really lived until you have alot to regret...
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Shoe23
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::
2004 18 June :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless
By mere request...
My journal is being updated.
With nothing, basically...
Nothing important happens..
I talk to no one,
I do nothing,
Thats my life!
So there you are.. an -update-
Now aren't you sorry you asked?
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Shoe23
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2004 15 June :: 6.45pm
:: Music: Sevendust - Home
I had a really intense argument with my parents.
An argument in which they repeatedly brought up how worthless I, as a human, truly am.
Its an amazing feeling to have.. the feeling of everyone hating everything about you.
Yeah.. fucking lovely.
I have no one left to turn to, anymore.
I am now done.
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Shoe23
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2004 11 June :: 9.35pm
:: Music: Rammstein - Zwitter
Another promise you can't fucking keep.
How would I ever have guessed?
You never keep your word.
To you
I am nothing.
It is becoming easier to let everything go.
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Shoe23
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::
2004 11 June :: 8.15pm
[:.Shinedown :: Stranger Inside.:]
This day could be the worst one yet
I just won't relax I can't catch my breath
Because I'm sick and tired of 'you'll be fine'
Well how do you know, can you read minds?
So take while you can so you can meet demands
My insanity is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul, so everyone will know .in the end.
We were never friends
Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside
Don't push your ignorance on me
I'm not unrehearsed .to your jealousy.
And I know you think I don't .see the signs.
Well how do you know, do I look blind?
So take it while you can so you can meet demands
My .b.r.e.a.k.down is what you thrive on
So rip it from my soul, so everyone will know .in the end.
I'm the break you're the bend
Stranger [inside]
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Shoe23
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::
2004 8 June :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Crossfade - Cold
..maybe in a different [light]..
..you could see me stand on my own again..
*shrug*
It has been a long day.
A really long day.
I'm on the [right next to dead] line.
But, of course, all will continue.
Thanks to Adam for reassurance on my previous entry.
That is all unless I forgot something. Which im positive I did.
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Shoe23
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::
2004 7 June :: 5.20pm
:: Mood: crushed
Fuck
This.
I am just so tired.. of.. nothing and everything...
...at the same time.
Why do I even bother to fix this?
Forget it. I'm fucking done.
..there's nothing left to lose..
..there's nothing left to prove..
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Shoe23
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::
2004 6 June :: 7.30pm
[:. Crossfade :: Cold.:]
Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you
And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand [on my own] again
Cause now I can see
You are the antidote that got me by
Something strong
Like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side [of me] that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
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Shoe23
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::
2004 31 May :: 12.15am
change...
sounds good doesn't it?
it's really too bad that nothing ever changes.
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Shoe23
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::
2003 19 December :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
I miss you already...
Agh... what to do... I need something to take me away from this all... perhaps, forever. A few might not like that alternative. But if all is in order for me to fuck it up, then why not go for it.
Im so worn down... I cant sleep... even when I go to bed in plenty of time to fall asleep and get some... my head never stops running everything through anymore... Why cant it give me a rest...
I need energy... perhaps I should eat something... so I can throw it up... My body now rejects food... for the most part. But again, I brought that upon myself.
Last night, at the game, I got my palm read. It said I was going to live for a long time, I am going to be wealthy, and I do or will have a good love life... I cant wait for that day to come.
-The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.-
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Shoe23
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::
2003 17 December :: 9.30pm
:: Mood: extremely apathetic
:: Music: the well deserved dedication from Bryan...
Our Lady Peace Clumsy
Throw away the radio suitcase
That keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone, telephone, in case,
You realize that sometimes you're not okay
You level off, you level off, you level off,
And its not all right now
You need to understand
There's nothing strange about this
You need to know your friends
You need to know that
I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here
You will be safe in here
Throw away this very old shoelace
That tripped you again
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off
It's only skin now
You need to understand
There's nothing fake about this
You need to let me in
I'm watching you
And I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
No ones around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here ow
You will be safe in
I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here ow ow
You will be safe in ow ow
Im sorry I cannot fufil your wishes Bryan... Im really sorry. I was the biggest bitch to you possible... and you were always so nice... and considerate... but, as usual... I fucked it up.. for no reason. I just really want you to know, nothing you did was wrong. I have some problems that I need to work out, and If I cant work them out, I couldnt handle taking you down with me. Everyone who matters knows how much I depended on you to breathe, but that I need to learn to do on my own. This hurts worse than anything else possibly could, but I believe it is for the best. I cant handle this, I am just too unstable. You are an awesome guy and you will find someone that is right for you... and I wish you the best of luck because, you, more than anyone, deserves it.
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Shoe23
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::
2003 17 December :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: completely exhausted
:: Music: Switchfoot - Meant to Live
We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves
Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open
Maybe were bent and broken.
I am so tired I dont even feel like using the shift key... But as you can tell, I am...
Today was really boring at school... I watched X2 and the rest of the hours we just sat in the classroom...
I am somewhat glad we get like two weeks off for Christmas... but then again, I am not. I am going to go crazy in that amount of time... but perhaps, I will be well rested for the first day back, and only that day...
I almost passed out at school, but I got a Mello Yellow and I was okay... as you can tell. It was a little strange.
I... agh... I hate acting "happy"... doesnt it suck? -hmph- I am so tired of living like this, or living at all... So why do I? because I am afraid of losing what I have left...
Because we lost it all, nothing last forever, Im sorry, I cant be perfect, Now its just too late, and we cant go back, Im sorry, I cant be perfect....
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Shoe23
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::
2003 16 December :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: --------
blah..
I am so fucking tired... the sad thing is, when I go to bed, I still will be tired the following morning... It fucking sucks.. no rest for Amber's body... none.
Ha.. Ellen, I still have not ate.. Only M.D. and Mellow Yellow are keeping me alive.. Im going to pass out and go into a fucking coma or something... ohh well.. maybe they will diognose me with a massively life threatening disease and I will DIE.!.!.
-hmph- Its only Tuesday..... FUCK.
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