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the wandering thoughts of a mind without soul

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Shoe23

:: 2003 14 November :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Godsmack - Greed

How Long Have You Been Self-Injuring?:A while
What Type Of Self-Injuring Do You Do (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)?:Cutting mainly
What Triggers You Do Harm Yourself?:Thinking
How Do You Feel As You Are Harming Yourself?:Relieved
How Do You Feel Afterwards?:Ok
Where Do You Usually Harm Yourself?:Wrist or anywhere else
Have You Ever Needed Medical Attention After Harming Yourself?:No
Who Knows About What You Do?:Ellen
Why Do You Self-Injure?:It makes me feel better
Think Back To The First Time You Did It, What Made You Do It?:I was messed up on drugs and with Bryan
Does Harming Yourself Really Make Everything Better?:No
Are You Currently Seeing A Therapist, Phsyciatrist, Or Any Other Doctor?:No
If So, Is It Because You Self-Injure?:
What, If Anything, Would Get You To Stop?:I dont know... Ellen
How Often Do You Harm Yourself (Daily, Weekly, Monthly, etc.)?:Depends sometimes daily sometimes weekly
Do You Know Anyone Else Who Self-Injures?:Not closely
Do You Have Any Scars From It?:Yes
Do You Harm Yourself Even When You're Happy Or Have Had A Good Day?:I never have good days
Do You Isolate Yourself From Others Because Of What You Do?:Yes
Does It Help To Talk To People About It?:Sometimes
When Was The Last Time You Harmed Yourself?:Tonight
If You Found Out Your Best Friend Did It Too, What Would You Do?:Go crazy...
Do You Do It For Attention?:No
Have You Ever Been Confronted About It And Lied About What Happened?:Yes
Have You Ever Tried To Kill Yourself?:Yes
Are You Suicidal Right Now?:Always
Are You Angry Or Depressed More Often?:Depressed
What Would You Tell Someone Who Is Thinking About Hurting Themselves?:Its a waste of time... if you really wanted to die you would kill youself the first time you tried.
Does Time Really Heal All Wounds (Both Emotional & Physical)?:No, not always

Self-Injury Quiz brought to you by BZOINK!

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Shoe23

:: 2003 14 November :: 6.05pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Adema - Let Go

"Let Go"

I'm sitting on the edge of the water
Contemplating my strange life
The sun starts to fall into the ground
A breeze picks up off the waves
And everything is fine

I know that I am not alone
Everyone makes mistakes and starts to learn with time
There's nothing more I need to say
I'm happy with my life

Let go of all of the pain
Let go of all of the pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of the pain

I dont know about that song.....I still like Adema however.....

LINDSAY I DISLIKE YOU....ALOT...A SUPER AMOUNT OF ALOT

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Shoe23

:: 2003 13 November :: 5.55pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: Disturbed - Bound

And I, I can't believe
I can't believe all the travesty
Surrounding me, I , I want to flee
I want to flee from everything
In front of me!
Never again, I trusted in you
Fuck everything you think I should be
I stand, never again, never again

I hate you and everything you do

I hate everything....give me complete darkness and rain... Nothing else is closer to me... To all who are there, thank you... I, however, will only let you down just like everyone else... Send You Crashing to the bottom without warning... I am close to my final submission of everything....

I hate myself and All I do... I make people miserable.... May you all be better when Im gone

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Shoe23

:: 2003 12 November :: 9.33pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Linkin Park - Easier to Run

[x] Part 1 -- The Basics [x]
What's your name? :::Amber Shoemaker
Birthplace :::Osceola, Missouri
Age :::16
Age you act :::I dont know....Mrs.H said 19 or 20
Current location :::Collins, Missouri
Eye color :::Blue
Hair color :::Brown
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? :::Lefty...somewhat ambidextrous
Zodiac sign? :::Capricorn
Height? :::5'10"
[x] Part 2 -- Describe... [x]
Your heritage/nationality :::German mainly...
Your hair :::Curly...always in a ponytail
Your fears :::Loosing everything I have...Dying old
Your perfect room :::Black...Red Spongepaint...Posters of good rock bands everywhere
What you practically do in a day :::Wake Up, Drive To School, Attend School, Drive Home, Get On Computer, Go To Bed
[x] Part 3 -- What is/are... [x]
Words you overuse :::Fuck, Freak, No,
Phrases you overuse :::I dont care, Who gives a shit, Shut Up...
Your first thought when you wake up :::Do I have too??
Your greatest accomplishment :::Fufilling Expectations While Being Partly Myself
Something you want to do :::Die
[x] Part 4 -- This or that [x]
Pepsi or Coke :::MOUNTAIN DEW!!!
McDonald's or Burger Kings :::McDonalds
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera :::Neither
Chocolate or vanilla :::Neither
Adidas or Nike :::Adidas
Black or white :::Black
Bills or Coins ((Think $$$)) :::Bills...Coins are a pain in the ass.
Burgers or hot dogs :::Neither
Egypt or France :::Hawaii??
Rock or rap :::Rock
[x] Part 5 -- Do you...[x]
Smoke :::No...unless I am overly stressed and with people that smoke....not very often.
Cuss :::On occasion
Sing well :::No
Sing in the shower :::No
Talk to yourself --a lot-- :::I hear voices....Dont normally talk to myself
Believe in yourself :::No, why should I? No one else does
Like taking these longass surveys? :::Sure, nothing better to do
Play an instrument :::Yes, Drums
Want to go to college? :::Not really
Want to get married? :::Maybe
Want to have children? :::I cant have kids
Think you're a health freak? :::No...
Get along with your parents :::Sometimes
Get along with your siblings? :::I have none
Think you're popular :::Dont pretend to be, hope im not...
[x] Part 6 -- In the past month have you..[x]
Gone out of state :::No
Drank alchohal :::Yes
Smoke :::No
Get high :::On Pills
Done any drugs :::Pills
Eaten an entire box of oreos :::No
Been on stage :::No
Gone skinny dipping :::No
Been dumped :::No
Dyed your hair :::No
Stolen anything :::No
[x] Part 7 -- Your friends! =D [x]
Craziest :::Wesley
Loudest :::Toby
Most shy :::Angie
Blondest :::Kim
Smartest :::Ellen/Amber
Kindest :::Ellen
Best personality :::If all of them didnt have good personalities they wouldnt be my friends.
Most talented :::Ellen
Best singer :::Ashley
Most ghetto :::Rawni
Drama Queen ((or King XP)) :::Yvette or Kim or Rawni
Pain in the ass :::Alot of them are...prob. Yvette
The one you just want to strangle to death ((Homer Simpson style)):::That new Sara chick
Funniest :::Umm....Mrs. Hutton
Best person for advice :::Ellen/Mrs. H
Dependable :::Ellen
Trustworthy :::Amber/Ellen
Druggie :::Gene
Most likely to end up in jail :::Kyle
Person you've known the longest :::Wesley
[x] Part 8 -- The Last... [x]
Last dream :::I was sitting on top of St.Johns hospital drinking
Last nightmare :::I saw five of my friends get killed in a car wreck
Car ride :::I drove home from school
Last time you cried :::Umm massively like a week ago...but like watering eyes because of thinking....today.
Last movie seen :::White Oleander
Last movie rented :::Dreamcatcher/Final Destination 2/Anger Management
Last book read :::Dictionary
Last word said :::No...
Last curse word said :::Fuck
Last time you laugh :::Umm....Possibly through school today
Last phone call :::I never get phone calls
Last CD played :::Linkin Park - Meteora
Last song you listened to :::Enigma - Trapt
Last annoyance :::Parents
Last IM :::Ellen...talkin bout Christmas
Last weird encounter :::Hearing Voices...
Last person you hugged :::Holy Shit....umm....Dustin or Kyle
Last person you yelled at :::Sara
Last time you wore a skirt :::Formal Interview
Last time you've been evil :::A few minutes ago
Sarcastic? :::lol....I am the sarcasm queen
Last time you fought with your parents :::About 20 mintues ago
Last time you wished upon a star :::I dont do that....
Played Truth or Dare :::3 years ago...I had to kiss Kyle...
Spent quality time alone :::I never get to be alone...although it is my prime
[x] Part 9 -- I swear this is the last one! -- Randomness [x]
Are you talking to someone on AIM :::Yes, Ellen
Do you feel lonely :::Always
Ever TP'd someone's house :::No
How about egging someone's house :::No
Do you not like dislike not like me? :::I dont know
Ain't Eminem and 50 Cent just fine? :::They "ain't" nothin....
Yo Momma :::Is dumb
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? :::No
What do you think of George Bush? :::I think he has big ears
Any secret fetishes? :::No
Do you like to wear chains? O_o :::O_o no...I dont
How many languages do you speak? :::1 and 1/4 I know some spanish and some german
Damn.. are your fingers tired? Cause mine sure are! :::I think you are dumb as hell
Glad this is over? ((Say yes and I'll stalk you XP)) :::Not really now I have to find something else to do.

Bored? ((Over 100 questions)) brought to you by BZOINK!

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Shoe23

:: 2003 12 November :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: Mountain Dewed
:: Music: Smile Empty Soul - Therapy

I love you Ellen.... I am always here for you... Dont forget that. True Friends should always be there, not just when they want something. Always be who you are, if someone doesnt like you for it, they are the ones that should change, not you. Keep your head up and pray or atleast hope that it doesnt get worse, if that is possible...

My parents were nice to me today.... I didnt like it alot because they were all happy and shit....grr.. But atleast they didnt ask me every fucking question they could think of....

Somewhere in this darkness, there's a light that I can't find.....




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Shoe23

:: 2003 11 November :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Saliva - After Me

I didnt go home until late tonight. And guess what, I had to explain everything I did....to my GOD DAMN parents.....

They read my letter about suicide and now they want to take a family picture so if someone "Dies"....lol Its funny... I dont think they really care. But I was like ok whatever, I will take a damn picture but I am wearing normal clothes and I am wearing my hair in a ponytail.....

I thought they were going to have a "talk" with me about my letter because my dad sais "Will you do something for us" I was like "umm What" *breathing hard* "Take a family picture with us" *sigh of relief* lol....I was really dreading a talk..... They havent got the slightest FUCKING clue.....

I feel like playing with white out and drinking mountain dew.....

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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 November :: 6.06pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: TRUSTcompant - Running >From Me

do you see anything annoyingly hypocritical about smokers who won't order dessert because it's not healthy?

RUNNING >FROM ME

Say a prayer for me
cause i can barely breathe
i'm suffering, and i can't take it
because of me, no one will ever see
this side of me, if i don't make it

it's like i can't wake up
it's like i can't get up
it's like i can't remember who i used to be
am i running from you, or am i running from me?

clear a path for me
cause i can barely see
i'm stumbling, and i can't shake it
it's up to me to save myself from me
my enemy, but i can't face it

it's like i can't wake up
it's like i can't get up
it's like i can't remember who i used to be
am i running from you, or am i running from me?

i'm breaking now
im breaking now
i;m breaking out
here i come, here i come, here i come
can't..wake..up..cause i'm no one
am i running from you, or am i running from me?

it's like i can't wake up
it's like i can't get up
it's like i can't remember who i used to be
am i running from you?
can't face myself, i'm just left with the suffering




Feet, prepare to be swept, my anger is going to take my down.

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.



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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 November :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: Cold - Dont Belong





take the death quiz.


and go to mewing.net. laura = great.



I wont ever change my ways and I cant be strong, please dont ever tell the world that I dont belong....

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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 November :: 5.26pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Staind - Take It

Staind - Take It
I feel like this won't go away
no matter how hard I try
to squeeze my eyes shut
so i can't see the pain
in you this pain in me - in me

But everything that I can say to you
Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you
Just take it

I know that I am really not here
to represent what I am not clear
About in my head sometimes
I feel fucked up just like you do - like you do

But everything that I can say to you
Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you
Just take it

Try to make it through the daily pain
That you feel - maybe tomorrow won't be so bad.
It know it
'cause I once felt that way
Nothing I could say
Made it go away
I lived through this
I still feel this
I just live for my tomorrow

Make it go away
Just make it go away
She'll make it go away


You see the world in Black
Black:
PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE
KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH
SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the
world. For reasons who knows, but you
definately hate life.
href=http://www.saradover.com>Made by
Sara


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Shoe23

:: 2003 10 November :: 5.26pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Staind - Take It

Staind - Take It
I feel like this won't go away
no matter how hard I try
to squeeze my eyes shut
so i can't see the pain
in you this pain in me - in me

But everything that I can say to you
Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you
Just take it

I know that I am really not here
to represent what I am not clear
About in my head sometimes
I feel fucked up just like you do - like you do

But everything that I can say to you
Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you
Just take it

Try to make it through the daily pain
That you feel - maybe tomorrow won't be so bad.
It know it
'cause I once felt that way
Nothing I could say
Made it go away
I lived through this
I still feel this
I just live for my tomorrow

Make it go away
Just make it go away
She'll make it go away


You see the world in Black
Black:
PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE
KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH
SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the
world. For reasons who knows, but you
definately hate life.
href=http://www.saradover.com>Made by
Sara


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

satisfy your urge to clutter another mind


Shoe23

:: 2003 9 November :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Disturbed - Voices

I am making your CD Ellen....Finally.

Well, my parents have envaded my privacy one too many times, they found out something they didnt want to know.... Face it, Not everyone is fucking happy....

I wonder if they will treat me as if I am weak now.... They dont fucking know what happens in my life... I hate it when my parents find out something about me.... They treat me as if I am fragile and like I am unable to take care of my own problems.... YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU.... FUCK EVERYTHING

I hate standards... Why must they be required by all parents.... Fuck your standards as well.... Im not going to be who you want me to fucking be.. so dont even fucking try.



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Shoe23

:: 2003 7 November :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: 12 Stones - My Life

I am writing on rubber bands for entertainment.....amusing eh??

I love Mountain Dew....It is required for my everlasting life *thinks*...then why do I drink it.............because it is sooooo good. Its the best new alternative to drugs or alcohol.

I feel you by 3 Doors Down is a good song...

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Shoe23

:: 2003 7 November :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: gloomy

Staind - Pressure
I just need this to be all right
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I just need this to be alright
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

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Shoe23

:: 2003 6 November :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Creed - Higher

incompetency.......taking place around and inside me every day....
Me: "That clock blinked off when I walked by it"
Grandmother: "Amber, all of the lights blinked"
Me: "Oh, Ok"

My stupid moment of the day.......

Only Living To Die.......I would suppose that is a good description for some......If only the "dying" part were not so distant that would be a good definition of me as well.....Everything I do contradicts my future anyway so why not want to die before everything else falls a fucking part.

I hate Breathing.
I hate Smiling.
I hate Brightness.
I hate Stupidity.
I hate Eating.
I hate........everything, except......

Ellen, Amber K., Ashley, Going to breakfast with Ellen, Being Alone, Dripping Blood, Mrs. Hutton, Music, Drawing, Potentially Dangerous Objects, and Rain.......
Sometimes there are other things I dont hate like.........Angie, Toby, Activity, Driving, Playing Drums, and Punching things.......

I am done complaining now.......

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Shoe23

:: 2003 5 November :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Linkin Park - Crawling

*yawning*

Thanks for your new journal Ellen. I'm sorry for being so mean to you all the time. I didnt realize I was mean....my bad. Lemme know if I ever say anything to hurt you, I would never intend to do it on purpose.

I am becoming more emotionless and mean. I was just sarcastic but now I often catch myself saying things I really shouldnt have. I dont know why, but I am taking everything out on everyone around me, well alot of shit anyway........sorry everybody.

I scared Kim yesterday when I told her I didnt believe in God.
In Mr. Cook's class something brought up Babylon and I started laughing...

Kim: "What is Babylon"
Me: "A Place In The Bible"
Kim: "Then what is wrong with it"
Me: *turns around*
Kim whispering to Angie..."Whats wrong with the bible"
Me: *turns back around* "I dont believe in God"
Kim: *jaw drops* looks at Angie "She Doesnt?"
Angie: "No"
Kim: *turning slowly* looks back at me in complete shock and still not knowing what Babylon is...........

lol.....It was one of those things you had to be there to catch the amusement......it was pretty funny.

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